If the past few weeks has taught me only one thing, it is that time waits for no one. I have some serious goals for myself, including getting the book I have been writing for years, done! So I am setting structure for myself. I will be painting, walking, writing each day.
I have always steered clear of structure. I guess I think if I don’t do it, I am a free agent and no one is telling me what to do. But doh! What if this is good for me? And I know it is, so get out of your own head and make it happen!!! (me to self)
Thoughts today have been on my mom. Missing her. Her Siberian Irises are in full bloom, as well as the Old Fashioned Bleeding Heart, and more. I talk to her when I am outside because that is where she spent the majority of time when she was here.
As true with any loss, if only we could have “one more” everything. I was fortunate to have her for so long, but it wasn’t long enough. And then a friend and I were walking our dogs and talking about how difficult it is when a parent dies. It really is so hard. The day after my mother died I woke up and the world was a different place for me. There is no other way to describe it. I felt vulnerable, because my biggest protector in life was no longer here. My girlfriend described it this way. When you have your family, your parents, it is like you have this safe house with loved ones. When a parent dies it is like the roof is blown off. I nodded. Vulnerability.
Those closest to me know how difficult the first year has been without her. Winter was hell. Also as true with loss is the painful reality that we feel on the first birthday, holiday, without them. The “firsts” of everything hurts. Sometimes I feel her essence and I am very grateful for this. Until you lose a parent, you will not fully grasp how hard it is. The day we lose my father will be a frightening day for me for several reasons. I pray it isn’t soon, but I also pray he will not suffer with this “Lewy Body Dementia” shit. But I know too much on it.
I have been thinking about life. You are raised, schooled, taught, and then you start your own life. You find a spouse, or significant others, and most will have their own families, children, and then grandchildren, etc. With this life you are constantly growing, learning, because there is no quicker way to learn than to teach something! I wasn’t able to have children. So my life has been different, but not bad. I believe in “What’s meant to be will be”. Children for me, was not meant to be. Have long since accepted that. But I have been active in my nephew and nieces life and always will be. They bring me much joy, they are entertaining, they are perfectly imperfect beings. I just love them. But they are busy with their own lives. As they should be!
A lot of my friends are single. A lot of my friends are childless. Many of us have furry kids. Lilly brings me much joy. It wasn’t that long ago I had two dogs and three cats. I used to say “Every single self employed artist needs five animals!” But truly, they were so important to me, and I was fortunate to have them, and had friends and my mom to help me here. My animals probably spent equal time with my mom when I travel taught. It was funny to see the “loyalty” shift back and forth.
With the exception of my australian shepherd “Brody”, all others were rescues. And it’s interesting when you rescue an animal, or so you think, and then you realize that they rescued YOU!! I had to put my cat Zoe down because she was sick and I didn’t have the money to get her treated. It has tortured me. I feel like I failed her, and while she lived 14-15 years, my other two cats were 19 when they died. Anyway, I prayed daily for them all to stay healthy (I had adopted them when I was in a relationship and we lived together). Little did I know Brody would outlive him!
Rambling, and that’s okay. Doesn’t matter if you are single, married, straight, gay, white, black, I hope you do have loved ones in your life. I hope you have experienced this. I believe there is only a couple things we take when you die… love and love! I hope when it is my turn, I will take with me much love. Peace to all reading this. xx