Tag Archives: spirituality

“Signs”

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This past week I spent a few days in Maine, York to be exact.   Being around water is super wonderful for me, it helps ease the binds that chain me.   The ocean?  Makes me realize how small my problems are.  That is not to say that my problems aren’t important to me, they are, and I’m facing life with zest and experience, knowing a higher power has always had my back, and I highly doubt he’ll abandon me now.    But just as anytime something bad happens to you and you never really have to look real far for someone who has it not only worse than you, but much worse, and they handle it gracefully, the ocean reminds me that the reaches of self importance in extreme can be like a tital wave, gushing in here, there, everywhere until you are no longer focused on that which needs work.

I was thinking about what it’s like when you lose your identity.  For me, I was a art teacher.  I travel taught, and published in magazines, self published, even authoring a book many moons ago now.   So when that seized to exist, who am I?  What am I accomplishing?  Am I worthy of life?    So now, just these questions you probably are saying “Lighten the hell up, Donna!”.    This is where my brain goes.    I felt purpose when I taught.   I remember when I cut way back on travel teaching, a battle five years ago with depression and anxiety so high I don’t care to even think about it.    I couldn’t function.   I had all I could do to take care of myself, physically, mentally.    So teaching was cast aside and so were many “friends” who didn’t accept “the new me”.    Maybe it’s in my head, but maybe not.  When you are no longer supplying people with what they want, or need, does your existence go away?   Because if it does?   I’m here to tell you, these people are not your friends.   Friend’s stick with you through the challenges of life, and there are MANY challenges in life.  And those who don’t?   Doesn’t mean they weren’t your friend, or that they don’t care.  Perhaps they don’t.  But It’s okay.  It really is.   Because new, good, fun, meaningful things are new people are awaiting your arrival!

I’m about to embark on a “come back” if you will.   But not really a come back, but a new chapter in the life and times of Donna Scully.   Not really sure what will work for me, but I know I loved to teach, and if I went into a class in a bad mood, when I left it, I was singing and smiling.  (Insert Rocky Balboa theme song here).   KIDDING!  Have a lot of things going on, excited and happy about that.  Stay tuned!

I’ve been thinking about how painful and disappointing it can be when you are treated differently because for what ever reason, you are no longer offering what you once did.  Who is not to say that you aren’t better then you ever were?  Seriously?

I have a friend who was unfriended by many “friends” because of his political view.   A “star” to them at one time, now, forgotten.   It has to hurt.  It did when long time friends did that to me, but I’ve long since made peace with all that.    I really have.   I believe when doors close, windows open, and new adventures will reveal themselves.

I’m a creative soul, a good soul.  I am kind, honest, caring, and I love fiercely.   But age and experience has taught me that not everyone is worthy of time (and likewise, I’m sure).   So I’m rather excited about “new beginnings” that will define itself mid term.   I look for signs, pray for guidance, and am never disappointed with what comes to replace the old.    The problem I have is hanging onto what once was.    I white knuckle it until I’ve made the step of acceptance, and USUALLY when I can’t decide what is next for me, it is because it hasn’t yet been revealed.

I remember a day when I was on my way to a Michael’s, probably 30 miles from my home.  On my way there I was asking my higher power “Should I start designing in needlecraft again?”    Not five minutes later, upon entering Michael’s and heading back to the yarn department a woman I hadn’t known said my name.  “Donna Scully?”  Oh boy, how do they know me?   Anyway.  She introduced herself as a couple of my students mom.  Had recognized me from magazine pics, I guess.    (Miracle there).   Anyway, she said “Guess what I’m doing here?”  I look down at her basket which was full of this one beautiful colored yarn.   “Making a sweater?” I asked?   With that, she pulled out one of my Leisure Art booklets that has long since been retired, it was an instructional pamphlet with 5 of my sweater designs in it.  “Nice!” I said!    “Thanks for sharing!”

As I walked back to the department after our conversation I looked up, smiled and said “Thank you!”    The experience justified spending more money than I was planning on!  (I’m good at justifying when it comes to my creative efforts).

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago… alas, direction, I know what I’m doing, and the direction I’m supposed to head in.  But all eyes are not on the prize, but on what presents itself because things rarely ever turn out the way I think they are going to.   I have endless stories of this type of event happening with me.   Like one time thinking maybe I’d sell my house and move away.  To where?  Was in CT with a close friend, we were on a Craigslist adventure.     During our conversation I said I didn’t yet “feel it”.  I didn’t know where I should be, I just know I felt disheveled.   Just as I say that a sign (town sign) showed up on our right.  “Vernon” (which is also the Town in which I live in another state!”   We both laughed.  I guess I’m supposed to stay put!

Do you get these signs?  Are you listening and open to them?   I bet signs are all around you, are you open to seeing or hearing about them?

“50 things about me!”

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1.)   I get teary eyed and goose bumps when I see a big old Red, White & Blue flag flying

2.)  One of the proudest days of my life was when I bought out my ex-husband, and owned my own home!

3.) I am the middle of five siblings

4.) I have known love

5.) I hope to be half the person my dog thinks I am!

6.) My mentor is an 87 year old retired art teacher who I just adore.

7.) I have been in a room with someone I loved when they were told they had only a short time to live

8.) I have EXCELLENT taste in friends.

9.) I find great joy in making things…. Art for one

10.) I have had more surgeries than I can to share!

11.) My home is like my womb, and I hope it’s comfy and inviting to all my guests

12.) I do not like to cook

13.) I rarely lose anything

14.) I am not a morning person, have never been

15.) I was unable to have children, so I guess I married them

16.) I believe in God, and I’ve been blessed to see his work in my life

17.) I believe if you give to another it comes back to you, tenfold

18.) I do not feel my age mentally, but physically I do

19.) My most creative time has been 10pm – 2am

20.)  I despise phones, but I love what my Iphone offers me

21.) I have smoked one cigarette in my life (at age 15), and I had a headache for 2 days

22.) I love Bailey’s Irish Creme

23.) I believe when a door is closed, a window is opened, or visa versa

24.) Music is vital to my happiness

25.) I have had the following cars:  1976 Subaru (Turquoise), 1980 Subaru Coupe (New), Renault p.o.s., 1988 Honda Prelude (new),  Pontiac Fiero, 2003 Subaru Wagon, 86 Jetta, 91 Jetta, 2003 Honda Odyssey, 2003 Jeep Liberty, and I now drive a 2002 VW Passat with 270K!

26.) I am my own worst critic

27.)  I believe food tastes better, and possessions are more appreciated when earned or grown yourself

28.) Sometimes I think about growing old, and I wonder if I will

29.) I am very grateful for my parents and their love for me

30.) The best advice given to me (or that I heard) was “Step back, look at the situation before responding, hence reacting

31.) I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that life is like a 100 piece puzzle that we will only get 60-70 pieces to connect

32.) I know mental illness intimately

33.) I love being near or close to bodies of water, I find it tranquilizing

34.) I hate snakes

35.) Family comes first, always

36.) I know what lost love feels like

37.) I am a cancer survivor

38.) I have laughed so hard I’ve wet my pants

39.) The older I get, the smarter my parents are!

40.) I believe we are responsible for our own happiness

41.)  I don’t like the state of the World.  It saddens me

42.) I have been physically abused before

43.) If I had to do it over again, I would have become a graphic artist

44.) Nature grounds me

45.) I like who I am, I am honest, kind, caring, and I love to laugh

46.) I have lost two sisters to ovarian cancer

47.) I fear more loss

48.) I love animals

49.) Fall is my favorite time of year

50.) I am an extrovert who heals and recoops like an introvert

Whose next to share their list???????????  I dare you!

Faith, Love, Brody

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I’m often asked “How do you choose what you write about?”  Well, that’s easy…whatever is on my mind!   Typically something will happen that will trigger thoughts during that day, other times I share on what ails me, pleases me.

One safe topic is the weather and we are having BEAUTIFUL weather here in Vermont.  Low 70’s, blue skies, a nice breeze that feels like silk on my skin.  The dogs are delighting in it as well, hanging out the windows of my jeep, running around like banches having fun.  The signs of winter have passed and far from my mind, well except saying that!   Trees and bushes are budding, flowers are breaking soil and just for this day I am grateful to be living in Vermont.

For the past decade or more I have had blue birds living in a few of my birdhouses outside.  This year, not.   I have only seen one blue bird, that’s it.   The houses are already filled with nut hatchers and I haven’t quite determined the other one, but I know the two do not like each other.  One so much larger than the other and a bully!

Today I’ve been thinking about faith, spirituality, that which we cannot see under microscopes or touch with our hands – Trust, reaching out our hands in the dark.   I have been fortunate (or conscious?) to have had many spiritual awakenings, moments that tell me, unequivocally, there is more than where we are right now.  There is existence following death, it changes drastically, but it’s there.  I take great comfort in this.  I can tell the days where my attitude is in need of tweaking as this is the time I begin to question that which I know.  That’s when I need to reach deep within myself to get past the crap and into the comforting.   I know when the darkness of depression veils it’s ugliness over me as I lose all sense of hope, faith, peace.   Sometimes I believe others think (hell at times I’ve thought) that I should be able to pull myself out of the throws of depression.  If only.   If only.   It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, well maybe one evil bitch, but that’s it!  I didn’t ask to be born into this.   It has swallowed up many days of my life, too many.   Right now I’m free of it, and on the bad days (I’ve had a couple whoppers of late) I am so fearful that it’s returning.  Am I doing everything I can to help myself?  What can I do to help myself?   My therapist ‘reminded’ me today that the excuse I had to cancel my session on Wednesday was not acceptable.  Gulps.   I thanked her for the phone call and the reminder and told her I’d see her Wednesday!   Smiles.  My psychiatrist reminds me that I tend to stop doing the very things that help me, thus my entering into dangerous territory.   True.

Today it’s easy for me to have faith, I’m feeling well physically, mentally, emotionally and everything outside reminds me of mother nature which is dear to me.  Well maybe not skunks.   I drove past one which was road kill this morning and thought I was going to toss my cookies.  Perhaps THIS will be the year none of my animals get sprayed!   Wouldn’t that be nice?

loyal companionI’m missing my Australian shepherd, my Brody.   It’s been a little over a year since he passed.   He loved being outdoors.  Even in his old age (just shy of 13) he could no longer chase the Frisbees or tennis balls, but he would drag them around in his mouth.  Comical, and sweet.   He was awesome, truly awesome.  Sometimes my mom and my friend Robin get to talking about him and we get laughing hysterically.  He was very smart, you’d have to have met him and spent time with him to understand the depth of what I am saying.  He was almost human at times.   He was one of a kind and like all our pets, can never be replaced.   The one steady comfort that helps me to accept his passing was that he had one unbelievable life.  He really did.  He never knew kennels, he was seldom alone and he was a celebrity of sorts in the small town I live in.   I had a studio and gift shop next to the post office which he and my mother would open all week.  He greeted people outside as they were walking into the post office.   His agility, speed and talent of catching tennis balls in mid air (we’re talking using a ball thrower, fast) resulted in cars pulling over to watch him.    The pet store in the next town over said it was because of Brody that he has sold so many ball throwers!   He was known by kids, adults.   One day when I drove by the high school in the next town over he was hanging out the window (his favorite speed was 30-35) and a bunch of kids were waving and screaming his name “Brody!  Brody!”  I had no idea who they were but they surely knew him!

Time to get back to work.  Haven’t decided which task I’m going to tackle next, too many to list!

EVIL and Kkkkkkkkkkkkkarma

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Today’s Lesson:   If I seek revenge on an evil act, I become part of it

Today’s Gratitude:   I am grateful that I am aware of today’s lesson

I am seething at the moment.  Have you ever been around evil?  I think we all have, whether we have recognized it or not.   How did you react mentally, physically, spiritually to it?  Does it consume you?  Is it changing you into someone you are not or don’t want to be?

I pray for those who have harmed me or my loved ones.   I learned this long ago in a 12 step program.    Evil to me comes in the form of several things, one being deceit, another being greed, ill will to others.    There has been a person that thankfully, is no longer in my life, but still reeking havoc on my family.  Evil..  Greedy.   I believe in karma, and this person has some major bad karma coming to her.  My fear is that when it knocks on this persons door, and it will, will it be through a mutual family member?

Two years ago, when I was hospitalized for depression, I couldn’t talk about some very cruel and evil things that were happening to me.   I was accused of inappropriate touch in a situation that was a very moving memory for me.  How do you deal with something like that?  I was so hurt, very hurt, how this person (same person) took something very beautiful and made it ugly and bad.  I will share the incident in a minute.    I have never been so wrongfully treated in my life.  I couldn’t share about it because I was accused of writing blogs that defamed them.  Everything was taken, twisted, and this blank filled eyed person brought evil into everything that was good.  I was the target.   I am going to talk about it now because it has been a couple years and I know other people have gone through this.  I will not share on this again here.

It was not easy for me to have my breasts removed.  It was not easy to learn that the cancers I had were at high risk of recurrence and I was at high risk of another.   With my higher power in my heart, and friends and family at my side, I made the difficult decision to have double mastectomies and reconstruction.   I declined chemotherapy for reasons I will one day share.  For 2 years I went through surgery after surgery because my compromised immune system created complication after complication.    Part of reconstruction for the type I chose began at the same time as mastectomies.  Expanders were placed under the muscle.  Saline was inserted each week, or every other week to stretch the muscle and tissue, preparing for the implant.  It was a journey I would wish on no one.  But here is the thing.  I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.  I learned who I was, what I was made of, and I now share my experiences, in essence, teach others the risks, things I learned which may or may not help them.  I probably, no, I know I share a lot of personal things in my blog, sometimes I will go back and delete because I feel too exposed.  The only reason I share what I do is because I know I am not alone in whatever it is I am struggling with, I am not unique with my challenges, my hardships.  If my experiences, my words can help even one other person…. isn’t that great?

Well, this innocent child had watched me go through this for months, noticing the change in my body from start and reconstruction and never asked about it.  I am sure this child’s parent told them not to.    One night this child came to spend the night with me.   We played, beaded, painted, read, took the dogs on a hike in the woods.  It was a wonderful weekend for both of us.    When we were getting ready for bed I took off my sweatshirt, revealing a cotton camisole, something that I had to wear for months….Anyway, this child seemed angry and upset, crawling down to the foot of the bed to look.  “That isn’t your pajama’s” she said.   I replied “This is what I am going to wear for pajamas”.   Now, she was  angry that I wasn’t changing into something different I asked “What is the matter?”    After a couple of minutes the reply “I want to see”.   Knowing the extent of the scars, I said “We’ll check with your parents first”.  “They told me to ask you”.  “No, they didn’t”.   Persisted until I said a prayer, picked up my shirt and showed my breasts.   “Does it hurt?”   “No, it doesn’t”….   “Can I feel one?”  “Yes… a tender touch to this rock hard breast “It’s hard, are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”  “No it doesn’t hurt”….. and that was that.   Curiosity of a child.   We snuggled into bed with a bag of Doritos and I prayed that I did the right thing.   Just as this child was falling to sleep “Donna?”….. “Yes”…..   “It’s no big deal!”    As she fell asleep, a plentitude of tears fell down my cheeks.  Through the eyes of a child, the innocence, the beauty, the validation that I was not deformed or should be concerned about how I looked.   It was a beautiful moment and one that I will hold dear.     In the morning I told the parents and they were fine with it.   Months later when it became convenient to manipulate to get what was wanted, it suddenly became improper touch.      Devastating.

I cannot describe to you the pain that this caused me.  I cannot describe to you the anguish and how devastating this was for me.    I went to see my girlfriend at her work and told her what was happening.  She and I have been friends for 30 years.  “You are still allowed to see them (child) ?   Yes.  “Donna, think about that.  If someone did something to my child you can damn well bet the last thing that would happen is their being near my family again.  And furthermore, the first thing I would do would be to call the police!  Did they call the police?”  “No”.  My girlfriend is very intelligent, she is also a woman of class, but more importantly, high scruples, morals, standards.   I trust her implicitly.  We have seen each other through some of the roughest times in our lives.  Crying, I could see the anger in her.  When she gets angry her jaw clenches, and her jaw was clenching.  She was angry.  She was angry because she knows me, and she knows that I would never do anything like what I was then was being accused of, and that this evil persons lies were so painful for me.  She loves me, and I her.    My visit with her helped me through the next couple of days, and finally combined with other things that were going on, I became suicidal.   I felt like I had little support through this, my friends were very supportive.   EVIL.    My nephew had come to live with me.  He also had been targeted in ugly ways.  At 20 years old he was one of my biggest supporters.  I will forever be grateful that he was living with me then.   I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital.   It was all too much for me to sort through, to accept.    Beauty, innocence purposely distorted for their gain which was revenge at my family.

I have seen evil.  I have been victim to evil.   When the hair on my neck stands up, when my stomach starts to flip flop around someone, I walk away, I stay away.  Why?  Because I want no part of it.  It was during this time that I called my cousin who is a very spiritual, religious man, he spiritually guides me.   Actually, he called me at 2 am because we were both up (as usual) and I was having a particularly hard day.   He talked to me about strife, we spoke of evil.   The energy of this person is evil.  A blankness in the eyes, not a tear shed for anything in over 10 years plus, no conscience, cruel, greedy and more. I have nothing to do with this person but it angers me to see the continued pain caused by greed, lies, accusations.   I will not allow myself to hate.   It takes too much out of me physically, mentally.   I pray for this person.  I pray for those of the wake that is left from their actions.  I pray for their health, physically and mentally.    It is not for me to judge another, but it is my business when so wrongly accused of such vial things, or in general to assess a person, place of thing is good for me.   I am not the judge of her.   I am a victim of her vengeance.  People with vengeance in their energy I steer clear of as well.  They are dangerous.    I will never “win” anything at the level they are because I am not like that, I do not understand nor live there, nor will I ever be.

I will work through this anger.   I will support the latest victim, but I will never go near them again.   I think the devil himself would wear leather gloves before touching this evil entity.

If you don’t like what I said, do not tell me so.  Please keep your comments to yourself then.  If you understand, then by all means, please share, it helps me, it helps us all, there is strength in numbers.    I know that evil exists.  I know that there is a dark side that my body reacts to, warning me of the danger.   I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful I was able to walk away and leave them to their creator.  Because you know what happens?  In my pain, in my ego, I was becoming someone I am not.  It’s ironic how that works.

If this person is cyber stalking still….. I will once again say to you what I said gently and with compassion back then “Get help”.   Also remarks of my mental illness, cruel demeaning comments, knife slicing comments that cut through my heart.   My thoughts on this are…. what is worse?  Being treated for a mental illness or being ignorant to one and not seeking help?

Evil exists.  Karma exists.  Love exists.   Goodness exists.  I am protected, however through my God.   I am guided to be the best person I can be, to help others, to love others, and to accept both myself and others, shortcomings and all.  To learn, to grow, to teach.   I share this because I did nothing wrong.  I share this because “secrets” are not healthy, we are as sick as our secrets.  I share this and will share this more explicitly in the book I am writing.    I am not as fearful of evil as I once was as I know I will be protected.  I am, however, cautious and hyper vigilant on when and what evil will appear in my life next.   I have to work on that because that very hyper vigilance keeps me from appreciating this very moment.    Every day it gets easier for me.  Every day I grow and are becoming the best person I can be…

Please, no sympathy, I am okay.  I always welcome prayers, and if you will say a prayer for this person, that would be great.

Thanks for listening….

Today’s artwork is one season of several window scenes I have painted.   This is “Cardinal Window”  

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An instructional pattern packet is available for this painting. 

Letting go, Letting God

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This afternoon while hastily running errands I thought my brain was on fire.  “Do this, next do that…. yada yada yada”.  All because I slept in, which I can legitimately blame on trying to beat this cold I feel coming on.  But I digress…   I had just received some good news “I’m doing it, I’m doing it… my life is getting better, my life is getting easier”…  I was saying to myself with a smile on my face.  It is always a powerful feeling when you realize your hard work is paying off.    

If you follow my blog you know that last Winter I was hospitalized for severe depression.  This was my 4th and by far the worst bout with such.   With the help of my doctors,  (therapists) my family and friends I have climbed out of that hole.  These days I would say I’m not only out of the hole but resting a foot or two away from the edge… progress!   How quickly things can change, however, if I am not vigilant on taking care of myself.  

At my most vulnerable, I met others who, too, were at their most vulnerable, all of us were fighting our demons.  I chose to write about this then and share this information with others in hopes that my experiences, my words could help other (even just one) other person know, they are not alone with their struggles.  We are never alone.     I met some people then whom a handful (few) I call “friends” today.  These are people whom I need not explain a thing, they understand me, they do not try to fix me nor judge me or my actions, I return the same respect to them.   It’s a very deep connection on one level and shallow on another.  These are the friends in my life who I have shared the most intimate details with, and yet I see them rarely, know not their everyday lives, so in that regard, it can, from the outside, appear shallow.     I shake my head as I think of the irony, it is not those who I am around day in, day out, those closest to me that know me or understand me best, but these people who know my darkest corners, have shared my darkest hours.  I am grateful for these people.  I am grateful for this handful of souls who I feel love me as I am, and love me when I can’t seem to muster up love for myself.  More ironic yet, the faces of these souls were the same faces that I judged before.  I did not understand nor “like” the relationship the addict I was with (who was trying to get clean) had with others in recovery.  After all, I was their wife, their girlfriend, their fiancée, why did they need anyone else?    Shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  Just who the hell did I think I was??   What a mess I was!   Today I look at these relationships much differently.  Today I value their friendship, I understand they have pain (do not profess to understand it, but acknowledge and validate it), and I do not judge but try to offer a warm hand, ear when I can, and they, me.    I cannot fix them, nor they, me.   This, my friends, bakes up to be one very honest cookie sheet! 

While waiting for the red light to turn green, and accompanying Adele with her hit “Someone like you” I felt excited about the good news I had gotten and grateful that I recognized my life changing for the better.  Happy, a bit nervous as I am always afraid of being “cocky”, looking out for good old karma,…out the corner of my eye I see a guy who had been inpatient at the same time as I was.   My heart stopped and I seriously had a hard swallow at what was in front of me.    Relapse, back stroking, I don’t know and its not for me to know the details or judge, all I saw was “one of my own” back in the throws of the disease of addiction.   How quickly tears can flow down a face that in the last millisecond had a smile.   

Though not a “friend” we were hospitalized on the same floor.   As fate would have it this would be my third hospitalization on a detox floor, as there was no more beds in the psych ward that a person with my mental challenges would be.   I know not why this happened, I know better than to ask, as I believe everything happens for a reason.   I do know that from these experiences I am no longer so quick to judge another harshly about their addiction(s).   I saw things that I never want to see or experience again.  If you had ever seen the movie “Ghost”, when the murderers at the end die, and the souls of their victims cry out through them, this is how I would describe addiction.   It’s a body snatcher.   The exterior looks like the person you love, and at times you see moments, flickers of who you love, but the progression of the disease, they are being increasingly ruled by an entity outside of themselves.  I personally believe it to be miraculous when one gets and stays clean.  Not without a lot of work on self, discipline, vigilance, not without devine help one gets clean.  Recovery isn’t a green card that says pass go.   In order to keep your recovery you have to continue with the very same actions that helped get you clean.   Ask me why I gained back most of my weight after losing a back street boy?  Because I didn’t follow through and continue the actions that got me there, I went back to my old ways, the very actions that deemed me overweight to begin with.    Definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results .  This insidious disease wants souls, try to escape its hold, it clenches down, harder. 

I had been witness to this self professed alcoholics detoxification.   Night tremors, seizures, loss of control of bodily functions, he fought his way through hell to get clean.  He was brought to the local hospital a couple of times, was returned to the ward to continue with his detox.  When we asked if he would be alright we were told “We don’t know”.  He remained on premises for another month in out patient and then was transferred to another facility for follow up care.   It is no small feat for an alcoholic or drug addict to get clean.   It isn’t about their “will” as I had once thought and judged.  Perhaps why I was hospitalized with those I had judged prior?   I don’t think that anyone sets out to be an addict, who the hell would want that for themselves?  And who the hell would pick up the same behavior after going through so much to get out of it????????  Alcoholism, addiction is no laughing matter, not even in the least.  As a person who has survived by finding humor in mostly everything, I find no humor in alcoholism or addiction.     None at all. 

To get healthy I had to make choices to get and keep my own self healthy.  He was not one of the few (handful) I kept in touch with.  But that doesn’t mean I was not devastated at his relapse .I may not call him a friend, but he is a brother in flesh, a brother with an atrocious demon.    As I sat at the red light watching him make his way up the street, flashbacks surfaced from almost two years ago.   When detoxing  he was put on a plethora of drugs which made him groggy, look and act drunk or drugged,   Alongside of this the evidence of his emotional pain shown on his face.  How did he get to this point?  How did the little boy that his parents and grand parents loved and adored, doted on, grow up to be like this????   And how could they deny what had become of him????   Haunting, ridiculously sad, tragic. 

My first instinct was to pull over and talk to him, but that was brief.  In order to hold onto my own recovery I knew I could not help him, at least without harming myself.  Involving myself in his life at this juncture was not good for me.    I have often wondered and yes, judged others as to how they could turn a blinds eye to others in obvious peril.  At times I still do, but I now also know where it can constitute taking care of your own body, soul.     I said to my therapist a few weeks back “I feel like I’ve hardened”.  She said “No, Donna, you haven’t hardened, you are learning self preservation, you are learning how to take care of yourself”.   I am grateful I knew better than to involve myself, but I also wanted to help so I did the one thing that I know I can do, and what I believe is huge, and that was, I prayed for him.   I prayed for God to look after him, for him to get the help he needs, to hopefully get clean, once and for all.    Now that isn’t a small prayer.   I prayed for God’s will for him to be done.   I know not what God’s will for him is, nor am I supposed to know.  I practiced “Let go, Let God” and I will continue to pray for him.

As I drove away, trying to compose myself and the stomach which I felt coming up through my throat, I swallowed my tears and thanked God once again for today    Though very sad for him, it ironically made the good news I had gotten earlier, even bigger.     Seeing someone fall isn’t easy, seeing someone self destruct is hell, I have seen both, and I have practiced both, fortunately for me, for whatever reason, I am still in recovery, and I am making progress.  While not perfect, and with still a bundle and backpack full of problems, my life is getting better, my life is getting easier.   It’s about my perspective.   Today’s gift is perspective.   

It’s not for me to know or judge another.  I dislike it when others feel they know what is best for, or judge me.  What has changed is that I no longer empower their thoughts with anger.  I smile, collect my thoughts, find humor in the irony of judgment and continue down the path that I’m being guided to.   I know not what is best for another, I know not what God has in store for another, and if I’m living my life right, I do not have time to think I do….  I’m here, keeping my own side of the road clean, cleaning up my messes, trying to learn from my errs…The only one I can change is me.  The only one I can fix is me.  As a recipient of such, I also understand that the significance of prayer should never be described as “just”.  Prayer is everything, everything.  The Serenity Prayer?  My favorite.♥

 

 

Aside

This blog is based purely on thoughts, feelings, emotions…reflections

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Seventeen years ago tonight I had an extraordinary experience that shifted the course of my life.  It is said, when you die your life flashes before your eyes, I know this to be true.  33 years of life experiences (many of which I wouldn’t give a second thought to) appeared and departed with a nimbleness I could never believably describe. Tears that were shed, bruises and scars that were hidden below flesh and bone, kind gestures, smiles and more disclosed its relevance. My life, my purpose was playing out like a movie script, each clip taking with it the heaviness that had once filled my chest until my soul was free. A peacefulness, acceptance blanketed over me, weightless, knowing. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

What happened that night? Roll your eyes if you must, I am hesitant to share because I never want my memory, my experience tainted. In an interview 30 years ago, Bob Dylan warned of sharing your visions, your inert knowledge with others as they will not only discourage you but also squash what you are being guided, lead to. How easily we allow others to influence us to dark shadows.

Seventeen years ago tonight a very kind, generous, caring, intelligent man came into my life. He would be the first man ever to caress my face, my hair. He would be the first man I ever allowed to look me in the eyes. No match to God, the energy that exuded from his hands was, however, positive. So there we were, two naked souls fully dressed. If I never saw him again, it wouldn’t have altered the depth of this experience. I repeat “If I never saw him again, it wouldn’t have altered the depth of this experience”. With absence of sexual play, the truth fell into the innocence of broken, busted souls. Hope… there is nothing quite like hope.

We spent many wonderful years together. We enjoyed each others company, laughed hardily, nurtured each other. No person can fill or complete another, two “halves” don’t make a whole, two wholes do.

I wish I could tell you that we lived happily ever after, that we grew old together but that wasn’t the case. I wish I could tell you that he is alive, well, and full of life. I wish, I wish, I wish. If only he would’ve placed those warm nurturing hands on himself.

Everyday I think of him. Everyday I miss him. The sadness of reality catches me off guard at times. I still sometimes shed tears, though the majority of the time now, I smile when I think of him. I can still see those big beautiful blue eyes looking back at mine, at times I feel his presence. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that powerful spiritual experience that taught me. As I cuddle up next to the fireplace, feeling the warm penetrating heat soothe my tired body, I think back on that night 17 years ago, I smile. I laugh at his antics, I smile at the memories, and I remind myself… Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason………………

17 years ago ….

A fire, a reading, and breathing…

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Driving up in the hills of Vermont today to a friends house to get a psychic reading I found myself smiling and chillin with Dylan.  I LOVE the mountains, I LOVE driving on back dirt roads where you see large old farm houses and open land, as  for me my spirit within soars.

I haven’t had a reading in years, probably 4.  It’s something that I just do not do anymore.  Anytime I have had a reading the psychic has said to me “There isn’t much I can tell you that you do not already know yourself”… they pick up on my strong intuitive side or the sixth sense that I do not advertise nor hone.

Today I was the third person to get a reading and I was extremely nervous.  I have never been nervous at a reading.  I was anxious, extremely anxious to the point where I had thought, perhaps I should not do this.  Yet the minute I sat down and told her I was nervous, and recalled the last reading she did for me, I calmed down and thought, okay, this is going to be okay.   Perhaps I was afraid that she would tell me my cancer was going to come back?   Perhaps I was going to hear that someone else I love is going to die?  Nah…. this woman doesn’t do that, not really.  She reads from the cards that you shuffle and pull out of the deck, and interestingly enough, they always seem to be so on target.  I do not go there to find out about what tomorrow will bring, I go there to see if she’ll share the winning megabucks numbers! ha!  I go there because this woman has unbelievable healing energy, and I really liked that about her last time.  She shared with me some insight that really helped me with some decision making I had to make.  We aren’t talking Do this or Do that… it is her energy, it is that I feel like I have met her somewhere before, and I feel safe with her, as if she is a guide.  Now, if she told me to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge I would not do so… I am talking on a spiritual level.

She told me my cards were very interesting and she smiled at them.  The Empress, and another that were very feminine and prosperous.   She again and also shared with me how intuitive I am, and that I am spiritually wealthy, extremely wealthy.   I also had the luckiest card in the deck…. Does that mean I am going to get lucky??? hmmmm.   She pointed to three cards placed together and spoke of poverty and I laughed…. oh yah, that’s me… but isn’t that true for most artists?  But the key here being… “you have given into it Donna, you are not practicing or seeking abundance, only in spirituality”.    Well that explains why I am spiritually wealthy, eh? lol  Also within these three  cards were loneliness and isolation.  Not allowing other people into my heart, or my life, particularly men.  The tears started to fall.   I have known true and passionate love.  I miss that.   I have been very lonely, but I am not willing to settle for mediocre.  I dabbled in that for a few months last year and I also paid a severe price for it.   Sadly I thought that it was my “last chance” at love.  Now I shiver when I think of that.   Everything we do, all the choices we make come with consequences both good and bad… but I believe they all come with lessons if we choose to look at them.   I know loneliness and I also know what it feels like to be lonely in a relationship… my choice over the two would be the first. 

I was pleased with my reading which ended with some Reiki at the end.  We discussed areas of potential growth, ways in which I could start to draw abundance on more levels.  We discussed the importance of breathing lol!  When I am upset I forget to breathe, I hold my breath… this is NOT a good thing.   She told me the importance of loving my chest, my new breasts, of accepting myself as I am, as I had told her of my cancer.  I believe that was why she did Reiki on me, and I was grateful.   I walked away feeling validated with the work I am doing on myself, the direction in which I am headed and the areas in which I believed I needed work in.  Of most importance to me was to ask about those whom I have loved and have passed on, and I was not disappointed in what I heard there either.

It was a nice afternoon deep out in the woods of Vermont, reminiscent of a picnic I had a few weeks ago that really made me smile.  It’s nice to smile, it’s nice to open up and allow people in, it’s nice not to isolate so much from others and to have lunch with a group of women that I really adore.   After all, I did draw the Empress card! lol  I need to allow more laughter into my life, more silliness, comedy, and just stay in today…. it is when I am happiest!