Tag Archives: new england weather

Time is the answer to all of this crime….

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As I type this I feel a cool breeze flowing through my hair [what am I eating?]… and see the white crap piling up outside.   If this keeps up I’m going to have to quit claim my house over to the guy who plows me out.    Should probably feed him, he’s been here so frequently lately.

It took me an hour and a half to get home.  Normally this would take 15 minutes.   I must say, however, that I didn’t come across any twirps who go 90 mph because they have 4wd and think they’re untouchable.  Reminds me of a sad day for me when I left my sisters.   There was a hell of a snowstorm.  I was crying, not knowing if I would see her again, her life was coming to close.    Around the corner passing me, which was surely a double solid line but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt… the roads were totally covered with snow…a guy in this BMW SUV with the license plate “STYLIN” .     I just shook my head, continued creeping slowly for safety.  Around the next corner there was Mr. “Stylin”, upside down in the opposite lane.    He be styling alright!   I think the only thing that got hurt was his pride, his ego.  I have seen this scenario many times.  I have 4 wheel drive, and I am not exempt from ice.  The trick is I KNOW that!

The weatherman got the 100% chance of snow right today, though the accumulation of only an inch was hogwash.  ENOUGH SNOW ALREADY!   It is below freezing too.     Just not a good mix.   Because the snow plow took out my mailbox I have to pick it up at the post office.  I didn’t stop today, too dangerous to try to get out of there.  Visibility stinks and its at a 4 way intersection.

When the hell is groundhog day, anyway?

Conquering my past.   This was discussed today in therapy.   I never looked at what I was doing this way.  When my therapist said that I smiled.. Yeah… Yeah!   I’m conquering my past.  It is no longer holding me hostage.  Well, the majority of the time.    I have good days and bad, like everyone else.  Everyday I think of my sisters, Jim.  Everyday I miss them.  Sometimes the reality of their passing can drop me to my knees.   I “forget” so to speak.   It’s sort of like that as a breast cancer survivor, too.    I sometimes am “shocked” to the reality that I had breast cancer.  I do not dwell on this, but one day I was calling Mass General Hospital Cancer Center and when they answered the phone stating such, it smacked me, too, across the face.  How many women have I known and lost to breast cancer?  How many woman have I loved and lost to breast cancer?   Another time I was heading to radiology at the hospital from my primary care providers.  It’s all in the same area, just different buildings.  As I was walking over I glanced at the form my pcp had given me for admissions.   On the form was a “suspected diagnosis” or whatever it is for insurance purposes.   It read “breast cancer metastasis.  Talk about a reality check.

I learned last week that another childhood friend passed of breast cancer.  She was 5 years younger than me.   All too green are the memories of family members and their own bouts with cancer.   In my family we have two gene mutations.  BRCA2+ and HNPC (Lynch Syndrome).  Every member of my immediate family has had cancer. most 2 different cancers.  Two of my three sisters have died of Ovarian Cancer, my youngest and my oldest.  Prevalent.   I made it to 47 before diagnosis.    Always green are the difficult memories of treatment, mostly for my sisters.  My own diagnosis wasn’t nearly as threatening as theirs.  I guess it’s because I felt like I had some semblance, some control over my own.

As I was driving home today I talked to my sister.  I do this a lot.   Her passing at 38, 10 months from the date of her diagnosis, was one of the most difficult times of my life.  At times it still can be.   We were a year and a half apart, close.   Some days I’m confident that I will see her, feel her again, other days not so much.  Those are the days that are the hardest.

Loss, so frigan hard.  The toughest terrain I have ever walked in my life.  It seems every day one of my facebook friends has lost someone important..parent, child, sibling, spouse.  Every time I read one of these posts I try to leave validating words.   I know too well there is nothing I can do or say that will take away their pain.  There are some things that I could say callously that will cause further pain for them.  Knowing the difference is key.  Even after so much loss, I still have the potential to say something stupid, but that is about me.  I want to walk away knowing I’ve in some way helped them, and know too well, cannot do so.  Yes, we can be kind, validating, help them by sitting quietly with them, letting them sit silently or talk.   The first few months are such a shock.    I know I wasn’t “right” when grieving.   It’s another whole mind onset.   There is little clarity, a heavy broken heart, and static that keeps my soul restless, in pain.   But I digress.

I guess I started talking about this because of the topic of “conquering my past”.  Loss is a painful part of my past.  One would think it would get easier with each passing.   It doesn’t.   I think time teaches us how to coexist with the pain, the reality, the loss.   There will not be a day in my life where I don’t think of those I’ve loved, those that I lost.  I still talk to them like the crazy old woman who others see as talking to themselves.   I’ve been around enough to know that this isn’t it.  But in the meantime it just doesn’t seem to be “enough”, walking through life without them.

With each past painful thing I release I am freer.   It loosens up my life or death grip of the memories and sets me free to remember the better times.   Death is such an abstract event.   Such is life, such is life.  I remind myself how fortunate I am to still have my parents, to still have my remaining two siblings, and so many other family members and friends.    It really is all about the present moment.  If I’m clinging to my past I am not in my present moment.  Sometimes it’s just too painful.

I fool myself sometimes.   I think “I have plenty of time to finish my book”.  Reality is, I don’t know that.  None of us do.   In a warped sort of way I think by procrastinating I will live longer, as if to escape the deuce.  Not true.

Now I shall go enjoy my afternoon.  I will stop moaning about the weather, release the thoughts and feelings that make my chest feel like a tightened up, clenched hand, and try to bask in the positive.   There is much in my life to be positive about.

I remember when my youngest sister died, I thought “How do I stop loving this person?”  Hindsight is always 20/20.  You don’t.  It’s amazing that even through their absence, the love continues to grow.  It’s actually quite beautiful.     Have a blessed day, thanks for taking your precious time to read this blog…time is our most precious commodity.  When I am sick I am frustrated, thinking “I wasted another day”.   I have to remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.

♥♥♥

I

Cold inside [head] and outside

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Today’s lesson:   It pays to keep my house organized, go grocery shopping regularly because I am not caught short if I come down sick, but quick

Today’s gratitude:   Vick’s Vapo Steam, Vick’s Vapo Steam, Vick’s Vapo Steam

So, I dialed the number….  “Hello”….. “hello”……’hello?……”Hello”……”hello”….. “DONNA?”   “yes”…. “Oh my god you sound like a man!”  I gently reach down between my legs …. “Nope, still a woman!”

I’ve slept again all day, this time with the vaporizer blasting smelly stuff into the air.  What a difference that has made!   I’ll spare you the details from the salt water rinses and share with you the success I have had with Vick’s Steam stuff.    Seriously, good stuff.   I used to get the generic brand but no longer.  It is worth the extra dollar for this.

Even with the barrage of animals being chased up and over my bed from the mischievous Sophie, I was able to get some quality rest.   This dog has come into this house like a “hurricane a comin!”      In the past two days she has managed to open and eat the entire “Mega Mega pack” of cat treats, chewed the cord off my new computer (which was unplugged so I could clean the rug) and chomped on a cushion of my couch which I caught her instantly so there was little damage.  Still, I have waited 10 years for a new living room set.   Though used, you would never know it, and I love how comfortable it is and how it looks in the room.    Now she is treading on VERY thin ice!  The printer a friend bought me, which I have had absolutely no problems with it, and it has made my life/job so much easier.   I have yet to accept this one.    She also has managed to jump up and eat the cat food which is currently on the island because I just don’t know where else to feed them.  She knows how to open the cellar door and does so every few hours and runs around down there.  Not sure exactly what she’s doing but I’m about to find out as I make my way with this big head down to change the kitty litter.  May the force be with me!   She is certainly more work than I wanted, with that said I am not saying this isn’t good for me.  At the moment she is barking ferociously at who knows what.    I think she might have seen the squirrel that’s hanging around in the cellar/walls because the last trip down she went ballistic barking.  Maybe she’ll scare it right out of the place!

With the area rug in my art room still cropped up (it seems I’m cleaning it every day), I know if I can’t get over to get the crate soon, I will end up killing this dog.   I am, of course, a blow hard because I barely have enough energy to come down a flight of stairs to feed the little shits!

Not much to talk about today.  I have a lot of gratitude that I am safe from the cold, have a comfortable bed to rest in, and a vaporizer that I think I just may ask to marry!    Plenty of soup, animal food in the house, juice…for an unplanned cold it surely feels like I expected it given all the supplies on hand.   Gift!  Such a gift!

Well, I’m off to the cellar, wish me luck.   I’m almost afraid of what I will find down there but if I don’t get down there today my cats will disown me, or worse…

PS  Back from the cellar.    All I will say is her food intake is being cut IN HALF!

Stay healthy !   This cold’s a bitch!

Today’s Artwork:    “King of the barn!” Chicken

It’s okay to ask for help

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Today’s Lesson: It is okay to ask others for help when I need it.

Gratitude: Today I am grateful that I am not in a wheelchair, have the need to use a cane, basically that I have mobility

We are having crappy weather here in New England, rain, rain, rain.  A cold spell is forthcoming.  Today my pain levels have been high 7 to 8.    I’ve been near tears, okay so I’m a baby and I did let a few drop.    I managed to get out, go to therapy and get several things done.  Annoyed by some things I’m not going to mention them to give them power over my thoughts.

Last night I watched a program with Oprah and John (?).    He was speaking of resistance.    He said there is a universal natural force that puts resistance in our path when we need to make changes, do things we don’t want to do and most importantly, the things that we know we are supposed to do, to achieve the most out of our lives.    Ask someone their purpose, what their gift is, he believes that the majority of people know what they’re purpose, I’m not phrasing that right…. What their talent, their gift is…  I believe I do.    I think some peoples life purpose is to make our lives miserable!   Kidding.   Anyhow…   The MORE IMPORTANT the change, the action, the MORE RESISTANCE we will feel.

This is freeing in that I beat the crap out of myself for not being motivated, for procrastinating, for dragging feet even though I know whatever it is will be good for me, rear me positive quality of life results.    Also this resistance leads us to “I’m not good enough, I can’t do this… yada yada yada”.   I am going to try to remember this when it comes up tomorrow, because it will.    Interesting way to look at things.

As I said earlier, my pain levels are very high today, they have been for a few days but today beyond norms and what I can live with without being a total bitch.   I knew I didn’t have it in me to shovel the other day, frankly I haven’t yet.  I did my front walkway once, and that wasn’t the smartest thing I could do.   Thinking about it, pondering what to do, because this is the first year that I have been unable to do this myself, what am I going to do???    I asked my very kind neighbors for help.    Joe came down, as soon as they received the message, which was dark, and did my walkways for me.   I was so relieved, and so very grateful.    It is so nice to have neighbors that are willing to give a helping hand.  I am so very grateful.

I shall now slip into my jams and bundle up with a blanket on the couch with my legs elevated.   I hope there is something decent on television but I’m not holding my breath!

Hope you had a great day, Midwest has been slammed with extremely cold weather.  My girlfriend in Omaha said it was awful and we both thought about the animals that would be left outside….

Today’s artwork is called “Tea Box”   It is the perfect size to hold your favorite tea bags.  Instructional packet is available.

teabox

It’s a baked bean sort of day

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Day/Lesson #2:    In the event of confrontation, maintain a composure of pleasantries, you may just get what you desire and sooner!”

Today was a leisurely day, knowing that it was snowing outside, I had no where to go.  But that doesn’t mean I had nothing to do!  I actually have accomplished quite a bit, to which I’m pleased.   As I felt my tummy grumble I wondered what I had to eat…Well as luck would have it I found a can of Bush’s Baked Beans!   Yummy!  Now they aren’t nearly as good as my mom’s homemade beans, but they will do in a pinch, and are more welcomed on a cold wintry day like today.

untitled (20)I thoroughly enjoyed a bowl full, and then kindly offered an invite to all my facebook friends to come visit me, sit with me tonight.   Hey, I’m a friendly kind of gal!   I remember my mother telling us she put “pineapples” in the baked beans.   Of course we asked “What on earth for?”   “It makes Hawaiian music!untitled (19)

This afternoon I still had not had an oil delivery.  I knew the 10 gallons they put in last night would not last long in this cold, so I called.   “We left you a message”.    I have no doubt they did.  I am awful when it comes to checking my phone messages, mostly because I really don’t like the phone!   “We did an emergency delivery of 10 gallons to you last night, on New Years Day, it is $120 an hour, plus the cost of the fuel.  Our serviceman drove an hour one way to deliver this for you so I wanted to make you aware that you already have a balance due to us of $280”.     I am clenching my jaw.  “You should also know that you will need to prepay for the tank of oil you want delivered which will cost you quite a chunk more”.    Now I’m clenching my jaw and tapping my foot/leg.  I am picturing this man with his shirt buttoned up to this collar, a pencil pocket protector and coke bottle glasses.      Visualizing a scene right out of the movie “Animal House” I can picture the angel on my right should said “Donna, be kind, and pleasant.  You will get further and quicker than if you let that flippant tongue of yours fire off”.    I grumble.  On my left shoulder is my ego, fists clenched urging me to fight  “You tell that son-of-a-bitch to check with accounting and see how much money they have sitting their for my prepaid fuel!!!!  No one is going to treat me this way, or to talk to me in a condescending manner…. “It will cost you quite a chunk more.  [to have them delivery a full tank].   Do you think that I am an idiot?  That I don’t know the cost of fuel oil?”, said in a very nasty childlike tone.    I let him repeat again, his whole speech.     By now I’m holding my jaw shut physically with my hands……   I let him do his speel once more and then I say “May I speak now?”   “Of course Mrs. Scully”.    Again the ego on my left shoulder is saying “DONT CALL ME MRS SCULLY, I”M NOT A MRS”….   “Well, Russ, have you checked with your accounting to see if I had prepaid?”   “Well, no, I just looked it up on my computer and your last delivery was April 2013, you are not on auto delivery, you are “call as needed”.     The angel, now stroking my cheek and hair “Remember Donna, count to 10, we want the world to see the kind you!”   I grumble again as I picture her looking like the good witch in The Wizard of Oz.   “Sir, I have been a customer of the company you bought out for 15 years, there is $1,000 prepaid in one of your bank accounts for such, I would appreciate your checking into this further”.   He then begins to repeat once more what he has already shared twice…. I swallow hard and softly interrupt “I understand what you are saying, I could certainly understand why you would not want to deliver fuel until it was paid, now would you please check with accounting regarding this matter”.   I’m taking in deep breaths now, as he reiterates I currently owe him $280 for the emergency delivery.   “I have not been on “call as needed for years, do you think that I would not pay attention to my oil if I were?”   “Well ma’am (I want to smack the shit out of him for saying that), I will check into this and call you back.”   “Thank you” I said, while visualizing vomiting it out.

A few minutes later the phone rings…. My Goodness, what a surprise!   It’s my oil company!   “Ms. Scully?”  On the defensive, waiting to hear what they are going to say about this, and the “$280 bill I now have outstanding” (again said in a childish pitch)  “We will have a delivery to your house this afternoon.  It will not be for a couple of hours, as we have no one available to deliver at this moment, but I assure you it will be today”.   I croak out “Thank you, and now about the emergency delivery charge?”  “Oh, never mind that, you do not owe us anything for that!”  said like they were doing me a favor.    2 hours later my tank was full.

I sometimes do not understand or can grasp how intimidating I can sound when I feel backed into a corner.  I come out with both barrels loaded and a tongue that is ready to spew venom (That is for you, Chris!).   I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad because of the manner in which I spoke… (okay, well that one time doesn’t count!)   I walk into the kitchen, pour myself a cup of milk and am pleased with myself for how behaved and courteous I was.  It damn near killed me!   Progress, progress my dear.

We got about a foot of snow last night/today.   There is about 3″ still on my driveway which came after my plow guy came.   My sweet little Lilly (a terrier mix 20lb dog that I rescued from across the road 2 years ago) refuses to go out in the snow.   Hence the walkways need to be shoveled before her majesty will go do her business. untitled (21) So I put on my boots and coat, carry her out to the driveway and set her down.   She still wouldn’t move…. there is still loose snow!    I again use my kind patient voice attempting to persuade her to go so that I won’t have to do this again for a few hours.    She stands still.   I start to walk back in, following the tracks I made upon walking out…no Lilly.   I keep walking, calling her name, no Lilly.   I finally turned around to call her, she stood there, in the same position staring at me as if to say “Ain’t no way I’m walking through that stuff momma!”     I trudge back to the driveway, pick her up and bring her back inside.   A princess, I have myself a little princess!   I made her a raspberry colored sweater this past Fall because she has very little fur (unlike my Australian shepherd use to), I guess I’ll attempt wool socks as well!

Off to do the next round of dishes.   Guess that is not only a statement but a confessional!   Happy January 2nd! I’m off to scout around in my cupboards for Beano!

Today’s artwork is entitled “Simplicity” and is available for instructional pattern packet.

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Cccchilly and hey, might as well eat chile!

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Munching on a taco salad with hot sauce, I am once again reminded of the advantages of living alone!

It’s chilly today, 50 degrees.   I have vowed to not turn the furnace on until November…we shall see.  I could walk around wrapped in my electric blanket, with extension cords!  Nah, I’m a klutz, I will surely trip on them and hurt myself.

I’m feeling much better than I was yesterday, very happy for that.  I also saw a guy bent over, wearing carhartts, his butt facing  me.  What a treat, and the shortest red light I have ever sat at

!  At night I can hear the cold settling into my house.  Creaks, cracks.  I have learned not to worry about the cracks in the walls at winter time, they seem to close themselves back up in spring/summer.

Todays thoughts are on slippers…this year I may invest in a good pair of slippers.  Every year I spent $15 on a pair, which are worn out come the end of Spring.  I wear them to the mailbox, in fact I wear them most of the time, and have, on occasion caught myself wearing them into town!   Oh, I miss my mind at times.   This afternoon I went to therapy.   As I was there I looked down at my sleeve, it was covered in paint, then I looked down at my chest.  My favorite “Vermont” sweatshirt that I paint in, wipe my brush on, I apparently wasn’t thinking when I got dressed.  Oh well, at least I and it was clean.  

Speaking of wearing things out in public, I snapped a picture with my iphone, have to check to see if it came out.  This teenage boy was wearing a parka with fur around its neck, and his cream colored pants were at his knees.  I mean, at his knees.  I sat at the stop sign watching, in awe, of the muscles that kid must have in his legs to hold up the pants and walk at the same time.    Amazing, indeed.

I have a picture of an old barn in winter that I found the perfect frame for at a thrift shop.  It’s piece together barn board..we’re talking rustic, beautiful!  I am excited about this.

Have also been giving thought to what makes me happy, what I think is fun.   I differ so much from my siblings and most of my friends here, not all, but most.   I love to create.  Whether I am painting, writing, drawing, designing jewelry, decorating, floral designs, I am at my happiest.  The large majority of this I do alone.   I had fun when my family came up in September to visit, so I know I’m not a recluse.   I enjoy watching a movie, or should I say, listening to one?  I have a hard time sitting still without having my hands busy, and its not proper to pick your nose….     🙂

Off to go put lavish my bed with my electric blanket, get the fireplace going, find some wool socks (they all have holes.  Every year my kid sister would buy me a couple pair of LLBean wool socks.  I sure do miss that. Oh the wonders of wool!  Just last year I had to let go of the last pair she gave me.  I did so with a frown on my face), and???   chip away at my honey do it yourself list.  Lots to do to get this old house ready for wintah.    Like getting my air conditioners out of the windows!

How come soda or water doesn’t seem like much in its container unless you accidentally dump it on yourself or your desk?  Then it feels like a full reservoir of it!     Have a good one!

Country living…critters!

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Another picture perfect day here in New England.  Before I get started on work, I take a leisurely ride on back roads.  Today I saw a wild turkey, a dog and cat laying in the road (dirt road) and one would think I was driving in Boston.  Getting in and out of Brattleboro today was, to say the least, frustrating.  Lilly likes the back roads too.   I’m so proud of her, the way she has moved forward since Brody passed.   She was one broken little girl for several months.

My morning started looking for my readers.  Well, for a change they weren’t on my head, but on my nose!   Ain’t aging fun?  I have learned to laugh at the strange and sometimes downright stupid things I do.

The flea situation is under control but now I have a family of squirrels in my cellar.  Let me tell you, they make some major noises.  When my girlfriend was here she was freaking out that there was something down there.  When I decided to go down and check she was impressed with my “courage”.  I had to laugh.  When I got down there I saw some fairly large, what appeared to be, forgive me, “turds”.  I decided then to go back upstairs!    As it turns out, they are chestnuts from the tree outside.  Yep, these squirrels are thrilled with their new digs…. HELP!

I am having a creative streak so my house, if seen by the Board of Health, would be condemned by the Board of Health!  Mostly the dishes that are piling up.   Perhaps my mom will visit, she just can’t stand to look at dishes in a sink, so that will take care of that mess!   Ahhh creativity.

I’m off to go finish up a couple paintings…Last night the piece I was working on I thought was awful.   I took my own advice that I tell students, put it aside and went to bed.  This morning I not only thought it wasn’t bad, but I liked it!  Sort of like life, and how sometimes I start my day over.  Sometimes I nap and then start it over.    Things never seem to look as bad once I’ve gotten some rest.  “Fatigue makes cowards out of all of us”. – Um, forgot… Winston Churchill?

 

Blue skies smiling at me!

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Crisp fall air, blue skies… soon we will be hearing the Canada geese honking, letting us know that Fall is over.  Where did summer go?  It’s time to put away the yellow polka dot bikinis, the sundresses (I wear shorts through mid October… being the rebel that I am!)

As summer draws to a close we enter my favorite season, Fall.  So vivid the colors of the foliage, the mums, pumpkins… combined with the aesthetics of the coolness on your skin, the weight of the clothes… I’m smiling.  This is as far into tomorrow as I will go.

Crisp fall air, blue skies…. soon we will be hearing the canada geese honking….