I have been a bit insane the past few hours. No, not a Hannibal Lechter persona, but too much sugar, overly stimulated and obnoxiously enthusiastic. Let me tell you, it really doesn’t make for a great mix.
But what I want to talk about tonight isn’t how crazy I can get, but how I have grown, even around the crazies. For one, I can sit back, look at my behavior and feel whatever it is I am feeling, and sit with those feelings. For example, when I realize I’ve been a bit tattered, I recognize that. And then the “frantic” thinking comes in, how I have to fix, fix, fix whatever it was that I think I did so wrong, or who I offended. I keep my hands busy as I work my way through the emotions of the moment, not an easy task for a right brained outrageously over sensitive soul! Then somewhere, in its own time, I forgive myself, I acknowledge what it is that I need to do, many times an apology is in order, but in apologizing, I am not beating myself up, nor am I painting myself as a crazy person or add unnecessary drama to an already cluttered scene. Once I have calmed myself, I simply apologize for my actions, or reactions, or obnoxious enthusiasm that others sometimes put up defense to.
Sometimes it takes me a while to write the apology, because it has to be sincere, and while I always taint whatever it is I am doing with humor, (and sometimes displaced humor) I am being altruistic with my apology and sense of humor. Humor that many may think is dark, perverse, or thwarted towards that “insanity” thing again! But I swear to you, humor is one, if not THE BIGGEST tool I have in life. There really isn’t too much I cannot find humor in, and I surround myself with friends who “get me”, and love me just as I am… imperfect. Perfectly imperfect. But I was not designed to be perfect, nor NEAR perfect! That title belongs to a being I cannot ever compare myself to! Because I don’t believe this “being” will ever compare me to another as well. It helps me gain perspective, composure, and the ability to laugh at myself is healing.
Now, in order to find humor in others actions, words, I believe we first have to be able to find humor within ourselves, and make fun, or light of that which we do ever so swiftly, and incompetently! Because that is what I was designed for. To learn, to grow, to step outside of my safety zone, to forgive myself, (and others) as I do others (well, for the most part). Because if i don’t forgive myself then I am inviting the reign of depression, and oppression into my soul, and that is NOT a good place for me to be, nor to subject myself (nor others near me) to!
The next step in this developmental growth is to not only earnestly, honestly apologize with sincerity, but to detach from whatever THEIR (my victim, hmmm that’s too hard of a word, let’s say “the unfortunate receiver of my craziness!” Time used to control me. I am one where learning “delayed gratification” took a few decades to grasp. Now time helps me cope. It doesn’t change what has been done, nor give (nor should it) excuses for my ill behavior, but in that time I can center, focus, and release that which used to hold me bondage to.
I do care what the person I’ve made amends to is feeling, but I have to also let that go. They are on their own journey of discovery, recovery, or plain survival! So to keep myself and my side of the road clean, I detach from it, from them. Time will reveal what is meant to be, or not! I’ve learned that life is like a 100 piece puzzle. Sometimes I immediately am granted 60 pieces to that puzzle, but the other 40 pieces are only revealed over that four letter word again “TIME”, and I’ve also learned not to expect clarity in all aspects of my life, my puzzle. That 10-20% of missing pieces can have its own speedy pace of the “why’s” or “how comes”. Words that are really best used by the adolescent, experiencing whatever it is he or she is seeing for the first time. I haven’t had much luck at picking up those words or questions. It just leads me back to the path of bondage and insanity.
So tonight, I’ve made my amends, and when I crawl my tired butt into bed, I will pray that if it is meant to be, please let my apology be accepted. To also offer whatever it is needed to and for the “receiver of my craziness”!
What a tongue twister this blog has been. Be well, be honest, be kind, and if you have inherited a nasty need to beat yourself up….. Let it go. Practice self love, practice real love, practice real people and life. It is amazing what this “self love” stuff can do. I just want to end with one more platitude, if that’s the word. Every day I hear people say “Time heals”, particularly around loss. Well, I disagree. Time never “makes right” that which has been lost, or passed, but it DOES help us, teaches us how to COEXIST with this loss. There is a difference!
Sending love and light to whoever is reading this!