Tag Archives: understanding

So… the groundhog saw his shadow?


The past year has brought a problem with mice.   I mean, I’ve killed dozens, my cat caught a few, as did my dog.   Neighbors are complaining also.   The thing is, they’re quite cute little critters.  If you look at them, they have such fine little detailing.  I’m not afraid of them, and I really hate to kill them but if you don’t, they can wreak havoc with much. What a mess they make, totally destructive.   And the squirrel that keeps coming into my basement, bringing nuts from the tree outside???  My biggest fear is wiring.    I set traps, and still the bastard lives.  I caught mice with my squirrel traps!   Ugh.  Okay, so this will probably freak some out, but I saw a mouse running across my kitchen and then it stopped.  It just stopped.  Strangest thing.  I walked over to it, picked it up and it died in my hands.    Yes, I cried.   I did.   I think it’s the same mouse that had been visiting me and my cat late at night in my living room for several weeks.  I don’t know what it died of, and I didn’t provide a funeral.  He went out with the trash.

I’ve always been an insanely sensitive person.   (You wouldn’t have known it by the last sentence in last paragraph!) . Most of my life (that I recall) I was branded “overly sensitive”.   The most recent years have brought interesting, validating reading on “overly emphatic, or EmPaths….”    I’ve actually found tremendous help in reading on it, skills that they suggest to try to dub out some of the things that ‘hooks’ ya, is helpful.   And I have practiced for a couple years, deleting messages and things that I may have or probably would have obsessed with years prior.    Being an artist goes hand in hand with sensitivity, but sometimes I just wish I was a cold hearted bitch who really didn’t care about others.

In the past couple of months I’ve recognized a couple people closest to me who were taking full advantage of me.   Gotta tell you, it hurts.    I kind of give a blanket trust with love, and to learn that I was being used, particularly by blood relatives, has cut me to my core.    I’m working through it, have no idea when or if I will ever get beyond it, but I do know right now I am distancing those who have caused injury to me.    For me, it’s easier to just stay away from them.  I’m far from stupid, and I read and feel peoples energies, which isn’t always fun.    I realize now, what I was feeling a couple months ago was right on target.  I make myself sick thinking about it.    Further complicated by a shifting of loyalty, etc, I’ve been an emotional Reactor.   But today?  Today I finally see that I am powerless over others, and trying to “prove” my righteousness only gets me into a world of discord with myself.  I will no longer defend myself here.  I don’t need to.  I just need to take care of myself, and that includes making decisions and spending time with others who love and accept me, and know who I am.  Basically people, friends, who don’t look to me to gain, monetary or other.

Today for the first time in a couple months I’m feeling like myself again.   Clear on the direction I want to go, stopped listening to outside influences who were telling me I was something that I’m not.   And I’ve just about had it with people taking advantage of me.  So the list of people I spend time with is dwindling.  And that is okay.   I’m finally over whatever bug thing I had, and the only remaining pain from the fall on ice is my wrist.    Progress!

But I want to talk about that little mouse again that died.     Have been feeling pretty raw, vulnerable.   Accepting ugly truth doesn’t come easy for me, or without MORE fucking emotions! ha!     But I digress.     So feeling this discord and discomfort, combined with the cold temps of winter, when this little mouse would come out at night, I welcomed it.   Why?  Even my cat welcomed it.  One night the mouse was about a foot from Chloe, my aging and failing 18 year old cat.  If I can find the video I’ll attach it.  The cat watched the mouse, but wasn’t interested in hunting it.   It was funny but also sobering for me to realize that she just didn’t have the energy to play, so coexisting with the mouse was fine by her.    This little mouse offered coexistence, unity, in what has seemed like a very cold and calculating world to me.   So when it died, I cried, because I would miss it’s visits, and observing it run around like it had won the lottery.

So now, I’m refusing to REact to things, others, or their behavior.    And by doing this, my OWN behavior is back in check.    I’m back in tune with who I am, what I want in my life, and I’m okay with where my life is.  I’m good with myself.   I know my truth.   I’m a good person, an honest person, and I’m deserving of good.  But most of us know that doesn’t always happen!    Thinking of the song “only the good die young!” .      Life just ain’t fair, but I still believe that good is around the corner for me!  After all, today I have peace.  No small feat!

So I’m off to finish up a couple household chores, and then I’m crawling into bed early to watch a movie I’ve wanted to.   Things aren’t perfect, far from it.  In fact, not much has changed in my life over the past couple months, but my insight has!  It’s like putting new lenses in your glasses and seeing the world for all that’s beautiful, not ignoring or denying the ugly, but choosing to keep myself and my life separate from it, as best I can.

Hope you’re having a nice day!     Will I be the only one not watching the super bowl?  Couldn’t care less!   Wishing you peace, love….  Wishing all peace and love.  Tonight I’m embracing gratitude in my attitude !


Happy New Year!


Shortly we, on the East Coast, will ring in 2014.   2013 has been a good year for me.   Every year brings an assortment of experiences, some that we deem good, some that we deem bad.   One commonality with both is that we have the opportunity to learn, to grow.  Some of the most difficult times of my life have brought much character growth.   Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we are never given more than we can handle, but we are continually given the opportunity to help others, thus becoming part of their healing, their coping.   I hope I will not pass on an opportunity to be compassionate with another, to offer a hand when one is needed, to bring a smile to not only my family and friends, but a stranger.

I have pondered at times, when loss, when difficulties have knocked on my door and tomorrow seemed impossible to hope for, let alone the next hour, that perhaps we are given our pain to teach another, to help another, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?  Is there any better feeling than knowing you have somehow helped another in need?  And better yet, to keep these things between yourself and God?

It isn’t about the possessions (okay, brushes, paint & canvas can be exempt here! ♥) but the love we bring to one another.    Priceless are the moments in time that we shall never forget, that fill our palette with the most beautiful colors, softening the gray.   The gift of youth, the innocence, the beauty, the joy….their little antics, and those of our furry children who bring to us unconditional love.  Wow.  Unconditional love.

2013 came with a gift for me to take better care of myself, to be kinder to myself.    I hope 2014 brings this to all of us.

I have no New Years Resolutions, I am on a constant journey of growth, of change.   I aspire to become the best person I can possibly be.   I’m very aware that this does not happen purely through joy, but through the difficult treks of life.   I aspire to not be so judgmental of others, including myself, but offer a tender smile and quiet moment to find patience, understanding.   To treat others the way I want to be treated, and to treat myself the way I do those I love.

Bringing in a New Year typically brings some anxiety with it for me.   The uncertainties, the unknowns, and what IS known.   But I remind myself that all we have, all any of us have is this moment right now.  Overrated are tomorrows plans when today, in its shine or unpolished existence, is a wonderful gift.   On the rare occasion I listen to my phone messages, I sometimes will not delete those from loved ones, remembering too well past ones long gone, in which I would love the opportunity to hear once more.   I remind myself, this is just hyper vigilance, for all I really need to do is go to a quiet loving place, and the voices, eyes and smiles of those I long for are right there.  Even if my heart is breaking, I can put my hand over my heart and know, there within they reside

Wishing you all, love, peace and a very happy, healthy, human New Year!      ♥♥♥


Lord, make me a channel of thy peace! 

That where there is hatred, I may bring love

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness

That where there is discord, I may bring harmony

That where there is error, I may bring truth

That where there is doubt, I may bring faith

That where there is despair, I may bring hope

That where there are shadows, I may bring light

That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather

To comfort than to be comforted

To understand, than to be understood.

To love, than to be loved.


It is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.