Tag Archives: karma



Answers come to me when I least expect them.  I’m a fairly self aware person.  I also feel and read others energies and moods.  I am fairly adept at this.   I also have a sixth sense that I rarely talk about.  I am very intuitive, and have been called a “a witch” by many people, different times (and not all men! ha!) Problems arrive when I am feeling the negative energies of others, as I have days where it seems every five minutes I have to outwardly, verbally tell myself “not to go there”.    Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s exhaustion, maybe it is just the way it is, but I need much alone time to recoop now after spending time with others, particularly groups.   Teaching exhausts me, I think because I’ve always felt I had to entertain and be “on” when I taught.    A friend posted pics of me from classes I taught and I was happy.  I remember the classes well and I always had fun, and I think I taught great classes.   I just don’t think that’s who I am anymore, and I’ve accepted this, and am okay with this.   What I mean here, is that I simply cannot keep the schedule that I used to, so my classes will be fewer and farther in between, as I have a new direction that I’m headed, in which I am very excited, focused, happy about.  I LOVE to teach, and I want to preserve that love and adoration.  I always want to feel that I gave a great, fun, good class.    So I’m going to minimalize the amount that I do this so that it always feels good, and I can walk away happy, feeling accomplished, self pride.

What I want to really talk about is “the processing” of things, and how this happens for me.    I can easily be consumed when I’m trying to figure something out.  ADHD helps with this!   There are times physically I have no energy or motivation, this is typically when I’m trying to accept or understand a situation.   This happened recently.   What also happened was a whole, draining emotional process that brought back unhealthy, painful behavior or REacting.   I had lost my sense of self, I was doubting myself, and that is okay, the situation was unclear, open ended, unresolved.       Then just when I am at my wits end and totally surrender to “what is”, this magical process happens, and clarity fills my mind and heart.    Uncertainty and frustration has been replaced with gratitude.   First, I want to say that knowledge comes from truth.   This is important to know and accept.  If you are not getting the truth, you will not find a resolution for the problem because you haven’t yet looked at what the problem is!!!    I hope this sounds as profound as it feels.   In short, look to trusted others, non judgemental, loving people to help you get to your truth!     Self centered, serving and emotional vampires will suck the life right out of you if you let them!

I’ve been through quite a bit in my life.    Can always be worse, and can easily find someone in much more dire situations than I have experienced.  The hardships I have faced have helped define me.    I am nothing if I am not strong.  I am one very strong person.  I have joked through difficult times that “I just want to be a feminine woman with painted nails and toe nails, because at times, the challenges and hardships had me feeling like I was becoming a neanderthal.    And once you walk through some major shit in your life, if you are like me, you have little if no time for what I call “luxury problems”, or “drama”.

I’ve been changing at a rapid rate the past couple months.   I’m wiser, smarter than when I started, but tonight I am at peace and I feel hopeful about getting flowers in my near future because I AM PLANTING THEM! ha!!   Trust in the process, trust in yourself, because the answers will come when they are supposed to!   I “forget” that sometimes and get caught in the crap!

Disappointments in people can be hurtful, even harmful.   But when we find our “center” again, when we get back to who we are and what we’ve been through in life, we realize no one or no ones actions define us, and that is a very good thing.  I am not talking about blaming another for your life, or circumstances.  I am talking about taking responsibility for your life, your actions, and if someone has proven theirselves to you, good or bad, believe it!    And then of course there is the giver and taker thing.     Accept who you are, and who others are, take back whatever part of your life you’ve surrendered to places that leave you unsure, or feeling ill about yourself.

Have a lot I’m looking forward to, and have a whole new perspective on life and relationships.    I believe in karma, I believe in the law of attraction, I believe I am the soul author or my destiny!  Just wait and see what I accomplish!  Note to self:  Be humble!

How’s your book coming?  Are you happy with your life?  Are there things you want to change?  Are there painful things you’ve been avoiding?  Because I’m here to tell you, once you face them, once you look at them, your perspective changes, and you’re not the same person but hopefully a better person from your lessons.

Filled with gratitude right now.   It’s a wonderful place to be.   It’s also equally important to be humble AND teachable!


Karmic justice


We’ve all been targeted by some unhealthy vindictive person for little if no real reason other than the fact that they need someone to beat on.     When this happened to be I realized, which I guess I always knew anyway, but it reiterated to me that evil does in fact, exist.

The best thing we can do is walk away, though our egos, pride want to strike back.  At least mine does.   I heard something twenty years ago that has stayed with me “The best revenge is no revenge”…to live a good life not missing a beat.   It’s hard sometimes to take the high road but I have learned that I will never “win” by giving up my peace of mind and I could never “win” at the level that these people exist.  It isn’t in me, and for that I am truly grateful.  To understand such hatred and vial actions is to be like that, or on the other end of their tight rope.

For someone to think that they are almighty powerful and important, ignoring them, not even looking at them, acknowledging their existence should be enough.    How dare you or I ignore this person?  This person in which evil resides?

I guess I’m writing this because I am reminding myself of my ego, my pride.     It hurts when someone tells lies about you, and particularly degrading ones.   I have learned however, that it always comes full circle.  Perhaps not in the time lot we want or think it should, but eventually the tracks of karma will be drawn over their face.

Recently the news with the capital punishment case where there was a malfunction caused a 45 minute “delay” for the bastard to die, and many said it wasn’t right.   I’m not going there but I will say that I don’t believe the answer is more suffering.    I’m not qualified to judge another (though I do).   My reply to others regarding this was this:   Was it done on purpose?  Did we (humans) who were responsible for taking the appropriate actions to end this mans life, did they take justice into their own hands?  The answer is No.   Not that I’ve heard anyway.   My fervent belief is that this was karmic justice.  God help me but in many ways I found this reassuring that the evil that preys around us will meet with the good, God will prevail.   How hard it is to remember that when under fire, however.

To harbor or hold resentment only hurts ourselves.   It keeps us from experiencing the good in life while stuck in our anger.   I forgive for me, not for any other.   I am not condoning another’s action, I am simply forgiving to set myself free from the anger, the crap that potentially has the power to consume me.    I don’t have to speak to that person again, I don’t have to even let them know I have forgiven, again, I forgive for me.

For the past 30 years of my life I have prayed for those who have harmed me.  I learned this in a 12 step program and reading every spiritual self help book I could get my hands on.   When I suggest to someone that they pray for those who have mistreated or harmed them, most look at me like I have three heads.   When I do this it reminds me that while I bolster an obvious opinion about this person and their wrongs, but it is not productive, healthy nor is it up to me to “pay them back”.   By praying for them it helps remind me of a higher power, and gets me to the forgiveness stage faster.  I pray for them because it helps ME!    The judgment and resentment harbored potentially have the same, if not more destruction, sabotaging our own lives.   Screw them!  Pray for them and let it go.  Just like this murderer whom had the misfortune of taking 45 very long minutes to die…  how can one not believe in karma?  Thus, the evil that comes around will eventually go around, in fact, it starts immediately if we take the high road, if we not offer this person one second of our lives.   The best revenge is no revenge but to live a good life!

I want to feel peaceful, serene.  I want to be an instrument of peace, not of evil.  Karma exists and I needn’t take action.     If I do it’s like taking the poison I want to give someone else, myself.  I’m only harming myself.

Evil does exist.   Karma does too!  If we are embarking on resentment, dig two graves!



A trip down Memory Lane


Todays circumstances found me in old stomping grounds.    This is where I went to high school, hung around with friends, passed the test for my driver’s license, got my first checking account, first full-time job, on and on.   While driving around it was as if a movie was playing in my mind, a very vivid movie.

Drove by my sisters first apartment, the site of my first automobile accident, my dads old house…    As I went by these places memories were in full force, as if I had stepped back in time and stood there once again.    Driving by my dads former house I thought of my brother as a teen, working on a puegot that he finagled for, the arrival of my sister’s prized boat, wrestling with her on the ground (in my 20’s!).  I drove over the spot on the road where my sister was test driving my new Prelude when we saw my dads Toyota truck coming.  Our brother had been using it that day, running back and forth to the parts store.  So to be funny, I stood up and out the sunroof and flipped him off, only to see that it was my fathers girlfriend.  Boy did we get in trouble for that one.    Kimo, the dog I sold to my brother for $1 who stayed at my dad’s house for 1 day and then ran away.   A few days later he showed up on the doorstep of my parents old house, 20 miles away.  His paws were raw, puffy, but he wanted to be home!   Softball fields where both my sister and I were on leagues.  She was in an A team, I was in a C!   Houses that my older sister lived in, was cared for.  As I drove to the hospital to pick up my mom I drove past the cancer center where I brought my mother to her weekly chemotherapy treatments on two different occasions in her life; where I saw one of my childhood friends dads the last day he was alive.  The emergency room where my girlfriend and I brought my mother and the doctor came out in the hall to tell me he didn’t think she would make the night, who is her power of attorney?  Fortunately she made it through that.   The emergency room where I raced to be with my sister who was having severe abdominal cramps.  I drove 35 minutes like a maniac to get there.  Fortunately she made it then.  And sadly the hospital where I last saw my older sister.   I remember walking down the corridor as I left the final time, with legs that felt like rubber and a noise in my head that blocked my ability to hear anything anyone was saying.   I recalled the people walking by who were going to visit a loved one, they were happy, and smiled at me.   I don’t think my face moved, but I do remember wondering “Do they know I just said goodbye to my sister?”    As I’m writing this Elton John’s “Circle of Life” started to play in the background….I’m smiling now.  Now Starbucks, I went by the Taco Bell where Jim and I frequented.  One day we sat eating peering at a double rainbow.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I share with you few of many.

So many times in my life when I have felt the energy of loved ones whom have passed.   One night I was driving home from a 12 step meeting, I was driving fast on a back road.  Suddenly my youngest sisters face revealed itself vividly.  She said “SLOW DOWN”.  Well seeing her shocked me into slowing down in itself.  Mere seconds later a deer ran out in front of me.    Things like this happen to me all the time.   Some brush it off and think my “believing” is insane, for me, that’s okay that they don’t believe, but I know what I had experienced was very real, and it is those memories that help me through difficult days.   This life is not all there is.

Who can explain how I meet a stranger and somehow in the conversation say “Holy Mackaral” which I had not said since childhood, and the strangers maiden name was “Mackaral”?   The visions I saw that came around to pass a day or two later?

It has been said that when you die your whole life flashes before you.  I wonder if it will be like todays unexpected movie script?    Do you know its a phenomena that most people will reach for something that we here, cannot see, and will see and speak of seeing those whom have passed before them?    If you or anyone is going through the death or foresee the death of a loved one coming, get the book “The final Gift”.  A very helpful book which was written by hospice workers.  It speaks of this and so much more.  I have given this book out to many.

Faith is believing in what we can’t see.  Faith is something that a scientist struggles with, they believe only in what they see, hear.   Faith has helped me walk through so much in my life.  Faith gives me hope, keeps me walking forward into territory I want nothing to do with.

Yeah, today was a good day.  A day filled with memories and flashes from my past, some fun, some painful.    I find it ironic that I can remember these incidents from decades ago, songs from the 70s verbatim, and yet find myself going into the kitchen 5 times to get that which I could not remember!

Life is interesting.  Faith is interesting.   I am not a religious person, I am however a very spiritual person.   Above are mere examples of the many times in my life I have had experiences in which many others will never believe.   “Wishful thinking” I’ve been told.   Just now “Tears in Heaven” came on in the background.     It’s okay that they don’t believe me, it’s okay that they don’t believe in this happening, it’s okay because I know these incidents are real, and with all my heart and soul I experienced them in my waking hours.  Perhaps one day I will share about the vivid dreams, visions of things that unraveled just as the dream played out.  There are some experiences so meaningful, so purposeful, so timely that I will only share with a chosen few.  Why?  Because I never want anyone to taint these with their disbelief.   In an interview Bob Dylan did in the early 90’s he spoke of “knowing, the dream, the vision” in which you walk towards, set out to do, and not to share with others because they, with their own mental limitations, will squelch or tarnish that which you want, instilling self-doubt, fear, therefore not in “alignment” of what we “know” we are supposed to do.  I believe we all have purposes, some to just downright make others lives miserable! 🙂   Those purposes are revealed to us in dreams, in actions, in experiences.    Perhaps someone who has sadly been abused is to help others get out of their similar situation?  I know not, but I do know, for whatever it is, I am still here today.  Today’s experiences validated years of my life that I have not thought of in years.  Bittersweet, though serving a craving I have recently had.

The majority of the time I can hold onto all of my these experiences and as I said above, walk through rough terrain.  There are days when I am not “aligned” that I cannot get there.  This is typically when I’m delving into the depths of depression.  Another whole chapter of my life.

I hope wherever you are in life, whatever is in front of you right now brings a smile to your face, and if tears are cast, I hope you are able to hold strong to the faith that everything happens for a reason.  We may not understand it, we may never know why, but I believe someday we will.    Just my beliefs, my experiences, my life….

Believe it…. or not!  (Said in Ripley’s tone) 🙂

EVIL and Kkkkkkkkkkkkkarma


Today’s Lesson:   If I seek revenge on an evil act, I become part of it

Today’s Gratitude:   I am grateful that I am aware of today’s lesson

I am seething at the moment.  Have you ever been around evil?  I think we all have, whether we have recognized it or not.   How did you react mentally, physically, spiritually to it?  Does it consume you?  Is it changing you into someone you are not or don’t want to be?

I pray for those who have harmed me or my loved ones.   I learned this long ago in a 12 step program.    Evil to me comes in the form of several things, one being deceit, another being greed, ill will to others.    There has been a person that thankfully, is no longer in my life, but still reeking havoc on my family.  Evil..  Greedy.   I believe in karma, and this person has some major bad karma coming to her.  My fear is that when it knocks on this persons door, and it will, will it be through a mutual family member?

Two years ago, when I was hospitalized for depression, I couldn’t talk about some very cruel and evil things that were happening to me.   I was accused of inappropriate touch in a situation that was a very moving memory for me.  How do you deal with something like that?  I was so hurt, very hurt, how this person (same person) took something very beautiful and made it ugly and bad.  I will share the incident in a minute.    I have never been so wrongfully treated in my life.  I couldn’t share about it because I was accused of writing blogs that defamed them.  Everything was taken, twisted, and this blank filled eyed person brought evil into everything that was good.  I was the target.   I am going to talk about it now because it has been a couple years and I know other people have gone through this.  I will not share on this again here.

It was not easy for me to have my breasts removed.  It was not easy to learn that the cancers I had were at high risk of recurrence and I was at high risk of another.   With my higher power in my heart, and friends and family at my side, I made the difficult decision to have double mastectomies and reconstruction.   I declined chemotherapy for reasons I will one day share.  For 2 years I went through surgery after surgery because my compromised immune system created complication after complication.    Part of reconstruction for the type I chose began at the same time as mastectomies.  Expanders were placed under the muscle.  Saline was inserted each week, or every other week to stretch the muscle and tissue, preparing for the implant.  It was a journey I would wish on no one.  But here is the thing.  I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.  I learned who I was, what I was made of, and I now share my experiences, in essence, teach others the risks, things I learned which may or may not help them.  I probably, no, I know I share a lot of personal things in my blog, sometimes I will go back and delete because I feel too exposed.  The only reason I share what I do is because I know I am not alone in whatever it is I am struggling with, I am not unique with my challenges, my hardships.  If my experiences, my words can help even one other person…. isn’t that great?

Well, this innocent child had watched me go through this for months, noticing the change in my body from start and reconstruction and never asked about it.  I am sure this child’s parent told them not to.    One night this child came to spend the night with me.   We played, beaded, painted, read, took the dogs on a hike in the woods.  It was a wonderful weekend for both of us.    When we were getting ready for bed I took off my sweatshirt, revealing a cotton camisole, something that I had to wear for months….Anyway, this child seemed angry and upset, crawling down to the foot of the bed to look.  “That isn’t your pajama’s” she said.   I replied “This is what I am going to wear for pajamas”.   Now, she was  angry that I wasn’t changing into something different I asked “What is the matter?”    After a couple of minutes the reply “I want to see”.   Knowing the extent of the scars, I said “We’ll check with your parents first”.  “They told me to ask you”.  “No, they didn’t”.   Persisted until I said a prayer, picked up my shirt and showed my breasts.   “Does it hurt?”   “No, it doesn’t”….   “Can I feel one?”  “Yes… a tender touch to this rock hard breast “It’s hard, are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”  “No it doesn’t hurt”….. and that was that.   Curiosity of a child.   We snuggled into bed with a bag of Doritos and I prayed that I did the right thing.   Just as this child was falling to sleep “Donna?”….. “Yes”…..   “It’s no big deal!”    As she fell asleep, a plentitude of tears fell down my cheeks.  Through the eyes of a child, the innocence, the beauty, the validation that I was not deformed or should be concerned about how I looked.   It was a beautiful moment and one that I will hold dear.     In the morning I told the parents and they were fine with it.   Months later when it became convenient to manipulate to get what was wanted, it suddenly became improper touch.      Devastating.

I cannot describe to you the pain that this caused me.  I cannot describe to you the anguish and how devastating this was for me.    I went to see my girlfriend at her work and told her what was happening.  She and I have been friends for 30 years.  “You are still allowed to see them (child) ?   Yes.  “Donna, think about that.  If someone did something to my child you can damn well bet the last thing that would happen is their being near my family again.  And furthermore, the first thing I would do would be to call the police!  Did they call the police?”  “No”.  My girlfriend is very intelligent, she is also a woman of class, but more importantly, high scruples, morals, standards.   I trust her implicitly.  We have seen each other through some of the roughest times in our lives.  Crying, I could see the anger in her.  When she gets angry her jaw clenches, and her jaw was clenching.  She was angry.  She was angry because she knows me, and she knows that I would never do anything like what I was then was being accused of, and that this evil persons lies were so painful for me.  She loves me, and I her.    My visit with her helped me through the next couple of days, and finally combined with other things that were going on, I became suicidal.   I felt like I had little support through this, my friends were very supportive.   EVIL.    My nephew had come to live with me.  He also had been targeted in ugly ways.  At 20 years old he was one of my biggest supporters.  I will forever be grateful that he was living with me then.   I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital.   It was all too much for me to sort through, to accept.    Beauty, innocence purposely distorted for their gain which was revenge at my family.

I have seen evil.  I have been victim to evil.   When the hair on my neck stands up, when my stomach starts to flip flop around someone, I walk away, I stay away.  Why?  Because I want no part of it.  It was during this time that I called my cousin who is a very spiritual, religious man, he spiritually guides me.   Actually, he called me at 2 am because we were both up (as usual) and I was having a particularly hard day.   He talked to me about strife, we spoke of evil.   The energy of this person is evil.  A blankness in the eyes, not a tear shed for anything in over 10 years plus, no conscience, cruel, greedy and more. I have nothing to do with this person but it angers me to see the continued pain caused by greed, lies, accusations.   I will not allow myself to hate.   It takes too much out of me physically, mentally.   I pray for this person.  I pray for those of the wake that is left from their actions.  I pray for their health, physically and mentally.    It is not for me to judge another, but it is my business when so wrongly accused of such vial things, or in general to assess a person, place of thing is good for me.   I am not the judge of her.   I am a victim of her vengeance.  People with vengeance in their energy I steer clear of as well.  They are dangerous.    I will never “win” anything at the level they are because I am not like that, I do not understand nor live there, nor will I ever be.

I will work through this anger.   I will support the latest victim, but I will never go near them again.   I think the devil himself would wear leather gloves before touching this evil entity.

If you don’t like what I said, do not tell me so.  Please keep your comments to yourself then.  If you understand, then by all means, please share, it helps me, it helps us all, there is strength in numbers.    I know that evil exists.  I know that there is a dark side that my body reacts to, warning me of the danger.   I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful I was able to walk away and leave them to their creator.  Because you know what happens?  In my pain, in my ego, I was becoming someone I am not.  It’s ironic how that works.

If this person is cyber stalking still….. I will once again say to you what I said gently and with compassion back then “Get help”.   Also remarks of my mental illness, cruel demeaning comments, knife slicing comments that cut through my heart.   My thoughts on this are…. what is worse?  Being treated for a mental illness or being ignorant to one and not seeking help?

Evil exists.  Karma exists.  Love exists.   Goodness exists.  I am protected, however through my God.   I am guided to be the best person I can be, to help others, to love others, and to accept both myself and others, shortcomings and all.  To learn, to grow, to teach.   I share this because I did nothing wrong.  I share this because “secrets” are not healthy, we are as sick as our secrets.  I share this and will share this more explicitly in the book I am writing.    I am not as fearful of evil as I once was as I know I will be protected.  I am, however, cautious and hyper vigilant on when and what evil will appear in my life next.   I have to work on that because that very hyper vigilance keeps me from appreciating this very moment.    Every day it gets easier for me.  Every day I grow and are becoming the best person I can be…

Please, no sympathy, I am okay.  I always welcome prayers, and if you will say a prayer for this person, that would be great.

Thanks for listening….

Today’s artwork is one season of several window scenes I have painted.   This is “Cardinal Window”  


An instructional pattern packet is available for this painting. 



Sometimes I think about saying or doing something not particularly nice, but then that five letter word comes up that keeps me somewhat straight…. Karma.  I want good  ju ju coming my way, baby! So I try to keep my nose clean.   I am however human, imperfect, and I tend to have a big mouth at times, and it sometimes gets me into trouble.

Tonight I was thinking about situations when I had judged someone on their actions.  Then days, months or years later I found myself placed into an experience where I suddenly saw the other persons side and  I was no longer judgemental of their actions, in fact… I understood them.    My jaw hits my chest and two states over they can hear me utter “WOW” when this happens.   Until we walk in another persons shoes, we no not what they feel, think, or why they made the choices they made or make.  Sometimes I think experiences like these are brought on as part of Karma, other times I believe they are given to us as gifts to further deepen our human experience.  It truly does blow me away when this happens to me.   How many times will this happen before I learn to stop judging others?  Apparently a LOT!

I used to call Jim (my former fiancee) the Karma Kid.  Things would come back on him instantly.  One day we were in a long line at a bank waiting to use the ATM machine.  The guy in front of us decides to get out of line, so without thinking he puts his car in reverse and nearly backs into us.  Jim blew his horn, called him a name under his breath,  along with a few other judgemental statements.    I reminded him of Karma… and he said “Yah yah, he’s still an idiot.” About 20 minutes later we had stopped at an indoor flea market.   Jim parks the car.  He decides he doesn’t like where he is parked so he puts his car in reverse and WHAM backs into a parked car behind us.  I still laugh about this some 9 years later.  The car he hit was a bondo baby, a piece of crap.  The impact wasn’t much but it made the car shake, rattle and roll, which sounded like metal on metal (or rust on rust).  This woke up the kid who was asleep in the back of the car.  His head came bouncing up from the back seat like a jack in the box.    The look on Jim’s face was unforgettable.  He wouldn’t look at me as I looking out the side window smiling.   Our dog was taking full advantage of all this excitement, running from window to window, barking.    Jim goes inside to find the owner, explains what happened.  The guy holds his hand up and waves him off, he said “Oh please, that piece of crap car?  Don’t worry about it!”.  This is one of the many examples of why I called him “The Karma Kid”.  His karma seemed to come instantly. 

Tonight I regretfully participated in sharing some hurtful words with someone.   I should have had better control of myself.   I did not.   Words are quick and easy weapons to sling at someone.    Sarcasm, in greek means “to tear flesh”.  Words tear flesh, they cannot be taken back.  I typically stay clear of this type of confrontation, of mostly all confrontation.   I dislike confrontation, it makes me very uncomfortable.  I am no angel when it comes to warfare in the word department.  For the most part, I do not participate in it.  If I am defending myself, if I feel fearful, I will bite back.   I feel sad for myself that tonight I participated with angry words.   I am disappointed in myself that I slung crap back.  After being hurt from the response, I quickly gained composure.  This is not healthy, nor is this where I’m going.  Some things you cannot fix.  I can, however, restore my sanity, my peace of mind, regain my serenity.

So, I’ve sort of duped myself with some bad karma coming my way.  I’m not pleased with that.   Will it come in form of a meteor?  Another appliance or mechanical device breaking?  More hurt feelings?    I don’t know.  But I do know that if I focus on that and stay in the negative, I am creating for myself a negative environment.  So I need to brush myself off, forgive myself, find my center, and get back to creating a happy, safe, serene environment for myself….  It’s doable!

Then tomorrow?  Back to random acts of kindness……