Someone I care about is in the hospital, and has been through pure hell the past year. I broke down in tears today thinking about her, and what’s she’s going through. A reminder of when I went to Mass General thinking (after a surgery the week before) that they’ve give me a shot in the butt and some major antibiotics to take when I get home, only to have been admitted with serious infection. I remember crying, calling my mom from the admission desk “They are admitting me to Bigelow 9”. “Gigolo what? Can laugh at it all now.
When you have serious illness, it sometimes provides you with acceptance of things from past that earlier that day, week, month, year, you could not. And I think the same type of bargaining goes on when you lose someone. “If you let me survive this….”
It was right around this time of the year, and I was in there for a lot longer than I wanted to be. I remember thinking “I must be really sick because they don’t keep people in the hospital anymore!”. When I finally turned the corner, my veins were blown out, and feeling like a pin cushion would’ve been a luxury at that point, they weren’t going to release me because I couldn’t drive home. Well, I finally lied, found my way out of there. I drove half way home to Leominster and then pulled into a Friendly’s. I was so weak. The only thing I had eaten was popsicles that week, when they would stay down. So I ordered a fribble, and sat outside, feeling the cool fall breeze run through my disaster zone hair, and feeling so very grateful that I was finally out of the woods and heading home. I sat for about 40 minutes until I finished the shake, which gave me the strength to get back in my car and drive the rest of the way home.
We can spend a lifetime planning, arranging, collecting, preparing, and one blip can and will take the comfort, the wind out of our sails. We find ourselves at the mercy of life. I hope this person who is so sick tonight catches a break, and I hope that she, too, will be heading home soon. Her husband, her family needs her. Until she does I will be praying, regularly, frequently, for her health. In the end, we know God is in control, those of us who believe in God, and while there is some comfort there, the waiting, the meantime, the present can be so overwhelming. If you’d like to offer a prayer for her, I know it would be greatly appreciated, or send her good vibes.
So I’m tired, heading to bed shortly, will be on my knees tonight praying for her and her husband. They are so tired, so worn. She just hasn’t been able to catch a break and my heart hurts for them.
Me? I’m feeling pretty grateful at the moment. The painful memories have faded some for me, and gratitude has built a wall around that awful time for me. I know, I was very fortunate. And it’s probably time that I do the things I “bargained” to do, if he’d get me through it. And I’m recalling the trip home where I no longer had concern for the petty things that once plagued my peace. Acceptance. Perspective. Life has a way of knocking you beside the head when you least expect it!
Wishing peace, love, and joy to each of you reading this. I hope today you have found acceptance to the things that blocked your peace, and if you’re in the middle of muck, I pray that you’ll be given what you need to get you through, and beyond it. Peace. xox