Tag Archives: tragedy

Blessings

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This afternoon I had a video call with a childhood friend.  A friend whose life changed drastically after a tragic accident.    As I watched him talk, process, thinking diligently about answers or response, my heart sang with joy that this very kindhearted, intelligent friend of my bro’s is still the same person he was probably 40 years ago now.

I can’t tell you how nice it felt to talk to him, he had me laughing hysterically over things that I “forgot” he knew.  You know, when time divides you from your childhood and life happens, sometimes the hardest part of life, and you hear old stories, or see reactions that you haven’t seen in years, it’s sweet.   It’s nice to know that SOME things, some people do not change.

After we spoke I was smiling, thinking about the kid, the teenager he used to be, and my mom and I started sharing stories, and we laughed to our hearts delight.    I always encouraged my brother to hang onto this guy as a friend.    He was such a decent being way back when.

Most of us are aware of the crudeness, the blatant evil that exists now, how beautiful it is to me that while life dished him out some major hard balls, that he’s still the kind, caring, compassionate and wonderful person he was before life put it’s ugly talon’s into our flesh.

In a world where you only know what someone wants you to know, how refreshing, how sweet it feels to revisit youth, and share a laugh or two regarding things long since forgotten, or buried.

I haven’t had it nearly as hard, nor do I care to compare heartbreak with anyone, but I know for myself, I have tried to always remain kind, to remain uninjured, still “soft”, so as not to harden like leather that many people have had happen.    It happens.  Life is not a picnic for all, and sometimes it’s just damn hard to walk through a day with all the knowledge or what is happening in this world.

But today, tonight, I am smiling that this kind soul, who knew me long before the many depressions or hardships that has occurred in my life, and that he, too, is still “soft”.  What a delightful conversation, and as I watched his eyes move as he was talking, I was reminded, pleasantly of how philosophical he has always been.  Even as a youngster, he really listened, and he answered questions after processing, and in spite of all the hardships we both have encountered, we were still able to conjure up things from our long ago past, and laugh hardy.

What a gift the past week has been for me.   Spending time with good, kind, “real” people, kindred spirits.   I’ve been truly blessed with these experiences.

 

Like sand through the hourglass

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The past couple weeks I’ve had to take a hiatus from working on my house, given that I lifted my mantle off the gas fireplace and wrenched my back.   So I have found myself sorting, tossing, and thus, revisiting my life with notebooks of writing, poems, boxes of pics, and more.  Where the hell did the last 54 years of my life go?

Further depth came after the tragedies in Orlando.   I will not even go here.  I will say that I have been and am praying for all those affected by such monstrosities.   I am saddened beyond words, of what has and is transpiring in this country, in this world.   I pray for ALL of us.

But I will admit, there is something more going on with me.   I don’t fully understand it, nor am I questioning it, but I am at peace with so much, even in spite of all that is going bad in this world.   I FEEL something coming.   I have random thoughts of what it may be, but I’m not going to go here either.  What I want to share is, I’m accepting myself for who I am, where I’ve been, and finding peace with all that I wanted to be, do, but probably never will.

While looking at pictures from my past, I feel the moment, I recall the times, the feelings, the good, the bad, and the beautiful.   I am aligning with who I am.   And while I want to lose 75 lbs, and more, I am finding peace even with that.  What if I don’t?  Do I want to spend another minute of what’s left of my life worrying about or condemning myself for NOT  BEING PERFECT?

It’s interesting, the story of my life told in pictures.   I have known great love.  I have known great pain.  I have accomplished a lot on my own, without formal education, and I have met SOOO many wonderful people in my life.   Many friends have come and gone, and that’s okay, it is just the ebb and flow of life.  Today, tonight, as I write this blog, I am right with all that has transpired in my life.   I have found peace, and for that I AM TRULY THANKFUL.  If my life ends tomorrow, I am okay with it, because this place where I am is amazing.

I am grateful I was there with my sisters through the illnesses that stripped them of life.  I am grateful that I spent almost a decade of my life with a man who shortly thereafter, drank himself to death.  I am grateful for this “fat” that encompasses my body, because it helps me feel protected from an uncertain world.    Feeling safe anywhere today, is a big thing.   But most importantly to me, I am thankful that I am a good, honest, hard working person who finds pleasure in the simplest of things, in nature.   I don’t spend my time wishing I was in a relationship, or with anyone else, I am happy with my life.   I have learned the most through every tragedy and laughed immensely through much.

In many ways, where I am right now reminds me of surviving and completion of treatment for breast cancer.  It was freeing.   I had (and still have) no room in my life for luxury drama, or bull shit.   It’s actually a little frightening how vocal I can be now regarding this.   The tiny filter that I once had is almost entirely invisible now.   The older I get, the freer I feel about speaking my truth.

Long gone are the days when I worried about someone liking me, or what they thought of me.   I’m right with myself, with God.   I’m right where I’m supposed to be, and it feels good.

I hope that you are finding peace in your life.  I hope you are, too, realizing how precious life is.   How every second of every day is not promised to anyone, and in the blink of an eye your life, and those lives around you, can be altered drastically.  Anyone hearing of the massacre in Orlando, can you help but think this?

Sending you love, light, and as I mentioned earlier, prayers for the world we live in.

 

Phillip Seymour Hoffman “cause of death”

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I just realized that the “official cause of death” for Phillip Seymour Hoffman has been revealed.  Yep, the barrage of ignorant jokes and comments are in full force.

My thoughts are with his family, his friends who now have been notified of the expected and not surprising “official cause of death” are not only reminded again, still raw to his death, but are now further pained with the senseless sad loss of their loved one.     Why?  How come?  What if?    His death is sad.  His death is tragic as are the too many others who have died of addiction, alcoholism.   Joke, laugh if you must, just don’t come near me.   It is sad, very sad as well as the too many deaths of other addicts.

Anger resurfaces for me.   Painful memories of loved ones plight and demise through addiction, with my own mental illnesses and societies both ignorant and uneducated understanding of what addiction is.     

Feeling the need to repost my first post on this subject, well regarding Phillip Seymour Hoffman.   Another tragedy… not just another person who overdosed.  How ignorant the comments that “he deserved what he got”.    The words “F OFF” come to the forefront of my mind.    Just wait until YOU experience such a tragedy, and you will.  You know why?  It’s a frigan epidemic.    Wake up people, educate yourselves and loved ones, PLEASE!

https://donnascullyblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/ignorance-addiction-mental-illness-phillip-seymour-hoffman/

A community mourns

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Life can be so very hard.   Our experiences have the potential to drop us to our knees, hopefully asking for help.  Tragedy will sometimes bring the nonbeliever to a moment of belief, if only in the bargaining stage, and then in the anger stage some will blame God (or a higher power of their understanding) forever for what tragedy occurred. thus reinforcing their nonbelieving in a power greater than themselves.  I read once, if you are angry at God, then it is proof that you believe in his existance because if you did not believe in him, how could you be angry with him?

I am not a religious person, but I am a very spiritual person.  I believe in a higher power, a devine existance that is not punishing, but loving, kind, and wants us to be happy.  I have experiences with this power that I pray to, that I look to for guidance, and to whom I answer to.  I call this being God.  I do not judge others beliefs, faiths, religions, I believe that hope and faith are are crucial to existance as air, organs, water and food.  Without hope or faith you may in fact survive physically but spiritually, emotionally the soul needs nurturance too.  It will not survive long without it.

A couple of days ago in our small community a beautiful, sweet energetic teenage girl took her own life.  Rumors are that it was over a boy.  The reasons really do not matter, what matters is she felt hopeless.   Her parents, good parents, her family, a good christian based family are, as you can only imagine, broken hearted.  Her death is a tragedy to all of us.  She had so much to live for, a wonderful future ahead of her, what could she have possibly felt so hopeless about that she wanted to end her life?  For those who have never considered suicide, I imagine it is unconceivable.  To those of us who have, I will share that she probably did not want her life to be over, she wanted her pain to stop.  Whether that pain be from a breakup, from peer pressure, from loss of identity, I do not know, but I do know, it is very sad, very tragic and many of us are left walking around dazed wondering “What could we have done?”  

My nephew to whom I love like my own is one of the great joys in my life.   He and I share a special bond.  he is an intelligent, humorous, charming kid that at the age of 19 is looking for direction in his life.   He is a good kid.  He doesn’t do drugs, nor does he drink.  I can see clearly where his thinking gets him into trouble.  If something doesn’t go his way, or go well, he lays down and gives up.  I try to talk to him about this, to tell him, this is part of life.  You just have to get back up and keep going until you get it right.  I understand his frustration, his disappointment, I understand his feeling defeated.  I have felt that way much of my life.   I want to somehow give to him the gift that maturity gives you, the understanding and coping mechanisms of how to deal with his disappointments, his pain.   I can only teach him, to the best of my ability, be an example to him.  He has to do for himself, but he feels like when he does, and hits a roadblock, that its the end of the world.  We, of course know it is not.

How do we get through to these younger kids that pain, disappointment is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to become your life or certainly become the end of your life?  How can we teach them, help them to deal with their emotional pain?  How can we reach them?  Guide them? Help them?  Even as an adult I can get overwhelmed, discouraged to a point where I want to throw in the towel, but I have a support system set up, friends that I call that talk me through those difficult times.  I take a nap, start my day over, pray continuously for strength, until it finally passes and I am through that complicated juncture in my life.  It is hard for me and I have 30 years experience under my belt of how to deal with emotional pain.  How do we teach this to our youth?

I know my mother has been a constant support in my life over the past few years when it seems I’ve been slammed with one difficult challenge after another.  Are my challenges any more difficult than anyone elses?  Eh, you know what?  I try not to compare.   If someone is in pain, they are in pain, I offer an ear, a hand, a cup of tea or ten, whatever it takes to help them.  Sometimes they just need to talk.   I read an article yesterday on rejected people living with HIV, children even.  I walked away from this article feeling the same as I did after some very difficult challenges in my life.   I was gifted with perspective.   The things that weighed heavy on my mind yesterday were no longer there.  They were insignificant.  I am saddened by the tragedies and heartache of others, but I am uplifted and grateful for the gifts of perspective.

This morning I found myself giddy when I was able to drive my subaru out of the place it was parked after being plowed in.  I didn’t have to shovel!  It made my day.  It didn’t take winning the lottery,  new livingroom furniture or any new possessions to make me  happy.  It is in fact the little things in my life that bring a  big smile to my face and bring me joy.  Perhaps it is this very thing that our youth are missing.  They seem to have everything, computers phones, things that I had to work my butt off to get as an adult.  I don’t know, I don’t know what the answer is, I do not claim to.  I am certainly not looking for anyone to blame, just asking… How can we stop this from happening again? 

But what I do know is….a friend posted on his facebook after being emotionally and physically shaken after learning of this young girls passing “there is nothing I can say, except to offer my prayers, and an ear to anyone who needs to talk, anytime”.  -Tim Arsenault   To me?  That is a pretty big offering.  It is human beings at their very best, willing to help one another.

My prayers and thoughts are with all who loved Leah Short.  Leah’s family and many friends need our prayers, the students, teachers at BUHS need our prayers, our community needs our prayers.  We are all feeling this tragic loss.   God speed Leah, Rest in Peace Sweet Child.