Tag Archives: goodbyes

“Why’s” are meant for children…..

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For the most part I’ve been doing very well.  Have been under the weather for a couple weeks, and this wreaks havoc for me.  Still, I’ve managed to keep a positive attitude and focus on all the good in my life, and there is much to be grateful for.

Today I’ve been thinking about someone I loved very much.   We were very close to a decade when things progressed with his drinking, I chose to say goodbye and I learned 4 months after he passed that he had passed the day after he turned 46.  To be perfectly honest, I think of him everyday, typically I can smile when I think about something he did, but today?  Today my heart is wrapped around questions that will never be answered.  I know better than to ask the infamous “WHY?”.   It only leads to more pain, endless tears and a heart that hurts so much, callousing seems to be the only relief.   That is no way to live.  At times I think it’s necessary to block off our heart until we heal, but to be longstanding, I don’t think it’s healthy.   In some instances, in most, asking “why” serves to push myself into a pit of pain, to which coming back from is harder each time I go there.   I have done this.  I am not living this way, I do not feel this way everyday, but today?  Today it’s a challenge to not go back to the second to last letter in the alphabet!

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls, doesn’t it?   I remember going through divorce, feeling hopeless, helpless, and comically (now) that my life was over…My feelings and thoughts were FAR from the truth.  My life began again.   My life got better, I got healthier, I was able to expand my horizons and open my heart again.   “We’ll make new memories”, he said to me as I worked through the crap.  And we did.  We made some wonderful memories.  Little did I know that they would have to sustain me the for the rest of my life without him.  Plans, yah, I’m here to tell you that plans have a way of falling down in midflight.  If you believe that everything has a reason, a purpose, then it does make the whole grief process easier, once you can get past the initial suffocation.   “Just don’t think about it”, I’ve been told repeatedly over the years.  I nod, sometimes I silently walk away pissed off, sometimes I turn my head and cry.   Sometimes it’s okay to think about painful parts of our past.  For me, it serves as a progress report of where I came from.   In sharing with a friend today I said “I know my life has gotten progressively better, I know this, I should feel nothing but gratitude”…True, I should.

The thing is, I never thought it would be forever.  I thought our lives together had come to a halt, but would eventually turn the corner and back around again.  Yet this is foolish thinking.  How many psychiatrists tell you “If it doesn’t work the first time it surely won’t the second”.  But what if?  What if?  On and on and on.    My life changed the day we parted ways and it changed further the day I learned of his death, a mere 4 years after we split.   To his parents I guess I was far gone.   For me, I sadly realized I had never left.  Still, life goes on.

Was watching an episode of 24 the other night and Jack (my hero) was asked by a very distraught agent “How do I live with this?” having acquired information that sent her into sadness and guilt.  “You just do” he said.   I nodded.  Yeah “you just do”.

Today my mother was told she was “legally blind”.   She can see things, but not well.  She shouldn’t be driving.  Fortunately they believe it’s all cataract related and she will do fine after surgery(ies).  Her first being next Thursday.   My comment to her “Well no wonder you haven’t been telling me how beautiful I am!”   Where would I be without a sense of humor?

For those who have and think there is nothing to mourn.  An alcoholic, an addict drinks himself to death, what’s to feel sorry for?   Having gotten in touch with the severity of my own addiction, learn more everyday how deeply rooted it is, all I can say is “You’ve apparently never lost someone you love to such an awful disease”.    Yet who am I to say that?  Perhaps they have?  Perhaps that is why they feel this way?  Still, it will always serve as a solid oak tree covering part of my heart.  Protection.   If that’s what you can call it.

Letting go, accepting doesn’t mean you never revisit the past.  A very intelligent man said something to this effect the other day, and it has stayed with me…”Every step you take, your past changes too because you see things differently than you did the day before.   Every step you take your future changes, because again, you see things differently than you did the day before.  Life is about a series of steps, not leaps, bounds, steps…”  I find that profound.  I can look back now without the intensity it once had, seeing things differently, and sadly having more compassion now for what I could not tolerate then.  That doesn’t mean anything would have changed with us, that the chapter of us wouldn’t have closed, but to see things differently means growth, perspective.

I’m off to get ready for a fun day tomorrow in Boston.  Am very excited about this.  Spending time with girlfriends, meeting new friends and getting reenergized to dive into my new business.    Very excited about this.   The decision to do this changed everything for me.  My situation hadn’t changed, but my perspective did and has.  Hope, it’s called hope and it’s a wonderful thing!   Life isn’t always fair, it isn’t always easy.  It is, however, worth living.  It’s about reaching out to others when you need encouragement, help.  It’s about helping others when they need it.   I’m starting a new chapter in my life, a fun one, one that I know is good for me and one that I know I will succeed at.  I need this.  I need this challenge, I need this newness.  I am grateful for this opportunity, and more grateful that I’m open minded and willing to go on this ride! ♥♥♥

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Goodbye….

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It is impossible and too personal to share all that has been happening in the past few weeks.  I will say that that I am amazed once again at the order in which things happen, and reminded that there is order and timing to all, whether we understand, accept or not.  I am not a religious person but I am a spiritual person.  I have been shown on numerous occasions that this realm in which we live is not all there is.  I do not understand it, I have yet to fully explore it, but I must say, when I let go of my own will, when I accept reality for what it is, and just accept and open my arms to what is, and open my heart to what I have been shown time and time again, I need not be afraid, I need not feel despair.  Everything is right as it is supposed to be, and I am right where I am supposed to be.  All I have to do is accept, and show up.

This morning i had this seemingly real dream.  In this dream I was able to say what I needed to say, see what I needed to see, feel what I needed to feel.  I awoke for the first time in weeks knowing… it was time to say goodbye.  It was time to release this hold, this anguish, this pain, it was time to let go of Jim.

I went and bought a helium balloon personal in nature to the two of us, and Brody and I went to the field that Jim loved and that we frequented often.  The field where he and our dog Molly would go and fly his radio controlled gliders and airplanes.  The field where we would sometimes meet for lunch, or bag a dinner so he could catch a “thermal” (smiles).   I stood in the very spot where we stood many times, thanked him for  the many years of memories, all the things he taught me, gave to me, brought into my life.  I thanked him for Brody, for our girls (my cats), for the many ways he enriched and improved my life, the culture, the laughter, the healing he brought into my life, the ways in which he brought joy to me.  I told him that I would never forget him, that I would always love him, and wanted him to fly… catch a thermal….   and I released the balloon.

Brody and I sat on the ground and watched until the balloon was no longer visible.  I said a prayer, wiped my tears, smiled, and came home.

I am a better person for having met him, having loved him,having been loved by him, having had him in my life for all those years.  I am grateful for my time with him, my memories, and the capacity in which I was and am able to love this person.  Even the difficult times taught me lessons that are valuable in my life today.   His death while it seems senseless and cruel, I can not continue to question, it changes nothing.  But I do know that if I only know one thing that has come out of it it is that I have changed, and I am making better choices for myself.  And yet, I am only one pebble on one small beach in the overall scheme of things.  I will probably never know the reasons or how many lives he touched.   I can only know the impact he has had on my life and over time it continues to unveil itself.

Catch a thermal Jim… catch a thermal.   I will always love you.

I went to a birthday party for a friend this evening.  Afterwards while watering my plants I was listening to the birds and was astounded at how much some of my plants had grown.  Life goes on…. life goes on…