For the last week my mind and spirit have been hijacked by the powerful entity of fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. It invaded my brain, and then quickly took over what seemed to be my soul, leaving me reaching out to anything that I could hold onto.
I’m not shy to talk about my mental illlness, I do so in hopes of helping another, because when all is said and done, I know I’m not alone here. But I am always leery about sharing too much, because people do treat you differently. It’s a hard fact. The talons of mental illness are sometimes ignored, and certainly mistreated, some due to ignorance, and others? Fear!
The grip this trip was treacherous. And I didn’t help myself by reaching out to another until last night when others reached out to me. Oh how potent a secret battle that carries its venom best when we are in isolation from the world.
My anxiety and fears are very real. And I haven’t experienced this intensity of anxiety in years. I will admit tonight, I should have been in a hospital, getting help, but after how many years in therapy, what else is there to say? I recall a House, MD episode where he walks out of his therapy session and says “You don’t have any answers”.
What amazes me this evening, as I sit here writing this blog, is where my mind was just mere hours ago. Nothing has changed in my setting, nothing has changed in my reality, except that I did, with the help of many cherished prayers and encouragement from friends, face my fears today. Tonight I am exhausted, worn like an old penny, and while my anxiety is there, I’m practicing letting it be, letting the anxiety reveal itself, and trying everything I know not to feed it or let it overpower me again. Feeding it got me into a full fledge panic attack earlier, where I was grasping for breath, sweat pouring off me, and had to sit with my head in my hands for several minutes because I was borderline passing out. Yes, that awful place I’ve known a few times before. If you’ve never encountered such, I am both happy and envious of you.
My ditzy little old cat has stayed by my side for days. Mommy wasn’t healthy, and her steadiness and loyalty clings to my heart.
I really don’t care to share anymore tonight. As I said earlier, I’m spent, and I’m hoping that with meds I will be gifted with a good nights sleep. Rest assured I will be on my knees tonight praying that I do not wake up like I have the past couple mornings. But in case I do, I need a plan. So I’m working on a little “cheat sheet” note to myself for morning. And this blog serves as a reminder to my saner, calmer self and conscience.
Earlier I sat down, with John Denver ( my roots) playing in the background, and started painting a small daisy. Something cheery, something positive before I retire. Revisiting “Let it Be” was what I needed. I closed my eyes and let the music take me where I needed to go. To the many dark places I’ve survived in my life, and that this? This I’m determined will not have extended stay. I cannot afford it, physically, mentally, spiritually.
I welcome your prayers, positive energy over the next few weeks as I find my way through this “episode” for lack of a better word.
My greatest wish for myself, and for all, for that matter, in not wealth, but peace. I welcome it’s return, and will strive to achieve it and then hold onto it. Peace.
Peace to you, too.