Last night, well the wee hours of the morning, I started working on my book. I have steered clear of writing about things that I really feel need to be shared, if only to help another because some of the things I would like to share would reflect badly on others. Some things are better left unsaid sort of thing, but last night that changed. I will not post names, I will not defame another, but I will share my experiences and some…some??? Clearly are by the harsh hand of others. Perhaps it’s maturity, perhaps it’s part of my healing, perhaps I’m just a frigan bitch who wants to expose them! 🙂 Nah, I decided last night, however, that my loyalty should be to myself. And if I keep the things that harmed me quiet, untold, that empowers them. I am totally wanting to extinguish all! But that cannot be done. I can, and am, however, finding a proper place for it all.
Anyways, words flowed last night like a trout swimming downstream. It was great. I shared some in a blog, but in the contents of my draft I am really digging deep and wrote about some of the trenches I’ve been in. Not for sympathy, not even for empathy, not for any other reason than to celebrate surviving, celebrate learning, knowledge, celebrate where I am today.
I recall a moment in an Alanon Chatroom where someone was venting about their “spouse the souse”, as he called her. I sat back, listening, many were there listening, just validating his feelings, his thoughts, his frustrations. I met some incredible people in the confines of that room. I am still in touch with probably a dozen, and I consider them true friends. Anyway, I was having a fairly good day, surprisingly but pleasantly. But I digress…. When he was through venting, he thanked us all, and he felt better, we always feel better to blow off steam. You know how God gives us what we need? And when we feel bad, or sorry for ourselves someone is put in our path to help us understand that there are a lot worse off than you? This is how it works for me anyway. So a friend asked me how I was feeling, I shared. The gentlemen who vented asked what I was sick with. I explained to him that I was going through treatment, radical surgeries, for breast cancer(s). And that my brother simultaneously was going through treatment for colon and rectal cancers. I laugh at this now, I actually laughed at it at the time, the gentlemen venter was really quiet for a few minutes and then he writes “I have absolutely nothing to complain about, Thank you for sharing. Hey, I didn’t want to invalidate his feelings or anyone else’s. We all have struggles, we all have days where we would like to kill someone but where and how would we hide the body? I realized that, after hearing what I was going through, it helped him compartmentalize his difficulties…. Oh my god! I was the one that was worse off and that helped people move forward. I say this because I found it comical then, and I still do. Yah, things were pretty difficult then, but I was going through the motions, doing what needed to be done, not having the time nor energy to take it all in. When in survival mode, it takes everything you have, every ounce of energy to get through the day. There was no time for self pity, no room for bullshit, and no interest in sharing it with another, things were happening way too fast to conceivably share all that was happening. I suppose some of it was also denial. I am one woman who is very grateful for the gift of denial, if it is short term, that is. When something traumatic happens, that numb period, tears, pain, but numbness I think is a gift. We aren’t equipped nor can we consume excruciating pain for long periods of time. Our bodies, our minds protect us from this. A life of denial, well, that’s another topic entirely, and one that I’m not particularly keen on.
So I wrote and wrote, the words flew off the tips of my fingers. I wrote about things that I have rarely if ever revealed. I wrote about a husband who physically abused me, and the next who verbally abused me. I wrote about how little I thought of myself, and the feelings of self loathing then. had and some still have to, forgive myself for. When my head hit the pillow this morning around 6;30am I slept like a log, solid, uninterrupted for 6 hours. Apparently it was cathartic! Today I shared with my therapist some very violent parts of my past. I have been seeing her for almost 2 years now, and I trust her, I like her, she is helping me. I shared about what I had written about, the thoughts the memories that came flooding through me while writing, and I was sharing all of this pragmatically, without emotion, without feelings, I was sharing my truth. How POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then she said “I have time open tomorrow, I think we should meet tomorrow because with the holiday we are missing our next session. I laughed, okay okay…. “We don’t want to lose momentum, Donna”…. so true, so true. I found this funny. “LoOk at me, LoOk at all my progress”….. “Yes, now come back tomorrow!”
Following therapy I reluctantly had to go to the Walmart. I was dreading it, but I knew it would be much worse tomorrow if I put it off. So in I went. When I grabbed a cart one of the wheels was really messed up, it was sideways and not working. A woman and her daughter came in behind me and said “Are there any dry carts?” I replied “No, and don’t use that one, it’s retarded…” The minute that word came out of my mouth I knew it was improper and inappropriate. Seldom do I use this word. My oldest sister was mentally retarded, I meant no harm, nor disrespect to anyone. She said to me “What did you say?” I said “I’m sorry, I was wrong in choosing and speaking those words”. She said “Well, don’t think I’m lecturing you or upset with you. Ironically I had just corrected my daughter for using that phrase when we were in the car, and then we walk in and you are using it.” Between the three of us we decided the best way to describe the cart was a pain in the butt, broken, and unusable!
$180 later, and 10 bags lugged in and put away, I poured some eggnog and decided to read my mail. The eggnog, settling like a gut bomb has me upset with myself that I chose this when I had healthy juice I could have opted for! Live and learn, live and learn.
There were a few screaming kids in Walmart. I always call this “birth control awareness day”. But for the most part, I roamed around, got what I needed without interruption. I did run into a neighbor whose husband was just diagnosed with Stage 4 Leukemia. Ouch. Cancer really does suck, ya know?
So, what is my message today? Good question! I think it is to embrace who we once were, the difficulties, the joyfulness that we have experienced, appreciate who we are today, at this very moment. Forgiveness is the key to freedom. I forgive others quickly, I learned years ago that doing so set ME free. It was forgiving myself that I have had and still do have problems with. Hey, I made some bad choices, I took some wrong roads, I have sat in shit and swam with stingrays…. I am who I am… I am more than those experiences. I am more than my name. I am a result of 52 years of life, learning, lessons, good times, bad….
The older I get the less I feel the need to impress anyone, and the less I care about what others think of me. The old adage “Walk a mile in my shoes” rings true, still, today. Sometimes I forget that I don’t know what another person is going through. I lose patience with them, if they cut me off in traffic or snap at me on the phone. I need gentle reminders that we all have our crosses to bear. We are all trying to find and make our way here, and it surely isn’t all roses. By the way, I’m allergic to them, so let’s say “sunflowers!”
Today I am forgiving myself for putting myself in harms way. I am forgiving myself for being in bad relationships, for allowing others to beat me down. Today I am one with myself, the person I was then is unrecognizable to me now. That is not a bad thing. Of course that/those experiences are a chapter in my life, but no longer do they define me, rule me, or are part of my present. They are compartmentalized, acknowledged but not dwelled upon. Doing this work is rewarding. When I can come home from grocery shopping, and still be humming? Rewarding! I am participating in making my life better, fuller, richer. I am participating not only in my own life now, but in the world!