Tag Archives: frustration

LLLLLong Winter


This has been the longest winter in my life’s time, challenging on too many levels.   BE POSITIVE DONNA!    “Okay, I am positive this has been the longest and most challenging winter in my life’s time!”

I finally sat down to paint last night.   First time this year.  I have a custom I need to get done, and I’m looking forward to doing it, it will be a challenge, but one that reconnects me to my childhood and a childhood friend.   So I need to get my hands in shape so that they cooperate!  I have the drawing done… so I’m 1/4 way there!

I’m thinking about turning my humble abode into a wildlife preserve.  I live in Vermont, this year it will be 30 years in my home. I had a problem with squirrels only one winter season in all those years, and were “taken care of” with rat traps.  Last year I had them in my tiny shed, which is actually a kids playhouse that my mom bought me, a friend of hers had it for his daughter, it’s the cutest building, apparently cute to squirrels too.  They moved in and took over.  My mom and I cleaned them out of there twice, and it was all day projects.  They are awful! Now they are in my basement.

Last year also was the first year I had a problem with mice.   One day we caught 16!   They sure are cute little creatures, but man are they destructive and I swear they poop once a minute!    Mice crap everywhere!    If I had $1 for every poop I cleaned up, I would be vacationing right now! So if you want to invest in something, why not bleach? I’m bleaching my house to rid of all the diseases those things spread.

I have been doing all I know to do, and researching what else I can do to get rid of both, and on limited budget. I make headway, but you have to be vigilant, vacuuming daily, trapping, daily. The smart person would ask “Where are they coming in?” Well they are coming in from right under my front door, which has a small porch. I can’t get underneath it yet because it’s all frozen, and snow covered. I’ve been sealing where I have found cracks in my foundation both inside and out, I have an old house, but still the bastards find their way in. It’s maddening. And then, like I didn’t already have enough to do, I had a flood in my cellar, and my sump pump died.   I foolishly gave my brother my pellet stove when he was in need a couple years ago.    It would’ve helped with the humidity and moisture down there, and now, mold!   I’m taking longer to process things, I think about it before I offer it up.   Big heart, no brains becoming good heart, big brains!  Good news though, it took a good month for all the aches and pains to go away but that month is up!!!

Then I realized I had an infestation of moths which came into my home in a wool blanket that was given to me to use to felt and make pretties out of.  I lost four wool rugs upstairs   They started in a room that I barely go into, and then into my bedroom.    They aren’t the big moths, but small, maybe 1/2″ or smaller.   I am still in the process of getting rid of them. A friend helped get the rugs out, but there are stragglers and on the first floor (with three wool rugs and an investment of wool yarn). So at the moment my freezer is full of yarn. Oh, let me back up a minute; My refrigerator works and then doesn’t, it’s done this for a couple years. It’s old, hell it’s not as old as I feel! But if I play with the plug, it comes back on. I had been away for a couple days and it had stopped running. Everything in my freezer was unthawed. So that’s okay, because it’s a safe place for some of my yarn! Then the yarn for some reason was pushing the door open (um, it’s stuffed, full and my 3 season porch has the remains of my wool and coats, it’s out in the freezing cold so it will kill the larva.

When I took my mom to the emergency room, the doctor asked if she had a DNR. He asked if she would like to be resuscitated should some unfortunate incident occur. Her answer? YES! I looked at the doctor and said “Apparently I’m the only one in this room who wants a DNR”. He asked “are you sick?” I said “No!” The rest of the night he was looking at me strangely. That’s okay, I get that a lot! Oh well.

So tomorrow I’m thinking about offering the squirrels a thanksgiving feast of peanut butter and some more decon!

There’s been a slew of other things going on, that i will spare you from hearing. Your welcome! And then my mother dying. It’s been a horrible winter. I can’t even say I’m looking forward to Spring and summer because I’ve been overeating and gained weight. So I need to put on my big girl pants and start walking.  WHEN the ice leaves!

In the overall scheme of things, I’m sure I have it good. But I’m tired to my bones, and my bones hurt from the cold. Enough whining.  Glad wildlife is having sex in my house and multiplying.   At least SOMETHING is getting a little!!!    %#$@#3

Tomorrow I have a day trip planned with a friend. It will be healing, unless the car blows up! ha!

Hope your winter has been better than mine! Looking for a house in VT really cheap?   And now I have a HOT Saturday night date with my pillow!



NOOOO patience for incompetence


It’s been a couple of days dealing with incompetence.   Drives me bonkers.   I try to keep a smile on my face when going through the process of getting “to the bottom of things” but frankly, it’s very humid, and the older I get the less tolerance I have for stupidity.  Including myself!   Still, it’s one thing when I screw up…  But when I’m paying for service, and THEY screw it up, then I start to get a tad pissy. I am still downsizing all my art supplies and things that I once “had to have” and now have not the energy to dust!   I actually don’t have a lot of cha chi stuff, but the less I have to take care of, the happier I am. So if you know me, you know I loathe Com@$4t.   If they employ you, and you are happy, great!   But they have been nothing but a pain my ass, and while I watched my bill skyrocket, month to month, and received horrid customer service (I rank them right up there with D@ll From Hell!), I am grateful for the day last year when I said, after 20 years… Goodbye.  I don’t need the fastest internet, I don’t need the high monthly payment, I don’t need television, and I certainly don’t need all the frustration involved with being a valued customer.    This morning I did a favor for my mother and returned her cable box.   Of course it didn’t go smoothly.   I don’t even want to get into it.  Same crap, different day.   I took the box back, smiled, and said “You are such a bunch of crooks”.   Enough said?  I’m sure I was branded “bitch”, but frankly?  Not my best hour, but certainly not my worst!  My bank messed up a deposit last night, which I didn’t have time to go have them correct it because I had a doctors appointment, so that was on top of todays list, too.    And then???    It seems I’ve become an idiot, or facebook will not allow me to create an album on a business page.    I stayed up until 5am trying to figure out why.    It becomes an obsession… Why can’t I do this?   A very kindhearted person is helping me put an album together or things I’m parting with.   If not for her, I probably would have thrown it all in the dumpster today!   Frustrating!     I know my way around a computer, I’m far from an expert.   I know my way to google, and that has helped me in so many ways, that and you tube.    Do you know that you can watch videos on you tube that not just show you how to break into a safe, but brands of safes?     What a world! My art room/studio is coming together nicely, but not without a lot of work.   I laughed this morning when I walked in, excited.  And it’s going to stay this way for HOW long?   There are advantages to living alone!     I am a sloppy sloppy painter.   Hence the background of my blog.   The thing is, I create BETTER on a messy level.  I really do.  I simply cannot sit down, wear nice clothes, and paint a beautiful picture without paint everywhere, brushes rolling in paint.  In fact, I have this habit of “throwing” down the last brush I used in a pile (typically 24-on).    I have had students who put their hands over their palettes, not allowing me to mess it up.   Makes me laugh.  I is what I is.

With all of this said, I realize we are ALL human.  Perfectly imperfect.    I make as many mistakes, if not more, than everyone else.   But I feel better having vented. Hooefully tomorrow I will be swimming in patience, and not judgmental like I am today. And I’ve lived long enough to know NEVER pray for patience, cause you will be tested, and tested, and tested!    It doesn’t help that I am having an allergic reaction to something…angry red rash on my neck and chest.     I feel so pretty!   NOT!   Thanks for listening

And now, I am joining a friend for dinner.   She’s a good cook!    I’m happy! Hope your day was smoother than mine! 🙂    ♥ Today’s music suggestion:   “Wicked” _-Chris Isaac

Beyond frustrated


Two nights ago my oldest cat, Jennifur peed on the bed.  Fortunately I caught it early so it didn’t get to the mattress, though I cleaned it like it did.   A night of laundry and on the couch, I caught up on my sleep today.   When I went up to make the bed last night another cat had vomited on the bed so back to laundry and more cleaning.

Sophie has been doing very good except today she has reverted back to peeing and pooping in the house.  I can’t take it.  This gives the little dog “permission” to do so.    I am not the neatest housekeeper in the world but I do not want a house that smells like a frigan animal shelter.  Actually, that would probably smell better.

I go grocery shopping today.  Lilly goes everywhere with me unless I’m going out of Town, then she’s with her gramma.   She loves to ride and go for rides.  Sophie, on the other hand, will not sit, is all over, whimpering, crying, needing reinforcement I guess, I don’t know.   She falls over on me because frankly, that is how I drive.    I have decided that she will now be in the back seat , I will put the console lid up so she can’t get over into the front and Lilly Wonka will graduate into the front.

Today I am seriously thinking about placing her elsewhere.  Today I am feeling resentment, and I know that is clearly a sign that it’s time to make drastic changes.  It isn’t fair to me, and it’s not fair to her.

I have not had dog hair all over my house in a year, since Brody died.    I am trying to simplify my life not make it more complicated.   She is work, major work.

She is a great dog, she is smart, typically very well behaved with the exception of a few things, but she follows me around the house to the point where she runs into me if I stop quick.

Yes, today I’m a bitch.  I am overwhelmed.   I have done right by her, her fur is growing back, she has good food (thanks to my girlfriend) and I have put her on coconut oil and such.  Every night I apply bag balm on her to help with the itching and dermatitis that exists separate from the patches of missing hair.  I have her ears to a point where I can rub them without her crying.   I need to work on the inside, which I am, obviously nervous about.  If she moves the wrong direction I could hurt her but they are a mess.

Is this normal?   Is this normal to feel overwhelmed with a new dog?    Lilly just fit in like a glove, absolutely no adjustments whatsoever.

I have yet to “fall in love with her”.   I am not sure if that is my protecting my heart or if this isn’t a good fit.   It’s been over a month.  She has made great strides in getting healthy.  Lilly is just beginning to get along with her.   What do I do?

If I do decide to place her elsewhere, I will only place her with someone who knows and loves the breed.   This german shepherd deserves the best home possible, I’m just not sure if that is with me.

I know it’s always darkest  before the dawn.  I know I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling less frustrated.  And as I have Dylan blasting… I am slowly calming down.   The good news is, I’m storm cleaning….. 🙂

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a ton of dog hair to vacuum up.   Thanks for letting me bitch!


ps Every single woman needs five animals!    Rolling my eyes

One, two, three, four…. The FIFTH element


Today’s Lesson: Answers to our problems come in a disguised form. 

HE has a sense of humor!

Today’s Gratitude: I am grateful for MY sense of humor!

A few days ago I took in a 16 month old German Shepherd.  The owner relinquished her for the benefit of the dog, who spent too many hours alone each day and the inability to provide the medical care she needs.  She IS in need of medical care and love.    Her name is Sophie, and she is one ambitious, mischievous sweet dog.

61464_10203157101828042_1375821997_n (2)After my Australian Shepherd died I swore I would never get another dog that required a lot of exercise and was demanding of my time.  My little terrier that I rescued, Lilly, she just  goes with the flow.   I took Sophie in out of the goodness of my heart, knowing I could place her if it didn’t work out.  Knowing little but the intelligence of the breed, and after owning an Australian shepherd, I know their only limitation is with their owners lack of training.   I know she  “needs a job”.  Brody’s job was to catch Frisbees and tennis balls.  At the moment, Sophie’s appears to be the cats, which obviously must change, but quick.   I either need to get her into obedience school quickly, and start exercising her, or give her to someone who will do so and who knows and loves the breed.  I do not believe in giving highly intelligent breeds to those who are not familiar with them, nor know how to handle them.  It isn’t fair to them to do anything other.  It’s very hard to give her outdoor exercise right now, and will be through winter, but I managed to find a way with Brody, so I will with Sophie, if she stays.

I have been pondering the arrival, the timing of this beautiful dogs arrival.   Needing myself, to exercise to help me rid the consequences of my latest addiction,  I know she would make the perfect hiking companion.    I loved this with my Aussie.  Has she come to me to help get me back into shape, back into participating in life again, or for me to place her with someone else?  Her boundless energy entertains me.

She is already tugging at my heart strings, and also various things on the counter and my hands.     The three cats, now doubled in size (I have never seen their fur stand up so much) are constantly humming the tune of displeasure.    Sophie, however, is no longer afraid of them because in all their “swats” she has learned they have no front claws!  Lilly is being a bitch even taking on the role of protecting the cats, which she found great entertainment with chasing before Sophie joined us.

Sophie is no longer afraid of Lilly, though her squeaky high tone voice I cringe when I hear it, it’s very loud, intimidating.  This 20 lb dog thinks she is the size of a school bus.    I started out yelling “NO” at Lilly, moved down to pointing at her and in a stern voice “NO”… but today I have no energy for either.   I know they will work it out, but it will not be without trial and error.     1017333_10203157077227427_2076609207_nWhen I try to get the two of them together while I pat them both, Lilly is well behaved.  Sophie, clearly in need of obedience school, gets excited, her tail gets wagging which swats Lilly.  Lilly, who isn’t familiar with tails (both her and Brody had nubs…. and when I would ask them what they were doing they would reply “nubbing”….   then gets defensive because this dog swatted her.  Also, while I am patting them both and telling them how good they are, it doesn’t help that Sophie very gently opens her mouth and puts Lilly’s entire nose in it.    She has been doing this with my hands.  I correct her, but I know, training will correct this.

Sophie has been pooping in the house.  Good God it’s awful.    I also have a very weak stomach so the first time I cleaned it up I vomited and then subsequently ran outdoors every few seconds for fresh air to prevent myself from vomiting AGAIN.  Dry heaving…..  nature’s way of telling you not to eat! 🙂   She needs a crate, which my girlfriend, Kelly, has already offered, we need to find a time that works with both our schedules because she lives an hour away.

Last night, while designing jewelry, or should I say “attempting to”, my dear sweet cat Chloe, who is not wrapped too tightly (seriously, she watches a fly with her whole head, not her eyes!) ran across my jewelry work area, spilling a large glass of grapefruit juice and water on two bins of beads.   Instead of rinsing out pasta in my colander, I was rinsing out beads which are still wrapped in towels on the kitchen counter, drying.

I live on a busy road.   I can let Lilly out and know she would not veer towards the road but up back, I do not trust Sophie yet nor do I want to put her in harms way, so I take them out together and walk them up on the hill.   With great excitement Sophie runs to Lilly hopping like a rabbit and with movement like Scooby Doo’s… Lilly runs to me.

It’s winter, there are patches of ice everywhere though todays sunshine and yesterday’s rain eliminated some and most of the snow (into my cellar… Thank you very much).   I have to wear my 5 lbs each LLBean Sorrell boots out because in some areas there is easily 4-5″ of water.   Last night, in sweats, sorrels and barn coat I walked them out, and when we got back to the porch I realized I had locked us out of the house.    After smashing a window with my flashlight, and sweeping up what I could, I realized the filter to the vacuum cleaner was still wet so I didn’t dare use it.   I was planning to do this this morning.  However, this morning, when I went out with them, I slid on a patch of ice.   It wasn’t the fall as much as the “trying not to fall” movement that hurt my back.  I landed in 3″ of water, my pants were soaked, obviously heavy and the tears coming down my face running into my mouth fit right into the scenario.     I spent the large part of today in bed with heat on my back and that smelly stuff that the cats love and won’t leave me alone, they want to lick it, or bite me wherever it is on my body.

I make my way out of bed, the animals must eat, I couldn’t care less if I do…. am welcomed downstairs by another untitled (3)big bee hive shaped pile of crap (I know, too much info) to pick up, this time with a sore back.   The cheap area rug which was given to me by a friend, will end up getting tossed as Lilly has felt the need to pee there whenever Sophie poops there, assuming, since this is new for Lilly, a territorial thing?  Alas, I am grateful that it’s on this rug in my art room, and not the wool rugs which blanket the hardwood floors in my livingroom.    Both the tile and hardwood floors are covered with Sophie’s foot prints because when I was sleeping, she  figured out how to open the cellar door, giving her full rein to run in the water now flooding the basement.    I shake my head.   I just mopped them three days ago.   I’m not as vigilant as I should be in doing this.  I vacuum, sweep, swift mop, but not seriously mop…which I will get to master this evening!

As I sit on the throne and slide from the wetness (apparently I forgot to put water out that hour and Sophie made “doo”) with my head in my hands and both Lilly and Sophie licking my face…in competition with which one I will lower my hand to pat, I thought to myself…. The fifth element.     This is the result of the fifth element.     Should  I stick with four??????   Have I met my match?  Is this dog smarter than me?    As chaotic as my humble home is right now, I can’t help but smile and laugh at her antics.   She is a great dog!

Thank god tomorrow is rubbish day.   I will be able to get rid of the many wrapped up bags of poop from my porch that have accumulated from the past few days.  I learned quickly, (without thinking) not to flush the heft paper towel bunch down the toilet, it only rears me the need to find and plunge my toilet!

In search of the can of cat food that I know I had put on the counter, half full, for their dinner I could not find it.    Typically and not disappointing myself without questioning my own sanity… I must have fed them and forgotten.  Only to find the now empty can in the corner of the laundry visiting the near empty $15 bag of organic chicken jerky treats from the third shelf of the pantry!   I am asking myself the similarly  regular question,  Why do I like pure breds?  Probably the same reason why I can’t fall in love with an uncomplicated man!  Why didn’t I adopt a mutt?

I just turned around to see why there was sudden quiet on the home front.  Lilly has acquired Sophie’s large raw hyde bone I bought her to help keep her busy.   Looking at Lilly carrying this around is reminiscent of “The Grinch’s” dog when he tied the antlers to its head.   She can barely lift hers!      As I sit here laughing, reminding myself to take this one day at a time, I can’t help but think this would be a scene out of Jerry Springer if he hosted a dog show!

Now please excuse me for not having the time to edit this blog, I have a whirlwind of chaos behind me, which is why I haven’t written since Sophie’s arrival….  Off to try to keep up with five animals and I just realized the kitty litter pans are floating around the basement like the Tidy Bowl Man used in television commercials in the 70’s?  I hope you found this blog funny, as that is what it was meant to be…..♥

Today’s artwork….Alice’s Snow FamilyAliceswoce

Bitch, Bitch… the bitch is me!


The electric blanket was turned on at 6:50pm.  I am cranky, well, bitchy actually.  It started with a gift card last night that I spent 2.5 hours trying to place an order.  Error messages started with the gift card number, then to the name on my debit card, frosted with “time out”, then a new one to “call customer service” which I did, and was on hold for at least 15 minutes and hung up.  Who needs this crap?  Honestly, I am never going to their website again.

I had therapy today, but when I got there my therapist was out sick.  I’m sure she tried calling me to let me know, my voicemail box is full and I haven’t listened to my messages in days… it’s my fault.    She wouldn’t not notify me.  One day, perhaps, I will get better at this crap.

I needed to return $30 worth of stuff at Walmart.  I expected a long waiting line.  Well, it was not only a long waiting line but a mother with two children in front of me.  One kid was screaming, she was getting all the attention “Honey if you stop crying I will buy you a toy”…  My God, I would’ve gotten back handed when I was that age and were acting out in a store.   The other child was picking his nose and eating it.  Yeah, I know, gross.   I looked the other way for several minutes until I glanced and saw his finger had disappeared up his nose to the second knuckle.  I then had to watch….for sure he’ll either find gold or touch his brain!

The Dupreytren’s Contracture in my hands has progressed to a point where I am having a hard time holding onto things, carrying things.   The sheath around the tendon should be like chiffon, mine is like leather.  I cannot open my hands all the way, and while I have read online on numerous websites that it isn’t painful, that isn’t true with me.  If I try to put my hand down flat on a table, clap, or anything close I about drop to my knees.   I have lost so much strength in my hands, it is frustrating and frankly frigan annoying.   I’m sure I’ll have to have another surgery, at least on my right hand, the left I can live with, it isn’t my dominant hand.  I was constantly dropping things today, change at the store, the gas pump, grocery bags, beads, mail, the worst being a large plastic cup full of rootbeer.   Nice mess!

My eldest cat, Jennifur, peed somewhere in my bedroom, I could smell it when I went up to turn the blanket on.  Could not find where, so I am facing this when I head to bed which will be VERY shortly.

We all have days like these, I kept putting one foot in front of the other, kept going…  I am exiting this frustrating day early… tomorrow will be better…..  How was your day?


Annoyances & bitching session….who needs therapy?


This morning we awoke to heavy rain here in New England.  It was quite conducive to extra sleep, in which I promptly gifted myself with.   Brody had a grooming appointment at Noon, and I had a therapy appointment at 2:00.  After dropping him off I came home and started to repaint one of the projects I am teaching next week in Providence.  Why?  Good question!  Because one of my delightful cats knocked it off from the table and it broke into several pieces!  Then I rushed off to my therapy appointment in which I arrived a couple minutes early to address an ongoing (for 2 weeks) issue with my medication.  A clerk at Walgreens would not fill one of my antidepressants because “I was trying to pick it up too early”.  When I balked at that and said “No, I am picking this up at the same time as the OTHER antidepressant which I get at the SAME TIME EVERY MONTH”.  When she actually LOOKED into the computer she said “Oh, you need a preauthorization from your doctor”.  I called my Dr’s office immediately (because at this point I was out of medication, as Walgreens did not call to tell me that they were not going to fill it) and explained the situation to them.  This doctor happens to be at the same place where I have therapy.  They had given me 2 weeks worth of samples.  NOT.  They gave me two folders that LOOKED like two weeks of samples, but one was just an add with a cd in it about the medication, and the other one did have 7 pills in it, but were half the dose of what I take… but I digress, though I did make do. 

“Aisha will be right down, Donna”.  I found that funny, seeings how her office is in the carriage house in the back.  So I address the issue with the meds.  Of course she has to check with someone else who has to check with the Dr.  A few minutes later the Dr comes into the lobby to explain to me the issue is my insurance.  I do not have any.  I said, “Yes, I do”.    She said she will give me more samples until it gets taken care of, that I should have enough for this week….. I explain what I was given the week before…… I am getting frustrated.   The office manager comes out in the lobby (where there is two other people waiting for perhaps Rocky 40 to come out?) and asked me to confirm what my insurance was.  “They have no record of you, Donna”.   I said, “Well this is interesting, because this insurance company who has no record of me just approved a $25,0o0 surgery that is going to take place in 3 weeks”.   Finally they ask me to come “back behind the desk”.  Is this like the Wizard behind the curtain???  Within 30 seconds I corrected the social security # that they had incorrectly entered, all is well.  There was no apologies, no “Sorry for any inconvenience”.    I go back to the lobby, now 20 minutes waiting for my therapist.  I am annoyed.  This is a 50 minute session.  I have things lined up to do right after my appointment.  I have a short conversation with a girl who overheard my whole story (HIPAA?????) and said how sorry she was that I had cancer.  (I’ve spared you from that part of the conversation that she overheard).  She was a sweet girl, we chatted for 4-5 minutes.  Now we are looking at almost 25 minutes of waiting for my therapist…. I walked out.

My time is just as important as theirs.  If anything, a cancer diagnosis has taught me, my time is very valuable, I do not want to waste it.    I was agitated with the errors, and waiting, clarity came to me in a calm way… “Just leave!”, and so I did.

Is it just me or are there others who feel like it is like a part time job to keep track and correct the errors of the very people we hire to serve us?  Pharmacies?  Doctors offices?  Billing offices?   And I am not just picking on medical offices.  It is EVERYWHERE, I’m just too tired and frustrated to get into all of it.     It is crazy, and it is extremely annoying, at least it is to me.  I have much going on in my life, I have lots to do, and even if I don’t, I have BETTER things to do with my time than to clean up after other peoples mistakes.

I am not just dissing one day of errors.  This particular problem has been going on for two weeks.  Not to mention, upon arriving home and receiving a message from my therapist who wondered where I was.  Apparently the receptionist who asks me every week “Is this your first time seeing her?” (I am refraining from other not so nice words here), never notified her that I was there.  My therapist calls to ask me if I forgot about the appointment?

I am far from perfect, I make mistakes every day, EVERY DAY.  I try to be patient and tolerant of others, after all, we are all human.  But when it is continual, when it is repeated, when it is not corrected NOR anyone is taking responsibility for it simply by saying “I’m sorry we inconvenienced you”… it really really really annoys the hell out of me.

Thanks for listening to me bitch today.  Send me your bill, my therapist charges $90 an hour, what do you charge?

Color me purple, tickle me pink


Have you ever walked into a room and suddenly felt the urge to eat? sleep? hit someone (well who is undeserving, anyway? lol)   Has or does your mood change when you are in a certain room at work? home?   What is your favorite color?  Do you have one?  Do you know WHY it is your favorite color?   What emotions does this color evoke in you?  Colors are not only beautiful but they can be incredibly powerful. 

I was surfing on google images and found this fascinating website.   jackhaas.net    These three pictures are the visionary digital artwork of Jack Haas.  Amazing !  Even if modern art is not your “thing”, check out this mans website if for no other reason than to study the colors in his art… identify what emotions the colors are bringing up for you.  This guy is truly interesting.  Clearly a man who has led a purposeful and insightful life. 

At the time of my sisters death all of the rooms in my humble little abode  (with the exception of my bedroom) were painted farmhouse beige with white trim.  Classy, spacial, clean.  Within weeks of her passing I was climbing the walls.  I was experiencing all the stages of grief, emotions that were off the charts.  There was this internal sadness that I just could not get past.  Creativity?  That was gone, and yet my livelihood depended on it.  One night I was sitting in my den looking into my livingroom feeling like I was suffocating… those beige walls offered only a blank canvas to uncertainty, pain and hopelessness.   I needed to do something to help myself, anything, and then it hit me…. I NEEDED COLOR!  Chicago’s “Color my World” YES this dates me, but it is just what I needed.

I painted my walls many different colors for a couple years until I settled on a palette that I was comfortable with, one that worked for me.  Every room in my house has color, and I’m not talking pastel or a light tint of color, I am talking about midtones, darks, powerful colors.   I study color, I crave color, I LOVE color!

Colors have been assigned various meanings in cultures.  A white aura color has been defined as:  Reflects energy. A pure state of light. Often represents a new, not yet designated energy in the aura. Spiritual, etheric and non-physical qualities, transcendent, higher dimensions. Purity and truth; angelic qualities.  This makes sense then that in China the color of white pertains to death.  However, lets think about wedding gowns.  When I think of a white wedding gown I do not associate it with death, though I have worn a white wedding gown and shortly thereafter my marriage died!  Remember mood rings?  (I’m sure they are still available).  White means bored, frustrated.   Well yah, come to think of it, that ties in well with my white wedding! (winks)  I have a bracelet that has 30 beads, varied colors that signify different cancers.  The world is a spectrum of colors!  I am visualizing Vegas with all the flashing lights reflecting off cars, buildings, and a plethora of Elvis’s.  (Though Elvis’s prime was before my time there is a video of  “Suspicious Minds” where he is wearing a white jumpsuit type outfit and he looks HOT!!!!… sorry, digressing).   Sparkle, shine, tactful or tasteless, colors can lift our spirits to the penthouse or us down to the morgue in a matter of seconds.  Advertising, restaurants, clothing, automobiles, packaging… color is everywhere and in most cases there are (hidden?) agendas behind the choosing of them.   If I played hooky from work one day when I returned to work I would wear a color that truly wasn’t my “season”.  If I wear yellow I look washed out, sickly.  PERFECT!  Visual information everywhere and colors create the largest portion of it!

The human normal temperature is 98.6.  Colors have temperatures too.  Warms, Cools (hmmm that is kinda like humans too…. I know many warm people, and I have met some downright cold people! lol)  Different tones can certainly take us on a spiritual journey with Obi-Wan Kenobi or find us grasping for air with Darth Vader!  Placement and use of color is important as well.  Orange for example makes me feel happy, and it is said that it evokes enthusiasm and stimulates creativity… but if I were to wear a bright or vibrant orange dress I just may end up looking like “the great pumpkin” from Charlie Brown with legs and dansko shoes!   Hence, lines, forms, shapes…

Color is a wonderful wonderful gift.  Think about the first time you saw a rainbow, or for me EVERYTIME I see a rainbow!  (smiles)    Color can enrich our lives, promote good health, and when worn, can make us look hot or frumpy!  So if you’re feeling “blue”… “Put color on those walls! as Christopher Lowell says.  Interesting enough feeling “blue” means sad, down, melancholy, while sitting in a room painted blue may just put you in a relaxed, serene state, or place  you into deep meditative thoughts! 

Personally, I would love the job of NAMING the different paint colors, or fabric swatch colors…  Oh yes, this certainly screams out Bahama Blue Mama!   Do you think those jobs pay well?  lol  Seriously, I’m curious!

By the way, my favorite color is purple.    Purple  happens to be the color for people seeking spiritual fulfillment, it is a color mostly chosen by artists, and I read somewhere that 80% of children when given a choice will choose something purple .  (One time I bought a purple sweatsuit at Walmart at the bargain price of $3, I was thrilled with it until I saw what I looked like in the mirror…  hence Barney..it then became rags!)  In some cultures it stood for royalty (only because purple dye was so expensive only the elite and wealthy could afford it), opulance, nobility….

“And when I am old, I shall wear purple!”

Skunks, Scanners & Tude…


Friday, March 12th

Yesterday I attempted to design and paint in between Dr’s appointments, trips outside to throw frisbee with my dog, phone calls…. sighs.  I really need to do something about being able to get some time in without interruptions.  But anyway, at 11:30 last night I let my dog out for his nightly ritual and moments later I smelled skunk.  Oh no…

At first I denied it… No, you just need to shower! lol.  But when I went out on the porch to find him, he was sitting there with his head down… yup….  He got it again.  This happened last Fall too.  So at 11:45 I’m online trying to figure out if there is something better than the tomato juice that didn’t work last time.  Why Yes.  A mixture of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dish detergent…. So off to the grocery store I go…. he was confined to the porch.

At 2:30 last night I crawled into bed, exhausted, and wound up.  This is just what happens when you have very curious nosy dogs!  A sleepless night, watched movies til 4:30 or 5:00 this morning and then managed to get a couple hours of sleep.

Today I had to work up some line drawings, scan them and send them to a woman, she wanted to send them out to students this weekend.  The line drawings themselves went very easy, but the scanning and sending them out took 2 hours.  TWO HOURS.  What would normally take 5 minutes took TWO HOURS.  I am trying to let it all go, because its only upsetting me and keeping me from having a good day, and also accomplishing other stuff… Today is just one of those days….  What is that song ?? Nobody told me there’d be days like these!??

So, now I’m going to start my day over.  Take my dog out to play frisbee, come in, make a cup of English Breakfast tea, and start painting…  To hell with the housework, even though I have company coming tonight.  They’re coming to see me, not how well I do or don’t clean my house… or at least I think they are! lol

Onward… letting go of the skunks, scanners and bad attitude…..