A particularly quiet therapy session early this afternoon had my therapist ask “Are you quiet because you are tired from not sleeping?” Apparently I’m normally a chatter box! Truth is, I have not been sleeping. This is not unfamiliar territory for me, though it is distressing. I am taking my meds, I am trying to get to bed at a reasonable time each night, but sleep doesn’t come knocking til 6, 7 or 8am. A couple years ago when I was going through a particularly hard time mentally, nights filled with insomnia, a friend said to me “Fatigue makes cowards out of all of us”. I am revisiting that statement today, nodding my head in agreement. I made it to therapy today, did some important errands and now going to pay a few bills… This is all I am expecting of myself today. Hopefully I will be able to retire early tonight with heavy eyes and an ability to sleep. I think insomnia is why I like being knocked out with anesthesia so much. Count backwards from 100….by the time you hit 98, 97, GONEZO!
Contended with some unexpected traffic jams resulting in a longer trip home, through the small town, communities where I grew up. Looking through the memories of a child, but eyes of an adult. I shared my memories with Lilly, as she sat in the back of the jeep looking like she was listening. The fields which once spanned my comprehension now seem small, quaint. The names of childhood friends popped up without effort as we passed the homes where they once lived. How can I remember these things, and forget what I had for breakfast, or if I had breakfast?
I attach feelings to music, to places, not particularly to things, and smells, smells are an immediate recognition of whatever it served to remind me of. Feeling lately like I’m failing cognitively, it was just what I needed to give myself some reassurance that I have not lost it all …. completely! Yep, this was a ride down memory lane. I am a country girl, middle child of 5, who grew up in a small town in New Hampshire. My world is not merely as small as it once was, larger from the observation of a youngster. Life seemed so much simpler. Good God, I’m sounding like “We walked 5 miles home, without shoes”…. The appreciation and gratitude encouragement speech which sadly, was true and more sad, that we needed reminding of our luxuries.
I cannot watch the commercials on television about starving children, or abused animals. It keeps me up at night. When they come on I mute the television and go in the other room. Sarah McClaughlin offered a song years ago to the cause and to this day I still cannot listen to the song. I cannot watch the news, and certainly not in the evening, if I am looking to get some shut eye. I wonder what my grandparents would say if they were to hear the commercials now, or the programs, or see all the violence that the news dispels to us. Yesterday, as I was shoveling, I was thinking about the one popular and repetitive ad for Viagra “If you have an errection for longer than 4 hours…”, yesterday I filled in the blanks with “Go to the emergency room immediately, and if you can shovel snow, come see me!” Not sure the correlation there, but I found it comical.
How about the commercials that depict a perfect family, or happy couples who fill the Christmas tree with gold, diamonds and more? Sorry, no one has the perfect family, and happy couples are a minority these days. It is so nice to see happy people together, it is contagious and reminds me of times in my life when alone time was something that happened every few weeks. Now, single, self employed, and struggling with isolation, the beginning of the three headed beast of depression, I do get lonely, I do long for touch, but I’m not willing to do anything to change my situation.
“A course in miracles”, Marianne Williamson “Return to Love”, so many self help, recovery books I have read simplify and identify the two directions (choices) we have that can change our entire life……. Either you are walking towards fear, or walking towards love. When it comes to relationships, I defensively, once unconsciously clung tight to Fear Avenue. I still do, today, but I am edging closer and closer to the embassy to love. At 52 I realize, boring is good. Boring means consistency, accountability, dependability. There is much truth in women liking “bad boys”, at least for me. I have nothing left in ambition, desire to travel this road anymore. Fear of being hurt has me wear a cloak of armoire which is slowly being dismantled. I want to be in a relationship, I want to feel safe, thus willing to trust another with my heart. I know it will take one very patient special man. I love the song by Train “Bruises”….. ‘we’ve all got bruises’.
I guess I’ve rambled on enough for this one post. I am grateful to have learned, through travesties, self preservation. I share only what I want others to know, only those things that I am comfortable sharing. A natural survivor mode that came late in life for me. “You wear your heart on your sleeve”, something that I heard over and over in my life. I guess I still do, but no where near the depth that I once did. I am grateful for maturity, I am grateful for growth. I am grateful for my ability to be alone, one with myself, I am good company. I am also grateful for the desire, and inching towards Love. Fear sucks.
In honesty, I have offered you this part of me…. in hopes that my sharing will help another…. xo!