Tag Archives: purpose

Peeking in

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The moon lit up a path for my dog (Lilly) and I to walk tonight, our last walk before we retire from a challenging day, at best.

I stopped to peek in and look into my front windows.  What do I see?  What if I did not know me, what would I see?   Would I see the person I want to see?   Would I see a home that I would want to live in?  To welcome family and friends in?

Am I looking into the home of an honest person?  A kind person?  A caring person?   Or would I see an old, angered, manipulative soul?

Would I see the past scars of hardships?  Did the hardships shape or mold me in any way?  For the good?  Or the bad?   Would I see a person whose experiences brought her wisdom, does she share that with others?   Or would I see a woman whose outward and inward look feels beaten from life?    Or would I see the boldness and hardness or an embittered woman?    Would I see a happy, peaceful, gentle home filled with love, welcoming friends and family, or would I see a perfectly placed home, with name brands and picturesque shots from a magazine on Style?

Though the outside of this house is in need of scraping and love, is the inside, the core, the womb warm?  Does it hold true to the things and people I love?   Does it hold true to me?   To the people I have loved and lost?   Or am I living in a shrine to the departed?

Do I see artwork that is beautiful, and brings a smile to my face?  Or do I hear the poisoned tongue of self criticism, judgement, sadness?

Are there pets?  Are they happy?  Are they sad?   Are they fed?

Does it look like a home with a grateful soul?
Or want lists posted everywhere? Does it feel like the person who lives here has ‘enough’ or too much?

As I walked away, I smiled.     This home is far from perfect, and most of the belongings that fill it have been previously loved.   I see a warm glow that comes through the curtains, and a cat that’s probably purring while she lays sleeping on a chair cushion.  I see artwork that was painted with bright, beautiful, happy palettes, pictures of loved ones loved in their prime, smiling, happy, and just enough dog and cat hair on the floor to say, yup, those animals have a nice life, and so does the woman who lives here.   She has made a lovely home for herself, pleasing to the eye, and yet comfortable, welcoming.  Swags that were given to her by someone she loves, belongings that have little monetary value and much sentimental.    Colors that offer soothing feelings, and a studio that is occupied and utilized daily.

In short, I see my “true colors” shining through.   And that?  Makes me a happy woman tonight.    Happy and very grateful for who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.

So now I’m closing the shades and shutting out the world, it’s time for my girls and I to cuddle and snuggle, and enjoy the plush comforter that will soon touching my skin, echoing my body.    I am a very fortunate woman, indeed.

 

 

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Aside

This blog is based purely on thoughts, feelings, emotions…reflections

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Seventeen years ago tonight I had an extraordinary experience that shifted the course of my life.  It is said, when you die your life flashes before your eyes, I know this to be true.  33 years of life experiences (many of which I wouldn’t give a second thought to) appeared and departed with a nimbleness I could never believably describe. Tears that were shed, bruises and scars that were hidden below flesh and bone, kind gestures, smiles and more disclosed its relevance. My life, my purpose was playing out like a movie script, each clip taking with it the heaviness that had once filled my chest until my soul was free. A peacefulness, acceptance blanketed over me, weightless, knowing. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

What happened that night? Roll your eyes if you must, I am hesitant to share because I never want my memory, my experience tainted. In an interview 30 years ago, Bob Dylan warned of sharing your visions, your inert knowledge with others as they will not only discourage you but also squash what you are being guided, lead to. How easily we allow others to influence us to dark shadows.

Seventeen years ago tonight a very kind, generous, caring, intelligent man came into my life. He would be the first man ever to caress my face, my hair. He would be the first man I ever allowed to look me in the eyes. No match to God, the energy that exuded from his hands was, however, positive. So there we were, two naked souls fully dressed. If I never saw him again, it wouldn’t have altered the depth of this experience. I repeat “If I never saw him again, it wouldn’t have altered the depth of this experience”. With absence of sexual play, the truth fell into the innocence of broken, busted souls. Hope… there is nothing quite like hope.

We spent many wonderful years together. We enjoyed each others company, laughed hardily, nurtured each other. No person can fill or complete another, two “halves” don’t make a whole, two wholes do.

I wish I could tell you that we lived happily ever after, that we grew old together but that wasn’t the case. I wish I could tell you that he is alive, well, and full of life. I wish, I wish, I wish. If only he would’ve placed those warm nurturing hands on himself.

Everyday I think of him. Everyday I miss him. The sadness of reality catches me off guard at times. I still sometimes shed tears, though the majority of the time now, I smile when I think of him. I can still see those big beautiful blue eyes looking back at mine, at times I feel his presence. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that powerful spiritual experience that taught me. As I cuddle up next to the fireplace, feeling the warm penetrating heat soothe my tired body, I think back on that night 17 years ago, I smile. I laugh at his antics, I smile at the memories, and I remind myself… Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason………………

17 years ago ….