It has been a very busy week for me, but a good week. I have been “good tired” from all. It’s a wonderful tired, unlike that of depression, pain. I have been feeling so well I don’t want to change anything, or “rock the boat”. Now past the fear of “losing it”, I am very much enjoying it. It seems like a lifetime since I have felt this good.
A conglomeration of a perfected drug regime, two years of therapy, twice, sometimes 3 times a week, monthly appointments with my psychiatrist, what seemed to be a pouring of pain from my soul was and is met with compassion, suggestions, coping skills. I am humbled, I am grateful for both my therapist and psychiatrist. I am grateful for my desire and commitment to taking care of myself and learning, at the age of 52, how to love myself. I’m not fooling myself into thinking this is “happily ever after”… I know better. There will be times ahead where I will need to delve deep into all that I have and am learning, but today, right now, my life is exempt from further loss, pain of such, or depression. Hallelujah!
I participated in a festival of arts in Massachusetts this past weekend. It was the first time in years that I set up a booth with my artwork. Having passed the torch and props to neighbors and friends who have started a new business, and who were so generously willing to lend me some of their antiques and displays to have the booth, I went well prepared. At first I was a bit nervous, as I unpacked my wares, but in no time I got into it and enjoyed the process. Every travel teaching gig, every show, no matter how well organized and prepared I am, I inevitably forget something. This trip? I forgot what I selling! My packets! It worked out fine. I did not dwell, in fact, was able to laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
I spent a day and two nights with my girlfriend from Newfoundland, Canada whose normally 9 hour ferry trip turned into 3 days and 3 nights, they were “stuck on ice”. As she was sharing the story I just kept shaking my head and laughing… only Anna Marie…only Anna Marie would experience something like this! Well, that and the 799 other passengers whose plans were largely squelched in ice.
It was so nice to connect with others again. Heck it was nice to SEE others again. What seemed to be a very long endless winter, thus isolation from even neighbors, shelter from the storms, has ended. Hope, new birth, warm temperatures and sunshine have returned. It was evident on the faces of all who attended. Winter’s in New England are not easy, and we survived another! It was enjoyable sharing about art, life with friends and students of past, and some, the future. It was also wonderful to hear compliments on my artwork, and feeling sincere concern from many who inquired as to how I was feeling, understanding the depth of darkness I have crawled out of. It was nice seeing sincere happiness from others that I am doing so well. Grateful…I am grateful.
With my house once again turned upside down with what remains of my booth, I am sitting, looking at it with admiration. I did it! I did it! I really did it!
As the train is passing by, only resting from whistling once every 6 seconds, I am very much aware of my surroundings, I am very much aware of how fortunate I am to have woken up this morning, to a new day…granted another day.
My psychiatrist told me that I get into trouble because I stop doing what I need to do to stay well. Not intentional, not even consciously. I have been vigilant of late in continuing and committing to doing things to help myself. Grateful…I am grateful.
Grateful…I am grateful.