Tag Archives: judgement

What’s in your heart?


The other day I ran into (almost crashed with our carts!) an old high school friend at Walmart.  I had seen just before I went to Walmart, on her fb feed that she had just lost one of her beloved furry kids.  Anyway,

I told her how sorry I was, and she was very gracious, but something she then said kind of shocked me.    “This is why I look the way I do today!”.    Wow!   Wow I thought.  To feel the need to say that to me, at 55 years of age?  We will both soon be 56.     It just struck me odd.  And perhaps its because for years now, I’ve not focused on the way I looked, nor the manner in which I dressed.  I admit, some of that had to do with depression, but when I see people I love, I don’t look them over from top to bottom.  I look into their eyes, and I’m paying attention to their words.

It saddened me, and also baffled me at the same time that she would be concerned of such.  A member of her family just died, who gives a shit how she looks?    Or have i just become too uncaring about this stuff?

She’s a beautiful woman, with the biggest blue eyes, and a gorgeous smile.  And she was in pain, I could see it written all over her face and in her eyes.  My heart hurt for her and her family.  I know how hard it is when our furry families leave us.  It’s painful as hell.    No one wants to say goodbye to such unconditional and gentle love and companionship.

So I’ve been sitting with that memory of our meeting.    And I’m not insinuating that she did anything wrong, but why did it stand out to me?   Why did that response come to mind for her, when she was sharing of her pain?

I suppose it could’ve been that I looked like crap.   Laughing.   And I didn’t have death of a pet (Thank God) to blame!    And I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t about her, it was about me.    I guess if someone is going to judge me by the way I look, for whatever reason, I guess I deep down know, they aren’t my friend!    I never once looked at her to think anything of her.  I wasn’t judging her, I was judging myself!  And with her comment, I felt like she was looking at what I looked like, not who I was, and the words I was saying to her.

How hard we are on ourselves.    This saddens me and continues to be the biggest issue I contend with on a daily basis.  I’m learning to be kinder, softer with myself, but it’s the first place that retorts back to old behavior, and I have to be vigilant with my self talk, turning it to positive.    There are some days, that’s all I accomplish.  Recycling old negative thoughts into positive ones.  With that said, the days are fewer and far between what they used to be.

What isn’t important to me is what someone drives, the diamonds or sapphires they wear, but I do look at their eyes, and I try to see what is in their heart with the limited time I’m with another.    Because THAT is how I want others to look at me!!!   But will they?   Doesn’t matter, it’s out of my control what another person thinks of me, and I’m grateful I don’t care today.    But here is where the whole process ended up for me.

What if?  What if we all felt better about ourselves, and loved and cared for ourselves.  What if we didn’t feel the need to “look” or “play” the part?     What if we stood one with our grief and said “I’m having a crappy day, I need to be gentle on myself?”

Are you one that can do that?      I dare ya!

So if the person reading this blog and whom I met in the Dog Aisle at Walmart, my bestest from way back in our teens, You are beautiful!   Your eyes are as blue as they were in high school, and your smile as bright.    Be kind to yourself!    Give yourself permission to grieve, and don’t judge yourself (or me) on the way I look!    Love ya girl.


Not Yesterday’s tears


It’s been a long time since I’ve written.   I’ve been holding things within, things that I don’t want tarnished by another person’s view, or comments.   I have had what some would call “wild” experiences, but they bring me tremendous comfort.   I am not ready to share them, and I may never be.    But I have so much gratitude for these signs, times.

I’ve had an eventful year so far, two days in San Juan, Puerto Rico, followed by a 7 day cruise with my best girlfriend.  It was amazing.   We visited St Croix, the place where someone very special to me took his last breath.   It was comforting to see such a beautiful place, I could easily visualize him there, and happy, and that is a gift, a true gift when someone dies too young.   It brought me peace.  We also visited St. Kitts (swam with dolphins), Barbados, Dominica (tubed down a river in a rain forest) and St. Maartan.

I returned home to my house in repair, and new windows.   I’ve been asked on numerous occasions if I hit the lottery, if I had a sugar daddy, or a new boyfriend who was footing the bills.  My answer is all the same.  No!    I have been blessed with good people in my life, good friends, family who look out for me.   For some reason, this year I scored, and big… I am again, very grateful.

The past few days have offered no restful sleep, and high pain levels.   I am tired, beyond tired.  I know I’m not alone here.    I’m reminded of a quote a friend told me many years ago “Fatigue makes cowards out of all of us”.   I wouldn’t quite describe myself as cowardly, but my body is clearly not cooperating with my desires or plans.  I don’t like it.  Today, after a couple of weeks with high pain levels, I want to raise the white flag and surrender.   I want to give up.    Today I called my dad, and during our conversation I unexpectedly starting to weep.

A couple of weeks ago I had a similar experience.  It was a sleepless night, I was scrolling through facebook and read a post that shared hundreds of ugly, vile comments on homosexuality.   At first I was in shock.   Then I got angry, and I wanted to respond, but I recalled a post by a friend who experienced something similar, and it helped me.  To my credit, I knew I was tired and could never hold a candle against people with such harsh views.  Instead, I cried.   The tears just flowed down my cheeks until the sheet I had tucked myself into needed to be replaced.    I am not gay.  My late sister called me “pathetically straight”.    I thought of her, and all my dear family and friends who are gay, and cried for them.  I cannot imagine being judged so harshly because of who I am.  I then cried for those I didn’t know who were being judged so harshly, so cruelly

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve also been witness to a friends “religious friends” judging her and her actions.    This instills so much anger in me.  Really?   When did God put you in charge of another person’s life?  Religious beliefs?  Spirituality?    I am not slamming ANY religion, but I am so dismayed by people who claim to be so holy, and yet they only portray to me and to many others, that this is NOT what I want in my life!  I have religious people in my life who treat me with respect, allow me the space for my own beliefs, and who are and will be there for me without judgement.  One cousin I am close to, who helps me more than he will ever know.  Who will, when asked, share his views and beliefs, and interpretation of the bible, but does not judge me or others.   Do I know which of these two examples is “right?”  No, but I sure the heck know which person I would like to hear more about his God from!  The paragraph is not about religion, but the lack of love, respect for others.   We are living in some pretty hard times, and frankly, I’ve run into some pretty cold people.

This afternoon I dug into my bureau that holds my most prized possessions.   Love letters, favorite toys of my aussie’s, pictures, emails, cards.   One of the items is packed neatly into a box with Bugs Bunny characters on the outside.  I opened it, and there was my sisters cap and gown, and the paperwork that we were handed when we went to see her graduate with a Criminal  Justice degree.   I pulled out the cap, the tassles that signified the year, and her graduating with honors.    I have had this neatly tucked away (and I have taken it out many times before) for almost 13 years.   She died April 8, 2003 at the age of 38.   Something fell out of her cap.  It was a pair of her sunglasses.   I wrapped everything back up, and then found an email from my older sister who gave us updates on how Darlene was doing.  This was 6 days before she died.   In the email she wrote “She seemed to have some unfinished business with Donna.  We had a hard time understanding her.  But it was a simple as ‘Tell Donna I love her and will miss her’.   I don’t think Darlene was able to say those things when Donna was here and it troubled her.”     Talk about tears.  I fell to my knees, sobbing.   Where was this email for the past 13 years?   Why had I not seen nor remembered it?    But you know what?    It was just what I needed, today, on this difficult day.  It was like having been penned and sent from heaven, itself.

And one last thing I’d like to share.  It was written in a card from the beautiful soul who I mentioned earlier who died in St. Croix.   “Dear Donna,  Being away from you has made my feelings for you and about us even stronger and clearer than before.  I know today that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I love you, Jim”    I love you too.

I am not living in yesterday’s pain, or dwelling on my past.   Today it helped to revisit these momentous beautiful times and people who were once very prominent in my life (understatement).  It has helped to remind me that in spite of all the pain and shit that happens, love never dies.  Even when someone has crossed over, love can continue to grow.  And that perhaps, I may experience this amazing journey of love again, with someone new.   And as I looked at the MANY pictures of my sister, there were only a handful without her smiling.   She lived life well.  She worked hard, played hard.   She was just an awesome person.  I miss her everyday of my life, and to think ill of her because her sexuality, well hey… guess what?   If you do?  It’s on you.   I’m so glad I didn’t miss a moment with her.  She taught me so much and one thing she taught me by example?   Live your life, be true to yourself, and pay no mind to those who judge you!  It was a nice “visit” down memory lane.   It helped me gain new perspective (now through my sisters sun glasses), and those who have brought me dismay of late, have no more power.  I am reminded of all good.  I am reminded of why sometimes it’s so hard to carry on, because life was indeed much easier with the presence of those who are no longer with me, but just to be back there mentally, gives me the strength and desire to fight on.  Today it was nice to revisit the warmth of yesterday.

Go have yourself a great day.  Sending you all love and light,

Donna (pronounced, DonNUH)




There’s a reason we have two eyes, ears and one mouth!


Today’s lesson:   Look before I jump to conclusions

Today’s gratitude:  My paintbrush is flowing nicely

So, yesterday I ran into Walmart.   That place drives me crazy.  Anyway on my list was D3 vitamins.   My oncologist says every woman should be on 2000u of these daily.  I ran out a few days before so I had to get them.   I look at the price, I couldn’t believe it.  It was almost double than I usually pay… I’m cussing….  Well, what am I going to do?  I need them.    On my way home I’m still cussing and moaning…. “Why the hell are they so expensive now?  How the hell am I going to live when prices on things keep going up and up…for that price they should be in chewable candy form!”         I get home, forget about it, found something else to complain about….Before bed I take meds, including my vitamins.  I open them up, they aren’t flying out like normal.   Oh, and I always get upset that they pack 1/8 of the bottle with vitamins and the majority of the rest with cotton…    So, now I’m cussing again… what the hell?  Why aren’t the vitamins coming out?  I turn on the light and look…. they are gummy bear vitamins!!!!!    Whoopsie…..better research before I bitch!

When unpacking my groceries today I couldn’t find the dog bones I bought.   Good grief, what the hell?   Why can’t I go to the store, pick up my stuff, come home with all of it?   Cussing at the cashier for not giving it to me.   It’s like driving through a fast food and they either give me cold food or I’m missing some important element.     I’ve learned that no matter how many cars are behind me, I check everything right there before I drive off….    So, this afternoon I took the dogs for a hike in the woods and when we got back I remembered a package I got in the mail today, it’s in my car with todays other mail.   I open up the door and there, right before my eyes, were the dog bones.  They fell down the passenger side and was ajar between the seat and the door.    Whoopsie….better research before I bitch!

Other than my own feisty thoughts I have had a nice couple of days.  Painting, painting, painting!   Tomorrow I have an important deadline.  I’ll be up all night tonight.  Why do I do this to myself?   Well, why do I choose junk food over fruit?  Because I’m an idiot!

And now that my frosty cup is empty, I shall return to my painting nook.  When I sit down I will close my eyes and ask source to flow through me, through my heart, out my hand…..   ♥♥♥

Today’s artwork:  “Primitive Snowman”primitivesnowman



Sometimes I think about saying or doing something not particularly nice, but then that five letter word comes up that keeps me somewhat straight…. Karma.  I want good  ju ju coming my way, baby! So I try to keep my nose clean.   I am however human, imperfect, and I tend to have a big mouth at times, and it sometimes gets me into trouble.

Tonight I was thinking about situations when I had judged someone on their actions.  Then days, months or years later I found myself placed into an experience where I suddenly saw the other persons side and  I was no longer judgemental of their actions, in fact… I understood them.    My jaw hits my chest and two states over they can hear me utter “WOW” when this happens.   Until we walk in another persons shoes, we no not what they feel, think, or why they made the choices they made or make.  Sometimes I think experiences like these are brought on as part of Karma, other times I believe they are given to us as gifts to further deepen our human experience.  It truly does blow me away when this happens to me.   How many times will this happen before I learn to stop judging others?  Apparently a LOT!

I used to call Jim (my former fiancee) the Karma Kid.  Things would come back on him instantly.  One day we were in a long line at a bank waiting to use the ATM machine.  The guy in front of us decides to get out of line, so without thinking he puts his car in reverse and nearly backs into us.  Jim blew his horn, called him a name under his breath,  along with a few other judgemental statements.    I reminded him of Karma… and he said “Yah yah, he’s still an idiot.” About 20 minutes later we had stopped at an indoor flea market.   Jim parks the car.  He decides he doesn’t like where he is parked so he puts his car in reverse and WHAM backs into a parked car behind us.  I still laugh about this some 9 years later.  The car he hit was a bondo baby, a piece of crap.  The impact wasn’t much but it made the car shake, rattle and roll, which sounded like metal on metal (or rust on rust).  This woke up the kid who was asleep in the back of the car.  His head came bouncing up from the back seat like a jack in the box.    The look on Jim’s face was unforgettable.  He wouldn’t look at me as I looking out the side window smiling.   Our dog was taking full advantage of all this excitement, running from window to window, barking.    Jim goes inside to find the owner, explains what happened.  The guy holds his hand up and waves him off, he said “Oh please, that piece of crap car?  Don’t worry about it!”.  This is one of the many examples of why I called him “The Karma Kid”.  His karma seemed to come instantly. 

Tonight I regretfully participated in sharing some hurtful words with someone.   I should have had better control of myself.   I did not.   Words are quick and easy weapons to sling at someone.    Sarcasm, in greek means “to tear flesh”.  Words tear flesh, they cannot be taken back.  I typically stay clear of this type of confrontation, of mostly all confrontation.   I dislike confrontation, it makes me very uncomfortable.  I am no angel when it comes to warfare in the word department.  For the most part, I do not participate in it.  If I am defending myself, if I feel fearful, I will bite back.   I feel sad for myself that tonight I participated with angry words.   I am disappointed in myself that I slung crap back.  After being hurt from the response, I quickly gained composure.  This is not healthy, nor is this where I’m going.  Some things you cannot fix.  I can, however, restore my sanity, my peace of mind, regain my serenity.

So, I’ve sort of duped myself with some bad karma coming my way.  I’m not pleased with that.   Will it come in form of a meteor?  Another appliance or mechanical device breaking?  More hurt feelings?    I don’t know.  But I do know that if I focus on that and stay in the negative, I am creating for myself a negative environment.  So I need to brush myself off, forgive myself, find my center, and get back to creating a happy, safe, serene environment for myself….  It’s doable!

Then tomorrow?  Back to random acts of kindness……

Ignorance & Anger


Yup, another negative post.  Sorry.  Thank you for all who have messaged, called, etc.  This IS a hard time for me.  A very hard time.  I really appreciate your support.  I will get through this and yah I’ll be stronger for it…. how do you spell neanderthal?  rolls eyes

I am starting to hit the anger stage of grieving.    This needs to happen but I’m finding that if I spend more time alone than with others, it’s much better for all of us.  Still, on the occasion where I have seen someone and told them what happened I have received some pretty ignorant, cold remarks.

So I thought I would write a few things of WHAT NOT TO SAY when someone has lost someone they love.  I’ve added an excerpt on addiction too.

-No sense crying he drank himself to death

-Well he chose to live his life this way and now he is paying for it

-Why haven’t you accepted it yet?

-He left long ago

While a couple of these had good intentions (or I hope they did) they are still very hurtful and cold.  I wrote an earlier post on scarring in the heart and that we do NOT know what is in another persons heart.

If you aren’t involved in a 12 step program or alanon you probably won’t GET that we detach with love, we do not hate, we do not stop caring, we do not create crisis, we keep our own side of the road clean and let others clean up their side.

I do not need anyone’s permission to grieve.  I do not need anyone’s sarcastic or rude comments.  I swear, do people even THINK about what they are saying? 

I’ve been told that I’m a sensitive person.  Over the years I have learned to “harden” up, I had to, because if I didn’t I would be crushed by the cold reality of many things.   This is NOT depression, this is NOT me looking for attention, this IS ABOUT MOURNING AND GRIEVING.

And yes, he was an alcoholic, he DID in fact drink himself to death, do you think I do NOT know that?  Do you think his survivors do not know that? Really?  Do you have any idea how excruciating it is to watch someone you love self destruct?  If you do not, I hope you never do.  How would you feel if you had just experienced a tremendous loss (and that is only to be defined by yourself, not anyone else…. JUDGEMENT SUCKS) and someone said something cold and invalidating to you?

The majority of people who have heard and approach me are very kind and understanding.  They have been with me thru the split, they remember the happy clean Jim.   It is sad, and those that are left behind are left to find acceptance of a senseless death….

I really wanted to belt someone yesterday.  I mean BELT them.  I lean to being a pacifist, I do not like violence, but yesterday my patience had run short and I am raw, vulnerable.  I am doing my best.

If you don’t know what to say to someone, say I’m sorry.   Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are talking to, and be aware that you do not know their pain or their loss.    In many ways when someone self destructs by disease or mental illness, it is MUCH harder to accept than someone who has died of cancer.  Why?  Because with cancer the person hopefully has done everything they can to save their life.  It is a travesty when someone young dies, PERIOD.   When an addict  or alcoholic dies (and if you are still of the mindset where the stereotype addict or alcoholic is always a street bum….. start paying attention!  There are functional alcoholics, addicts all over, and I’m sure someone you know is one and you may not even know it) their is the ADDED pain of knowing this was a senseless death.   Addicts or alcoholics who die of the disease are criticised, judged mercifully… “They threw their life away, it’s their own fault”… etc.  And I’m not even talking about my jim here.  I’m talking about in general.  ALCOHOLISM and ADDICTION IS A DISEASE.  A sometimes fatal and deadly disease if left untreated.  If you EDUCATE yourself on the disease you will learn that many times the person doesn’t even know they need help because the disease itself convinces them they don’t… that there is nothing wrong.  Not every addict/alcoholic will survive.   In fact, if they do not seek help, they will die.  It is NOT about their lack of willpower or poor character.  They are sick.  Very sick.  And they will leave behind a very hurt and painful past that their survivors will have to walk thru. 

That is not saying that you should allow manipulation, lies, and much more shit from the addict/alcoholic.  Perhaps if they bottom they will get help.  Enabling is not a good thing and most enabling is done out of love or sympathy.  Just because someone lays down a border and tells the alcoholic, do not cross this line doesn’t mean that they have shut off their emotions, feelings, or HOPE. 

What is life without hope?  And I have learned that hope changes.

There is NOTHING you can say or do that will take anothers pain away when they are grieving.  But there IS things you can say that will make it worse.

And now I’m going to jump off my soap box and get ready for class.   Again, my love and thanks to those of you who have so kindly “understood” and offered your support.  Thank you so much.

I pray that his parents and brother are surrounded with kind, loving and understanding people.  The last thing they need is to deal with another persons ignorance or lack of compassion.

match dot com anyone?


Wed March 17th,

I’ve been cramming to get 7 or 8 new designs out for JBWood’s Festival this weekend, popping airborne which has surprisingly warned off whatever this bug is that what’s “in”… until today.   Aches and pains, exhaustion have hit.. but still… the festival will happen, and I have bills to pay! 🙂 So I’m going to take everything slowly today, work for an hour or two and then rest… okay, so I probably won’t sleep, I’ll watch the taped episodes of “House” that I haven’t gotten to yet!

This morning while outside throwing the frisbee for my boy there was something different outside than has been the past few weeks.  I sat down on the steps, closed my eyes to see if I could determine what it was…. BIRDS singing! smiles.  It only took about 10 seconds with my eyes closed to figure that one out!  Hey, don’t I feel good about myself today! ha.  The distinctive sound of a male cardinal flowed into my ears like the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard.  I instantly opened my eyes to see where he was.  I spotted him, so bright, beautiful, and proudly perched on a branch most probably singing lovesongs in bird language for his mate!  Nature is so beautiful at times…

For days now I’ve been seeing Canada Geese flying North.  They sure are noisy!   But I actually love to hear them.  You know how they fly in a “v” and one line is longer than the other?? Do you know why that is?????   Because there are more geese in that line! 🙂 ha.   I always wave to them and welcome them back….  My dog looks at me, as if I’ve lost my mind, and gets annoyed that I’ve diverted my attention to something OTHER than him!

I do have a couple funny observations from spending a half an hour on Match.com last night.  First, I am not actively looking for a relationship.  Who has the energy?  And being in the middle of breast reconstruction with another 6-7 months to go… it’s just nothing that I’m interested in.  So why go there?  Why look?  I find it very entertaining, and I like to see if I know anyone in my area.

So… from someone who has had to end a relationship with the love of my life due to alcoholism, I pay particular attention to how they answer “drink?”.  98% of guys answer “social drinker”.  I have become a cynic here….  I am a social drinker.  I drink probably 6-8 drinks a year!  Match.com could you please expound this category further?  How many drinks a day? a week? a month?  Have you ever had dui’s?  Has anyone suggested you have a drinking problem?  Do you remember what you did last night? lol.  But to my delight because it instilled a major belly roll with me… Two guys answered “regularly”.  THANK YOU !  Thank you for being honest!  I did find this very humorous.    Many have pictures with a beer of drink in their hand…. now yes… it could be one of 6 or 7 drinks for the year….. very true…. lol….rolling my eyes.

And then there are the pictures where you KNOW they have cut their ex out of the picture and uploaded the portion with their pic.  This makes me laugh too.  How do I know this?  You ask?  Am I being cynical again?  Well, in some of these you can actually SEE the arms or hand of a woman on them! TOOO funny.  You mean you couldn’t have a new picture taken?  You really liked this picture that much?

Oh Oh, and then there is the “about my date”…. Some specify eye color, body shape, income ranges, religions, etc. etc.  Why not find a scientist to create the perfect woman for you?  I’m chuckling remembering the movie “weird science” where two teenage guys had bras on their heads and created a beautiful woman….  I say go for it! lol.    Then there is the  guy whose belly sticks out a foot past their belts and there only requirement for “their date” is that they be physically fit and slender.  Shaking my head.  How about a category for cup size?  Foobs?  (for those of you who do not know yet, fake boobs are called foobs!)   And… shoe size????? glove size?  How long are your ears?

Okay… now understandably it is hard to describe yourself… For some of us, anyway!  lol.  For instance, you get to choose, Slender, Atheletic/Fit, Average, A few extra pounds, curvy, big and beautiful……  Hmmm….. Where would I classify myself?  Can’t you be average and beautiful?  Or slender and beautiful?  (Not that that is me, lol just saying).  I didn’t notice a category for ugly!  If someone checked that off, that would be a pretty good indication of their self esteem, eh? (spoken like my Canadian friends… eh?).

It really is interesting and something humorous to study.  Sometimes you would bet a lot of money by guessing what their ex’s didn’t fulfil in them, based on what they say they are looking for…  “someone who is not jealous, as I’m a really friendly fun guy”… Hmmmm… how friendly? grins

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, and judging.  I suppose I am judging others, and that isn’t my intention.  I really do find great humor in it all.  I will argue that I’m not judging but “assessing” … That’s pretty good, eh? lol

Going back to my jetsons machine now.  Gonna put on a good face for myself for the day…and be grateful for where I am in my life…..  and stick to painting!