If you were given one point in your life that you could return to, and could change the direction you were going, what would it be? Do you see this as a regret? As growth? Or the ole “hindsight is 20/20”. I’ve been asked on numerous occasions, if you had to go back and do it all over again would you want to? My stock and honest answer is always “If I could go back with the knowledge that I have now!”
So let’s look at that. At what age would you be again? What decision would you make differently? And more importantly, what changes, and what outcome would you be looking for?
When I was a teen “artex” was big. And I did this wall hanging for my grandparents “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”. Recollecting difficult times when a loved ones future was counted in “days”, what would you want to do for the “rest of your life?”
I have never been a materialistic person, except when it comes to my art supplies. I have spent a lifetime trying to make a difference in someone else’s life. And I’ve learned that this is one area that I cannot or will not “skimp”. Why? Because it grounds me, my creativity defines a large portion of me, but most importantly, it brings me peace, something that I strive for on a daily basis. If granted one wish, what would it be? Some would say “win the lottery”, others would say “one more day”, and my answer would say “peace”. I would like whatever days I have remaining to be at peace with myself regardless of others and their actions.
I look around my studio and I see the multitude of mediums that bring me joy. And there are days, like the last couple of days, where I cannot accomplish that which I want to, and I cannot find the peace I long and strive for. Sleep becomes my best friend, and even then, when that which isn’t settled starts to rear its ugly head in dreams, then I know, it’s time to look at something, and probably something that I don’t want to. Gulps.
“If this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear”… When you stop telling yourself, or allowing others to tell you what you should or shouldn’t feel, what you should or shouldn’t do, what you want or don’t want in your life; When you quiet all outside feedback, and self defense, or the like, then you are sitting with your truth. This can be a fairly lonely place to be, but getting back to peace, I’ve learned in my life that if I cannot find peace, then chances are very good that there is something in my life that I’m not accepting, that I’m not looking at, or allowing myself to look at, feel, then find acceptance in. In short, acceptance for me equals peace, no matter the topic, the rights, the wrongs.
When was the last time you shut out the world, and all of it’s influences, including people, belongings, actions, and just sat quietly with yourself. Have you ever done this? What “truth” did you come to? Was it good? Was it bad? Indifferent? Colorful? Black? White? Have you ever really been alone? Have you allowed yourself the freedom or being alone? Or do you see that as scary? Unthinkable? Frightening? Lonely?
I’ve known loneliness in my life, and I’ve known and experienced great love. I’ve also spent the majority of the last 12 or so years alone, and once getting over the initial shock, and realizing after many black and blues and heartache, that I don’t need someone beside me to “validate” me, or my worth, and likewise, someone whose selfish goals are to somehow gain from your reaps, (but worse?) tragedies.
I find much more peace now in solitude. I am good company for myself, and my interests and desires to learn and create keep me chugging away along the road that is sometimes paved and other times, barely visible, but I set my sights on what I want, and when I do that, when I focus on that (again, without “static” from others), it becomes attainable and the finish line may be the focus, but it isn’t the prize. The prize is the growth and experiences that happen while getting there.
These days solitude means peace for me. My home is my haven, and I only invite those in who understand this, who want what is best for me, who come to visit me with all my bling or scars with desire to know where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, without judgement or hidden agendas. And if I am only inviting these types of creatures, or people into my home, then why would I also allow my own behavior to squelch my day? Self sabotage needs to go, yesterday.