Tag Archives: highs

To thine own self, be true


The warm temps and sunshine have melted much of the snow away.  There are now large patches of ground, dead grass, exposed.   I was so excited to walk on this.  Apparently the animals also were excited as Lilly Wonka rolled down the hill on her back not once, but twice.  The proof of her extravagance are the twigs and leaves that remain nestled in her furry curls.   She’s a goofball and doesn’t care.   Oh how nice it is to see evidence that Spring is coming, signs popping up here and there.  There is a large squirrel resting on my butternut tree.  He’s mighty chunky and happy to feel the sun, too.

I just looked over my shoulder at my painting area which I abandoned about three weeks ago.   I have been working on winter scenes, obviously inspired by my surroundings.  Well, it reached a point where I couldn’t even face the canvas!   Even a blank white canvas was discouraging to look at.   I focused, instead, on another medium, still exercising my love for color, texture, and the ability to make something out of nothing.   Ah yes, creating…

Today I want to talk about being true to myself.    I feel like I am being true to myself when I write, design (jewelry, needlecraft) and of course, paint.   I am being true to being right brain dominant.   For years I pushed that aside out of need, carrying a full time job with which I had to put all creativity aside to perform the tasks I was hired to do.   I never did find balance there, being an all or nothing thinker.

I am true to myself when I am taking care of myself.   This is an area that needs attention.   I am taking care of myself when twice a week I attend therapy, when I keep appointments with my health care providers.  I am being true to myself when I say “no” to others.  I am being true to myself when I set boundaries with others.   I am being true to myself when I am being honest with myself, first, then others.   These are all areas in which I have improved tremendously.

I am being true to myself by staying single instead of “settling”.       

I am being true to myself when I help another, am kind to another, practice random acts of kindness.  I am being true to myself when I give of myself, my time to others. 

We all have areas in which we could improve upon, hone.  I think I’m fairly adept at what these areas for me are.    I think the largest area right now is taking care of my body, this precious vessel I was given at birth.    When I had lost a significant amount of weight a couple years ago it was because I wanted to know what it feels like, before I die, to have balance in all areas;  Mental, physical and spiritual.  I have been thinking about this quite frequently lately.   I remember as I was going through my days, free of sugar, addiction, I was astounded as to how much time I had spent thinking about my imperfect self, my imperfect body.   “Am I the fattest in the room?  What do I want to eat today?  And a barrage of other negative connotations that distracted me from other areas of my life, happy, peaceful, serene thinking, and indeed loving and taking care of myself.

I am being true to myself when I admire nature.  The squirrels, chipmunks, watching out for fox, deer, coy dogs.  When I observe how beautiful my surroundings are, in any and all seasons.  When I study the branches on a tree, pull over from driving and take pictures of scenes that inspire me to paint, to create.     When my eyes follow a hawk, any bird, smile when I see them lifted by a thermal.  They just got a free ride, baby!   When I am walking through the woods, admiring the view, aware of my footing, exercising both myself and my dogs.   When I do not allow approval from others to rein.   Basically I am being true to myself when I participate in things that I love to do, within reason.  Is this behavior, this decision stepping me towards peace? harmony? serenity with myself?  

I am being true to myself (bet you are sick of those six words by now 😉 ) When I love myself and others without judgment.  When I “accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.  -The Serenity Prayer

As I set out on this day of errands, appointments, taking care of responsibilities I am going to, today, find the positive in all things, stay calm in the face of conflict and participate in things that I perhaps do not want to, or like to, but are good for me, are in the direction of where I want to go.   A drive by to Dunkin Donuts, phone calls to creditors, making doctors appointments with my ophthalmologist, my oncologist, my dentist, doing housework for the sole reason of how good I feel when my house is clean, organized, inserting pride in my stride.  When I sit down at my painting table and reacquaint myself with my brushes, free of self criticism or critiquing.  Just let the brush flow in the direction it is meant to.

You see, my fingers may be hitting the keyboard to write this blog, my hands may grip the paintbrushes and my eyes visualizing in what direction, what method they should go…but I believe this is a channeling from another.  I don’t know how to explain it.    Most times when I return to and read a blog I’ve written I think to myself…Where did that come from?  I wrote that?   Feelings, thoughts similar to those when I have reached my destination after driving there and not knowing how the hell I got there?  You have experienced this too.  It’s sort of scary and sort of cool, right?

I am always guided.  Sometimes I defy it, and typically that ends disastrously.  I am always given what I need.   I just need to show up, and be true to myself, no matter how it feels.   The old adage “No pain, no gain” rings true.  Taking care of myself, being true to myself isn’t always a walk through a park, nor a constant tunnel of darkness.  It is being brave enough, having courage enough to show up and walk the walk.

Off to put on my hiking boots…..!


Which came first, being chicken or the ego?


For those of you who have read my blog, you know I am a fan of the ID (Investigation Discovery) channel.   This morning I was doing some housework and “listening”.   The commentator shared a comment that struck me to a point of heightened eyebrows.   He said “If his reputation is damaged, his life is over”…which ended up being the motive for killing his soon to be ex wife.    I sat down, grabbed the remote control, rewound it…Yep, that was what I heard.  “If his reputation is damaged, his life is over”.

Too many times on these programs the motive is to hide a secret, a dirty secret.   I didn’t listen to what he was hiding, I didn’t care.  This phrase just struck me.  “If his reputation is damaged, his life is over”.   Really?

I thought of how stupid that comment was.    Mind you, I am not underestimating the mentality or ego driven homicides that happen everyday.   I think the word “narcissism” can be used to describe many of these murderers, these criminals.   Narcissism not being quite as cold as evil.   So why did that comment bug me?

It is simple.  It has been the roughest, most difficult times in my life when I experience the most growth.  It is when I am humbled that I become one with my gratitude.  My mind isn’t bouncing from here to there, with a tongue that flippantly says “I am grateful…”.  The truth is, I am grateful daily, for the things I do recognize as gifts in my life.   But when I am humbled, when I am scraping bottom and feeling like my happiness is gone forever, that my life now has no purpose, that my pain will never end, my bruised ego gets pushed to the side.  What replaces it, at first, is a steady flow of self pity.  But eventually that gets old and I’m forced to look at my situation, my shortcomings, my problems head on.   The very thing that displaces my hurt ego has the impetus to become an eventful, meaningful, powerful change in my perspective, thus my life.

I recall two occasions in my early 30’s when I went through what I then called “hell”.  One being a divorce from my second husband with whom I had been married for 10 years.    Now, I was working full time, I had good benefits, I was receiving good pay, but his “threats” to sell the house out from under me ruled my mind.   Between the loss of love, betrayal, and images of a cheating spouse in which I had compromised too much over the relationship (basically myself) and the loss of my home being threatened, what was “clear” and indeed a lie was that “my happiness, my life is over”.

As I think about that now I shake my head, in fact I am right now.   Much worse things happened to me in life, and while not invalidating the pain of a broken marriage, it was a time of incredible growth, painstaking growth.   My girlfriend Janice was my saving grace during this time.  Ever my confidant, my friend, my support, I doubt I would have made it through without her.  Not because it was insurmountable but because my unhealthy mental state was leading me down suicide alley.  My crushed ego, my “security”, my life had been turned upside down, thus my thinking not only what would obviously be unsettling, but the mindset in itself was a mine field.  I was my own worst enemy.

Twenty years later, another long term relationship having ended, a new career in the arts which I seeked out, I realize that what was totally devastating then, was the beginning of my life!   Engulfed in misery and pain, it can only last so long before one self destructs or can no longer look at themselves in the mirror.   I certainly didn’t pull myself out of this by myself.  I was given people, places, things that put me in alignment with my desires IF I dared to step away from my sorry self loathing, pain.   The event of this painful divorce helped ready me for the next major change in my life.

What that divorce brought me was the beginning of understanding, there is no security in marriage.  There really is no security in any relationship except your relationship with God, source, whom or whatever you call it.    As difficult as this time was in my life, it would later seem insignificant to things that happened in my life.      It was the beginning of my paving out my life in the terms I wanted it, what I wanted to do, to become aligned with that which I believe I was born to do.   I don’t believe we have one purpose but many.   That time in my life, that separation, divorce actually became my security!     I survived what I thought I never would, and not only that, became a better person.   I was being “pushed” to the next phase of my life.  All I had to do was show up!   But how difficult that can be when we are in despair.

So the comment “If his reputation was lost, his life was over” really made me think about how grateful I am for the things in which dropped me to my knees.    I am grateful I was humbled, I am grateful that I felt humiliated and embarrassed and 100 other things.   My life today, my security today is not based on another person, and while I am considered poor financially, my life is rich with color, family and friends.

I seldom carry “secrets”.  I have learned that we become as sick as our secrets.  I share openly events, both good and bad in my blog.   Chuckling as I recall a male friend saying to me “For someone who is afraid of intimacy you sure do share some personal things in your blog!”   I looked at him and said “Well, I wouldn’t talk about my sex life… even if I had one!”

We are all one.   A person’s financial wealth may societally be high on the totem pole, but that doesn’t make them a better person, or exempt from loss, illnesses, pain.    Perhaps one of the most significantly positive events in their life could be LOSING that societal “security”.  As there really is no security in that.   We are all one in the same.  It is not only basic needs that uniforms our lives similar.    We may have different colored skin, drive different cars, live in smaller or bigger houses, and for some, boxes, we are all one.    We may only be an event, a thought away from new perspective, a perspective that probably will not come without painful consequences, but our lives as a result of this could very well in fact become more purposeful, more meaningful.

I often say that I wouldn’t wish the journey of cancer on anyone, but I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.    Sharing my life’s journey with others is in itself, humbling, but what another person thinks of me no longer rocks the core of my existence.   If nothing else my words are there to help another whom is walking a similar journey.  We are all one, we are all susceptible to things we fear (or don’t fear), and we are all a work in progress.

As has been proven repeatedly to me in my life… when I am aligned all that I need is put in front of me.  After a day of thinking about this, I logged into facebook and read an excerpt from Dr. Wayne Dyer’s new book “I can see clearly now” which speaks of this very thing but much more eloquently! 😉  Validation, a sign, proof for me that I am on the right track.  I am right where I am supposed to be.  My thinking is clear and my perspective on healthy ground.