Tag Archives: independence

I’m a big girl now -Dylan

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Today I drove to China Town, Boston to become a patient at Tufts Dental School.   My last trip down was a fiasco, forgot my wallet, etc., but this trip?  Pretty good!  As I walked around the markets, restaurants I thought of this Bob Dylan song from “Blood on the Tracks”.   http://spotify:track:4ukHl5HFRNARRnIWc4Oj83  Well, It’s “You’re a big girl now!”

Make no mistake, I’m a country girl.   I love the mountains, back roads, wild life, nature, but for today?     China Town Boston proved to be fun.   It will never make me want to live in a city…. EVER!    I feel most comfortable, safest nestled between and surrounded by mountains.   I think I always will.

On the trip home I had my front windows down and rock playing.   It was great.   I do not know where I would be without art, without music…. one in the same.     It was one of those rides where what bothered me in past, today was acknowledged, accepted.    A sense of acceptance for who I am, where I am.  A desire to just be.    Happy!  I would like to share that while on Beacon Street a convertible whizzed by me (opposite direction) and they were listening to…. ready?   Are you REALLY ready?   “The Archie’s!”.     I laughed, remembering a scene from a Sigourney Weaver movie where a serial killer left “The Archie’s” playing in a vw bug with one of their victims.  Hey,  If The Archie’s does it for them?  Good on you!  Have fun!   Sing to your hearts desire, and enjoy this beautiful day.  When I reached Vermont, like clockwork for me, I pulled over, admired the view and said to myself “My God, I live here!”    New England is beautiful.  Just beautiful.

I was thinking about my life today.  The journeys that I found myself on.   Certainly not all roses (which I’m allergic to) and whipped crème (which I love!).   It is the most difficult treks that have brought the most growth in me.    And thinking back on my career, going through breast cancer, traveling days after a surgery (or four), I did what I had to do to pay my bills, keep my house, and get through some pretty shitty times.    A phone call with a girlfriend from Newfoundland, Canada said to me “Those were the days.  I would pick up a Paintworks’ magazine looking for your latest design(s).   I sat in awe of that statement, and at the same time, shocked.    Could it be that the hardest time of my life, the time that I poured into my career, mostly out of need, could it be that these were my shining hours?   And then I smiled and reflected back on my accomplishments, milestones.    It was nice to be reminded of who I was, and perhaps still am, perhaps not.  Who knows?   And more importantly, who really cares?   It is who I am becoming that interests me most.

Great day.   Hope yours was too!      Hugz!

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Step…. A step is not permanancy but a means to get where we want and need to go.

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You know the kind….  a childhood friend that you see in the grocery store, she whips out a LONG accordion full of pictures of her children, pets, grandchildren, garden….   Well, while I have been overly excited about a business opportunity, not to mention a kick butt product, I have NOT exposed every person I meet with an accordion of before and after pics, but I surely have scared some people off with my enthusiasm.     I am getting a handle on it now.   Sort of “You can bring them to water but not make them drink”.     One would think I would have learned my lesson with what seems like my life long quest to “rescue” an alcoholic from himself.    I find myself humbled once again…. I know not what is best for another….  Leave that to them!

Deep sighs.    I have to some how harness this excitement to build my own business, not try to show another the opportunity.    That’s me though.  When I see something that I know can help others, can quite possibly change their lives, in positive form, I want to help.   I want to share it with others I care about.  Well, I’m having to step back, sort of like what is stated in 12 step groups.  It’s a program of attraction, not promotion.    Okay, Okay, regroup, I can do this.    And I’m going to!   It’s not easy reframing from the overwhelming feelings of excitement I feel, from that which I have seen, experienced.    I’m EXCITED!    Still, unless I want people to dodge me, running in the opposite direction as me in grocery store aisles, walmart departments, I guess I’m going to need to change my approach.    🙂

So with the help of a friend I’ve been working towards placing Sophie, the german shepherd I rescued, in GSD Rescue.   This hasn’t been without tears, without sadness.     I knew when I took her in that if my only reason to take her was to get her into a healthier situation, even temporary, this is what I needed to do.   Six months later my heart and pocket book are at odds, and for the benefit of all, she can and should be placed with someone who has the means to give her the healthcare she needs and deserves.    My friend said “This isn’t failure, this is a success story.  You were her “step” to a good life”.   I am holding that close to me.    I love this dog.   As much as she is a pain in the ass, she is a very sweet, lovable, funny dog who will make someone a wonderful loyal companion.     I think about it like this.  If I had a child that needed a life saving surgery and I couldn’t afford it, but there was another family who could, and wanted to give that to her… isn’t it in the child’s best interest to get them into a good situation where they can have their needs met?   Wouldn’t it be selfish of me to keep her, diminishing her chance of health, for my own desires?   I have both learned and lived about heartbreak.   It’s inevitable at times.   But the opportunity that is being given is one that I am so very grateful for.  Breed specific rescue.   These people, no matter what the breed, are passionate about what they do.   Sophie will be given the best chance at life when I place her in their hands.   Won’t be easy, not only for me but the other furries, but it is out of love for her that I am doing this.    Remind me of this when the day comes that she goes to live with someone else and a new roll of toilet paper is no where near long enough to dry my tears!

So, I’m off to take a nap.  Have been sick for a couple three days with cold like symptoms.    I’m going to go veg out on the couch and watch training videos on my NEW BIZ!

What if?   What if?    What if you, too, were handed the vehicle to grow, succeed, change your life???????????    Exciting!  Now, pulling my enthusiasm back in before I swat a few more people over the head with it.    :):):)

Sending out loving and healing through to Joan Lundon, on her battle with breast cancer….

 

Look at all the open windows!

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Even sporting a migraine hangover I am excited about a business venture I have rejoined.  Thank God it’s a kick butt product because I’m not a sales person.  This product sells itself.  If you are interested in real results from an anti aging crème, part time flexible work, set your own pace, let me know.   I’m not going to plaster this daily in my blogs or on my facebook.  Not my style.   I am excited because the potential here is limitless.   I am excited because I am once again believing that my life can and will change for the better!   I’m the only one who can change my life and guess what?  I’m going to do it!  Want to do so with me?

Today I recognized that the once all consuming and encompassing thoughts about my addiction have slowed down.  Likewise, the buttons that others pushed in me, which served as an excuse, or where I went to escape from the discomfort… Well, these buttons have slowed way down.  I am speaking my truth, standing up for myself when I feel the need, thus lessening my need to get a “fix”.   I am  slowly gaining control of what once ruled and dictated my life.  I am grateful, extremely grateful.

I’ve also been thinking about how much I’ve grown, and how much I intend of growing.   If only I could have “one more conversation” with those I’ve loved, those I’ve lost.   My growth has turned up new findings, a better understanding of things in which I could not understand prior.   Satisfaction and self pride with the work I’m doing, what I’m learning, the goals I am setting… I want to share with them.  If only.  So now I need to open up my heart to others, allow others to get close to me, allowing them to learn from me, and me, them.  It’s crazy how fast my thinking, my perspective changes.  Growth is a wonderful thing but it can also be a mighty scary thing.

Clinging to the “known” is safest for me, I think for many of us.    Keeping my hands open to new things coming my way instead of holding on with a death grip to that which is familiar.   If I never open my heart and mind to change then what would I ‘become’?  Nothing more than I am at this very minute!    Putting on my big girl panties, peeling the layers off the mind set, expectations of perfectionism, I realize I am my own worst enemy.    I am limiting myself, my chances of happiness, of success by keeping my mind closed to that which is known and comfortable.  I am deflating the opportunity to expand my horizons, to live better, to have better things in life.  What if… dare I say it, what if I COULD in fact have the things that I tell myself I don’t want or need.  It’s all “luxury”.   Hmmm, what if?  What if?  Holy crap… WHAT IF?

I’m reaching out my arms to newfound hope.  I’m am embracing dreams of past and daring to dream of present.   I am the only one that can change my life, my circumstances, if I am not willing to try, to give it my all and let go of trying to control the outcome, what will I be?  The very same person that I am today.   Not that I am a bad person, quite the contrary, but allowing myself to do, to be all that I know I can be… I ask you, is there any greater a gift we can give ourselves?  That I can gift myself with?

So many times I’ve heard “One door closes, another one opens”.    I am learning that if I will only go with the flow, allow the natural order of change to take me on my next adventure, what will I be?  Who will I be?   I am and always will be an artist.   I love this part of me.  I accept that I’m out in left field when most are in right.  I love that I see things differently than many.   I love that colors, textures exhilarate me.  I love that I am able to make something out of nothing, and bring the things I “see” to fruition, reality.   I love that I have so many different avenues in which to express my artistic self.     I love that I am once again open to learn, to grown.  That I’ve learned that perhaps I was in fact, trying TOO hard thus overlooking the obvious? the given? anew?

I know not how long I shall rise to another day.  I know not what is in store for me.  But one thing I surely know, if I’m not willing to open up my hands, open up my heart, to allow myself to be vulnerable to pain, I have in fact imprisoned myself in darkness.  I deserve better!

I’m off to seek out my own truth today.  I’m off to smell the fresh air of the open window I’ve been avoiding, or distracting myself from accepting.  Isn’t it funny how in our quest to “NOT” be something, someone, we become a clone of it?

Go seek out your truth today.  Go check the scenery out to the window that you, too, may have been ignoring.   Let’s open up our hands, our hearts to a better life…

 

Today, just for today, I am going to get out of my own way!!!!!!!!!!

Country girl…

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Having just licked my fingers for the remainder of the butter that was on my english muffin… the same English muffin that I also frosted with sugar free jelly… I acknowledged to myself the ridiculousness of this.   I like butter.  I don’t want to eat plastic (margarine) or the supposed butter clones that are healthier, I want butter!   I love butter!  It’s sort of like going to a restaurant and having French fries, fried seafood and a diet pepsi.

As a kid in grade school my best friend’s parents owned a dairy farm.   We would frequently visit the area where the vats of fresh milk were and skim the top of the milk, thus whipped cream.  It was better than ice cream.   I’m sure now the Department of Agriculture would frown on this, or worse yet, fine you.

Why am I sharing these mundane details of my day?    Well, yesterday, on my way home from running errands I was totally aware of and enjoying my surroundings.   I love going by the farms, we have such a beautiful working farm here, generations of family owned “The Miller Farm” that I admire every time I pass.   They used to put vegetables out for sale and a tin can for you to pay for them.  With my hands firmly on the steering wheel, sitting up straight, I existed and were “in the moment”.   I love the country.   The authenticity test of loving country life is a smile at the smell of manure (well, I admit, sometimes it’s enough to make me gag).   The smell of freshly mown hay, grass, the sighting of farm animals, wildlife, nature, running brooks, dirt roads, chimneys bellowing smoke lending warmth to it’s creator, wood piles, well they are not only a daily sighting in my life, some a staple in it.    I feel secure within the mountains and I love the energy they emit.  I am a country girl and I love Vermont.

I have spent time in cities, 30 other states.  I appreciate and seen many different ways of life, culture of others.   I feel the busy energy as I am first driving into Boston, New York City and the many others cities I have visited.  The fast pace hustle and bustle holds within it evidence for all five senses, smell being my least favorite.   I have been gifted with a trip to Newfoundland, Canada, a cruise in the Caribbean.  I visited the Myan Ruins in Tulum Mexico, stayed at a 5 star resort and zip lined over a jungle in Mexico.  I have climbed Diamond Head crater on Oahu, Hawaii, and while I am not what you would call a world traveler, I am grateful for where I have been, what I have been privileged to see.    Still, within the scope of all of these beautiful places, upon my return, when I start to see the mountains, signs of country, rural living, I smile,  I am home.  I am a country girl and I love Vermont.

My surroundings are breathtaking and the seasons bring more than a temperature change,  With it comes many chores.    I am no stranger to shoveling or raking snow off from my roofs, chipping ice, sanding and salting my driveway, my walkways, throwing wood into the pickup, throwing it out, stacking it and gathering kindling, starting a fire.   I am no stranger to the hazards of driving on what others may consider primitive style roads.  I own a lawn mower, a wheel barrel, this contraption that they call a “snake” to help unclog drains, pipelines.  I drive a jeep, and truly enjoy venturing into the woods with my furries in the back seat.  The quiet, the beauty, the sights all breathe joy into my lungs.  I have reluctantly participated in the cleaning of chickens that my father and sister just slaughtered and plucked, fed livestock and more.  I drive 40 minutes or so to the nearest mall, and 15 or 20 minutes to the closest grocery store or bank.  I grew up in and live in a town which have no street or traffic lights, that have volunteer firemen.  A flashlight is one of the survivor tools of the trade, particularly on a midnight run to the outhouse!    I own and operate a saws, hammers, screw drivers and my favorite, a wrecking bar.  My tools that may surprise you.  I have fished for dinner and brought home pizza, have camped in the wilderness in just a sleeping bag underneath the stars and skinny dipped in ponds and lakes at dusk.   I have tiled floors, wall papered and painted walls, sanded floors, dug out walkways and laid 20″ heavy blocks.   I know what it’s like to live in the country, to be self sufficient.   I also know what it’s like to be so fed up with Winter that I swore I would never live through another winter in New England.  Just when we’re all about to jump ship, put a “For Sale” sign on my house, just when we’re climbing the walls and suffocating in cabin fever, spring will show welcomed signs of its arrival, of rebirth and the changed attitude “I can do this, I can do this”.   As soon as the weather is warm enough to go outside in just a sweatshirt (well, jeans too!) the memories of the harshness of the past winter fade away and are replaced with the awe of the new season.    Our backs may heal from the shoveling but are once again tested with rakes, hoes, and again shovels if gardening.   I have grown vegetables and eaten cucumbers and tomatoes right off the vine and delighted in fresh eggs that bring with them the most beautiful color of yellow you can imagine, and the tastiest of eggs.    I have eaten venison, sugared off (making maple syrup) with family, with friends and enjoyed what we New Englander’s call “Sugar on Snow”.  Yes, I know what it’s like to do physical work, to maintain my home, my land to the best of my ability through the trials and tribulations of all four seasons, living, surviving independently and reveled in the benefits, the outcome of all.  Yes, I am a country girl and I love Vermont.

I have owned rabbits and chickens, dogs and cats, ridden horses, ponies and a mule.  I have climbed trees, rode a toboggan down a steep hill, skied the prettiest of mountains, skated on frozen ponds and once fell partially into freezing water and was thankfully rescued.   I’ve cooked marshmallows and hot dogs on a stick that I cut in the woods and dined in exclusive restaurants atop five star hotels.  I have learned, through experience, that I am allergic to bees.   I have been bit by dogs, nipped by horses, been stuck in the mud, the snow, and have walked out of a boot barefoot, from the boot being sucked into the mud with such grip that I was unable to pull it out.      I’ve walked on railroad tracks, walked in the rain and been on a lake in an aluminum boat when a thunderstorm has rolled in.  I’ve picked apples and pears, strawberries, peas, clipped pussy willows and rhubarb, made the prettiest of wreaths and florals from materials hunted in the woods or my own yard.    Yes, I am a country girl and I love Vermont.

When I take the time to sit back, to review,  and in this case write about so many things I’ve done, my cheeks pucker upward, a smile comes to my face, I have been blessed.  I am blessed.   Yes, I am a country girl and I love Vermont.

As my joints grow painful, my back amiss, and the cost of living rises, I am not sure that this is where I will always live.      I sometimes long for an easier life, a house on a lake equipped with a rocking horse on the porch and a partner carrying in the wood to start a fire in the stone fireplace.    I sometimes long to have less responsibility, to be able to go back to the archaic “women’s work” and let someone else to the labor.    I sometimes long to trade in my wool lined barn coat for a long cashmere coat, my sorrels for fashion boots, and my hats and gloves for regular, more frequent manicures and pedicures.  I sometimes want to bolt from the challenges that comes with living in the country, and trade my house in for a condo.  I sometimes want to live where I never have to do these chores again.  But you know what?   I will always own cowboy boots, I will always hold dear, of my upbringing and years living in New England, in Vermont.    Don’t get me wrong, however and visual me being a hick from the country who picks my teeth at the dinner table.  I can dress to the nines and hold my own while socializing, and have many times, shocked others when they find out I am a Vermonter.  Not sure what the Vermont stereotype is, but I assure you, while we do have “country folk” who talk with a back hills drawl, many of us are or can be sophisticated, abiding proper dress and etiquette when necessary.  When all is said and done, when I climb into bed and pull the covers up to my neck, I smile, I thank God for the life I have known, living in rural New England.  I am a country girl, and I love Vermont.  I so love Vermont!   ♥♥♥