As I type this I feel a cool breeze flowing through my hair [what am I eating?]… and see the white crap piling up outside. If this keeps up I’m going to have to quit claim my house over to the guy who plows me out. Should probably feed him, he’s been here so frequently lately.
It took me an hour and a half to get home. Normally this would take 15 minutes. I must say, however, that I didn’t come across any twirps who go 90 mph because they have 4wd and think they’re untouchable. Reminds me of a sad day for me when I left my sisters. There was a hell of a snowstorm. I was crying, not knowing if I would see her again, her life was coming to close. Around the corner passing me, which was surely a double solid line but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt… the roads were totally covered with snow…a guy in this BMW SUV with the license plate “STYLIN” . I just shook my head, continued creeping slowly for safety. Around the next corner there was Mr. “Stylin”, upside down in the opposite lane. He be styling alright! I think the only thing that got hurt was his pride, his ego. I have seen this scenario many times. I have 4 wheel drive, and I am not exempt from ice. The trick is I KNOW that!
The weatherman got the 100% chance of snow right today, though the accumulation of only an inch was hogwash. ENOUGH SNOW ALREADY! It is below freezing too. Just not a good mix. Because the snow plow took out my mailbox I have to pick it up at the post office. I didn’t stop today, too dangerous to try to get out of there. Visibility stinks and its at a 4 way intersection.
When the hell is groundhog day, anyway?
Conquering my past. This was discussed today in therapy. I never looked at what I was doing this way. When my therapist said that I smiled.. Yeah… Yeah! I’m conquering my past. It is no longer holding me hostage. Well, the majority of the time. I have good days and bad, like everyone else. Everyday I think of my sisters, Jim. Everyday I miss them. Sometimes the reality of their passing can drop me to my knees. I “forget” so to speak. It’s sort of like that as a breast cancer survivor, too. I sometimes am “shocked” to the reality that I had breast cancer. I do not dwell on this, but one day I was calling Mass General Hospital Cancer Center and when they answered the phone stating such, it smacked me, too, across the face. How many women have I known and lost to breast cancer? How many woman have I loved and lost to breast cancer? Another time I was heading to radiology at the hospital from my primary care providers. It’s all in the same area, just different buildings. As I was walking over I glanced at the form my pcp had given me for admissions. On the form was a “suspected diagnosis” or whatever it is for insurance purposes. It read “breast cancer metastasis. Talk about a reality check.
I learned last week that another childhood friend passed of breast cancer. She was 5 years younger than me. All too green are the memories of family members and their own bouts with cancer. In my family we have two gene mutations. BRCA2+ and HNPC (Lynch Syndrome). Every member of my immediate family has had cancer. most 2 different cancers. Two of my three sisters have died of Ovarian Cancer, my youngest and my oldest. Prevalent. I made it to 47 before diagnosis. Always green are the difficult memories of treatment, mostly for my sisters. My own diagnosis wasn’t nearly as threatening as theirs. I guess it’s because I felt like I had some semblance, some control over my own.
As I was driving home today I talked to my sister. I do this a lot. Her passing at 38, 10 months from the date of her diagnosis, was one of the most difficult times of my life. At times it still can be. We were a year and a half apart, close. Some days I’m confident that I will see her, feel her again, other days not so much. Those are the days that are the hardest.
Loss, so frigan hard. The toughest terrain I have ever walked in my life. It seems every day one of my facebook friends has lost someone important..parent, child, sibling, spouse. Every time I read one of these posts I try to leave validating words. I know too well there is nothing I can do or say that will take away their pain. There are some things that I could say callously that will cause further pain for them. Knowing the difference is key. Even after so much loss, I still have the potential to say something stupid, but that is about me. I want to walk away knowing I’ve in some way helped them, and know too well, cannot do so. Yes, we can be kind, validating, help them by sitting quietly with them, letting them sit silently or talk. The first few months are such a shock. I know I wasn’t “right” when grieving. It’s another whole mind onset. There is little clarity, a heavy broken heart, and static that keeps my soul restless, in pain. But I digress.
I guess I started talking about this because of the topic of “conquering my past”. Loss is a painful part of my past. One would think it would get easier with each passing. It doesn’t. I think time teaches us how to coexist with the pain, the reality, the loss. There will not be a day in my life where I don’t think of those I’ve loved, those that I lost. I still talk to them like the crazy old woman who others see as talking to themselves. I’ve been around enough to know that this isn’t it. But in the meantime it just doesn’t seem to be “enough”, walking through life without them.
With each past painful thing I release I am freer. It loosens up my life or death grip of the memories and sets me free to remember the better times. Death is such an abstract event. Such is life, such is life. I remind myself how fortunate I am to still have my parents, to still have my remaining two siblings, and so many other family members and friends. It really is all about the present moment. If I’m clinging to my past I am not in my present moment. Sometimes it’s just too painful.
I fool myself sometimes. I think “I have plenty of time to finish my book”. Reality is, I don’t know that. None of us do. In a warped sort of way I think by procrastinating I will live longer, as if to escape the deuce. Not true.
Now I shall go enjoy my afternoon. I will stop moaning about the weather, release the thoughts and feelings that make my chest feel like a tightened up, clenched hand, and try to bask in the positive. There is much in my life to be positive about.
I remember when my youngest sister died, I thought “How do I stop loving this person?” Hindsight is always 20/20. You don’t. It’s amazing that even through their absence, the love continues to grow. It’s actually quite beautiful. Have a blessed day, thanks for taking your precious time to read this blog…time is our most precious commodity. When I am sick I am frustrated, thinking “I wasted another day”. I have to remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.