Tag Archives: self preservation

On love

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It seems much of my life I have spent questioning my decisions.   I’m sometimes afraid to make decisions for fear that I’ll regret them, rarely has anything to do with the consequences.   I guess, in short, I lack self confidence, in some things, and then in others, I stand strong, tall, stoic to criticism with the ability to see clearly and fully that my decisions are just, sound, right.     Why the variance?

I had some crap dreams last night.   I will include that Trump was in one of them.  Rolling my eyes.    I don’t normally dream about our 45th President!   So why now?

When I access the parts of my life that include pain, disappointment (and we all have it), I weaken and have a tendency to “feel it” emotionally.

I’m reminded of a poem I came across at the young, ripe age of 15 that finds its way back in my life on occasion, and when I need it most.   The woman who wrote it was young at the time, and I remember reading something she had written on it saying she has never understood the depth of interest and popularity of it.     I found that interesting, because for me, this poem helped me stand up after assaults to my being or character.   I’ve shared this poem with many people during challenging parts of their life.   So why would it mean so little to her and so much to those of us who used to it carry us through difficulties?

She wrote about specific things that I have experienced, and I suppose, love and youth, or youth and love.   Earlier times in my life when love was defined differently than it is today (Thank God!).    “Kisses aren’t contracts”, we all “get this” when we experience the end of relationship, of death or loved one and we find ourselves alone.    The most important part for me was and still is ” So we begin to bring ourselves flowers”.    Hence, what I still continue to learn, to love and take care of myself versus others.

Of course I still lend a hand and my heart to others, but I’ve learned to first make sure I’ve filled my own needs.    I’ve also learned that it’s okay to have needs, it’s not selfish to take care of yourself, or put yourself first.    So perhaps, the answer to the author of the poem not understanding how or why her early poem was so popular is because, she learned with only one lesson to give to herself, or to love without losing herself.  And then there are many people like myself, who only after heartache and discord, learn, and even after that, continue the cycle until we finally “get it”.    Our hearts want one they want, but what if our idea of love is whacked?    I’m reminded that the “definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results”.

For whatever the reasons, I still love this poem, and while I no longer cling to it like I did as an innocent 15 year old girl, as a 55 year old woman, I reminisce and bathe in the memories of “love”, and how over the years I’ve learned to accept self love!

Here is the poem by Veronica Shoffstall

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Tall goings vs short comings

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The past week has been trying, challenging, and disappointing to me.   In reviewing this week I know why I have had the desire to build a cabin in the woods and live far away from others.  Safe from the harm of insincerity, of cruelty, of pain.

As a kid my mother used to tell me “If you have one true friend in the world, you have it all”.  Well, it took me almost 50 years to figure out that my mother did in fact know what she was talking about throughout my life, and that this statement of hers was beyond truthful.

I was never really close to a lot of people.   A high school sweetheart whom I’d rather swallow mosquitos than spend time with now.   As an adult I have happened along many wonderful people, many to which I call my friend.    What does being my friend mean to me?   Well, what does it mean to YOU?

Life is about growth.  This I believe.   If I have to be under foot or on the phone with someone every day, every week, every month, it will never work.  Why?  Because right or wrong, I keep a distance for myself, for my own sanity, for my own protection or self preservation.     I’m not unique in my experiences, I’ve been hurt, burned and bruised by others.    For me I would rather put my energy into my art, my talents than risk losing another piece of my heart.   Sadly, I do not want to be like this.   I don’t believe that is what God would want from me.  Every day I struggle with the choice to let others into my life, into my heart.

Today I was crushed when someone I thought was a friend slammed me into a corner, accusing me of something that I am not guilty of.   Wow!   At first I took it with my tail between my legs.  A few minutes later I was ticked off and hurt.   Anger is hard for me.  I am learning how to deal with it.  In past I have swallowed oodles of food or whatever other addiction I picked up or vacillated through.  None of them work anymore.  None of them fill the void of loneliness, of heart-break, of fear.    I believe it’s supposed to be this way.  Why?  So that I can once again climb into the cart of self improvement, or growth.  So that I can live, learn and laugh through the many trials and tribulations that life dishes out.    I have fought against black and white thinking my whole life.   Either something really was, or it really wasn’t.   Finding the grey areas have taken time, patience.  There is no quick fix to this.  This thinking, as destructive as it can be to myself, I am realizing is also destructive towards others.   We all have our shortcomings.  We all have our challenges, our struggles.

My life will go on.   I will heal from the hurt as I always have.   I will continue on the path that I’ve worked on the majority of my life – self improvement, growth.   I will learn from this, and with God’s help, I will not let this take me back a few steps unless it is to gain momentum to move forward.

Today is no different than the lessons of yesteryear, perhaps a bit of a refresher?   Today I will drop a few tears, say a few prayers and tomorrow, when I awake, hopefully I will feel better.  Life goes on.  Life always goes on even when you think it’s cruel, when you’ve experienced an enormous loss and still, the birds chirp.  How can that be?   This is life.  This is a lesson in life.  Some of us get it sooner than later.   Either way, it doesn’t change the lesson, but the intensity of it.

Yes, I’m angry.  I’m very angry.  My therapist would tell me this is good.   I am sitting with this anger, sitting with this disappointment.    Such is life.  Such is life.

 

 

I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!

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My friend Patty summed it up in one sentence “You are a flake”….  there was no harmful intent, we were discussing doing business together and the challenges that we had.  Indeed!  I am a flake, but I’m not a fake! 🙂

My studio is piled high with papers, supplies, surfaces.  Brushes are scattered all over my painting desk and I still have a couple bags of supplies, samples that I have yet to unpack from last week.   OYYYYY

I love my small abode.  Only five rooms, in need of new windows, a paint job, and a lot of finishing inside, I am snuggling in this week, resting my tired body, spending time with my animals.

I told my therapist today “I think I am hardening”.  She said “No, Donna, I don’t think so.  I think you are learning to discriminate, you are learning self preservation, that is all”.  Okay, I’ll take it!    I would rather believe hers than mine, though honestly, I think there is truth in both statements.

When I turned 40 I got very lippy.  My then fiancée said to me “I’m not sure if I want to be around when you turn 50!”   Well, he wasn’t, and 50 was a good birthday for me.  What 50 brought me was the initial being lippy times 5, and also an attitude of not caring what others thought of me.  Well, those who were not close to me anyway.  Freeing, indeed.

My financial struggles continue, but I have learned that all I can do my best, and worry will not alter the reality, only my health.   Robbing from Peter to pay Paul, but hey, add in Mary at the end and you have a wonderful singing group! 🙂   I have been thinking about government employees, and the shutdown.  Fire all of frigan congress, I say!  I hope that those out of work will return soon, and those who have yet to be paid… get paid soon.  What a bunch of crap.  What about cutting all CONGRESS pay? benefits?  So many I know are in the “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” way of life, living week to week, and some weakly.  I sure hope things get better for all of us.

So there you have it, my scattered and mundane thoughts on this “Prince Spaghetti Day”.    Sure hope you are having a good day and smiling.   Thank God, today I am smiling.  Yes, it is a choice, but its much easier when things around you are going smoothly, status quo, and I am not a chaotic mess (like my studio).  Hugz!

Empowering Self

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Eat right!

Exercise!

Relax, truly relax.

Work hard, play hard

Remember NO is a full sentence!

Appreciate yourself, your talents, gifts, who you are

Stay in the NOW!

Think positive thoughts…. walk in the light….

Do not judge yourself when you slip, gently move back towards the light.

Treat yourself like you would those you love, perhaps even a little better!

Rid yourself of doubt, fill yourself with I can, I will, I am!

Look at your strengths, the uniqueness of YOU….. embrace them

Ask yourself… What do I want?  What do I want to do before answering or agreeing to do something.

Dump all guilt, its a futile dangerous head trip that keeps us in the sewers of yesterday

Smile, say Hi to people you do not know, be friendly

If someone cuts you off in traffic, blow them a kiss…. Why get aggitated?  That is time out of YOUR precious life, your energy…. do you really want to expend it this way?

Take time to stop and not only smell the flowers but study them, listen to the birds sing, feel the wind on your skin, feel the ground underneath your feet

Talk with conviction from your heart, let others get to know you

Seek only your own approval, To thine own self, be true!

Do something nice for someone anonymously, do not tell anyone else

Challenge yourself by doing something you are afraid of

SING!  Sing to your hearts content, and dance naked if you want to…. I wouldn’t suggest this outside of your home, but let the music move you

Love yourself and your body as you are, accept who and where you are

Spend time with a child, watch how they interact with others, watch the manner in which they love, offer affection, trust….

Believe that everything is just as its supposed to be

Trust that there is a plan for you, you must participate in it, but there IS a plan

Delve into your heart your soul , grab the hand of the child within and let him/her come out and play

Allow yourself to be silly, angry, happy, sad….. all are important parts of our processing

Seek out passion, not in another, but in something that brings you joy to do, make, participate in… something that you believe in

Unveil your creative self whether it is in music, painting, writing, art, cooking, masonry, knitting…… on and on….. CREATE

LIVE in this moment embracing all that you have, are… it is the empowerment of today and the stepping stone on what we aspire to be if we are granted tomorrow!

And there is always GREAT SEX! (grins)