Tag Archives: major depression

Reviewing processes

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The past few weeks I’ve been reflecting and dissecting what I would like to do with the rest of my life.  What do I like?  What don’t I like?  What are my dreams?  Are they feasible?  What are my needs?   I’ve also been writing up a business plan for myself, which in itself has been a very interesting journey.  I’ve changed it three times.

I’ve also participated for two days (another four to go) in an art challenge to post pics of my art on my facebook page for six days.  This, too, has been an interesting process.   I’m reviewing photos that I have, which aren’t exactly organized like someone dominantly left brained would do, but I’m only 25% there, so I’m giving myself a break!

4-5 years ago my life came to a crashing halt.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to paint, write, and was incapable of making any decisions for myself.   Fortunately my strong mother jumped in and helped, and after hospitalization for two weeks, I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression.  This was not the first time, but the fourth.  I must say to you, it’s been hell trying to come back from it.

Why do I mention such a personal thing?  Because I’m an idiot!   🙂   Most people do not confess such, because of the stigma attached to mental illness.  I want others to know who are suffering with such, it’s okay, you’re not a freak, you aren’t crazy, you are sick, and encourage you to get help.  For me it meant some serious psychological drugs, many therapy sessions, a lot of writing, a lot more of praying.  It is still a monkey on my back, but I am learning, everyday to replace the negative talk in my head.  Some days I’m successful with this, some days not.

Back to the art challenge, as I’m surfing through pages of photos of my artwork, which also have pics of other aspects of my life, love, marriage, breast cancer, family, friends, pets, artwork, gardens, etc… I must say, I feel good about things that I have accomplished in my life.  In spite of the crap that came rolling into it, I’m still standing, and there are days, still, too many, that it’s very hard for me to get out of bed and face the day.   But it was nice to see things I’ve done, the magazines my artwork and needlecraft designs were in, interviews with me as a visual artist, and a fiber artist.  I even had artwork on the cover of magazines I think twice.  How quickly these accomplishments fall by the way side when you’re looking at it through the dark eyes of depression.

So, I’m feeling a bit chipper tonight, painted a little bit today.  Plan to spend a few hours tomorrow doing the same.   We are supposedly having an arctic cold blast this weekend.  I’ve stocked up on the necessities, my mom is here visiting for the weekend.  If I don’t kill her, by the time Monday comes around I should be in good shape! 🙂

The message today is… Hang on.   Hang strong.   Celebrate the good days, and do all you can to survive the bad.   It may be worth your while to dive into some pictures yourself.

Sending you peace and love

 

 

 

Lucille Ball or Donna Bawl?

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Though last night was a difficult night, and sleep was not part of my vocabulary, I had a wonderful morning.  A friend called and said “get dressed, I’ll be down in 20 minutes with the dogs, we’re going for a walk”… and so started my morning.  It was really nice.  We walked on a trail that we used to years ago, when our dogs were much younger!  I have to say, I think I’m in better shape now than I was then because I didn’t do a lot of huffing and puffing.

Following that, however, I was sorting through some stuff and found pictures of happier times, and that triggered in me another crying bender that I think lasted 3 hours.    The kind of crying that you cannot catch your breath in between, and when snot takes over!  I do think, however, that crying is good, it can be a cleansing.

I have been collecting paperwork and medical files for the purpose of disability (my doctors at the psych hospital all assumed I was already on it)… Upon reading notes from therapists, that made me even sadder.  My thoughts, my feelings of these notes also made me cry.   I am not depressed everyday of my life, but I have been the larger majority of the past few years.   In therapy I’m learning how to divert my thoughts, my feelings and stick and choose happier things to think about, but hey… sometimes life is hard and your pain cannot be masked (nor do I think it should be)…

I want to thank you all for prayers, and for my friends who have gone above and beyond to help me through this difficult time.   Thank you, my cup runneth over…. but then of course I’m crying because of that too!  I told a friend tonight via fb that I’m not crying for the dead bugs (ladybug imposters) on the ground….  Good grief!

I’ll be heading to bed early tonight.  I was happy to think I could sleep in tomorrow and hide , then I realized, nope…  I have outpatient therapy all day M-F…   oy.

Thank you all once again for your continued prayers and outpouring of concern.  I cannot tell you how much that means to me during this difficult time.     xx