Tag Archives: serenity

Saturday night

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It’s Saturday night.  I’ve been painting since 2 today.   Was so enthralled I forgot to eat.  Believe me, that doesn’t happen a lot!  Anyway, the brush is still flowing, and I’m looking at the clock knowing, I need to keep to a schedule.   This is one of those nights I could paint until 2-4am.  I know it.

Grateful that I have the abilities that I do.  They keep me entertained.  I have three major (once hobbies) that I do, and while I love each and every one of them, I know my life would be easier if I just chose one, and stuck to it.  But that’s not me.  Of course it isn’t!   🙂

I heard the weather in New England today called “Balmy”, twice.  You don’t hear that too often either.  It was in the 60’s.  February, 60’s.   I didn’t touch foot outside all day.   Nor have I gone to look in my cellar at how much flooding is happening.   I’m in a good mood, want to keep it!

Listening to music, and thinking about the times in my life that these songs were new, and what was happening then.   Oh how I love music.  I am confident I would be a miserable being if I didn’t have it in my life.  It’s my muse.

Happy Saturday night!  Hope you’re doing well, and if not… hold strong.  I speak from experience, it’s always darkest before the dawn.

 

 

Alas, direction

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Tonight I am flying high.  No, not on sugar, though I do have it running in my veins, but because what seemed to be a very long, much anticipated and grueling time that I have been “in waiting” for direction has finally arrived.     And comically, or rather ironically, I really don’t know the logistics or to what is going to unveil itself to me, but I can tell you, when the spirit hit, a couple weeks ago, I forced myself to walk in faith.  To just keep doing what I believe I was “supposed” to do.

Like negative space in a drawing, painting, or room, waiting for direction is anything but comfortable (unless you are privy in past to “wait for it”).  But I’ve lived long enough to know in order to have peace we have to find comfort in the uncomfortable, and those things that come after the longest time, and that time feeling like purgatory (No, I’m not catholic, but my mother was raised in this religion, I also pay attention to those people that are the happiest, the most peaceful, serene, and I listen to what is beautiful in their life), so when a break comes, a ray of light, or hope really, it is so incredibly wonderful.

In youth I was quick to jump, to “find” whatever it was I thought I was supposed to experience.  Maturity has taught me, nothing worth having comes easy.  Nothing.  And if it looks too good to be true?  It probably is!

So tonight I have five paintings started.  A still life, floral (2), a rooster, and  for the life of me I can’t remember what the fifth one is.  All started this evening when I got home from a day that felt purposeful, important, helping others, others who weren’t practicing the kind of drama that belongs on a stage (or in a helium balloon that floats fastly and quickly away), but real life, illnesses, frustration, and just needing a fresh advocate come in and help.  It feels so good to me to help others.   My last therapist wrongfully suggested the reason why I help others is because I get “kudos”.  I looked straight at her, without hesitation and said “If you believe this to be true?  You have never given to another from the goodness or your heart, and RECEIVED the loving touch of God blessing you.  I feel it.  I don’t seek for permission, admiration, or for others to pump up a broken soul.  I am not broken, I am not in need of friends, and I am certainly not in need to be validated as worthy.  I learned from the age of 10 or so that to give is to receive.   It’s one of my most cherished gifts in life.  And to fully understand this, give without the other person, or recipients KNOW you are doing it, and tell nobody, not.a.soul!

Of course, as with anything, there are extremes, and there are takers out there that will rob your heart from the generosity that we’re meant to feel, to do, to be.   That’s where lives lessons kind of kick you in the teeth.   Oh how I know this place, and I have no desire to return there, but I will.   That old familiar feeling of caring or giving too much to another will shadow a day, or two, but I’ll jump back in and try it all over again.  Just not necessarily with the same person, but sometimes, YES, the same person.

So, I really need to get to bed, but I don’t want to put the brush down.  It’s flowing, and creativity is at my optimum.  It’s a wonderful, wonderful, place to be.  So grateful I struggled so long in purgatory!   Because even if I wake up tomorrow and the creativity has fizzled, tonight?  What I’m feeling tonight?  Was worth the wait.  Keep in mind, I don’t know what’s ahead of me, I don’t know ANY details, I was just given a direction.   It’s exciting that something I once thought was so insignificant can and does bring me so much joy!

 

May peace be with you, and may you bask in the glory of “knowing” which road or path to take.  Love to you!

Like sand through the hourglass

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The past couple weeks I’ve had to take a hiatus from working on my house, given that I lifted my mantle off the gas fireplace and wrenched my back.   So I have found myself sorting, tossing, and thus, revisiting my life with notebooks of writing, poems, boxes of pics, and more.  Where the hell did the last 54 years of my life go?

Further depth came after the tragedies in Orlando.   I will not even go here.  I will say that I have been and am praying for all those affected by such monstrosities.   I am saddened beyond words, of what has and is transpiring in this country, in this world.   I pray for ALL of us.

But I will admit, there is something more going on with me.   I don’t fully understand it, nor am I questioning it, but I am at peace with so much, even in spite of all that is going bad in this world.   I FEEL something coming.   I have random thoughts of what it may be, but I’m not going to go here either.  What I want to share is, I’m accepting myself for who I am, where I’ve been, and finding peace with all that I wanted to be, do, but probably never will.

While looking at pictures from my past, I feel the moment, I recall the times, the feelings, the good, the bad, and the beautiful.   I am aligning with who I am.   And while I want to lose 75 lbs, and more, I am finding peace even with that.  What if I don’t?  Do I want to spend another minute of what’s left of my life worrying about or condemning myself for NOT  BEING PERFECT?

It’s interesting, the story of my life told in pictures.   I have known great love.  I have known great pain.  I have accomplished a lot on my own, without formal education, and I have met SOOO many wonderful people in my life.   Many friends have come and gone, and that’s okay, it is just the ebb and flow of life.  Today, tonight, as I write this blog, I am right with all that has transpired in my life.   I have found peace, and for that I AM TRULY THANKFUL.  If my life ends tomorrow, I am okay with it, because this place where I am is amazing.

I am grateful I was there with my sisters through the illnesses that stripped them of life.  I am grateful that I spent almost a decade of my life with a man who shortly thereafter, drank himself to death.  I am grateful for this “fat” that encompasses my body, because it helps me feel protected from an uncertain world.    Feeling safe anywhere today, is a big thing.   But most importantly to me, I am thankful that I am a good, honest, hard working person who finds pleasure in the simplest of things, in nature.   I don’t spend my time wishing I was in a relationship, or with anyone else, I am happy with my life.   I have learned the most through every tragedy and laughed immensely through much.

In many ways, where I am right now reminds me of surviving and completion of treatment for breast cancer.  It was freeing.   I had (and still have) no room in my life for luxury drama, or bull shit.   It’s actually a little frightening how vocal I can be now regarding this.   The tiny filter that I once had is almost entirely invisible now.   The older I get, the freer I feel about speaking my truth.

Long gone are the days when I worried about someone liking me, or what they thought of me.   I’m right with myself, with God.   I’m right where I’m supposed to be, and it feels good.

I hope that you are finding peace in your life.  I hope you are, too, realizing how precious life is.   How every second of every day is not promised to anyone, and in the blink of an eye your life, and those lives around you, can be altered drastically.  Anyone hearing of the massacre in Orlando, can you help but think this?

Sending you love, light, and as I mentioned earlier, prayers for the world we live in.

 

Signs…..

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Ahhhh, internet.  I have been without internet for a while.   I’ve missed writing.  I’ve missed surfing the net for just about anything that I wanted to know.   It’s been a very long winter here in New England.    COLD!    I keep my thermostat at 50-52 degrees, use a duraflame heater I bought last Fall.  It’s supposed to cost .25c an hour.   We shall see.    This has been one, if not the hardest winter I recall.    So very grateful my girlfriend and I put plastic on my decrypted windows.    I snuggle on the couch crocheting (because the weight of whatever I’m working on adds warmth) wearing a scarf, hat, wrapped in blankets.   Sounds ridiculous it is what it is.  It’s been  a VERY long winter.   Oodles of snow, ice.   Just as I started to feel relief with daylight savings time, warmer weather, I am now facing roof leaks, and the snow that the beautiful sun is dissolving is seeping into my cellar.    I’m so friggan over winter.   GO AWAY!   Bring on the mud!   My driveway looks like an ice rink.  There is ice probably 4″ thick.    Joy, joy, oh joy.   Still, I have gratitude for having food, clothing, shelter.  Maslow was a smart man, eh?   I was feeling pretty sorry for myself until I learned that a friends house was destroyed by fire.   I guess I don’t have it too bad after all? Have been struggling emotionally, which isn’t abnormal but it’s been more severe of late.   Any New Englander would tell you that they are ready for Spring, I’m so not alone.   But this is deeper than cabin fever.      I’ve made some decisions that, if I follow through, will improve the quality of my life.   These days I find myself asking that question often.  “Will buying this (or that) improve the quality of my life?    Will this action bring me peace? serenity?   And if it doesn’t, I walk away.  I’m getting too old to be heading in the backwards direction! It came to me why I’m struggling so.   I know living in the past is fruitless and hijacks the present.  I’ve been working on changing that.   Though there are still things from my past that I cannot get past, I find it interesting how our subconscious mind “remembers”.     There is no escaping it, so I guess the answer for me is to do my best, acknowledge when these feelings, thoughts come up, and then try to detach from it, to not give it additional power.    I’m sure you would agree, much easier said than done! I’ve got Spotify blaring I the background.   Music, oh beloved music, I shudder to think what life would be like without it!  I have missed   My comfort, joy, muse…. I believe in signs.   I believe in messages from heaven (and probably some from hell!)  🙂   This evening my girlfriend treated me to dinner.  We went to one of my favorites, our favorites “Friendly’s”.   While enjoying both food and company I noticed a young couple come into the restaurant.   The girl was wearing a sweatshirt with “Wolfeboro” on it, with a moose embroidered underneath.    This was a definite sign for me.  A much needed and appreciated one.   Both serving significant meaning to me, and offering comfort through the difficult right now.   Thank you, D… Thank you!   I love you ! Are you open to messages and gifts from the “other side”?  I once would have cared whether you think I’m nuts or not, and now?   Now I don’t.     Progress!  Even if our beliefs differ, that doesn’t mean I don’t wish you love, as I do.   I wish you all goodness, peace.  I’m grateful to be at a place now where I recognize, we all have our individual journeys, lessons.  I’m grateful I have no desire to control another’s path, and I’m working on my critical judgment of others, and of myself.    I want to walk through the rest of my life with peace, hope and faith that I will be given what I need to become the person I want to be, am supposed to be.   I want to treat myself with the same love and respect I have for loved ones.   It’s time!

Karmic justice

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We’ve all been targeted by some unhealthy vindictive person for little if no real reason other than the fact that they need someone to beat on.     When this happened to be I realized, which I guess I always knew anyway, but it reiterated to me that evil does in fact, exist.

The best thing we can do is walk away, though our egos, pride want to strike back.  At least mine does.   I heard something twenty years ago that has stayed with me “The best revenge is no revenge”…to live a good life not missing a beat.   It’s hard sometimes to take the high road but I have learned that I will never “win” by giving up my peace of mind and I could never “win” at the level that these people exist.  It isn’t in me, and for that I am truly grateful.  To understand such hatred and vial actions is to be like that, or on the other end of their tight rope.

For someone to think that they are almighty powerful and important, ignoring them, not even looking at them, acknowledging their existence should be enough.    How dare you or I ignore this person?  This person in which evil resides?

I guess I’m writing this because I am reminding myself of my ego, my pride.     It hurts when someone tells lies about you, and particularly degrading ones.   I have learned however, that it always comes full circle.  Perhaps not in the time lot we want or think it should, but eventually the tracks of karma will be drawn over their face.

Recently the news with the capital punishment case where there was a malfunction caused a 45 minute “delay” for the bastard to die, and many said it wasn’t right.   I’m not going there but I will say that I don’t believe the answer is more suffering.    I’m not qualified to judge another (though I do).   My reply to others regarding this was this:   Was it done on purpose?  Did we (humans) who were responsible for taking the appropriate actions to end this mans life, did they take justice into their own hands?  The answer is No.   Not that I’ve heard anyway.   My fervent belief is that this was karmic justice.  God help me but in many ways I found this reassuring that the evil that preys around us will meet with the good, God will prevail.   How hard it is to remember that when under fire, however.

To harbor or hold resentment only hurts ourselves.   It keeps us from experiencing the good in life while stuck in our anger.   I forgive for me, not for any other.   I am not condoning another’s action, I am simply forgiving to set myself free from the anger, the crap that potentially has the power to consume me.    I don’t have to speak to that person again, I don’t have to even let them know I have forgiven, again, I forgive for me.

For the past 30 years of my life I have prayed for those who have harmed me.  I learned this in a 12 step program and reading every spiritual self help book I could get my hands on.   When I suggest to someone that they pray for those who have mistreated or harmed them, most look at me like I have three heads.   When I do this it reminds me that while I bolster an obvious opinion about this person and their wrongs, but it is not productive, healthy nor is it up to me to “pay them back”.   By praying for them it helps remind me of a higher power, and gets me to the forgiveness stage faster.  I pray for them because it helps ME!    The judgment and resentment harbored potentially have the same, if not more destruction, sabotaging our own lives.   Screw them!  Pray for them and let it go.  Just like this murderer whom had the misfortune of taking 45 very long minutes to die…  how can one not believe in karma?  Thus, the evil that comes around will eventually go around, in fact, it starts immediately if we take the high road, if we not offer this person one second of our lives.   The best revenge is no revenge but to live a good life!

I want to feel peaceful, serene.  I want to be an instrument of peace, not of evil.  Karma exists and I needn’t take action.     If I do it’s like taking the poison I want to give someone else, myself.  I’m only harming myself.

Evil does exist.   Karma does too!  If we are embarking on resentment, dig two graves!

 

 

Happy New Year!

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Shortly we, on the East Coast, will ring in 2014.   2013 has been a good year for me.   Every year brings an assortment of experiences, some that we deem good, some that we deem bad.   One commonality with both is that we have the opportunity to learn, to grow.  Some of the most difficult times of my life have brought much character growth.   Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we are never given more than we can handle, but we are continually given the opportunity to help others, thus becoming part of their healing, their coping.   I hope I will not pass on an opportunity to be compassionate with another, to offer a hand when one is needed, to bring a smile to not only my family and friends, but a stranger.

I have pondered at times, when loss, when difficulties have knocked on my door and tomorrow seemed impossible to hope for, let alone the next hour, that perhaps we are given our pain to teach another, to help another, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?  Is there any better feeling than knowing you have somehow helped another in need?  And better yet, to keep these things between yourself and God?

It isn’t about the possessions (okay, brushes, paint & canvas can be exempt here! ♥) but the love we bring to one another.    Priceless are the moments in time that we shall never forget, that fill our palette with the most beautiful colors, softening the gray.   The gift of youth, the innocence, the beauty, the joy….their little antics, and those of our furry children who bring to us unconditional love.  Wow.  Unconditional love.

2013 came with a gift for me to take better care of myself, to be kinder to myself.    I hope 2014 brings this to all of us.

I have no New Years Resolutions, I am on a constant journey of growth, of change.   I aspire to become the best person I can possibly be.   I’m very aware that this does not happen purely through joy, but through the difficult treks of life.   I aspire to not be so judgmental of others, including myself, but offer a tender smile and quiet moment to find patience, understanding.   To treat others the way I want to be treated, and to treat myself the way I do those I love.

Bringing in a New Year typically brings some anxiety with it for me.   The uncertainties, the unknowns, and what IS known.   But I remind myself that all we have, all any of us have is this moment right now.  Overrated are tomorrows plans when today, in its shine or unpolished existence, is a wonderful gift.   On the rare occasion I listen to my phone messages, I sometimes will not delete those from loved ones, remembering too well past ones long gone, in which I would love the opportunity to hear once more.   I remind myself, this is just hyper vigilance, for all I really need to do is go to a quiet loving place, and the voices, eyes and smiles of those I long for are right there.  Even if my heart is breaking, I can put my hand over my heart and know, there within they reside

Wishing you all, love, peace and a very happy, healthy, human New Year!      ♥♥♥

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Lord, make me a channel of thy peace! 

That where there is hatred, I may bring love

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness

That where there is discord, I may bring harmony

That where there is error, I may bring truth

That where there is doubt, I may bring faith

That where there is despair, I may bring hope

That where there are shadows, I may bring light

That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather

To comfort than to be comforted

To understand, than to be understood.

To love, than to be loved.

For

It is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Accept tents …… where does my peace reside?

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What constitutes friendship?  How do you define and filter people in your life?   Close friends, good friends, friends, acquaintance, pain in the ass but with a good heart?   Who are the people in your life who inspire you, or are aspiring to you?   Longevity wise, how far back does your oldest friend go?  

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship the past few days.   I’ve been thinking about how I haven’t felt “loved” as much as I used to, so I started to examine my friendships, what has changed?   Some are just enmeshed in their own lives, location can also be a factor, you just can’t pick up the phone and say “Hey, frozen custard?”   Or show up, unshowered, in your crap clothes wanting to connect with someone.   Life can be insanely busy.    I remember Jim’s Nana saying something one day, probably 15 years ago now, that “You young people don’t ever sit, you are always on the go, far too busy to just sit in quiet and enjoy your surroundings”.   Or something close to that.   

Age, maturity has taught me the difference between consciously sitting by oneself, quiet, taking in all that surrounds me, and laying on the couch, one sock on, one sock off, hair up in a ponytail affixed to the couch like a cushion.  I call the first “participating, being conscious”, I call the second relaxation, but as with anything, the pendulum swings both ways, the flip side of that becomes laziness, self loathing.

Have you ever thought about something you really like about a person?  Perhaps that they are fun, carefree, enjoyable to be with because of this?    I’d much prefer to hang with people like this than a human jack-in-the-box waiting to spring out of its skin.    Okay, let’s look at the black or white, the left or right of the pendulum….   Fun, carefree…. the extreme becomes irresponsibility, non committal.     We know that the art of life is to find balance.  Balance with our characteristics, our behavior, our relationships, our time….and so much more.   I have very good balance with some things in my life, and are severely off balance in others.  Add to that, sometimes what I am severely off balance in today was balanced for years, decades.  Ying, Yang. 

As a child, discipline teaches us right from wrong, acceptable and unacceptable.   The temper tantrums that I see children having in stores today, the parents who are “bargaining” with them to behave always amaze me.  There is NO WAY I would have acted that way in a store, not without consequences.   This is not to imply I think the earlier are poor parents.  I have never had children, I only married them, so who am I to say what is right or wrong, but I can surely appreciate the difference.

Acceptance, for me, is the key to serenity, to happiness, to peace.   If I am not peaceful, frolicking around in dissention, depression, sadness, then something in my life is out of balance.  This almost always proves, for me, to be something in my life that I have yet to accept.   As stated earlier, these can change, without our knowledge, unconscious things that have triggered something, something that instills negative.    Some things I have accepted years ago comes back around to chew a hole, deflate my peace.    Does this mean I really never accepted it in the first place?  Who knows, I don’t think so, and most importantly who cares?   I have spent so much time reverting to my past.   I believe that history repeats itself if you don’t recognize it.  I also know that I have lost valuable precious time living in the past.

Grief, grief sucks.   We are told that “time heals all wounds”.    I don’t really believe that.  I believe that time teaches us how to coexist with our wounds, our losses, but it doesn’t heal.    If healing is true with others, I think that is awesome, tell me how you accomplished this?  Tell me how much time it took to heal your broken heart?  Clearly my acceptance, my reaction to the loss of my kid sister is much more balanced now, years later, than when it first happened.    I share a lot about loss, because that is a weight I carry daily.   I have had a lot of loss.   I am trying to lighten the load, to cast the weights into the lagoon of the past and fly over the hills and trees of this difficult place, this vortex, and get beyond, to new, to acceptance.

I want to go back to my not feeling “loved” as much as I used to.   Ironically, after much deliberation, I realize, it has nothing to do with my family, friends (close, good, friends, et all) but how I feel about myself.   I am not happy with myself.   What is it I am not happy with?   Well, there is a list, not a very long list, but a list of things that I am upset with myself about, one or two which actually promote self loathing.  This can throw a wet blanket over my self worth, self esteem, self confidence.    I can pick up any self help book, I can go to therapy, but unless I am doing the work, it’s lost time.  Perhaps pieces of what I am learning today will help me a year or two down the road, but if I am not doing the work, if I am not consciously trying to correct, to find balance to whatever it is in my life that is causing me imbalance then I will never experience long term self worth, love, peace.

I tend to be a black or white thinker, to my detriment.   If I owe a bill that I cannot pay, I don’t pay it unless I have it all.   Um, this doesn’t work!   Or, unless I can achieve and correct whatever it is bothering me, quickly, then, I accept and roll in crap, a couple times, to reassure myself that this part of my life sucks and will always suck.  But that is an example of my thinking, my thinking that I am trying very hard to change.  As stated above, if there is something in my life that I having accepted, there will be no peace.

Throughout my life I tried to find happiness in many places.   Laughing as I think about Garth Brooks “I have friends in low places” even though that isn’t what I am referring to.   If I was feeling low, not liking myself, the attention of the opposite sex could and would make me feel better.  I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about approval, kudos from others.    This escalating when I was in a marriage with an emotionally unavailable husband…shopping, spending…  then this stopped working.    Thankfully as we age we mature, we learn and have learned, we have the knowledge to make better decisions, make better choices for ourselves.  Unfortunately this also comes with loss of bladder control, ability to read a newspaper unless you have on 2.75 readers, and a memory that resides in a colander! 

Bottom line, through all of this.   I have to be happy with myself.  If I am looking to others for approval, if I am looking outside of myself for the answer, for acceptance, for happiness, it will only be a temporary fix.   The only way to happiness is to choose it. 

I am grateful that this evening I am feeling much better about myself than I was this morning.  I gifted myself with a visit to a friend who has inspired me, encouraged me.  Someone I consider to be a good friend.

I feel like this blog has been all over the place, with little correlation or flow, though I hope not.   Remembering the words of my father the second time I went in-patient for depression.   “You just have to pull yourself up by your boot straps”.   I cried, and cried.  Why didn’t he understand that I was doing my best?   Did he think I haven’t tried?      Today I think about the extreme, the black of the white, the right or left of the pendulum   “I care, I don’t know how to help you, I can’t do this for you, I’m frustrated, please get better, I love you!”

We are designed to be perfectly imperfect.   My parents generation you didn’t “air your dirty laundry in public”, you just “keep going”.  The extreme of this is self preservation, perseverance.     

Is there someone you are reacting negatively to what they are saying?  Is it possible to look at the extreme, to see if there is perhaps a message there that the person is not able to convey via words?    And not to leave this for last purposely, because it exists in my every day life, breathing, exhaling, movement, thoughts…. my spirituality.   I just cannot live a full life or happy existence without God leading my way.   I cannot live a full life or happy existence if I am not accepting myself as I am today.   I don’t have to “like” something to accept it. 

Acceptance, for me, is the key to serenity, to happiness, to peace.   If I am not peaceful, frolicking around in dissention, depression, sadness, then something in my life is out of balance. 

The past few days as I rolled around in my crap, I was shown what it was I need to change about myself.  It will not be done overnight, it will be achieved by stepping in that direction, the direction in which happiness lies for me, a little amount, a bit everyday.  Some days will be sprints forward, others a step or two backwards, but I don’t have to look at it as negative, I can look at it that it is just giving me a running start… 

 

Highly Sensitive….

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It is almost 8:00am, I will soon be crawling into bed.  I have been helping out a friend once a week, watching her 92 year old mother while she catches some shut eye.    I usually spend the night working on business paperwork, last night I was too tired to focus on anything, so I spent the night reading some interesting articles online, and as always, pondering my life, choices, and where I am in my life.

From childhood on I have been told I am far too sensitive.   My parents didn’t know what to do with me, so they wouldn’t deal with me, or would keep things from me to avoid having to deal with my emotional outburst.   I’ve been told by siblings that they felt like they had to treat me with child gloves because I would get upset and cry, this of course was two nights before my sister died.   I did get upset and cried, I thought I had a true and honest relationship with my sister, I didn’t know she felt that way.   I have honestly felt like a misfit most of my life.  I see things differently than others.  I feel things deeper than others.  Not only are my emotions involved with this but also physically.  I have a high sensitivity to light, odors,  loud noises, and large crowds.  I am easily overwhelmed if there is to much information coming to me at the same time.  Chaotic situations have the potential to send me into isolation to recuperate, rejuvenate, recover.  I am not crazy, I am a highly sensitive person.  

As years have gone on and I’ve experienced many things in life, I have become not so emotional.  I have learned to keep much within myself, to also harden up to much.  I have felt things so deeply that it has been debilitating.  I have worked on this in therapy, group, self help.  I have grown in this department, I can detach from things now that I could not before.  I have the ability and tools now to walk away from situations that once consumed me.  Still, as others see this as a negative (perhaps because they are uncomfortable in dealing with this), there are positive things about being who I am.  The colors I see are more vivid, the joy is much more joyful, this is indicative of creative souls.  I do not want to lose that part of me altogether.  But how do I live in this world as a highly sensitive person?

Well, I googled information on this and surprise surprise there is a whole world out there for highly sensitive people (HSP).   We’ve also been named Emotional Empath’s.   I even took an online test last night to determine where on the scale I fell.

You Scored as Universal.   You are a Universal Empath, you possess all the qualities of the other seven empath groups. You are what is known as an “Implicate” or Imp, a product of evolutionary design and genetic mutation. You are a psychic hybrid. (from “The Book of Storms” by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/)

Healer
 
75%
Universal
 
75%
Precog
 
70%
Traveler
 
70%
Judge
 
70%
Fallen Angel
 
70%
Shaman
 
65%
Artist
 
65%

It means I’m not within normal range of my feelings, how I see life, or react to life.  Not a wonder that I feel like I do not belong, sometimes.

I have grown however in a few areas.  For one, I am no longer hurt that I’m told “how sensitive I am” in a negative manner.  Now I recognize that I get angry.  Can you help who you are?   To be criticized for this really pisses me off.  I am who I am, I have learned to accept this in myself, and I wish others could and would do the same.  Even more?  I wish I could find someone who appreciated this in me.

And now?  my eyes are crossed, and I’m not even sure I’m making sense, so I’m going to close.  Hopefully when I wake my views on life, relationships will be lighter, more positive than they are right now.  Hopefully I will not feel the need to protect myself, find safe haven to run to, and I will want to participate in the world again…. Until then….

I’m off to my little quiet spot in the world, my safe womb, where I feel accepted, loved and grateful for who I am….

If you’d like to take the test:

http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/new/Pangelic/what-kind-of-empath-are-you/index.php

ps.  there were 3 questions i did not take the time to answer honestly or objectively.  I also took this test very quickly, exhausted.  I am sure I would test higher if I retook it, but I don’t need a test to tell me who I am, though it is validating to know I’m not alone….

What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

Standard

A few months ago after my cancer surgeries were behind me, and my brothers cancer treatments were behind him and he was healing and mending… for the moment my family could breathe, I could breathe… reconstruction had started, but it would be a long road, it wasn’t urgent… Breathe in, Breathe Out…  I awoke from a dream with the last thing I heard in a very strong authoritative but caring voice “What do you want to do with the rest of your life, Donna?”  As soon as my eyes opened I looked all around me to see if someone was in the room.  Wow.   This was another one of those spiritual dreams I have, this was a question that was directed at me, and something that I really had to think about.   You have another chance, this is the last part of your life, what do you want to do with it?

I focused on that question daily for a few weeks.  Were there places I wanted to go?  What did I want to accomplish?  Were there things I wanted to do?  Things I wanted to see?  I answered Yes to a couple of those questions.  But as days passed and I thought more and more about it, the real question became “What makes you happy Donna Scully?”  Because for certain, what I want for the rest of my life is to be peaceful, serene and happy.   So given a few personal things, places, accomplishments that I am working on (aka my bucket list), I determined something that was very amazing to me.  It was this:  It is the simplest and smallest “things” in my life that brought me the most joy.  Things, moments, events that money could not buy.  I would like to share a few:

-Anything to do with children, particular my niece Brianna, age 6 (BUT SOON to be age 7, just ask her!).  Her expressions, her questions, her insight, innocent, her smiles, and even her tears.    This little girl can make all my problems and pain go away for the moment with just one hug or one lil smile.

-Spending time with my family.  I love spending time with my nephew Ajay, age 19.  He told me a couple of weeks ago that his friends said to him “Dude why are you always spending time with your Aunt?”  And he said he told them “My aunt is cool, she’s an artist, I like her!”.  Even recalling this makes me smile.  I like listening to him, and the other day I was blessed to spend time with both he and his brother.  I laughed so hard, the two of them had me in tears.  It just made my whole day, week, month?

-Playing frisbee or ball with my australian shepherd, or watching him nap.  I also take enjoyment in caring for my animals.  They are all spoiled, doted on, and I like knowing that their lives are good because I make it that way for them.  They are so deserving of love, and fluff!

-My work brings me joy.  To paint, design, to teach.  To see a student succeed, excel, be satisfied with their painting.  There is nothing else like this, it is a wonderful feeling.

-To sit outside and feel the sun, a breeze against my skin, watch a bird fly.  Nature is truly awesome.

-Virtually anything I do on a regular basis, even dishes!  If I can just relax, let go of my worries, and just embrace the beauty of the moment.

I was sharing with my girlfriend yesterday, with modern technology things should be so much simpler for us, yet they seem more complicated.   The convenience and simplicity of online banking or connections is complicated by the darkness of criminal minds.  Many are tormented with financial problems, this is a high stresser.  There are so many things that add to our stress in everyday life.   It is always amazing to me how much smoother my life goes, and how much happier I am when I am not stressed about finances, or smaller things.  It is then that I realize how much I really enjoy the smaller things in my life.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life?  I guess continue what I’m doing, work on my bucket list, and most importantly, quiet the voices of stress in my life so that no matter WHAT is going on in my life, I will always be grateful for my todays.  I really just want to be happy, serene, and peaceful!