Tag Archives: struggles

Angst

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For the last week my mind and spirit have been hijacked by the powerful entity of fear, uncertainty, and anxiety.  It invaded my brain, and then quickly took over what seemed to be my soul, leaving me reaching out to anything that I could hold onto.

I’m not shy to talk about my mental illlness, I do so in hopes of helping another, because when all is said and done, I know I’m not alone here.   But I am always leery about sharing too much, because people do treat you differently.   It’s a hard fact.   The talons of mental illness are sometimes ignored, and certainly mistreated, some due to ignorance, and others?  Fear!

The grip this trip was treacherous.  And I didn’t help myself by reaching out to another until last night when others reached out to me.  Oh how potent a secret battle that carries its venom best when we are in isolation from the world.     

My anxiety and fears are very real.  And I haven’t experienced this intensity of anxiety in years.  I will admit tonight, I should have been in a hospital, getting help, but after how many years in therapy, what else is there to say?   I recall a House, MD episode where he walks out of his therapy session and says “You don’t have any answers”.

What amazes me this evening, as I sit here writing this blog, is where my mind was just mere hours ago.  Nothing has changed in my setting, nothing has changed in my reality, except that I did, with the help of many cherished prayers and encouragement from friends, face my fears today.  Tonight I am exhausted, worn like an old penny, and while my anxiety is there, I’m practicing letting it be, letting the anxiety reveal itself, and trying everything I know not to feed it or let it overpower me again.   Feeding it got me into a full fledge panic attack earlier, where I was grasping for breath, sweat pouring off me, and had to sit with my head in my hands for several minutes because I was borderline passing out.  Yes, that awful place I’ve known a few times before.  If you’ve never encountered such, I am both happy and envious of you.

My ditzy little old cat has stayed by my side for days.  Mommy wasn’t healthy, and her steadiness and loyalty clings to my heart.

I really don’t care to share anymore tonight.   As I said earlier, I’m spent, and I’m hoping that with meds I will be gifted with a good nights sleep.  Rest assured I will be on my knees tonight praying that I do not wake up like I have the past couple mornings.   But in case I do, I need a plan.  So I’m working on a little “cheat sheet” note to myself for morning.  And this blog serves as a reminder to my saner, calmer self and conscience.

Earlier I sat down, with John Denver ( my roots) playing in the background, and started painting a small daisy.  Something cheery, something positive before I retire.  Revisiting “Let it Be” was what I needed.  I closed my eyes and let the music take me where I needed to go.  To the many dark places I’ve survived in my life, and that this?  This I’m determined will not have extended stay.  I cannot afford it, physically, mentally, spiritually.

I welcome your prayers, positive energy over the next few weeks as I find my way through this “episode” for lack of a better word.

My greatest wish for myself, and for all, for that matter,  in not wealth, but peace.  I welcome it’s return, and will strive to achieve it and then hold onto it.    Peace.

Peace to you, too.

 

 

 

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A brook runs through it….
A brook runs through it...my life, yours....all

A brook runs through it…my life, yours….all

Summer is here.  The greens that surround me are so vibrant, so varied.  The smell of grilling is everywhere.  Its that time of year that you sometimes see underwear hanging on a clothes line!  Not in this house, anyway..and no, it isn’t because I don’t wear them, it is because that is too much work.  But I’ve gotta tell you, there is nothing quite like freshly washed sheets that have been dried outside!  One of the pleasures of living in the country.  But beware of bees!

I have gotten into the habit of driving down an old back road where a brook runs alongside of it.  It comforts me, it soothes me, it is one of the many reasons why I love living in Vermont.  (Remind me of that next Winter when I am complaining about shoveling snow!).  First, its always cooler there. The trees foliage serves as a canopy from the hot sun. Second, the sound of water running (and not down my leg), the streaming of the water around the rocks brings me joy.

I often relate life to nature and other things as well.  I’m sure I have shared why I like Dylan so much.  His voice replicates life to me.  Sometimes harsh, sometimes soft, sometimes not even ledgible!  It is all of these things, and more that I experience in life. Wondering if there will ever be a man who sings “Lay Lady Lay” to me! At any rate, this charming picturesque route on Broad Brook Road I identify similarly to Dylan.  Sometimes life has a rough current, other times it flows in happy harmony against the rocks that reside with them.  Sometimes we are covered with foliage (shelter) and other times fully exposed.   Sometimes the current is so strong, so fast it is hard to get let alone keep my bearings, and other times the pace is lackadaisical – Ever reminding me that every aspect of my life serves an important part. Life isn’t just about roses (which by the way, I’m allergic to!), or just happiness or sadness. It is about discovering, exploring, growing, learning and love…Let us not forget love! I vow to be gentler on myself and others. To think twice before I judge another and perhaps even myself. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were all a little kinder, gentler with ourselves and others? I need to treat myself the way I treat my family or friends, I am, after all, both of these to myself! Working on forgiving myself for the things I did or did not do, for not being perfect, and when my best just does not seem good enough. I aspire to smile more, laugh often. (I really do not have a difficult time achieving the later..I love my sense of humor and I don’t mind saying so!) I aspire to chip away at the wall I have built to cover my heart. I shall love again! I shall love again! Just smile! When the time comes that tears flow again, and they will, I will do my best to remember, smile Donna, just smile and have peace in knowing all of it is penning the story of my life, and I do have a good life. Life, even at its challenging trying times, is beautiful. Sometimes I need to bear patience or exert myself to look further around the bend! To remind myself that the future is uncertain…and it could very well be better than I can fathom!

As I look in the back seat I see my Lilly girl fully stretched with her head out one of the windows.  She looks like a small bear cub when she does this.  Her favorite cruising speed appears to be 40-50, Brody’s was 25-35.  Two entirely different pooches.

My home is starting to smell much better!  Two animals sprayed by skunks in one week was a bit much!  Lilly looks like she had her facial fur highlighted as the peroxide I used in a concoction to help alleviate the stench lightened her hair, actually turned it charcoal greyish.  That’s okay though, because those little brown eyes are much more noticeable this way.   She is enjoying visits to gramma’s house when I have appointments or errands.   All in all she is a sweet little dog whom brings me much joy, many smiles. Just smile, Donna! Just smile!

Things aren’t perfect and they never will be. Perhaps momentarily they may appear to be, but no matter where I am in life I will be okay. Things may not go the way I’d like, or even planned (which can sometimes I define as premeditated resentments, as futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight) but do I choose to fight the current or ride it out til it brings me to solemn, serene waters? The choice is mine.

Now I and Lilly shall take the jeep into the woods and explore. What will we see today? A deer? Beaver? Pheasant? It’s always as adventure… Discovery, its a wonderful thing!  Maybe, just maybe…I will learn something new something good about myself!

A brook runs through it….

Living well….what defines your life

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Much of my life I spent thinking that everyone else had the “secret or answer” to life, and I was the one left out, running, scurrying around looking for the key to happiness.  I ALSO thought that the difficult times of my life did not count towards what defined my life or self, only the happy times.

Thank GOD for maturity, growth, and knowledge!

Today I see things so differently.  First off, life is so much more than just about being happy.  Happiness is something we strive for and can and may achieve in spite of all the obstacles, challenges and things that come into our lives.  I know now that it is the challenges, the difficult parts of my life that have helped build my character, helped form and shape the person that I am today.   Lessons and gifts come in so many different packages.   There is always something positive in every situation if we choose to look at it.  That does not discount the humility or difficulties and yes, emotional pain that comes with many lessons.  One of the greatest motivators for change for me is in fact, pain.  And it is through our pain that we learn, we grown… we realize we are stronger than we ever thought we were, our perspective may change thus bringing new light into our life.  We may not like them, but they are an important part of our lives.

I really have no jealousy over anyone.  I may envy others financial security at times, but even that is a fleeting thought.  I was watching a biography on an artist whose life was difficult and he struggled with depression, and difficulties throughout his life and then it hit me…. Wow… his life isn’t just about the fact that he is now a popular (and dead lol) artist… we read (for me I suck it up like a sponge) about their lives, wanting to know more about them, and it was at that moment that it really hit me… our life is defined by the script in its entirety of when we were conceived or born, to death… and for some, even after… by want they leave behind…. their “legacy”. 

When I look at it that way I am not so hard on myself, but instead proud of myself for all that I have lived through and learned from… AND use my experiences to help others with!  Also the capacity in which I am able to love, to give to others, to feel.  I am so far from perfect, and it is so relieving to know that I am not the “odd man out” looking for the answer or secret to life.  We are all just doing our best, trudging along, living our lives, making decisions.  It makes it so much more interesting to look at others, to see how they choose to live their life, how they make a living, what is important to them, what isn’t, and so on.  And it always intrigues and inspires me to see or hear about someone whom I know has experienced great challenges and emotional or physical pain/struggles  in their life and to see them laughing, smiling and happy.   What an amazing person!  That to me is wealth.  That to me is the highest level of living!  It isn’t about status, commodities or anything like that.

Today I am proud to be me,,, Today I am grateful that for this day I can enjoy some relaxation time, I am crisis free at the moment, and I see so much beauty all around me….