Tag Archives: self care

Experience, Strength and Hope


The past couple of weeks has gifted me with answers to a couple incidents in which I pointed fingers to another.  What was that gift?  “For every finger you point, there is three pointing back at yourself!”     Wow!   Basics of Life 101!

Today marks a very sad occasion in my life.  16 years ago my sweet kid sister took her last breath on earth.   At 38 her life was plucked out from under her with the nasty, insidious disease of cancer.    Darlene was an old soul, a kind soul, she worked hard and played hard.   I think back on her life and I am so grateful that she lived her short life, well.  She really did.

Those close to me know I mention this every year, and at least weekly I mention the cancers in my family, or the losses I’ve experienced.   It isn’t “to dwell”.  It is that grief has been the hardest walk I have ever been through in my life.   Last night I said “goodbyes” to an online friend who I believe is in final stages of dying from cancer.   It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  And now I am offering prayers for her, that this please be over for her soon.  Too much suffering.

I mention loss and cancer because both are a big part of my life.   Every day, it doesn’t matter how many years it’s been, I have to make choices to live my life the best I can, with realities that aren’t easy, not in the least.    I’m not “stuck” in grief.   Part of my daily choices are to live my life to my best, accepting my own shortcomings and issues, and there are many!   Some day I succeed, other days I have a hard time getting out of my own way, but because of what I have been through with family and loved ones, I try to make my life and each day purposeful, I do this for those who I have lost and no longer have that opportunity.  I do this because they have taught me to appreciate myself and my life, the earlier which is my greatest struggle.  There isn’t enough time in this day to share my struggles, nor am I into sharing them for the world to see.  I will share on some, because it’s part of healing for me, and my hope is that if my blog(s) help one other person through a crap time in their life, then my own suffering isn’t in vain.

At this age, and well over a decade of living alone, I have come a long way baby!  I will always be the person who wants to help others, I will always offer experience, strength, hope to another, always.  But what has changed is that I must do this for myself, first.    The world doesn’t need to know nor do most people care what I’ve been through in my life.   Thank god!  Otherwise I may be another “celebrity” that idiots look to for answers!   Yes, I said it.   Celebrities too often have a larger sense of self importance than the rest of us.    I’ve learned that it is important to take care of and love myself, to have self respect, but equally to know heightened self importance isn’t the authentic person that I consider myself to be, and aspire to be.    I’m reminded many times why we have two ears and one mouth!   To listen!

This week I am starting anew with some self care things, and rather than to beat myself up because I had lost my way to these, I am proud of myself that I picked up the phone to make the phone calls to help myself.  I didn’t discuss this with anyone, it was something I did for myself, something I recognized I needed.    I’m getting far too old to keep beating the shit out of myself for being human.   Will I do this perfectly?  Um, probably not!  lol.

I have been enthralled in feelings of fear for someone close to me, someone who I love.  Every essence of my being says they’re headed for trouble.    But this time, I have the experience of watching another person I love self destruct.  There is nothing joyful about it.  It is hell, first losing respect for someone, and also “waiting for the shoe to drop”.   The fact that I reached out for help for myself tells me I have learned that the only true person I can save is myself.  And if someone doesn’t care that much about themselves, no matter how much I love them, (and I do love deeply), I cannot fix or make another person love themselves.    With that said, it doesn’t mean I stop loving them.

So today, on this day, I am remembering my sister(s), her antics, her love of life.   I miss her more than words can say, but I know i always will.    I’m not a believer that “time heals”.    I don’t think it does.   I think time teaches us how to coexist with whatever it is, for me today, the loss of my kid sister.   I had to do the work, I had to walk through the barbed wire fence, and scratchy bushes of grief to get to where I can recognize when I’m in need of help, tears, other.   In the beginning, it just isn’t impossible, at least it wasn’t for me.  The waves were too often and inconsistently.   Nor am I right now, allowing the very fear I walked in losing a love to alcoholism, with another person close to me.  My job in all of this is to take care of myself (and I’m still learning HOW to do this).

I guess I could say today there has been tears, I am thankful for insight gained today, and I am grateful for where I am and who I am today.   Getting “back on” a train isn’t as hard as trying to catch it at 90 mph with insane thinking!   I am grateful.  I hurt, I feel, I have sadness, but I also have choices to help myself, I am learning!   And for me?   That’s enough right now.  I am learning.  I am also very grateful for the many friends in my life who gently remind me to be kinder to myself, and sometimes this happens when they are beating on themselves or other.   Detachment doesn’t mean I don’t love them, it means I offer prayers for them, help when asked, but I first and foremost take care of myself, first.
Love to all reading this





Rambling grief


My siblings have graciously and generously taken care of all the necessary final arrangements.  My mother did not want a service, she was adamant about this.    So they have generously arranged for a private family dinner in which we will celebrate her life.   My brother has offered his home for family and friends to stop by afterwards if desired.   I want to share that I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts and messages, prayers being said for me and my family.

The reality that she is gone hits me sporadically and infrequently.   It’s still not real yet.  If that makes any sense.  I’ve been practicing self care, resting the past few days, working on her obituary, which I must say hasn’t come easily.  I remember an obituary of someone who I knew, and despised, and my jaw was sitting on my chest throughout the whole obituary because it was so uncharacteristically her, and I had thought about becoming an obituary writer after reading it.   Clearly, you can say anything you want, make up things, be anything you want or want them to be in an obituary!   For me, I wanted it to be an honest assessment of my mothers life.   I wanted to touch upon the things that were most meaningful and important to her.  Doing so required sorting through many memories and feelings. and spanned the last five decades of her life that I was aware of.

I look around my house and I’m reminded of how much my mom did for me.  We tackled projects together, including painted furniture that she would strip, fix, and I would paint.    She rarely sat, she was always busy.  Sometimes that used to drive me nuts.  And the things that she did that used to irk me, like leaving cleaning agents in nooks and crannies around the house, today made me smile.  My house will NEVER AGAIIN be as clean as it was then when my mom was staying here or house sitting!   Last night when I did the dishes I remember her saying to me “the warmth on your hands is healing, Donna, let it nurture your hands”.   For the record, my dishwasher also died, and I haven’t yet nurtured my hands today!  And for over a decade now, my mom took care of all my flower gardens, and yard.   Her and my friend Joe who took care of the lawn, both of whom will no longer be doing that.   I will deal with that when the snow is gone.  Perhaps I’ll get back into gardening?

My mother and I couldn’t be more opposite in some ways, and in others we were side by side, I echoed her.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but I know that both of these things were obvious in our relationship.  Sometimes it’s because you are very much alike that personalities clash!

I’m not liking this particular journey of grief.   Actually, I haven’t liked any other either.  But this loss, this is vast.     I can’t even comprehend it yet.  Am I saying it is greater than my other losses?    I don’t know, I just know it’s seemingly different, in the short time since she passed.  As I go through pictures to share with my siblings, I’m also sorting through memories.   My mother would surprise me many times I was away teaching.  I’d come home and she’d have not only cleaned the house but also did extras, things that I was meaning to do just hadn’t yet found the time.   I remember the first time I traveled after my ex boyfriend and I split.  I have mentioned on numerous occasions he was an alcoholic, a binge drinker.  Well, when I started to travel teach, I was weary when I’d pull out of the driveway on a Thursday or Friday to travel to my gig.   I didn’t trust him, and was afraid that he’d get drunk and would lose one of my animals (accidentally) or burn my house down.  So when I came home the first time after we split and my mom had stayed at my house (with my 4-5 animals), I was delighted to come home to a super clean house, new scatter rugs, and other small things that really were appreciated.  Although, she was far more excited over a toilet bowl brush than i was!    Seriously!  I remember thinking how nice it was to have someone “on my side” or working with me with housework and goals.

I am afraid of grief.   I am afraid because it can be such a deep dark hole, an emptiness, a seemingly endless journey of sadness, at least it was for me when my youngest sister died, and when I learned Jim had died.  I’ve been reading articles online how to help yourself, things you can do to help move your grief along if you are feeling stuck.  I haven’t felt stuck because I haven’t yet accepted it.  But I know from experience that there will be a time that I do, and it will probably be when I get angry.  If you’ve never read any of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross work, her writing was amazing, her work with the dying was ground breaking.  Both my mother and I enjoyed her books, and my mother doing hospice work shared many things with me.   It’s time to pull back out the book written by hospice workers that I cannot seem to recall  its title, but I will.  I will probably have to buy it again, which I have done probably five times, because I always seem to pass it along to someone else who was in need of comfort, understanding, who was walking the difficult path of grief.  I want to say “Final gifts”.

I’ve kept fairly alone this week, which works for me.  Once an extrovert, I have long since moved over to the introverts side, and I heal, process alone.    At one point in my life I was afraid to be alone, as if it said something horrible about me that I wasn’t “in love”.    Those days are long gone, and while I long for loving touch, I am comfortable with my life.  I think each person has to define whether coming home to an empty house evokes loneliness or freedom!    And that can vary day by day, certainly when walking through grief.    I’ve gone from having 5 pets, two dogs and 3 cats, down to one geriatric cat who at the age of 18 years old has the whole house to herself.  She was always low man on the totem pole.   All the other animals would pick on her, but now she’s showing them!     I thought I was losing her a couple months ago, i mean, she is obviously showing signs of age, she sleeps a lot, but she had stopped eating, and had become alarmingly thin.   I’m pleased to say she is doing much better, and I love looking over at the second chair in my living room and seeing here there.  I’ve resisted offers and desires to get more animals because it’s just so expensive to have them, and I have been fortunate to have friends who helped me get their flea and tick stuff, shots, and also in putting them down when their quality of life became unacceptable to me.

I don’t know why I’m struggling so with second guessing the pain meds I kept asking for with my mom.    As close as I can come to the fear of it, is that it silenced her.  And my mother was hardly the quiet soul.     She and I had a pact when it came to my animals.   She really was good to them, and my dogs lived at her house half the time because of how much I traveled.  But I digress.   The pact was, if I was letting one of my animals live in a manner that was less than quality of life, she would tell me.  Because I never wanted them to suffer, ever.   So in recalling this, why would I question doing the same with my mom?  It isn’t as if we euthanized her, but my mother has always responded drastically to the smallest dose of most meds.  Was there more she wanted to say?  The fact that I, we had the last word with her offers little comfort from a strong woman who always seemed to have the last word.

Back to being alone, one with myself, tomorrow I am going out to get my hair done. I’m looking skunk (ish) with roots.   I tried doing this the other day, but I couldn’t sit in my own skin while I was waiting for my girlfriend to finish with her previous client.   I bowed out, leaving her a note, because I just wasn’t doing well physically or emotionally.     I hope tomorrow goes better.

Hope you had a nice day, hope you smiled today and shared with loved ones how much they mean to you.  It’s important, and in the overall scheme of life, it goes by so fast.

Love and good thoughts being sent to you .  Thanks for reading!


Battling the blahs and weights of depression


The past couple days have been very good for me.  I think I’m rounded a hard corner, as I’ve been fighting off (or attempting to in any way i know possible) depression.   I hate going to bed at night because it takes an act of congress for me to find the motivation to get up.   I laughed a lot yesterday and today, worked on a variety of projects, and had time with a girlfriend who had me laughing, snorting actually today.  Man it felt good.

This week I need to incorporate walking into my daily life.  I need exercise.  I think it’s the only thing that’s going to get me over the hump.  It’s been bad.  My depressions aren’t situational or sporadic.   I have had four major depressive disorders, all requiring hospitalization at one point or another.   The last one which was about five years ago now, hit me the hardest and stayed with me the longest.    So I’m very frightful of what this “new one” will be like.    I cannot let this take me down, and I will not.

Daily I listen to music, daily I spend time practicing gratitude, I have to come up with three things per day I’m grateful for, three times a day.    Sometimes I’m grateful it’s bed time and I don’t have to think up three things.     But the past couple days it’s come very easily, so what I am doing is helping.  Honestly, I feel like I’m in a fight for my life.    Having been through cancer, I can say that it feels a bit like that.  I knew I had to act fast, choose drastic treatment options or I could lose my life.  Same now.  I lost three years to the last one, which was my fourth major depression.

So many things going on in my life.  For an average person I’m sure they can cope and deal well with these things.  For me, not so much.  I’ve been inundated with problems at my house, flooding, squirrels, mice, and now moths, not to mention I have been struggling to get out of my own way.   I’ve felt like giving up, and often.   Add to that a fall on the ice, and a fall in my home that has left me with a wrist brace that helps with the pain.   It’s been 3 weeks , I really need to get it x-rayed.   Maybe this week???

My patience has run short, and my desire, even less.    So tonight when I picked up the paint brush and started painting a mallard from a picture, it was the first time this year I’ve picked up the brush.   And as usual, when I take a couple months off, it’s awkward.  Having to find all my tools, get situated.  But it was so worth the effort.    I worked in three different mediums today, and it felt really good!   And tomorrow I can look forward to getting out of bed (I hope) and get back to work on finishing the painting.

I had fun, peaceful days today, got back in touch with myself, the things that I love, and the things that I enjoy doing.    Perhaps i’m on the way up and out of this depression.  I pray so.

Watching Frasier and getting ready to call it a night.     Hope you have had a great day, experienced some joy and peace, and have been blessed with restful, healing sleep.




To thine own self, be true


The warm temps and sunshine have melted much of the snow away.  There are now large patches of ground, dead grass, exposed.   I was so excited to walk on this.  Apparently the animals also were excited as Lilly Wonka rolled down the hill on her back not once, but twice.  The proof of her extravagance are the twigs and leaves that remain nestled in her furry curls.   She’s a goofball and doesn’t care.   Oh how nice it is to see evidence that Spring is coming, signs popping up here and there.  There is a large squirrel resting on my butternut tree.  He’s mighty chunky and happy to feel the sun, too.

I just looked over my shoulder at my painting area which I abandoned about three weeks ago.   I have been working on winter scenes, obviously inspired by my surroundings.  Well, it reached a point where I couldn’t even face the canvas!   Even a blank white canvas was discouraging to look at.   I focused, instead, on another medium, still exercising my love for color, texture, and the ability to make something out of nothing.   Ah yes, creating…

Today I want to talk about being true to myself.    I feel like I am being true to myself when I write, design (jewelry, needlecraft) and of course, paint.   I am being true to being right brain dominant.   For years I pushed that aside out of need, carrying a full time job with which I had to put all creativity aside to perform the tasks I was hired to do.   I never did find balance there, being an all or nothing thinker.

I am true to myself when I am taking care of myself.   This is an area that needs attention.   I am taking care of myself when twice a week I attend therapy, when I keep appointments with my health care providers.  I am being true to myself when I say “no” to others.  I am being true to myself when I set boundaries with others.   I am being true to myself when I am being honest with myself, first, then others.   These are all areas in which I have improved tremendously.

I am being true to myself by staying single instead of “settling”.       

I am being true to myself when I help another, am kind to another, practice random acts of kindness.  I am being true to myself when I give of myself, my time to others. 

We all have areas in which we could improve upon, hone.  I think I’m fairly adept at what these areas for me are.    I think the largest area right now is taking care of my body, this precious vessel I was given at birth.    When I had lost a significant amount of weight a couple years ago it was because I wanted to know what it feels like, before I die, to have balance in all areas;  Mental, physical and spiritual.  I have been thinking about this quite frequently lately.   I remember as I was going through my days, free of sugar, addiction, I was astounded as to how much time I had spent thinking about my imperfect self, my imperfect body.   “Am I the fattest in the room?  What do I want to eat today?  And a barrage of other negative connotations that distracted me from other areas of my life, happy, peaceful, serene thinking, and indeed loving and taking care of myself.

I am being true to myself when I admire nature.  The squirrels, chipmunks, watching out for fox, deer, coy dogs.  When I observe how beautiful my surroundings are, in any and all seasons.  When I study the branches on a tree, pull over from driving and take pictures of scenes that inspire me to paint, to create.     When my eyes follow a hawk, any bird, smile when I see them lifted by a thermal.  They just got a free ride, baby!   When I am walking through the woods, admiring the view, aware of my footing, exercising both myself and my dogs.   When I do not allow approval from others to rein.   Basically I am being true to myself when I participate in things that I love to do, within reason.  Is this behavior, this decision stepping me towards peace? harmony? serenity with myself?  

I am being true to myself (bet you are sick of those six words by now 😉 ) When I love myself and others without judgment.  When I “accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.  -The Serenity Prayer

As I set out on this day of errands, appointments, taking care of responsibilities I am going to, today, find the positive in all things, stay calm in the face of conflict and participate in things that I perhaps do not want to, or like to, but are good for me, are in the direction of where I want to go.   A drive by to Dunkin Donuts, phone calls to creditors, making doctors appointments with my ophthalmologist, my oncologist, my dentist, doing housework for the sole reason of how good I feel when my house is clean, organized, inserting pride in my stride.  When I sit down at my painting table and reacquaint myself with my brushes, free of self criticism or critiquing.  Just let the brush flow in the direction it is meant to.

You see, my fingers may be hitting the keyboard to write this blog, my hands may grip the paintbrushes and my eyes visualizing in what direction, what method they should go…but I believe this is a channeling from another.  I don’t know how to explain it.    Most times when I return to and read a blog I’ve written I think to myself…Where did that come from?  I wrote that?   Feelings, thoughts similar to those when I have reached my destination after driving there and not knowing how the hell I got there?  You have experienced this too.  It’s sort of scary and sort of cool, right?

I am always guided.  Sometimes I defy it, and typically that ends disastrously.  I am always given what I need.   I just need to show up, and be true to myself, no matter how it feels.   The old adage “No pain, no gain” rings true.  Taking care of myself, being true to myself isn’t always a walk through a park, nor a constant tunnel of darkness.  It is being brave enough, having courage enough to show up and walk the walk.

Off to put on my hiking boots…..!


Today’s Lesson:   “What I subject myself to, what I surround myself with, can play a part in my daily mental & physical health”

Today’s Gratitude:   That I have a warm place to live, warm clothes to wear, and warm food to eat

I didn’t want to get out of bed today.   My body was comfortable, warm, and the only exposed part of my body to the air told me it is vewy vewy cold out there.   It is, it’s 9 degrees.    The good news that comes with frigid weather is that it is too cold to snow.    Yep, we are fastly approaching February freeze.   I grabbed a few cans of soup yesterday.  Campbell’s tomato soup at Walmart $1.58.   $1.58!   I got the family size for $1.79.   I also noticed that we are no longer buying 5 lbs of sugar but 3, though the price is no less.    My favorite milk “Hood” was $4.79 a gallon, so I bought the store brand at $2.79. $80 and 5 days worth of groceries later, I decided that when I arrived home I would leave the groceries in the car, grab the dogs and go for a quick hike before dark.   We were hoofing it, but we did it.   It is good for all of us.  20 minutes of cardio exercise for all three of us, make for a happier evening for all including the cats.   Sophie is much more mellow when we get home from a walk.   Weather talk…. a boring but essential topic here in New England.   With that said, I believe my  sister missed her calling.  She has done really well for herself, worked hard, but I think she  should have been a weather reporter.

How comfortable and soothing I am finding the hot maple sugar cinnamon oatmeal I am eating.  Even the bowl offers warmth to my hands.   As kids (5 of us… I was the perfect child, however :)) we would be given the choice of oatmeal, cream of wheat or mapo.  Anyone remember that?  We would have to walk 5 miles to the bus stop, (okay, so I’m exaggerating a bit and being a little sarcastic…) my mom would always say it will keep us warm and stay with us.   You know, I find that to be true today.    I may end up eating oatmeal for both breakfast and dinner through the cold spell.

I have found a new television channel that I love “ID – Investigative Discovery”.   It’s such a cool channel!     Having interest in psychology since my early 20’s, I find criminal profiling fascinating.   I would never be able to work in this field, however, because I would be afraid to leave my house!   Anyway, I’ve been talking about this with my therapist.   I find myself saying “Sick bastard” to many of these criminals and cringing.  These are real life reenacted crime scenario.   I have never understood why people (both men and women) just don’t get divorced instead of killing off their spouse but after seeing what my brother is going through, I am beginning to understand! 🙂   But I digress…   One of yesterday’s shows was about a pastor who killed both his first and second wives.   Seen as a pillar in his community, there was little, if no investigation beyond an unfortunate accident.   When one of the stiff’s (oh my, I really am being a shit today!) children wanted answers to her questions, so began the unraveling deceit of the pastor.     I cannot remember the names of the shows other than “Wives with knives”… that one sticks with me!  Anyhow, one program with a clever and probing Lt. continually offers “What does a killer look like?    You and I”.   He has solved almost 400 murder cases.   This man certainly is adept at providing.  Sometimes when I’m watching him I think “he’s solving a puzzle”, a sick and messed up puzzle, but nonetheless, a puzzle.    This gets me thinking about how much faith and trust we practice on a daily basis.    Think about it.  We get in our cars and drive to work, to the grocery store, believing that those we pass, meet are driving alert, defensive, to the best of their ability.    We buy food at the grocery store which we trust is fresh, safe for us to eat.   We deposit our hard earned money into financial institutions which we trust, will be there at our disposal.   We turn on the news and trust that we are being told the truth about crisis, and more.   We assume that our family, friends, neighbors, employees, peers, and more are relatively sane and safe for us to be around.   So many times on these programs I hear “He was a really good guy, very charming” as they describe the neighbor who just wiped out his family in too gruesome of a manner to mention here.   We simply cannot live without trust, without faith or we wouldn’t get out of beds or leave our house, ever!

When hospitalized for my 4 clinical depressions, I remember a conversation with my inpatient psychiatrist who told me “You are being hard on yourself, Donna.   You are doing your best, you need help getting out of this illness”.  This of course, would come after a bout of tears and disappointment in myself that I just couldn’t “pull myself up by my boot straps”.    I have mental illness.   I am not afraid nor ashamed to share this.   If someone shuns me or takes this as “criminal or insane”, I know today, that is their own ignorance of mental health.    So, back to the ID channel, I continually hear “she/he was being treated for depression”, narcissism, socio paths, personality and emotional disorders.    So, if I was doing my best with living with the worse of depressions, are these psychopaths, murderers, sick fucks (Some of these criminals acts deserve that language) doing their best?   Are they to blame for their heinous actions?   The answer is, YES.  Yes they are.   For the life of me right now, I cannot remember all that my therapist said when asked this question yesterday.  I was relieved to hear this.   YES the majority of those criminals are very well aware of what they are doing, and they choose their crimes.    The sadistic criminals, the mass murderers, the sexual offenders, and more…they are not only responsible but cognizant of their actions.   Criminal Minds….   Our experiences, our upbringings, events in our life can bring on mental illness such as PTSD, but my understanding today is that this is much different from the mind of a criminal.  Which is another thing heard numerous times on ID…. “He liked to torture animals as a young child”…  Many times the parent, while not wanting to accept, sees evil, monsters in their own child.   Mental illness comes in all forms, just like cancer.   The carcinogenic cell that rears a woman ovarian cancer is not the same of a man with prostate, and so on.   Metastatic cancers that spread to another area are the result of the same cancerous cell diagnosed first.  Basically, are as a result of….   As with mental illnesses, some result in further diagnosis, others do not.   If nothing else, I find this interesting.  I find the whole field of psychology interesting and I believe it takes a unique personality to treat these illnesses.    I once asked my therapist who on some days has 9 or 10 patients, “How do you detach from all [of use], and she replied “I don’t”.    Since asking her that question many months ago she shared some information which was learned at a seminar she attended on Trauma.   There was a “game” so to speak, basically to prove a point, each wrote  on a piece of paper…. laughing, I can’t remember what was asked of each of them to write down.  What I do remember, however, is that there was a doctor, a therapist, who shared that she wakes up at 4am every morning, thinking about her patients cases, their struggles…   The ending result being, it was time for her to walk away.  It was time for her to find a less invasive mind probing way to earn a living.   The burn out in this field is immense.   I’m thinking about a friend who worked with children 3-5 years of age who, as a mother said “You could see they were damaged”.    I am in no way insinuating that these children would grow up to be criminals, not at all, but that their psyche was hurt so very young.   She lasted 5 years and after one particularly devastating [to her] case, she walked away from it.  Self preservation.    Mental illness isn’t the only field at risk of “burn out”…  Even as an art teacher, which is an enjoyable career, come January I am spent, washed out, in need of recovering, rejuvenating myself.   I wonder how many people are in dire need of a break from routine, and blame their marriage, their unhappiness on something else???? Oh, the power of self awareness, crucial for individual happiness.   now that I’ve ventured far and taken valuable time of yours (which I do appreciate) on today’s soap box, I shall return to the mundane tasks of this day.  Writing, for me, is essential, I look forward to this time of my day.   I admit, however, that I am not looking forward to cleaning up the kitchen the bathroom the floors…but I will look to the healing comfort of my hands in warm dishwater.   Hey… maybe it’ll work!  🙂   And as I bid you a good day, I wonder, what the hell was this blog really about? 🙂


Investigative Discovery (ID television channel)

I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!


My friend Patty summed it up in one sentence “You are a flake”….  there was no harmful intent, we were discussing doing business together and the challenges that we had.  Indeed!  I am a flake, but I’m not a fake! 🙂

My studio is piled high with papers, supplies, surfaces.  Brushes are scattered all over my painting desk and I still have a couple bags of supplies, samples that I have yet to unpack from last week.   OYYYYY

I love my small abode.  Only five rooms, in need of new windows, a paint job, and a lot of finishing inside, I am snuggling in this week, resting my tired body, spending time with my animals.

I told my therapist today “I think I am hardening”.  She said “No, Donna, I don’t think so.  I think you are learning to discriminate, you are learning self preservation, that is all”.  Okay, I’ll take it!    I would rather believe hers than mine, though honestly, I think there is truth in both statements.

When I turned 40 I got very lippy.  My then fiancée said to me “I’m not sure if I want to be around when you turn 50!”   Well, he wasn’t, and 50 was a good birthday for me.  What 50 brought me was the initial being lippy times 5, and also an attitude of not caring what others thought of me.  Well, those who were not close to me anyway.  Freeing, indeed.

My financial struggles continue, but I have learned that all I can do my best, and worry will not alter the reality, only my health.   Robbing from Peter to pay Paul, but hey, add in Mary at the end and you have a wonderful singing group! 🙂   I have been thinking about government employees, and the shutdown.  Fire all of frigan congress, I say!  I hope that those out of work will return soon, and those who have yet to be paid… get paid soon.  What a bunch of crap.  What about cutting all CONGRESS pay? benefits?  So many I know are in the “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” way of life, living week to week, and some weakly.  I sure hope things get better for all of us.

So there you have it, my scattered and mundane thoughts on this “Prince Spaghetti Day”.    Sure hope you are having a good day and smiling.   Thank God, today I am smiling.  Yes, it is a choice, but its much easier when things around you are going smoothly, status quo, and I am not a chaotic mess (like my studio).  Hugz!

Empowering Self


Eat right!


Relax, truly relax.

Work hard, play hard

Remember NO is a full sentence!

Appreciate yourself, your talents, gifts, who you are

Stay in the NOW!

Think positive thoughts…. walk in the light….

Do not judge yourself when you slip, gently move back towards the light.

Treat yourself like you would those you love, perhaps even a little better!

Rid yourself of doubt, fill yourself with I can, I will, I am!

Look at your strengths, the uniqueness of YOU….. embrace them

Ask yourself… What do I want?  What do I want to do before answering or agreeing to do something.

Dump all guilt, its a futile dangerous head trip that keeps us in the sewers of yesterday

Smile, say Hi to people you do not know, be friendly

If someone cuts you off in traffic, blow them a kiss…. Why get aggitated?  That is time out of YOUR precious life, your energy…. do you really want to expend it this way?

Take time to stop and not only smell the flowers but study them, listen to the birds sing, feel the wind on your skin, feel the ground underneath your feet

Talk with conviction from your heart, let others get to know you

Seek only your own approval, To thine own self, be true!

Do something nice for someone anonymously, do not tell anyone else

Challenge yourself by doing something you are afraid of

SING!  Sing to your hearts content, and dance naked if you want to…. I wouldn’t suggest this outside of your home, but let the music move you

Love yourself and your body as you are, accept who and where you are

Spend time with a child, watch how they interact with others, watch the manner in which they love, offer affection, trust….

Believe that everything is just as its supposed to be

Trust that there is a plan for you, you must participate in it, but there IS a plan

Delve into your heart your soul , grab the hand of the child within and let him/her come out and play

Allow yourself to be silly, angry, happy, sad….. all are important parts of our processing

Seek out passion, not in another, but in something that brings you joy to do, make, participate in… something that you believe in

Unveil your creative self whether it is in music, painting, writing, art, cooking, masonry, knitting…… on and on….. CREATE

LIVE in this moment embracing all that you have, are… it is the empowerment of today and the stepping stone on what we aspire to be if we are granted tomorrow!

And there is always GREAT SEX! (grins)

Pigtails are for grownups too!


Who says 48 year old’s can’t wear pigtails?   Okay, so I won’t be putting on the brown bikini  made of hankerchiefs that my mom made me and that I wore all summer as a kid…. I’d have to hand out too many barf bags… but pigtails?? Who cares?  I figure my breasts are now about the size they were when I used to wear pigtails…. so why not????   When was the last time you wore pigtails?  Or put your hair up in a bunch of rubber bands?  My girlfriend and I did this last week.    Dare I post the pic? hmmm

When was the last time you did something fun?  Silly?  Something that made you chuckle and feel childlike… not caring what anyone thought?

I can become so wrapped up in my troubles, in my responsibilities that I forget to allow myself to be silly…  Today I allowed myself to be silly…  I hope you do too!