Tag Archives: timing

“Signs”

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This past week I spent a few days in Maine, York to be exact.   Being around water is super wonderful for me, it helps ease the binds that chain me.   The ocean?  Makes me realize how small my problems are.  That is not to say that my problems aren’t important to me, they are, and I’m facing life with zest and experience, knowing a higher power has always had my back, and I highly doubt he’ll abandon me now.    But just as anytime something bad happens to you and you never really have to look real far for someone who has it not only worse than you, but much worse, and they handle it gracefully, the ocean reminds me that the reaches of self importance in extreme can be like a tital wave, gushing in here, there, everywhere until you are no longer focused on that which needs work.

I was thinking about what it’s like when you lose your identity.  For me, I was a art teacher.  I travel taught, and published in magazines, self published, even authoring a book many moons ago now.   So when that seized to exist, who am I?  What am I accomplishing?  Am I worthy of life?    So now, just these questions you probably are saying “Lighten the hell up, Donna!”.    This is where my brain goes.    I felt purpose when I taught.   I remember when I cut way back on travel teaching, a battle five years ago with depression and anxiety so high I don’t care to even think about it.    I couldn’t function.   I had all I could do to take care of myself, physically, mentally.    So teaching was cast aside and so were many “friends” who didn’t accept “the new me”.    Maybe it’s in my head, but maybe not.  When you are no longer supplying people with what they want, or need, does your existence go away?   Because if it does?   I’m here to tell you, these people are not your friends.   Friend’s stick with you through the challenges of life, and there are MANY challenges in life.  And those who don’t?   Doesn’t mean they weren’t your friend, or that they don’t care.  Perhaps they don’t.  But It’s okay.  It really is.   Because new, good, fun, meaningful things are new people are awaiting your arrival!

I’m about to embark on a “come back” if you will.   But not really a come back, but a new chapter in the life and times of Donna Scully.   Not really sure what will work for me, but I know I loved to teach, and if I went into a class in a bad mood, when I left it, I was singing and smiling.  (Insert Rocky Balboa theme song here).   KIDDING!  Have a lot of things going on, excited and happy about that.  Stay tuned!

I’ve been thinking about how painful and disappointing it can be when you are treated differently because for what ever reason, you are no longer offering what you once did.  Who is not to say that you aren’t better then you ever were?  Seriously?

I have a friend who was unfriended by many “friends” because of his political view.   A “star” to them at one time, now, forgotten.   It has to hurt.  It did when long time friends did that to me, but I’ve long since made peace with all that.    I really have.   I believe when doors close, windows open, and new adventures will reveal themselves.

I’m a creative soul, a good soul.  I am kind, honest, caring, and I love fiercely.   But age and experience has taught me that not everyone is worthy of time (and likewise, I’m sure).   So I’m rather excited about “new beginnings” that will define itself mid term.   I look for signs, pray for guidance, and am never disappointed with what comes to replace the old.    The problem I have is hanging onto what once was.    I white knuckle it until I’ve made the step of acceptance, and USUALLY when I can’t decide what is next for me, it is because it hasn’t yet been revealed.

I remember a day when I was on my way to a Michael’s, probably 30 miles from my home.  On my way there I was asking my higher power “Should I start designing in needlecraft again?”    Not five minutes later, upon entering Michael’s and heading back to the yarn department a woman I hadn’t known said my name.  “Donna Scully?”  Oh boy, how do they know me?   Anyway.  She introduced herself as a couple of my students mom.  Had recognized me from magazine pics, I guess.    (Miracle there).   Anyway, she said “Guess what I’m doing here?”  I look down at her basket which was full of this one beautiful colored yarn.   “Making a sweater?” I asked?   With that, she pulled out one of my Leisure Art booklets that has long since been retired, it was an instructional pamphlet with 5 of my sweater designs in it.  “Nice!” I said!    “Thanks for sharing!”

As I walked back to the department after our conversation I looked up, smiled and said “Thank you!”    The experience justified spending more money than I was planning on!  (I’m good at justifying when it comes to my creative efforts).

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago… alas, direction, I know what I’m doing, and the direction I’m supposed to head in.  But all eyes are not on the prize, but on what presents itself because things rarely ever turn out the way I think they are going to.   I have endless stories of this type of event happening with me.   Like one time thinking maybe I’d sell my house and move away.  To where?  Was in CT with a close friend, we were on a Craigslist adventure.     During our conversation I said I didn’t yet “feel it”.  I didn’t know where I should be, I just know I felt disheveled.   Just as I say that a sign (town sign) showed up on our right.  “Vernon” (which is also the Town in which I live in another state!”   We both laughed.  I guess I’m supposed to stay put!

Do you get these signs?  Are you listening and open to them?   I bet signs are all around you, are you open to seeing or hearing about them?

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Timing challenged

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“Donna, have you ever kept track of how long it takes you do to tasks?  I think it may surprise you!”   Yup, she was right!

It seems I am always rushed for time, frantically getting things done on my “Honey do it yourself” list.   Simple prep instructions emailed should only take about 15 minutes top, right?  Wrong, add one hour.  I had to write the prep instructions, scan the line drawings, and there very rarely is not issues with me on how to do things.  I think I’m computer literature, but I realize I know just enough to know I don’t know enough.  I can hold my own, but there are tasks I know can be done quicker, simpler…if only I had the time to learn them!

Always running with my hair on fire, getting to appointments, meetings one minute before, or squeezing in under the late buzzer in my and my doctors heads!   I am learning to leave early, just IN CASE of unexpected delays, like…traffic?  I have been consistently early for a few weeks now.   I’m enjoying the relaxation, not having my body tensed up because I’m going to be late…changing things I can change to make my life better, to improve the quality of my life.

“Why don’t you start earlier so you aren’t rushed?”  The last convention I started one month before, prepping surfaces, getting packets done, and STILL when it came time to go, I still had things I brought with me to do.   I felt so proud of myself that I was tackling things earlier.   Bottom line, I guess it saved some stress but there was not absence of such.

A very small ornament class.   “I need about 4 hours prep”.   Wrong again.   It took half that to basecoat them, Three hours to straighten up and set up my art room into a classroom, 1.5 hours transferring patterns.  Of course there is always something that goes wrong, in this case the ornaments were drilled in the opposite direction needed.  Out comes the wood filler, and it takes several “coats” to fill it in nicely and not have it obvious…. Then ,,,, they need to be drilled the right way!

I horrendously misjudge time.  Funny, I am very good and mostly right on track with my curriculum when I teach, but most other things?  Insanely wrong.  No wonder I am always flying around with my hair on fire.   As a bored kid my mother would often say “There just isn’t enough time in the day!” , I would roll my eyes, sometimes the days seemed too long.  Now, not only do I see glimpses of my mother reflect from the mirror but I hear myself saying the same thing.   I yi yi!

It isn’t only calculating task times, but also budget.  I’ve been working VERY hard to get to a point where I will be able to cover my bills, I don’t want the stressers anymore.   I’m finding that physically I am not able to do the things I did 10 years ago, even 5.   I hate admitting that, I hate accepting it but it is a cold fact.   The days of prepping for 4 classes at a convention, packing up the booth, getting out the new packets, prepping surfaces, copying instructions, pictures, line drawings, transferring design onto surfaces, driving 12 hours straight to get to the convention center, unload the van, set up the booth, organize all for classes, teach classes, run the booth (I learned quickly to split the booth with another, as it not only covers costs but also you have relief!), figure out the taxes, break down booth, load up the van, drive 12 hours home, unpack the van, inventory packets, fill orders, unpack all of the stuff that I just unloaded, and have a class scheduled for the next morning!   INSANITY!    I honestly don’t know how I ever did it, I know I couldn’t do what I have done the past decade and a half without the help of my mom.  She works cheap…for coca cola!    

I remember about 20 years ago when I was in much pain, doctors hadn’t figured out what was wrong with me, finally I saw a neurologist and he did testing, upon meeting him to find out the results he said “There is nothing wrong with you, you just have fibromyalgia!”   Dr. Patak was his name.   This was when fibromyalgia was just starting to be recognized by doctors, and his statement clearly proved he didn’t have a clue as to what it was, or what it took from me, what it takes from others.   I renamed him Dr. Pecker and was fortunate enough to have a good primary care provider who hooked me up with some good resources, specialists.    I don’t talk often (or I don’t think I do) about fibromyalgia.  When I was finally diagnosed, with assistance of a cane at times, I went to a support group at the local hospital.   I was the youngest there and it didn’t help me at all.   I am sure they have changed, and I know the facilitators of the meetings now are very helpful, offer educational facts and self help tips, stretching, exercises.  Back then I felt it was a “pissing and moaning” group.    I vowed then that I wasn’t going to become “Donna Fibromyalgia Scully”, and I haven’t.   Screw that.  But I digress….so I was making my bed one morning, pain shooting up my legs and back, I started to cry and said out loud “I just can’t do this anymore, I can’t do everything anymore”.   Now add to that aging, natural slowing down, I simply am not the woman I once was who could juggle it all, and as I said above, run state to state with my hair on fire.    Only recently have I intellectually accepted this.

I’m growing leaps and bounds, making better decisions for myself, improving the quality of my life.  I have wonderful friends, and a couple in particular who have helped me through so much and still do.  I am quite fortunate there, and grateful as well.  I also am grateful that I work from home, in my pajamas if I want, unless I am travel teaching or at convention.   I have the advantage of throwing in a load of laundry where those who work outside the home have to fit that into their off work time.   I can set my own schedule, if I don’t sleep well, I sleep in and work later, if I have a doctors appointment I can make it without missing work, it’s much easier for me to get there than those with scheduled work hours.    I honestly don’t know how women, single women, do all that they do, not to mention single mothers…. Good god!  I suppose that sounded sexist.  I don’t know how ANYONE does this long term.   

So am I moaning? Eh, I’m really not upset, and many times my words have been misconstrued as anger or griping.  It is not, I am learning, changing, and shocked and sharing how wrong I was with timing of tasks, etc.   Would I do it over again? No question..YES! I don’t even want to think about what else I am wrong about that is negatively affecting the quality of my life…not yet anyway….  It will reveal itself soon enough. 

Change is not easy, at least not for this woman.   It takes self discipline, reprograming, perseverance and more, but I am doing it.  I have heard and read that “pain is the greatest motivator”.   I agree.   When our realities become painful, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, we are more motivated to change it.

Now off I go to do another 3 hours of work before I go to bed.   Think I timed this right???????

 

 

Timing…

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If I am true to what I believe, there are no coincidences in life.  The people we meet, the opportunities, misfortunes, things that come into our lives all have purpose and meaning.   I remind myself of this as I am thinking about timing tonight.

Have you forgotten something, ran back inside of your house to retrieve it, then a couple minutes later as you are driving down the road you realize you just missed being in a head on collision?  Have you walked into an airport and and found your neighbor sitting in the same terminal as you?  There are so many examples of this, too many to list, but the gist of what I am saying is… if I believe that there is purpose to everything then I also have to believe that the timing, too is impeccable.

People, places, things come into our lives for reasons, seasons, lessons…  In my earlier years I would hold on with all my might if I liked someone.  These days I know that’s the quickest way to destroy the beauty of the moment.  Living in the moment is enjoying the present, not focusing on what will be tomorrow, but what is right now.  The fact is… every relationship in our life will end.  Sad but true.   We can buy the biggest houses, the fanciest cars, we can purchase an island with family inheritance… but it is all merely rent.   None of this is forever, nor are our relationships.   Yet most people (myself included in this) take these things for granted.   It is easy to get caught up in the stresses of everyday life and forget about what is really important, what matters most to us. 

Each of us has choices to make in our lives.  There is no right or wrong really.  It’s about what we want to do with our lives, in our lives.   Sometimes we cross paths with people that we really like or connect with but it seems like the timing isn’t right.  One persons light is looking left, the others is looking right.  And that’s okay, it doesn’t mean the timing isn’t right.  It just means there was a purpose and it was served.  

Will we cling to the disappointment of the situation or the beauty of the experience?  Will we take from this the knowledge of the lesson or wallow in its ending?

Choices…

Choices…