Tag Archives: holiday blues

Keep walking forward

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As typical of having been on vacation, I came home to a to do list longer than my arm.   Included in this was standing up for myself in a couple forums.  One with someone close to me, who is aging, and not a force to be reckoned with, another being the car rental place who tried charging me $179 more than what was contracted for.      I’m a passive person by nature.  I hate confrontation, but I’ve learned that in order to be in business for myself, and in order to take care of myself, I have to learn to do so.

Prayed the whole time I was handling both situations.    The first one was hardest, telling someone what they are saying is false, untrue,  no matter how strongly they rebelled against it.  And keeping my cool when I was being accused of something that I didn’t do, or would never do!   I think we were both shocked at how I handled the situation.  While I will lose some money in the deal, it is nothing compared to what could have been lost, had I not stood up for myself.  I will recover from this.     And I took NO satisfaction in having to tell someone I care about that what they believe to be true, was in fact, untrue.  But I did it.

Alongside that is the realization and reality that they are losing ground.   It’s easy to take others for granted, I mean, we do that to live.   We assume when we leave our yards, that all drivers we come in contact with are sober, able, and alert.    We have to drive defensively, and consciously, but we can’t leave our yard on a daily basis and think about the possible dangers of accidents, and sadly, more recently terrorists.

I was cleaning my studio and heard gun shots.   Now, I’ve lived around guns my entire life.   In past I wouldn’t think even twice about it, but not anymore.  I stop what I am doing and listen.   Say a prayer, and then try to move beyond what could be disastrous fear.    We have to have faith that we will go do our errands, go enjoy our vacation, if we are fortunate enough to have that opportunity, and know we will be home afterwards, tired, cranky, but alive and well.

I have heard some very painful, painful stories this past few days.  People that I know and care about are hurting, some with physical pain which in itself is a life changer, and some experiencing tremendous loss.  It’s always unfortunate when someone passes around the holidays.  The holidays are tough enough for most of us anyway.    And November has bee notoriously a very difficult month for me.  No matter what I focus on, and plan to counter the anniversaries of some very painful life changing events, it still comes up to smack me across my face, and try its best to rip my heart out through my throat.        I know this too shall pass.   It does.   But not without feeling it first.  I know I have no choice but to keep walking.   I think it was Churchill who said, and I quote “When in hell KEEP WALKING!”     Exactly.  Because we give in to the challenges, we stay right there in hell.     But sometimes it’s hard to forge ahead, and in the direction of where we need to go.    Sometimes the best part of a day is knowing you survived it.  It’s just a fact.

I have numerous things going on in my life, mostly all good, but not without stress.   The November crap hit me yesterday, and while it’s only Tuesday, I feel like it should be NEXT Friday!

The holidays are soon approaching.  Time to practice more patience with others, time to go the extra mile to help a neighbor, family member or friend.  Time to make time for someone who needs a hug, or a smile.    Time to let people you know how much you appreciate them, and even though we naturally take things for granted, many of us will experience difficulties that will remind us of how we do just that.

Here’s hoping your day is good, your life is going in the direction you want it to, and that you have a warm, comfortable bed to retire in tonight.     The older I get the more I come in touch with the fact that life really is about the little things, not the grandiose plans or dreams.  It’s about putting one foot in front of the other regardless of the terrain, and doing our very best on days when we know we aren’t feeling our best.    It’s just a fact of life.    My father used to tell us “to pull ourselves up by our boot straps!”      “You’re the only one who can do it for yourself”.     Today I can say, gratefully, that I did what needed to be done today, and while it wasn’t all pleasant, I did great.   Hope you did, too!

 

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Alas, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight!

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I am so grateful that this day is almost over.  I’ve taken my evening meds and I’m hoping they work slick and quick.   Merry Christmas all, Merry Christmas.  Now let’s dump the television commercials with perfectly unflawed skin, dressed to the nines in velvet, sparkling diamonds and happy times. Let us return to normalcy, the murders, the kidnapping, the dead bodies thrown in for an added bonus.  Okay, Okay, so I’m trying my hand at dark humor, give me a break!

It has been an extremely long day for me.   I didn’t expect this as I thought I was doing so well prior to Christmas Eve.    It is almost over, it is almost over, it is almost over.  Today I could not escape the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness.   Tomorrow will surely be better.

Today my mind has been drifting to a friendship which I thought was genuine.  While other friends warned me of this, that I was being used by an opportunist, I dismissed their concerns, they obviously did not know this person.  Yet the proof is always in the pudding.  The only time I would hear from them is if they wanted or needed something from me.   Even this I dismissed for a long time because friend’s help each other out, right?  Anyway, live and learn.  I wish sometimes I were cold and callous not caring about things like this.   Instead of feeling hurt, to just brush it off and move on, but that is so, not me.    One would think in my 50′s I could spot this early on.   Live and learn I say, live and learn.

I have oodles of paperwork and details to take care of tomorrow and Friday.  I’m hoping that it goes smoothly.  With the sour mood I am in today, I cannot believe that this will change by daybreak! I can’t even stand myself today! .

Today I looked at local adoptions for dogs.  My Lilly really misses her brother and she is happiest when she is around another dog.   I also think it might help me with my loneliness.  You know, like those people who get pregnant to get more government money?  Or the couple who has children because they think it’s going to cure whatever is ailing their marriage?   Man, we are talking one ugly woman tonight, eh?

With Christmas behind it’s now time to review this year, which I started doing last month, and think about what I aspire to do in 2014.   I aspire to be in a better mood!  It’s a defense mechanism.   I know I’m not alone with the difficulties of this holiday.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been having nose bleeds, 3 today, and my cheeks feel like they’ve been hit by a baseball!   On goes the vaporizer tonight.

Wherever you are, whoever you were or weren’t with, I hope you had a nice day, and if not, I hope you have hung in there, as today is almost past.   I do not care to wish my life away, just the bee sting of this day.

Off to bed where I will say my prayers of gratitude, ask for help for those in need and perhaps include myself on that list tonight.

God speed……………

Peace to all….

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Well, the Postmaster really wasn’t upset when I piled my many packages on the counter.   I was surprised that I only had to wait in line about 5 minutes.   I was thankful there was no one behind me, at least for the first couple minutes.   Then I felt daggers going into the back of my head, my body.  Suddenly there was 5 people in line and they didn’t appreciate how long they had to wait.    Made me think of when I do that.  I am leering at the person in front of the line (anywhere) who has a zillion things.  Guess I should be a little bit more patient, eh?  

This holiday season isn’t painful for me, sure I miss those I love and have lost, but I have a dear friend who recently lost her mom.  My heart goes out to her.  I know, from experience, there isn’t anything I can do or say that will take her pain away.   I know the “firsts” of everything after losing someone are so difficult.  That is an understatement.  Being that her passing was only several weeks ago, it must hurt like hell.   Normally she loves the holidays.  She is a giver, and enjoys buying gifts (on non holidays too) for others, is always mailing out cards.  She is a thoughtful person.  Her words went right to my heart and tears flowed down my face when she stated she hasn’t decorated, bought any presents, etc.   Her house is always decked out with red poinsettias this time of year.    I’m sure she will do some decorating, and I know she can’t not buy her beautiful granddaughters presents, I just wish Santa would bring her a little bit of peace, relief.

I was thinking about last year at this time, Sandy Hook.  How frigan awful was that.   No doubt all the parents, siblings are in the “anniversary mode” where the only thing you can think of is the trauma of last year, the trauma and the travesty that took place.  My prayers go out to all of these people.

A facebook friend posted last night that her granddaughter went to heaven.   There were no details, some pictures however of this beautiful newborn baby.  One with her sister holding her.   Tears fell down my face with this one, too.

The point I am trying to make is not that life sucks.  Frankly, sometimes it does.  But it cannot hurt to offer prayers for those less fortunate, those in emotional of physical pain, those who are alone this holiday season.   Whenever I am sad, someone is always put in my path to help me gain perspective, that things aren’t as bad as they could be.  Still, this doesn’t nor should it invalidate whatever I am going through.   This year I am doing well.   I have only minimally decorated, I don’t have a tree, but for the most part, my heart is filled with memories and love and the spirit of Christmas is within my heart.  I am grateful for this.  I am grateful that I am not in the throws of grief.

I have a friend coming over to look at my wares, looking for a gift.    There is clean laundry piled high in a chair and dirty laundry scattered all over my kitchen floor, the dishes aren’t done, the place hasn’t been vacuumed in days….and I?  I have yet to shower.  May the force be with them.

And peace to all…….and to all a good night.