The warm temps and sunshine have melted much of the snow away. There are now large patches of ground, dead grass, exposed. I was so excited to walk on this. Apparently the animals also were excited as Lilly Wonka rolled down the hill on her back not once, but twice. The proof of her extravagance are the twigs and leaves that remain nestled in her furry curls. She’s a goofball and doesn’t care. Oh how nice it is to see evidence that Spring is coming, signs popping up here and there. There is a large squirrel resting on my butternut tree. He’s mighty chunky and happy to feel the sun, too.
I just looked over my shoulder at my painting area which I abandoned about three weeks ago. I have been working on winter scenes, obviously inspired by my surroundings. Well, it reached a point where I couldn’t even face the canvas! Even a blank white canvas was discouraging to look at. I focused, instead, on another medium, still exercising my love for color, texture, and the ability to make something out of nothing. Ah yes, creating…
Today I want to talk about being true to myself. I feel like I am being true to myself when I write, design (jewelry, needlecraft) and of course, paint. I am being true to being right brain dominant. For years I pushed that aside out of need, carrying a full time job with which I had to put all creativity aside to perform the tasks I was hired to do. I never did find balance there, being an all or nothing thinker.
I am true to myself when I am taking care of myself. This is an area that needs attention. I am taking care of myself when twice a week I attend therapy, when I keep appointments with my health care providers. I am being true to myself when I say “no” to others. I am being true to myself when I set boundaries with others. I am being true to myself when I am being honest with myself, first, then others. These are all areas in which I have improved tremendously.
I am being true to myself by staying single instead of “settling”.
I am being true to myself when I help another, am kind to another, practice random acts of kindness. I am being true to myself when I give of myself, my time to others.
We all have areas in which we could improve upon, hone. I think I’m fairly adept at what these areas for me are. I think the largest area right now is taking care of my body, this precious vessel I was given at birth. When I had lost a significant amount of weight a couple years ago it was because I wanted to know what it feels like, before I die, to have balance in all areas; Mental, physical and spiritual. I have been thinking about this quite frequently lately. I remember as I was going through my days, free of sugar, addiction, I was astounded as to how much time I had spent thinking about my imperfect self, my imperfect body. “Am I the fattest in the room? What do I want to eat today? And a barrage of other negative connotations that distracted me from other areas of my life, happy, peaceful, serene thinking, and indeed loving and taking care of myself.
I am being true to myself when I admire nature. The squirrels, chipmunks, watching out for fox, deer, coy dogs. When I observe how beautiful my surroundings are, in any and all seasons. When I study the branches on a tree, pull over from driving and take pictures of scenes that inspire me to paint, to create. When my eyes follow a hawk, any bird, smile when I see them lifted by a thermal. They just got a free ride, baby! When I am walking through the woods, admiring the view, aware of my footing, exercising both myself and my dogs. When I do not allow approval from others to rein. Basically I am being true to myself when I participate in things that I love to do, within reason. Is this behavior, this decision stepping me towards peace? harmony? serenity with myself?
I am being true to myself (bet you are sick of those six words by now 😉 ) When I love myself and others without judgment. When I “accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. -The Serenity Prayer
As I set out on this day of errands, appointments, taking care of responsibilities I am going to, today, find the positive in all things, stay calm in the face of conflict and participate in things that I perhaps do not want to, or like to, but are good for me, are in the direction of where I want to go. A drive by to Dunkin Donuts, phone calls to creditors, making doctors appointments with my ophthalmologist, my oncologist, my dentist, doing housework for the sole reason of how good I feel when my house is clean, organized, inserting pride in my stride. When I sit down at my painting table and reacquaint myself with my brushes, free of self criticism or critiquing. Just let the brush flow in the direction it is meant to.
You see, my fingers may be hitting the keyboard to write this blog, my hands may grip the paintbrushes and my eyes visualizing in what direction, what method they should go…but I believe this is a channeling from another. I don’t know how to explain it. Most times when I return to and read a blog I’ve written I think to myself…Where did that come from? I wrote that? Feelings, thoughts similar to those when I have reached my destination after driving there and not knowing how the hell I got there? You have experienced this too. It’s sort of scary and sort of cool, right?
I am always guided. Sometimes I defy it, and typically that ends disastrously. I am always given what I need. I just need to show up, and be true to myself, no matter how it feels. The old adage “No pain, no gain” rings true. Taking care of myself, being true to myself isn’t always a walk through a park, nor a constant tunnel of darkness. It is being brave enough, having courage enough to show up and walk the walk.
Off to put on my hiking boots…..!