Tag Archives: single

And so this is Christmas… and what have we done?

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src=”https://donnascullyblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/house-015.jpg?w=225″ alt=”My favorite Santa I painted” width=”225″ height=”300″ class=”alignnone size-medium wp-image-6006″ />Darlene's last ChristmasTwas the night before christmas....Santa on old Ironing BoardMy sister Darlene.... with our nephewsSiblings. Doug, Karla & DarSense of humor still in tactJim & BrodyMy sister Karen...

Home from a gig... he's so happy to see his momma

Home from a gig… he’s so happy to see his momma

many many moons ago

many many moons ago

Jim...My sister Darlene

Another year older, and new year just begun… Hopefully next year I will learn how to arrange pictures.

Not sure whether I should be writing this blog, I suppose it will help me, and I don’t have to publish or delete it. 

Christmas, I feel so alone.  I am alone.   I was doing very well Christmas Eve, then again, after I did what minimally needed to be done I slept.  I just called my oldest friend, swore I wasn’t going to cry, but I failed.   I think I’m being a baby, and I need to pull myself together.

I have stayed away from pictures of happier Christmas’s because I have enough in my mind but I finally gave in, and I feel so much better since doing so.   I can close my eyes and vividly picture those that I have loved and lost.   I remember a time when there was someone to kiss me goodnight and hug me good morning…  I remember a time when my family would get together and we would open and share gifts.  That hasn’t happened in a long time.   My father says he can’t afford it, he does do for his grandchildren and great grandchildren which is wonderful.  My mother is financially challenged and hasn’t really celebrated the holidays in decades.   My brother will probably call me today and see if I want to come over, maybe not.  Christmas used to be such a fun and happy time.    Gifts are fun, don’t get me wrong, it isn’t the gifts, it’s the love, the gathering of family, the sharing of memories, the excitement of someone opening the gift you got them and they were so happy.   Of course I miss opening a present and being surprised and happy with what someone got me and of course, I would be lying if I didn’t say… receiving.     I am alone. For those who know my history with depression, this is not a cry for help, nor is this a cry for pity….this is my thoughts, my feelings at this very moment.

I pray for others, less fortunate, and truly there are many, who are in dire straights, who are in the hospital, whose child are in Iraq, those whom have lost a loved one, particularly new, but then again, I’m not sure that really matters.   I’m crying tonight over loved ones I lost a decade ago, or 4 years ago, or this being the first Christmas in 14 years that I don’t have my Brody boy.   Perhaps crying is a good thing, perhaps in some strange sort of way, mourning and missing them makes them present.  The tears will eventually help me to sleep, and perhaps wash the face that I should take a hot wash cloth to.

Holidays alone are hard.   I didn’t expect this.  This certainly isn’t the first holiday I have been alone.   A message from my sister on her death bed, she was afraid I would end up alone, end up like my mother echo through my head, I take a deep breath and let the pain flow out through out in exhale.  My mother, she is a good person.  She is an intelligent person, she is a funny person.   When my parents divorced, which was not just between them but a third person as well which always makes things more painful, my mother hasn’t really celebrated the holidays since.  It has been 3 decades.   Christmas’s with my dad went by the wayside years ago.   The best of holidays were with my sister, my Jim.   We were “staples” in each others lives.   Not having them hurts to my core, to my core.

I know I will survive this, Lord this is nothing when I think of others who are alone for the same reason, or worse.  This is just a hard day, and it will pass, I will get beyond this and ultimately will become stronger.  What I hope I do not become is cold, or uncaring.  You know those people you meet who are just miserable?  They grunt when you talk to them, their eyes offer no spark or shine, they look off into the deep yonder and you think “What the hell happened to this person?”    Is that how my sister thought I would end up?  Is that how I am?  Good God I hope not.  I truly hope not.  

I am alone by choice.  I am alone not just because I have lost those closest to me, but because I will not open my heart to try again.  Self preservation, is that a bad thing?   If the right person were to come around I would hope I would open my heart.   I was also alone Christmas Eve because I didn’t go to either invitation I had for dinner.  I really wanted to, but with the funk I was in and the messed up sleep pattern that has presented itself in my life, I woke up just minutes before I was to meet them.    I remind myself, I am alone by choice.

If I post this blog I will feel naked, exposed.   Will I do so?   Then again I have shared so much, so many details of my life, my challenges, struggles because I want others to know who I am and what I stand or stood for in my life, and on top of that list is to help others.  If my words can help one other person going through similar, then what is happening to me is not in vain.    Perhaps someone reading this will know they are not alone in their sadness, their loneliness.    I can’t imagine any of these words encouraging or cheery, but you never know.

I wish you all a very MERRY Christmas.   May you breath in and hold deep in your heart the Christmas spirit.  May you enjoy good health, surrounded with loved ones, and for those of you alone, may you find some peace, some happiness in the memories of Christmas past.  May you know you are loved, thought of, and cared for, even if right now you don’t feel that.   This holiday will soon pass.   If your pain is immense, perhaps escaping to sleep will help ease the pain.  Wherever you are, whatever you are doing or who you are with or not, Merry Christmas.  A very merry Christmas.

xo

Christmas’s with my nephews every year when they were little, precious precious times for me.   I rarely see them now.  Of course they are grown and have their own lives, and thankfully are healthy and doing well.

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A handsome guy, a picnic… and a smile

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Dating in your late 40’s can be interesting, not to mention 2010.  I have had some experiences that would curl your hair and may in fact make you look at your husband/partner as King! ha.

Last weekend, however I had a wonderful experience.  I had a date with this very handsome man who romantically took me on a picnic.  He not only planned the whole thing but scoped out the perfect place for such.  He brought blankets, delicious healthy food, wine, and a personality that was not only delightful but also… enchanting.

We both shared on our lives, we laughed, we kissed (he passed with flying colors there)… and he genuinely seemed interested in who I am, my thoughts, my feelings, and more.  When he asked pointed questions he looked into my eyes, he did not look away, he did not prod nor push but in a very kind, gentle manner sit quietly, patiently watching me, touching me, curious about me, as I him.   This is intimacy.  This is standing naked fully clothed allowing someone to see you for who you are, allowing someone to get to know you, flaws and all.   I have struggled with this type of intimacy most of my life.  On this day I did not struggle with this.   It felt like I had always known him.  I felt safe with him.  I felt curious about him.  I wanted more.  I was able to be myself, to open up my heart, to let go of my yesterdays and tomorrows and just be one in the moment with him, and it was incredible.  I felt a connection to him, to the opposite sex that I had not felt in years.

Our picnic lasted for about five hours.  Sitting in a field overlooking some picturesque mountains and farms in Shelburne Falls, MA.  The weather worked in harmony with the orchestra…. (was there music?… smiles).  It was an absolutely wonderful and unexpected surprise.  How nice to know there are single men out there who appreciate women and know how to treat them.  How encouraging and heartwarming it is to know that romance is still a possibility in my life… how absolutely chilling it was to be touched again, to have my hair caressed, my face touched, to be kissed passionately again.

Following this, while holding hands and sucking on chocolate tootsie roll pops, we took a beautiful walk in the woods to a wildlife sanctuary where all  you could hear were the sounds of the birds, the pitter patter of our feet, and an occasional squirrel or chipmunk rummaging in fallen leaves.

If this sounds too good to be true, it was!   This guy HAS to be a crossdresser or something! smiles.  At any rate, I wanted to share that chivalry IS alive and well… the lingering smile on my face is proof!