Tag Archives: self help

Resistence

Standard

I remember a couple of years ago I saw a famous self improvement guru talking on resistance.   His basic message was, the more you resist something, the more important it is that you fight the resistance and DO whatever it is that has created this unsettling, displaced feeling.  Well, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, making some choices, which I am recognizing, for me, it’s harder to have choices than to just trudge along the beaten road you “think” you’re destined to.

I also struggle with commitment, certainly when it comes to relationships, hence why I’ve been single for over a decade.   If I stay away from intimate relationships, I’m safe!  But we all know the truth in that, don’t we?  Love is one of the most beautiful things we are blessed with.  Committing to someone you love, and they you, is pretty special BUT NOT EASY stuff!

So I have been slowly, actively studying my likes, my dislikes, my desires, needs, and am sitting on an opportunity to make major changes in my life.   I believe this.   So as exciting as it can be, it is also frightening to me.   And believe me, when you struggle with anxiety and all that wonderful stuff, it’s VERY REAL to the person going through it.  It can become VERY REAL to those who are close to them, because, well, I call them “demons”.   The demons are real to me.

I have been focusing on that guru’s message, because one thing that I am considering changing is something that in past I HAVE LOVED.   Trying to come out of a severe clinical depression (I wish that were the case for all.  I wish we could just come out of it, and leave it behind, shed it like a snake does skin, but it doesn’t work that way, does it?)  In the hardest times of this I lost a couple friends, and while it hurt, I realize, they haven’t a clue what I live with day in, day out.   The sometimes constant need to correct the thoughts that automatically spew from my brain, it can be exhausting.  But I’m doing it.  And I’m doing as well as I think I can.  Not without some unhealthy coping skills.

Anyway, I want to go back to this resistance I’m feeling about this one thing I’ve had in my life, 1/3 of my life, and have enjoyed, loved.  It would be very easy for me to say “I don’t want to do this anymore”, and chalk the negative feelings I’m having onto that, but I know myself, and I know deep down, it’s not that simple.  I am resisting it because it’s important, albeit, very important to me.

So I’ve been doing the usual things that I know to do, mostly prayer, meditation, seeking help with an answer.  Tonight an unexpected message actually helped me see how much I am truly pushing this away.   If I am being true to myself, and 4-5 years ago I committed to being true to myself, first, then I need to either dissect my reasoning, or even harder, jump in, get my feet wet, and defeat these restricting feelings, fears.

So I decided to write about it, to put it “out there” for myself to look at.  I do this with my artwork too.  I will take a picture and study it on my computer or telephone screen.  This way I am detached from it, and can see where my painting needs honing, correcting.   Whatever works, right?

So, how about you?  Is there something you are resisting?  Something that is important to you but your inner demons have got a grip on your decision making?

 

Advertisements

The journey to wisdom…

Standard

Another day that I feel was wasted with sleep, rest.   Shaking my head.   Tomorrow will be better.. .tomorrow will be better.   The antibiotic seems to be working however, I feel better.  Not so much that someone punched me in my face but more like a baby swinging their head back and getting me.    Softer…

I have been contemplating my life, my life accomplishments, failures, and more.   Sometimes I look at my life and think I’m the luckiest person in the world, I do what I love for work, I love my family and many friends, I’m surrounded with furries, I live in a beautiful part of the world where I get to often see nature’s creatures.    I can look at my designs in art, jewelry, needle craft, and read my writing and think “Damn girl, you’re doing okay”.     Other days, not so much.

On these days I have to remind myself that I should not measure success by way of my bank account.    I would barely get a few feet.  I’m not materialistic, though I love nice things.   I want my home to be a reflection to who I am, and offer warm comfort and welcome to guests.   I’m told that I have succeeded here.   I think about the unfinished mural of Tuscany in my kitchen, the hole in the wall to fit the stackable into it’s new location upstairs, the broken and old windows that offer no insulation, and the many other things that I know and some days, is all I see.   I have to look further.    My home, my body, my life is a work in progress.    If everything were to be put in proper place and fall together, wouldn’t that be boring?     Sarcasm (to tear flesh)……

Have been thinking about something and last nights conversation with my bestest girlfriend took this even further.    I, we are forever changing, growing.    We may watch a movie one day, and then years later watch the same movie and see it’s message so differently.  Why?   Because we are not who we were the first time we saw it, therefore we have grown, evolved from there.    It’s like driving the same road for years and then one day seeing something, sizable, that we had never seen.   It happens.    Instead of getting flustered with why we didn’t get the goodness, the message we are getting from it now years later, perhaps we can look at it as if whatever we saw then, was what we were ready to see?

Hindsight is always 20/20.  I enjoy asking people this question “If you could go back and do it all again, what would you do?”  You may be surprised to hear “I don’t want to go back”.   I feel that way.   But I can dare to look at the things I would have done differently.   Not failure, or regrets, just knowledge.  There is a difference.   Knowledge comes from truth.     No one goes through life without missteps.

As I mentioned before, I am trying to look at my life for what it is.  I recently have been getting my will together, and making known  my end of life choices, and realize on days that are difficult, that I have not all I need to live an unfrustrated existence, I can easily whip myself into self loathing, feeling bad about the decisions I once made that reared me where I am today.   Which feels like rubbing my nose in it, in a cruel manner to self.   What good does this do?  And also, is it accurate?   This is where self doubt is a good thing!

I sat with a woman yesterday who was trying to help me in one area of my life.  Tears started to fall down my face and she said “What’s wrong?”  With my eyes looking outside into the woods I said “This is not where I expected to be at this point in my life.  What have I done wrong?”   She looked at me, smiled, and kindly said “Did it ever occur to you that you are not doing anything wrong?”     Her words startled me.  “Um, NO!”     Flooding back are the words from close friends who have encouraged me through my life and the challenges, and the highs that comes with it.   Why am I so quick to blame myself for everything?   Why am I so quick to think that I am not “good enough”, something that I have learned once was the center of my being, ruling me, proving to myself and others the validity of those two words.  I am happy to say that I no longer have this belief at my core.   It still hangs around, surrounding my feelings, and there are days I can roll my eyes, push them off, and other days I begin feeling caged within them.    My girlfriend Pam has said to me on numerous occasions, “Why do you think you need anymore purpose than who you are right now?”   I don’t know.  I guess maybe I don’t!

I listen to my mother, colorful creature whose hard exterior covers a woman who has withstood much pain.  My mother is a highly intelligent woman.   At 52 I can finally see that! 🙂 ♥    Oh if I only knew half, then, of what I thought I knew now!    She is more intelligent than I am, and gives very good sound advice.    At 52 I do not hear or view her words as personal.  I listen, don’t always agree, but give her the courtesy of sharing her wisdom.   We can learn so much from our elders, from each other.  We just have to shut our mouths and open our ears, our eyes.  Something I forget to shut my mouth!  :0  We hear talk of others “he is an old soul.”   My youngest sister I would describe as an old soul.  Why?  Well, for one, she observed a lot.  Would watch with her eyes, listen with her ears and put the kibosh to blurting out whatever stupidity may have come out merely from age, lack of knowledge!   Not me, open mouth, insert foot.

So now I’m thinking back on this day of rest.  Was it a wasted day?  No, I’m healing, I need sleep to get beyond this illness.   Did I accomplish what I wanted to?  No.   Is that okay?  Yes.    Now looking back at my accomplishments I can view them with much kinder, softer eyes, perhaps even gently!    I may not like where I am today, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like myself as I do.

What does this mean?  What does this leave me with?   A choice.   Is what I do not like in my life worthy of change?  If it’s shunning me from self love, of course it is.   What, then, do I need to change?   I can, and I do, ask the advice of trusted others.   I can work through my feelings, my thoughts and get to a point where I am looking at myself reasonably, whole, not just negative or just positive boasting.   I can then pray or ask my higher power to guide me, help me to become who and what I’m supposed to become….knowledge and go about my day more open minded, more grateful, more observing than lashing, judging.  I believe many of us are our own worst critics.   I can be closed minded, judging myself unmercifully.   Does that make it true?   Ahh….. Nope!  Because feelings aren’t facts and our thoughts may not be truthful.

Here lies, then, the conundrum….   How do I decipher what I “know” (wisdom, six sense) and what I “think” I know?  Should I not listen to my inner voice warding me of peril?  Of course I should listen.   Should I not listen to my gut instinct, which is telling me to stay away from this, or that?  Of course I should listen.    I do think, however, when I start to bang myself around, subjecting myself to self judgment and loathing… perhaps I should THEN question, heed my own words.

The older I get, the more intelligent I get.  Unfortunately, however, I can’t always remember!   Ain’t maturity fun?  I am looking at life as a journey to wisdom.   I will not do everything perfect, and something I may dwell on today may become insignificant tomorrow, I may look back on things I would do differently, having given the chance… but when I start to beat the crap out of myself?  It’s time to put the stick down and walk away.  It’s useless, it’s abusive, it’s unproductive…. and chances are, I have not all the information to pass judgment on myself.   Perhaps what I am thinking is NOT fact?  That means, it is also is not knowledge.  So why do it?

I’ll leave you with the most valuable lesson I have learned ….  Life doesn’t revolve around me…. who knew?

 

It’s okay to ask for help

Standard

Today’s Lesson: It is okay to ask others for help when I need it.

Gratitude: Today I am grateful that I am not in a wheelchair, have the need to use a cane, basically that I have mobility

We are having crappy weather here in New England, rain, rain, rain.  A cold spell is forthcoming.  Today my pain levels have been high 7 to 8.    I’ve been near tears, okay so I’m a baby and I did let a few drop.    I managed to get out, go to therapy and get several things done.  Annoyed by some things I’m not going to mention them to give them power over my thoughts.

Last night I watched a program with Oprah and John (?).    He was speaking of resistance.    He said there is a universal natural force that puts resistance in our path when we need to make changes, do things we don’t want to do and most importantly, the things that we know we are supposed to do, to achieve the most out of our lives.    Ask someone their purpose, what their gift is, he believes that the majority of people know what they’re purpose, I’m not phrasing that right…. What their talent, their gift is…  I believe I do.    I think some peoples life purpose is to make our lives miserable!   Kidding.   Anyhow…   The MORE IMPORTANT the change, the action, the MORE RESISTANCE we will feel.

This is freeing in that I beat the crap out of myself for not being motivated, for procrastinating, for dragging feet even though I know whatever it is will be good for me, rear me positive quality of life results.    Also this resistance leads us to “I’m not good enough, I can’t do this… yada yada yada”.   I am going to try to remember this when it comes up tomorrow, because it will.    Interesting way to look at things.

As I said earlier, my pain levels are very high today, they have been for a few days but today beyond norms and what I can live with without being a total bitch.   I knew I didn’t have it in me to shovel the other day, frankly I haven’t yet.  I did my front walkway once, and that wasn’t the smartest thing I could do.   Thinking about it, pondering what to do, because this is the first year that I have been unable to do this myself, what am I going to do???    I asked my very kind neighbors for help.    Joe came down, as soon as they received the message, which was dark, and did my walkways for me.   I was so relieved, and so very grateful.    It is so nice to have neighbors that are willing to give a helping hand.  I am so very grateful.

I shall now slip into my jams and bundle up with a blanket on the couch with my legs elevated.   I hope there is something decent on television but I’m not holding my breath!

Hope you had a great day, Midwest has been slammed with extremely cold weather.  My girlfriend in Omaha said it was awful and we both thought about the animals that would be left outside….

Today’s artwork is called “Tea Box”   It is the perfect size to hold your favorite tea bags.  Instructional packet is available.

teabox

Feeling the need to run…… self sabotage

Standard

I logged onto my computer this morning and found this huge update on bed bugs, and how they are calling OHIO the Bed bug Capital…. OMG I just got BACK from Ohio!  YUCK!  So while my last blog was meant in humor, I suppose it really isn’t humorous when you’ve experienced something like this.  So today I’m vacuuming, washing my sheets and clothes AGAIN in hot water.   yuck yuck yuck.

The past few years I have spent much effort on improving myself.  If you look at my collection of books it is mostly self help books.  I am very self aware, and have worked diligently on areas that keep me from succeeding… success defined by me as getting what I want, not what society thinks I should have.  One painful area of this has been identified as self sabotage.  There are many ways in which I do this.   This past week I found myself feeling the need to run away from something that was scaring me.    The urge was there, the desire was there to run…. Running would only complicate the issue and also confuse me further AND distance me further from what I desire.  These are old thinking and survival skills.  They do not work anymore, and honestly I’m not sure that they ever did!  Fortunately I identified what was going on, I spoke with two people who I love and trust fully and after a sleepless night of tossing and turning, made the choice to defy the old behavior and run BACK INTO MYSELF.  To stand firm with myself, to face my fear, to sit one in the same place with it…

I will not lie to you and say it feels great lol.  As the uncomfortable feelings that I wanted to run from are present, it has been and is cathartic.  I am not creating more confusion for myself, nor am I not diverting my attention to something else.  I am facing this, or not.  I am one with this, and just being.  This in itself is empowering.  This is claiming what is mine, albeit unpleasant at times, but it is in fact, mine, and in many ways it feels good.  I am being true to Donna.  I made a commitment to myself almost five years ago that I was going to be true to myself always.  This was after allowing things in my life, losing part of myself, and denying myself the life that I wanted… it IS important to be true to yourself, no matter how much you love someone else, you have to love yourself a bit more.

So, I’m being gentle on myself today, in fact its only 12:45pm and I’ve just crawled in bed for a nap.  I plan to take a hike with my dog, maybe go for a ride and crank the tunes, paint, tomorrow I hope to spend some time with girlfriends, and in general, I plan to be good to myself today because I know that walking in new territory although it will lead to solid ground…feels rocky and unsafe when we first start out.

Tired

Standard

I have sat down to write several times and each time I have stopped.  Who wants to hear of MY woes?  Everyone has them.   The old adage “If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything” comes to mind… I try to be a positive person, I try to bring a smile to the faces of those I meet, to help others… the truth is right now I am tired, weary tired.   haven’t been feeling well for the past couple of weeks.  I have been experiencing cluster migraines which triggered fear…. Is this a recurrence that has metastasized to my brain?  Now I do believe in the power of positive thinking so  have worked very hard to NOT let this consume me, but it exists.    Perhaps it is exhaustion from the migraines, consequences of eating poorly the past few weeks, part of the grief process or a combination of all but there is a fatigue blanketing over me that I cannot shake off.  This isn’t depression.  This is different.  Something isn’t right.   I have been confused, searching for words that I know like the back of my hand, unsure of myself, thus decisions, and so on.   So tomorrow I have an appointment with my primary care provider to be “checked out”… it’s time to have my thyroid levels checked and probably time for my annual physical anyway.

My girlfriend shared with me a quote that a friend of hers told her.  “Fatigue makes cowards out of all of us”.  I have been pondering this for a few days now, and have found it to be quite fitting in my life right now.    Reminiscent of an acronym I learned in AlAnon “HALT”  (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)… which is a reminder to slow down, cease decisions, actions, etc., when you are any of the aforementioned.    I have found myself gravitating towards sugar to get the “energy boost” but this only serves to drop in minutes… and get me into the blood sugar level yo yo, gaining weight that I worked so hard to get off, and thus feeling like crap about myself……. in short may I just say YUCK????????????????????????

So tonight I am already in bed at 8:30, my plans are to start tomorrow anew, hopefully with some exercise, healthier eating choices, and hopefully my doctor will determine that my thyroid meds need tweeking or something that can be fixed, and quickly.  I am sending these positive thoughts out to the universe…. this is my hope my wish for tomorrow.

I hope you are all doing well, that life is being kind to you and your loved ones and that you are enjoying good health, as if you have your health you do in fact, have it all… everything else is workable!

Have a wonderful nights rest, and a great day… it is in fact, a gift!

Hugz,

Donna