First I would like to apologize for the lack of sentence and paragraph structure. I’m not sure what I am doing wrong. Haven’t experienced this before and frankly, it’s annoying as hell!
I’m breathing in the signs that Spring is coming. I can see the top of my shed, my roof is actually snow and ice free, and wonderful, joyous mud is starting in my driveway. Give me a month and I’ll crab about mud, but at the moment, it makes me smile, breathe in deep, the warm air that promises new growth…Yes, Yes, Yes. Spring isn’t just a vague memory, it is a real event, and with it comes regrowth.
The past couple of days I have driven down my favorite back road,which I haven’t in months. It’s not a road you take in the Winter, well, that I take in the winter. It was nice to see the brook visible, the snow dissipating and receding. Yes, yes… Spring is coming soon.
I just finished agitating some wool purses and motifs that I made. It’s easy to do it in your washing machine but I prefer to boil water in the tea pots, put them in my sink, and stir and agitate with a wooden spoon. I like to watch the wool change into felt. It makes me smile to do this. Then why oh why, don’t I like doing my dishes in the sink? If truth be told, there are times that I do enjoy doing the dishes. The warm/hot water soothes my fingers and hands. My hands that have brought so much joy to me, have created so much, worked hard, and with whom I believe is one of my biggest assets.
I think sometime, what if… What if I can no longer use my hands? How would I create? Well, then I think it would be time to use new technology and pump out the book that I’ve so leisurely and haphazardly been working on for years. I think I do this, I take my time because then God will grant me more time, I will live longer, because from a young adult I’ve known I was supposed to write. Oh only a fool would think such. The only one that I am fooling is myself, and should I graduate tomorrow, what will my epitat be? “What a beautiful book she was going to write”.
Do you ever think about what your legacy will be? What will you leave behind when you are called home? I sat last night looking through pages of my artwork, smiling. I’m fairly hard on myself, I have had my therapist ban words from my vocabulary…. One being “the f word” and the other begins with an L. I started to panic when she told me I wasn’t allowed to use the f word”….. I can’t do it, NO! I cannot! Relief overcame me when she explained she was talking about “failure”. She was talking about “lazy”. Two words that I tag to my toe on dark days. I wonder, does everyone have dark days?
I used to be such a people person. I used to love to go to parties, social events. Now? Not so much. And that is okay. The key here is to find balance. To find enough visibility and purpose to hop over the line of isolation into life.
I remember when I worked at a nuclear plant in the 80’s. I did very well for myself, two promotions in two years. Funny, as I think about it now, I was often criticized for not being able to stay with one job. I was good for about 3 years and then I was bouncing all over the place. It was when I went into business for myself that I found longevity. But I digress. There was a Meyer-Briggs personality test that many of us took “Myers Briggs Personality Test”. Among-st nuclear operators, geniuses, the majority fell into the category of “ISTJ” (Introvert, Sensing, Thinking, Judgement). It’s an interesting test, and if you want to take it I believe it is available free online. Based on Carl Jung’s work. Anyway, as the instructor shared how many of each of us fell into each category, he saved one for last. “And now we have one ENFP! Can anyone tell me who that is? With that many eyes glanced over to me, laughter ensued. “What does that mean Irv?”, I asked him. “It means you don’t belong in a nuclear power plant!” (Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perception)…..http://personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
Have long since taken the test and the “e” has slid into “i”, though I believe that was the only think that changed.
Well, what a bumpy blog, eh? Not feeling like I made much sense, but then, do I ever?
Have yourself a great day! xo
ps…. The inability to stay in a job longer than 3 years has since been diagnosed as ADHD!
pss… I cannot imagine my life without creativity, music.