Tag Archives: sorrow

LLLLLong Winter

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This has been the longest winter in my life’s time, challenging on too many levels.   BE POSITIVE DONNA!    “Okay, I am positive this has been the longest and most challenging winter in my life’s time!”

I finally sat down to paint last night.   First time this year.  I have a custom I need to get done, and I’m looking forward to doing it, it will be a challenge, but one that reconnects me to my childhood and a childhood friend.   So I need to get my hands in shape so that they cooperate!  I have the drawing done… so I’m 1/4 way there!

I’m thinking about turning my humble abode into a wildlife preserve.  I live in Vermont, this year it will be 30 years in my home. I had a problem with squirrels only one winter season in all those years, and were “taken care of” with rat traps.  Last year I had them in my tiny shed, which is actually a kids playhouse that my mom bought me, a friend of hers had it for his daughter, it’s the cutest building, apparently cute to squirrels too.  They moved in and took over.  My mom and I cleaned them out of there twice, and it was all day projects.  They are awful! Now they are in my basement.

Last year also was the first year I had a problem with mice.   One day we caught 16!   They sure are cute little creatures, but man are they destructive and I swear they poop once a minute!    Mice crap everywhere!    If I had $1 for every poop I cleaned up, I would be vacationing right now! So if you want to invest in something, why not bleach? I’m bleaching my house to rid of all the diseases those things spread.

I have been doing all I know to do, and researching what else I can do to get rid of both, and on limited budget. I make headway, but you have to be vigilant, vacuuming daily, trapping, daily. The smart person would ask “Where are they coming in?” Well they are coming in from right under my front door, which has a small porch. I can’t get underneath it yet because it’s all frozen, and snow covered. I’ve been sealing where I have found cracks in my foundation both inside and out, I have an old house, but still the bastards find their way in. It’s maddening. And then, like I didn’t already have enough to do, I had a flood in my cellar, and my sump pump died.   I foolishly gave my brother my pellet stove when he was in need a couple years ago.    It would’ve helped with the humidity and moisture down there, and now, mold!   I’m taking longer to process things, I think about it before I offer it up.   Big heart, no brains becoming good heart, big brains!  Good news though, it took a good month for all the aches and pains to go away but that month is up!!!

Then I realized I had an infestation of moths which came into my home in a wool blanket that was given to me to use to felt and make pretties out of.  I lost four wool rugs upstairs   They started in a room that I barely go into, and then into my bedroom.    They aren’t the big moths, but small, maybe 1/2″ or smaller.   I am still in the process of getting rid of them. A friend helped get the rugs out, but there are stragglers and on the first floor (with three wool rugs and an investment of wool yarn). So at the moment my freezer is full of yarn. Oh, let me back up a minute; My refrigerator works and then doesn’t, it’s done this for a couple years. It’s old, hell it’s not as old as I feel! But if I play with the plug, it comes back on. I had been away for a couple days and it had stopped running. Everything in my freezer was unthawed. So that’s okay, because it’s a safe place for some of my yarn! Then the yarn for some reason was pushing the door open (um, it’s stuffed, full and my 3 season porch has the remains of my wool and coats, it’s out in the freezing cold so it will kill the larva.

When I took my mom to the emergency room, the doctor asked if she had a DNR. He asked if she would like to be resuscitated should some unfortunate incident occur. Her answer? YES! I looked at the doctor and said “Apparently I’m the only one in this room who wants a DNR”. He asked “are you sick?” I said “No!” The rest of the night he was looking at me strangely. That’s okay, I get that a lot! Oh well.

So tomorrow I’m thinking about offering the squirrels a thanksgiving feast of peanut butter and some more decon!

There’s been a slew of other things going on, that i will spare you from hearing. Your welcome! And then my mother dying. It’s been a horrible winter. I can’t even say I’m looking forward to Spring and summer because I’ve been overeating and gained weight. So I need to put on my big girl pants and start walking.  WHEN the ice leaves!

In the overall scheme of things, I’m sure I have it good. But I’m tired to my bones, and my bones hurt from the cold. Enough whining.  Glad wildlife is having sex in my house and multiplying.   At least SOMETHING is getting a little!!!    %#$@#3

Tomorrow I have a day trip planned with a friend. It will be healing, unless the car blows up! ha!

Hope your winter has been better than mine! Looking for a house in VT really cheap?   And now I have a HOT Saturday night date with my pillow!

 

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Keep walking forward

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As typical of having been on vacation, I came home to a to do list longer than my arm.   Included in this was standing up for myself in a couple forums.  One with someone close to me, who is aging, and not a force to be reckoned with, another being the car rental place who tried charging me $179 more than what was contracted for.      I’m a passive person by nature.  I hate confrontation, but I’ve learned that in order to be in business for myself, and in order to take care of myself, I have to learn to do so.

Prayed the whole time I was handling both situations.    The first one was hardest, telling someone what they are saying is false, untrue,  no matter how strongly they rebelled against it.  And keeping my cool when I was being accused of something that I didn’t do, or would never do!   I think we were both shocked at how I handled the situation.  While I will lose some money in the deal, it is nothing compared to what could have been lost, had I not stood up for myself.  I will recover from this.     And I took NO satisfaction in having to tell someone I care about that what they believe to be true, was in fact, untrue.  But I did it.

Alongside that is the realization and reality that they are losing ground.   It’s easy to take others for granted, I mean, we do that to live.   We assume when we leave our yards, that all drivers we come in contact with are sober, able, and alert.    We have to drive defensively, and consciously, but we can’t leave our yard on a daily basis and think about the possible dangers of accidents, and sadly, more recently terrorists.

I was cleaning my studio and heard gun shots.   Now, I’ve lived around guns my entire life.   In past I wouldn’t think even twice about it, but not anymore.  I stop what I am doing and listen.   Say a prayer, and then try to move beyond what could be disastrous fear.    We have to have faith that we will go do our errands, go enjoy our vacation, if we are fortunate enough to have that opportunity, and know we will be home afterwards, tired, cranky, but alive and well.

I have heard some very painful, painful stories this past few days.  People that I know and care about are hurting, some with physical pain which in itself is a life changer, and some experiencing tremendous loss.  It’s always unfortunate when someone passes around the holidays.  The holidays are tough enough for most of us anyway.    And November has bee notoriously a very difficult month for me.  No matter what I focus on, and plan to counter the anniversaries of some very painful life changing events, it still comes up to smack me across my face, and try its best to rip my heart out through my throat.        I know this too shall pass.   It does.   But not without feeling it first.  I know I have no choice but to keep walking.   I think it was Churchill who said, and I quote “When in hell KEEP WALKING!”     Exactly.  Because we give in to the challenges, we stay right there in hell.     But sometimes it’s hard to forge ahead, and in the direction of where we need to go.    Sometimes the best part of a day is knowing you survived it.  It’s just a fact.

I have numerous things going on in my life, mostly all good, but not without stress.   The November crap hit me yesterday, and while it’s only Tuesday, I feel like it should be NEXT Friday!

The holidays are soon approaching.  Time to practice more patience with others, time to go the extra mile to help a neighbor, family member or friend.  Time to make time for someone who needs a hug, or a smile.    Time to let people you know how much you appreciate them, and even though we naturally take things for granted, many of us will experience difficulties that will remind us of how we do just that.

Here’s hoping your day is good, your life is going in the direction you want it to, and that you have a warm, comfortable bed to retire in tonight.     The older I get the more I come in touch with the fact that life really is about the little things, not the grandiose plans or dreams.  It’s about putting one foot in front of the other regardless of the terrain, and doing our very best on days when we know we aren’t feeling our best.    It’s just a fact of life.    My father used to tell us “to pull ourselves up by our boot straps!”      “You’re the only one who can do it for yourself”.     Today I can say, gratefully, that I did what needed to be done today, and while it wasn’t all pleasant, I did great.   Hope you did, too!

 

Reviewing processes

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The past few weeks I’ve been reflecting and dissecting what I would like to do with the rest of my life.  What do I like?  What don’t I like?  What are my dreams?  Are they feasible?  What are my needs?   I’ve also been writing up a business plan for myself, which in itself has been a very interesting journey.  I’ve changed it three times.

I’ve also participated for two days (another four to go) in an art challenge to post pics of my art on my facebook page for six days.  This, too, has been an interesting process.   I’m reviewing photos that I have, which aren’t exactly organized like someone dominantly left brained would do, but I’m only 25% there, so I’m giving myself a break!

4-5 years ago my life came to a crashing halt.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to paint, write, and was incapable of making any decisions for myself.   Fortunately my strong mother jumped in and helped, and after hospitalization for two weeks, I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression.  This was not the first time, but the fourth.  I must say to you, it’s been hell trying to come back from it.

Why do I mention such a personal thing?  Because I’m an idiot!   🙂   Most people do not confess such, because of the stigma attached to mental illness.  I want others to know who are suffering with such, it’s okay, you’re not a freak, you aren’t crazy, you are sick, and encourage you to get help.  For me it meant some serious psychological drugs, many therapy sessions, a lot of writing, a lot more of praying.  It is still a monkey on my back, but I am learning, everyday to replace the negative talk in my head.  Some days I’m successful with this, some days not.

Back to the art challenge, as I’m surfing through pages of photos of my artwork, which also have pics of other aspects of my life, love, marriage, breast cancer, family, friends, pets, artwork, gardens, etc… I must say, I feel good about things that I have accomplished in my life.  In spite of the crap that came rolling into it, I’m still standing, and there are days, still, too many, that it’s very hard for me to get out of bed and face the day.   But it was nice to see things I’ve done, the magazines my artwork and needlecraft designs were in, interviews with me as a visual artist, and a fiber artist.  I even had artwork on the cover of magazines I think twice.  How quickly these accomplishments fall by the way side when you’re looking at it through the dark eyes of depression.

So, I’m feeling a bit chipper tonight, painted a little bit today.  Plan to spend a few hours tomorrow doing the same.   We are supposedly having an arctic cold blast this weekend.  I’ve stocked up on the necessities, my mom is here visiting for the weekend.  If I don’t kill her, by the time Monday comes around I should be in good shape! 🙂

The message today is… Hang on.   Hang strong.   Celebrate the good days, and do all you can to survive the bad.   It may be worth your while to dive into some pictures yourself.

Sending you peace and love

 

 

 

Doing the right thing…

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Six months ago I adopted/rescued an 18 month old German Shepherd by the name of Sophie.   She is as sweet as can be, loves the other animals, great with my niece and her best friend (Age 10).   The first two months I had her a girlfriend gave me two bags of food, Royal Canin, which cost $50-$60.  I got her weight up, as you could see her ribs.   I managed to get her ears straightened out with drops, bag balm, and her fur was growing back nicely (She was missing 2/3  of her fur).    I kept her on the good food for another 2 months, but could not afford the expense this past month.   In this month she has taken a few steps back, skin wise.  I’m so upset about it.   She scratches and bites herself, I took care of this with Epsom salts, it helped the scratching.  Benadryl did nothing for this.  She has dry flaky skin and her fur is coming out by handfuls.

I have all rescue animals, 3 cats and 2 dogs.  Every single woman needs five animals, don’t you think?  NOT!   I have all I can do to feed myself let alone all the animals, but trust me, they live well.   I do take very good care of them and they are all spoiled, shocker eh?   I have been chatting with a friend who has a german shepherd, she works with gsd rescue.   The first few weeks I had her was challenging, house training her, getting her body weight up, the itching to cease.  I made it through some major hurdles with her, with the support of this friend and others.   Now I’ve come to the realization that she would be better off in a home where she will get the best medical care.  To say I’m sad is an understatement.

I have strong moments when I feel like I can do this, other times not at all.   Last week I had decided I was keeping her, would figure out a way, came home and she had peed and crapped in the house.    I actually scolded her but laughed… Oh sure… do this AFTER I decide to keep you!  That was not a deal breaker.   She has wormed her way into my heart, and my terriers heart.  While a major pain in the ass at times, now in the terrible 2’s, I feel like someone has placed a bag of cement on my chest.   I don’t want to give her up.   I just don’t.   I have to do the right thing and place her with a family that will and have the means to take care of her.   It’s the right thing to do.  So why does it feel so wrong?  The worst and most painful thing in this situation is her sadness.  Intelligent, intuitive, she senses this.   She looks at me with sad eyes, and rests now always near me.   I feel like I am abandoning her, and as a person who struggles with abandonment issues, this pains me.

All of my cats are geriatric, one failing rapidly.   It is hard watching her health fail, though she is as happy as ever, as mischievous as ever.  As long as her quality of life is there, I will do my best with her.  I do not believe in letting animals suffer.  Not at all.   This belief is the impetus in making the decision to place Sophie elsewhere.

Send me good energy, thoughts, say some prayers for me, please.  I’m going to need all to muster up the strength to do this.