I have been in a very uncomfortable space. I thought it would rectify itself, after all, avoidance works sometimes! (sarcasm) But nothing was changing, correcting itself.
I’m going to be cryptic here purposefully. Because the end result, the important message comes in the the understanding of self, acceptance of self.
Far from perfect, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I also, naively at times, look at the good in others. Here’s where it gets sticky. But I am REALLY GOOD about looking at the bad in myself! I once walked this earth apologetic for my existence. You can imagine how plowed down I found myself, by others. People close to me took advantage of me, because they could count on my beating the shit out of myself for something, anything I did that may have caused the problem, or at minimal, participated in the problem. While their bad behaviors went unscathed, unaddressed.
As mentioned above, I have been at odds, and out of sorts. The first few weeks I ignored and and the next couple weeks I started to look at my part, and today everything came full circle for me.
I can handle a lot of crap, I have, in fact. I have accepted unacceptable behavior by many, including and most importantly, MYSELF. But today I realized that I was at odds with MYSELF, not because of something I did or said, but that I was allowing another persons behavior to define how I felt about myself. I was feeling sad, bad, guilty, and once I realized this, everything came together for me.
It’s called self respect. No one has the right to make me feel less than (including myself), and I realized today that I was accepting behavior (from another, but more importantly MYSELF), that I swore I would never do or tolerate again. I know, I know, be careful saying the “never” part. But today I realized, it is that I’ve allowed this situation, certain treatment, that was similar to previous experiences, to dictate how I felt about myself in a negative way. Am I perfect? Nope! Never will be. Anyone can think of me what they want to. I have absolutely no control over this and today I’m finding peace in that reality. But when I allow anything, something, or someone to alter how I feel about myself, well, it’s a no win, lose lose situation. It is vital that I look at my own behavior. It is acceptable for me to tell someone else if their behavior is bothering me, but it is NOT my responsibility to “make anyone see” or “punish” another. It’s all about keeping my own side of the road clean. When I err, apologize, do what I can to correct, and then move on.
So now I will sleep. I will forgive, as I always do, and tonight I will forgive myself, and now that I’m aware of it, conscious to it, I will cease involving myself in this behavior. It’s that simple.
Moving on! And tomorrow I will practice self discipline!