Tag Archives: friends

Reviewing processes

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The past few weeks I’ve been reflecting and dissecting what I would like to do with the rest of my life.  What do I like?  What don’t I like?  What are my dreams?  Are they feasible?  What are my needs?   I’ve also been writing up a business plan for myself, which in itself has been a very interesting journey.  I’ve changed it three times.

I’ve also participated for two days (another four to go) in an art challenge to post pics of my art on my facebook page for six days.  This, too, has been an interesting process.   I’m reviewing photos that I have, which aren’t exactly organized like someone dominantly left brained would do, but I’m only 25% there, so I’m giving myself a break!

4-5 years ago my life came to a crashing halt.  I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to paint, write, and was incapable of making any decisions for myself.   Fortunately my strong mother jumped in and helped, and after hospitalization for two weeks, I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression.  This was not the first time, but the fourth.  I must say to you, it’s been hell trying to come back from it.

Why do I mention such a personal thing?  Because I’m an idiot!   🙂   Most people do not confess such, because of the stigma attached to mental illness.  I want others to know who are suffering with such, it’s okay, you’re not a freak, you aren’t crazy, you are sick, and encourage you to get help.  For me it meant some serious psychological drugs, many therapy sessions, a lot of writing, a lot more of praying.  It is still a monkey on my back, but I am learning, everyday to replace the negative talk in my head.  Some days I’m successful with this, some days not.

Back to the art challenge, as I’m surfing through pages of photos of my artwork, which also have pics of other aspects of my life, love, marriage, breast cancer, family, friends, pets, artwork, gardens, etc… I must say, I feel good about things that I have accomplished in my life.  In spite of the crap that came rolling into it, I’m still standing, and there are days, still, too many, that it’s very hard for me to get out of bed and face the day.   But it was nice to see things I’ve done, the magazines my artwork and needlecraft designs were in, interviews with me as a visual artist, and a fiber artist.  I even had artwork on the cover of magazines I think twice.  How quickly these accomplishments fall by the way side when you’re looking at it through the dark eyes of depression.

So, I’m feeling a bit chipper tonight, painted a little bit today.  Plan to spend a few hours tomorrow doing the same.   We are supposedly having an arctic cold blast this weekend.  I’ve stocked up on the necessities, my mom is here visiting for the weekend.  If I don’t kill her, by the time Monday comes around I should be in good shape! 🙂

The message today is… Hang on.   Hang strong.   Celebrate the good days, and do all you can to survive the bad.   It may be worth your while to dive into some pictures yourself.

Sending you peace and love

 

 

 

Things I’ve learned

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Have been painting, and listening to music.  “I’m holding on, I’m holding on, I’m holding on, I’m barely holding onto you”.   Lifehouse “Broken”.

Thinking about times of my life where I was broken, so much that it hurt to move.   And it is the pain from those times that keep me vigilant to never go there again.  But is that any way to live?   “Is there healing?  In your name, I feel healing”…

Mother Teresa “I have found a paradox in love, if you love until it hurts, then there is no more hurt, only more love”.   One of my favorite quotes.

Here’s a few things I’ve learned in this journey called life.

True Friends show up when you need them the most, and you don’t need to talk to them every day, you don’t need to hear from them to know, they are there, nothing has or will ever change.  It is also at the most needful times that we learn, sadly, who we can count on, and who is fair weathered.

I’ve also learned that love comes when you least expect it.  For if and when you search, that which you find is forced.  Nothing is more refreshing than falling in love when you aren’t looking, or thus doing anything to get the attention of another.  You’re just being yourself, and in my case, and I hope yours, seeking to be a better person for each day we are alive.

Two halves never make a whole.  But two wholes can be together and still, independent of each other.  I think this is the healthiest place to be, to fall in love.

I’ve also learned that falling in love isn’t just about human relationships, but about life, and things we stumble upon that thrust our passion into full speed.  Passion is an awesome thing, and one that I am very very grateful for.   I have met people, quite long in the tooth, that have never experienced passion.    The past couple weeks I’ve fallen in love again with painting, with new techniques, new visions.   I’ve fallen back in love with my very old, needy, ditzy cat, who is quite vocal about her needs and wishes!

Being alone done not mean loneliness.   At least not for me.   I have been single over a decade now.  I’ve dated, and really have no preference if I do or I don’t.  You can say that’s sad, some friends have, but honestly, I love my home, I work on that, I have my art, music, my animals, and family and friends that I do not spend enough time with.   When I feel like I don’t want to be alone, I call up a friend who is kindred here.  We both like our solitude.

“Desire” by Ryan Adams is now playing. I found this song off an old “House Episode”, love it.   I’ve also learned in life that there are more ways than being in a relationship to get that physical human touch.  My animals, and in past, my nephews, my niece.   A new born baby, animal, I think that’s why the world is watching and anticipating the birth of April the giraffes bambino!     Who isn’t watching?

So, in this day, reflective of my past, my past loves, I am sitting here in peace, with happiness in my heart as I play and work in this newfound love for art.  Each brush stroke I anticipate, and it’s hitting right where it’s supposed to.  Even accidentally dropped a brush on my painting and the color looked delightful in a place I never would’ve expected or tried.

“You know me.
You don’t mind waiting.
You just can’t show me, but God I’m praying,
That you’ll find me, and that you’ll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire
Desire
Desire
Desire”

Wishing you love, passion, and always, peace
rodney2

Adios 16!

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This has been a good year for me.   I’m hoping 17 will be even better.

Bailey’s on the rocks, feeling the buzz, and feeling very grateful for my life, my family, friends, home, abilities, hope and dreams.

Next year I have new things planned, a new biz for one.   Haven’t yet decided on it, and no doubt will include the last 20 years of decorative painting, but it’s changing, and I’m excited about this.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful, happy, healthy New Year.  Let’s make 2017 a year of smiles, dreams come true, and may all of us achieve peace.  In faith….

 

Love to you!!!!!!!

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For the times, they are a changin…..-Dylan

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Last week my 12 (she keeps reminding me… soon to be 13) spent the week with me.   She starts school next week.  It is the longest time we’ve ever spent together, and THE BEST TIME I’ve ever had with her.   I feel so grateful for the week.     She is a very special girl.  Very smart, very talented (she loves to paint) and the music videos she creates has me in awe.  Creativity doesn’t lack in this soul!

I dropped her off at her dad’s Friday, and as I drove home Friday night, windows down, older music on the stereo, my thoughts were so filled with love, with desire to spend more time with her.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t have much time to myself.   That isn’t the way it is now, much to my own making.   I have spent, and do spend A LOT of time on my own.  I keep busy, I own a house which I’m renovating on my own (now that the major work has been done by contractors), and I have a business that I need to dive back into.

As the wind blew my hair around, and kissed my skin, I thought about the news of the week.  The flooding in Louisiana, the fires in California, and all the political bullshit that makes its way to my computer screen.   My mind drifted to the Zika virus, as I waited while a pregnant woman walked across the road to a restaurant.  ENOUGH, I said.  ENOUGH!    I can’t take anymore news right now, I don’t want to see anymore election crap, I don’t want to worry about tomorrow, I just want to feel this beautiful place I’ve been over the past week.  A purpose beyond survival.

I feel change coming within me.  I have felt it for a while now.   I no longer want to spend all my time to myself.  I want to look into someone’s eyes and celebrate them, us.  I want to share my life with someone who appreciates and respects mine.

Thoughts drifted to relationships of past.   Each one had their own beauty, a couple when they ended!  🙂   I’ve been single for over a decade.  I’ve dated, but the guys I’ve dated were not even close to who I would spend my life with.  I think today, overweight, covered in painting clothes, I’m the best person I’ve ever been.  A very dear friend of mine, whom I trust with my soul said to me from Australia “Do you know how long I’ve been hearing you say, you aren’t ready?”   She wasn’t criticizing, she was sharing her feelings and it reminded me of the time another friend said to me twelve years ago “There will always be excuses to stay in a bad relationship”.    Both statements have moved me.

I’m not going to race out and join ANY online dating site.  I’m not ready.  But I’m BECOMING ready.     One thing I’ve always loved about twelve step programs is, you’re never asked to do anything without becoming willing, first.

I painted this weekend, and I finally finished a painting that I feared, I could not.   My hands are riddled with pain, but this weekend I had a break from that.  The brush didn’t exactly flow as I wanted it to, but what was different was the way I treated myself when this happened.   Easy does it.  Pick it up, try again.   I don’t know if any other artists struggle with fear of losing the ability to create.   This weekend my inhibitions took a hike, and my weekend was filled with love, memories of a great week spent with my niece, and a painting that assures me, I can still paint.  It feels nice to breathe, to not recirculate within myself negativity.

I’m taking a break from the news, while I don’t want to be ignorant of what is going on in the world, I need to breathe, to feel this happiness, this peace.   I will continue prayers for the world, and for so many friends and family members who need them.  But right now?  I’m going to stay where I am.    It’s a really nice place to be.

My busy time will soon be upon me.   This year I’m starting extra early for me.   I want to enjoy my life, not race through it going mach 80 with my hair on fire!  I am going to start an art blog, and probably, hopefully, start working on the book I have known I was supposed to write for three decades now.   Not sure what that means for this blog.   But that’s okay.  I don’t need to know!

Peace to you, and to world.

In my youth

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I’m painting (on canvas) for the first time in months, listening to a playlist on Spotify that depicts my life and times in words, songs.   “Rocky Mountain High” just played, which was, I believe, our 8th grade graduation song.   John Denver got me through MUCH in my youth.   The, what seemed insurmountable problems of youth, which seemed so very difficult, something like a blemish on my face, or my favorite Levi’s not clean for a date, etc.   I think about it sometimes, as I drive by the local high school and see these YOUNG KIDS and I question, “Was I really ever that young?”    And then, putting into proportion the immense deep feelings I had for a kid that I had hoped would last into adulthood.  I’m laughing now.  IF ONLY relationships were that easy!  ha!    But it’s nice to think about being so young, so innocent.  And certainly the woes of that time were real, and feelings are so deep because you’ve yet to experience life, to experience loss, to experience the pain of broken hearts or dreams.    I’m not meaning to sound cynical, not at all.   I guess I’m just saying, the innocence and naivety are covered with blankets of protection of our youth.

I’ve often written about music.  How important it is to my well being, to my mental health.  I simply don’t know how I could ever live without it.    In thinking about life’s necessities, and if I were given only one luxury, would I choose music over art?    I think I probably would!  And yet art is so important to me, ingrained in every aspect of my being.   I’m so fortunate that I have known passion for such.   I’m grateful for that.  I’m grateful for where my paint brush has taken me in life, and all the good it has brought me to.

Now, a song by Toni Child’s “I’ve got to go now”.   A song about a woman in love with an alcoholic, who tosses her and his children aside for the almighty bottle.   This song actually relates to the three major relationships I’ve had in my life.  All alcoholics.  The first, who physically beat me, the second who emotionally did, and the last, the one who gave me so much, and likewise, took so much of me when we parted.     “Must be addicted to all this pain, because I keep coming back for the shame.  Dear God give me the strength to leave, I’ve got to keep going, keep going this time”.   Powerful song, and an epitaph of my past relationships.    Listening to this song does not always make me sad.  Shat it does is get me in touch with the courage I have mustered in my life.  The starting over, the strength and fortitude that comes when you say goodbye to the one you love, because you know, if you stay, you will die before he.

Now, “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks.  I LOVE this song.  It’s been, what I call, my “recovery” song.  Questioning, seeing, surviving.  “Oh, mirror in the sky.  What is love?  Can the child within my heart rise above?  Can I sail through the changing ocean tide?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?”   I go to this song when I am questioning,  seeking strength, seeking guidance.  Doubt becomes certainty, becomes strength, endurance, and then even on top of that becomes the silver lining of it all.  “But time makes you bolder, and children get older, and I’m getting older too…”   Life, learning, lessons.   I’ve become the person I wanted to be, when it comes to morals, standards, strength.  And how did I do that?   Only after the landslide took me down.

Life these days is pretty straight forward.   I am working hard on myself, and my home.  I am focused, aligned, very content with my life.  Change is coming, I’m not afraid of it, nor am I afraid of how it will change me.    I’ve got a track record now.   All the difficulties have thickened my skin, but not my heart.  My heart is strong, my thoughts are clear, and damn, I just had pistachio ice cream!

Music?  A necessity for me.  I have an italian friend who says she couldn’t live without olive oil.  Me?  I couldn’t live without music.   What’s your necessity?

And now I’ll close as “Rhythm of my Heart” Rod Stewart, is playing.”The rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum, , with the words I love you rolling off my tongue, Never will I roam, for I know my place is home, where the ocean meets the sky I’ll be sailing!”  Have a great weekend!  Chase your desires, your dreams, or hell, just get yourself an ice cream, and sit and listen to your favorite tunes.    Love to you…

 

Like sand through the hourglass

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The past couple weeks I’ve had to take a hiatus from working on my house, given that I lifted my mantle off the gas fireplace and wrenched my back.   So I have found myself sorting, tossing, and thus, revisiting my life with notebooks of writing, poems, boxes of pics, and more.  Where the hell did the last 54 years of my life go?

Further depth came after the tragedies in Orlando.   I will not even go here.  I will say that I have been and am praying for all those affected by such monstrosities.   I am saddened beyond words, of what has and is transpiring in this country, in this world.   I pray for ALL of us.

But I will admit, there is something more going on with me.   I don’t fully understand it, nor am I questioning it, but I am at peace with so much, even in spite of all that is going bad in this world.   I FEEL something coming.   I have random thoughts of what it may be, but I’m not going to go here either.  What I want to share is, I’m accepting myself for who I am, where I’ve been, and finding peace with all that I wanted to be, do, but probably never will.

While looking at pictures from my past, I feel the moment, I recall the times, the feelings, the good, the bad, and the beautiful.   I am aligning with who I am.   And while I want to lose 75 lbs, and more, I am finding peace even with that.  What if I don’t?  Do I want to spend another minute of what’s left of my life worrying about or condemning myself for NOT  BEING PERFECT?

It’s interesting, the story of my life told in pictures.   I have known great love.  I have known great pain.  I have accomplished a lot on my own, without formal education, and I have met SOOO many wonderful people in my life.   Many friends have come and gone, and that’s okay, it is just the ebb and flow of life.  Today, tonight, as I write this blog, I am right with all that has transpired in my life.   I have found peace, and for that I AM TRULY THANKFUL.  If my life ends tomorrow, I am okay with it, because this place where I am is amazing.

I am grateful I was there with my sisters through the illnesses that stripped them of life.  I am grateful that I spent almost a decade of my life with a man who shortly thereafter, drank himself to death.  I am grateful for this “fat” that encompasses my body, because it helps me feel protected from an uncertain world.    Feeling safe anywhere today, is a big thing.   But most importantly to me, I am thankful that I am a good, honest, hard working person who finds pleasure in the simplest of things, in nature.   I don’t spend my time wishing I was in a relationship, or with anyone else, I am happy with my life.   I have learned the most through every tragedy and laughed immensely through much.

In many ways, where I am right now reminds me of surviving and completion of treatment for breast cancer.  It was freeing.   I had (and still have) no room in my life for luxury drama, or bull shit.   It’s actually a little frightening how vocal I can be now regarding this.   The tiny filter that I once had is almost entirely invisible now.   The older I get, the freer I feel about speaking my truth.

Long gone are the days when I worried about someone liking me, or what they thought of me.   I’m right with myself, with God.   I’m right where I’m supposed to be, and it feels good.

I hope that you are finding peace in your life.  I hope you are, too, realizing how precious life is.   How every second of every day is not promised to anyone, and in the blink of an eye your life, and those lives around you, can be altered drastically.  Anyone hearing of the massacre in Orlando, can you help but think this?

Sending you love, light, and as I mentioned earlier, prayers for the world we live in.

 

Music, painting, and life!

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I’m listening to “Into the Mystic” (Van Morrison).   Love this song, and am reminded of many moons ago bombing around town in the jeep with all the doors off, and my dog happily in the back seat eye balling everyone and everything.   This music reaches into my soul and says “Life is good, maybe not perfect, but I am alive, and that’s better than the alternative”…. but many religious people would beg to differ.   Is it?

Music is such an important part of my life.   When I get pounded down by life’s hardships, when I’m at my lowest, I can always go back and think of the last time I listened to music….   It’s related.   Music is one of the best remedies for my mental illness woes.

I’m painting.  Not well, but I’m painting.    I’ve been struggling lately (forever a head case) but as soon as I sit down, music blaring in background, and pick up a brush, I am settled, centered, peaceful.  I am VERY VERY grateful for this.   I try to turn off the inner critic that lives LARGE in my head, sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not.  It’s nice to have an escape.   It feels good.  Now if I could only figure out how to masking tape SHUT the inner critics mouth!

Autumn is fast approaching.   We have almost no color, but I guess it’s early yet.  The air is changing, and the geese are flying South.  This is my favorite time of year.  New England in the Fall is picturesque.   I love to bomb on back roads during foliage, as it looks like you’re driving into a kaleidoscope.   It really does!  No, I’m not on shrooms.   Not for a long while, smirks.

My girlfriend was visiting from Omaha for a few days.  It’s really nice to see her, and always good to talk.   It’s also really nice to have the company.  Dropped her off at the airport today and on the way home stopped in Michael’s to pick up canvas.  3 for the price of one!   Woohooo!

Hope you’re enjoying good health, moods and making room and time for some passion!

A day in the life of Donna…..

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My morning started out really well.  First of all, I slept for 6 hours last night.  This is BIG.  Thank you God, Thank you God… I jump in the shower, walk the dog, feed the animals.   Sort of nervous, sort of excited, today was going to be an adventure into a new part of Boston…Chinatown!    I’m going to become a patient at Tufts Dental School, doctorate program.   Fees are half the price of normal dentists and I need enough work that it will be worth my while.   It had been months since I’ve driven solo anywhere, especially Boston, but I had my iphone, the flyer then sent me, and I was ready.

A fairly uneventful trip down until I hit the MA Turnpike a couple miles out of Boston.  Where is my wallet?   Breathe, breathe, breathe…   Where is my wallet?    BREATH BREATH BREATH…..     “WHERE IS MY *&#&#*# WALLET?”    Why, it’s back home, where would you think it would be?   Oh no!   My phone rings, it’s my mother who has a hard time hearing me on my cell…I love my mother but trying to have a chat with her on the cell phone while driving in Boston is not on top of my To Do List.  Tunnel mom…..  Call you later.

I get to Copley Square… now what?  If I park I can’t pay for parking.   I had enough change to cover the first $1.25 toll, the second?  Do you know what happens if you don’t have money for a toll?  Well, they don’t drag you off to prison, they give you a ticket that you have to mail in.  How do I know this?  Experience AND not enough change for the second toll.     I call Tufts, explain that I am here, (Hey, made it an hour and a half early)…but I have no id, no money, and I have no money to park.   If you could help me with the parking (trust me, every medical facility in Boston has access to this), I will catch that up next visit, and I’m sure that I could call either one of my two best friends who would pay for the appointment over the phone, and I could paypal them the amount later…..   Well, they couldn’t help with parking.  The girl who did this left and no one knows how to get or use free parking token.   MGH is very good about validating your parking if your appointment was postponed, etc.    Now what?   I rescheduled for next Tuesday.   One strike out of two.  If you cancel earlier than 24 hours twice, you cannot be a patient.   I’m not even going to go there with you.    Too much involved in this.

Now what?  My friend Robyne is in Stoughton, Anne is in Marlborough, Wayne is in Westboro…  Okay, I’ll drive down to my friends in Attleboro to pick up samples and make the most of this day.     How do I get out of here?  I pick up my iphone and serenade Siri, and for some reason, maps was not working.   Of course not! It worked find on the way down.  I was so frustrated I swore at her.  She said “Donna, I don’t think that’s appropriate”.     Look for boulevards you know…  A half an hour later I find one, and kept praying for help.   Storrow Drive!  YES!   I know that!   That is where I left the front bumper of my jetta trying to get down to Dana Farber to see my sister!     I know how to get to the Govt center and hospital district, more important, I know how to get OUT….. but wait!   There’s a detour.   Of course there is!

I made it to my friends in Attleboro, visited for a bit, and they lent me money to get home.  Good god!   Thank God for friends.  I had enough gas, but they wanted me to have something in case I had to stop… VERY KIND PEOPLE.

The trip home was crazy, 4-5pm traffic outside Boston is always a blast… I know, I’m going to get off in Bolton and drive that stretch of road that happens to me one of, if not THE favorite of mine in New England.   I think that exit is coming up….   Why yup!  There it is!   There it GOES………………………………………………   Ugh.

My mother calls in the middle of this, she has my dog, hasn’t heard from me since this morning.   I yi yi.   I’m not really good at multitasking to begin with.    A  couple hours later I’m home.  Thank God.   Emotionally and physically exhausted, I cannot wait to get inside, throw off my shoes, clothes, sit in the air conditioning and relax.  Well, the air conditioner wasn’t on, but Lilly apparently was upset with me when I left her this morning.  The minute I opened the door the smell of poop hit me in the face.  Yup, right there, in my studio.

Now, the poop is gone, the paint brushes are out, and I’m sitting amongst piles of stuff that I had promised to put away before I dive into painting again…. it ain’t happening!    I am DONE FOR THE DAY!   This perdue has popped.   I sit down to write a blog, and there is an error message on my computer screen.  Why of course there is!    I had to walk through the troubleshooting several times, and after a half an hour it’s going again, but not without having to also walk through the mines of passwords which were lost in the “fix”.   OMG…    What a day!   I think it erred out from the smell of Lilly Poop it wallowed in all day without a/c.

But you know what?  As difficult as today was, I did it.  I survived it.   And I’m STILL having a better day than that Joyce Mitchell women in NY whose life (and sadly her families) is falling apart for all to see.  The woman who is accused of assisting the two convicted murderers with escape from prison, and today’s tid bit, an apparent plot to kill her husband and move on with her new felon friends.

What a world…  I have all I can do to walk through a day in my own life.  But I have to tell you, sometimes hearing all the crap that is going on in the world makes me feel pretty darn good about being me.  Ditzy, forgetful, chaotic me!  When I travel taught I would call my mother upon my arrival (a must do so she wouldn’t worry).  Every trip she would say “And what did you forget this time?”  It was always something.  One time my brushes, another my suitcase… Well, this time?  My wallet, mom!    Who needs one, anyway? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go remind myself why Bose makes me happy…. perhaps the neighbors, too!

Daring to dream…

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I realized something today that was probably obvious to everyone else. I can’t make, nor do I ever want that control or power over another, I can’t make them see the vision I see, or want the journey.

I want good for all of us, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m not afraid to grab onto hope. I know my dreams are achievable, not without hard work and devotion, and while I want my favorite people on this journey with me, no doubt I will meet new people, new friends who see what I see, who will walk this with me. Perhaps others will join in later, perhaps not. We are all at different places in our lives, we are where we are supposed to be. Everyone’s paths, purposes, desires are different, just as they are supposed to be.

Hope is a funny thing. If you’ve been dropped to your knees in pain, disappointment, if you’ve experienced loss on a magnitude basis, if you’ve known sadness and had to fight your way back, hope can be scary. Hope can be debilitating. Why? Because fear takes over, fear of grabbing onto it, riding it, and then losing that, too. Oh how many of us live “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. But today? Today I see it differently. I see all the tragedy that has happened in my life, the loss, the pain as a driving force pushing me towards my dreams. The more I’m told it can’t be done, the stronger I feel it is. Stubborn? Yeah, but I’m also an intelligent woman who has walked through much in my life, and yet, I’m still standing. I’m not only standing, I’m chasing my dreams and dreaming larger than ever.

I’ve been going about my new business so wrong. I’ve wanted my loved ones to join me because I wanted to do this together, but today I get it. This is not for everybody. I’m so glad that it is for me.

I’ve accomplished what I set out to accomplish in my arts career. I am proud of that. It meant and means all the more that I did it on my own. And my new endeavor will mean all the more because I am doing this, too, on my own. I need and want to give credit to my mother, my friends who helped me get established. Friends who encouraged me when the road got rocky and the electricity was always in disconnect. Truth is, it’s not that much different right now, but my attitude is, and my perspective is. My life is brilliant. All I need to do is be me and committed to being the best me! The rest will fall into place…people, places, things. I am aligning with my life.

I’ve fallen into the next phase of my life. I’m daring to hope, I’m making new friends, getting reacquainted with old, and excited about my future, about my now! I prayed today for something I’ve never prayed for before. Always a believer to pray only for God’s will for me and the courage, strength to carry that through. I prayed that I be blessed with life until I reach my dreams. I have some mighty tall things planned! I smile. I am also well aware that if this is God’s plan, it will come to fruition. Thing is…. it already has. I love the space I am in emotionally, spiritually, and I’m working hard every day to get my physical back to the place I feel best about myself. I want to know what it feels like to have balance between all three for the rest of my life. I am throwing out fear and replacing it with faith.

I am grateful for where I am. I am grateful for where I have been, and every tear shed as it’s helped mold me into who I am today and will undoubtedly help me in all aspects of my tomorrows, that is, if I am blessed with them. I am grateful for where I see myself going, and I am grateful once again for hope. I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Yes, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I am also dead tired, so I shall now say goodnight! Good things planned tomorrow! Sweet sheeps my friends, sweet sheeps. As you rise and shine tomorrow, I hope you are able to greet the day with a smile on your face, gratitude in your heart and hope for today. I hope you, too, find yourself chasing your dreams! xoxo

Rabbit Rabbit

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What a glorious day we have been gifted with in New England.   A day in which some will celebrate Easter, the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Others will gather with family and friends to celebrate the Easter Bunny, jelly beans and good eats.  Then there are those who celebrate that tomorrow all the ridiculously priced marshmallow bunnies, gourmet jelly beans, chocolate hollow or solid bunnies, well, they’ll be half price!!!!!!!!!!   To all, Happy Easter and whatever this day means for you.

I sat outside with the dogs for a half an hour, basking in the warm and welcoming sun.  While the dogs were rolling on their backs down the hill, I sat watching, observing these two silly beautiful creatures.  They look like mutt & Jeff.    A 20 lb terrier mix, and a large, sweet german shepherd whose actions remind me of Scooby Doo.

Music is playing in the background.  A perfect way to start my day before I head over to my brothers for Easter dinner.   Music reaches deep within me, as if to awaken my soul.   Sometimes I close my eyes and let it take me to where it does.  Mesmorizing, hypnotizing, it one of very few things that I can sit quietly without thd ompulsion or desire to product, accomplish.   I’m the type of person that rarely can sit to relax.  The black or white thinking in my brain has me doing doing doing or sleeping like a slug.    I was sharing this last night with guests at a small birthday party for my girlfriend.  I love chickens.  I can sit outside and watch them for hours.   Their response “Really?”  Yes!  Really!   Disney World is a place I can go and detach from all thoughts.   So there you have it… music, chickens & Disney.  Let’s combine those, what would we get?  Hmm   A singing Mickey chick?

As I sat with the small, intimate gathering last night I laughed ridiculously at some memories we were sharing, and some stories of a couples I just met.   I observed the couples, all seemingly happy, connected and thought how nice it was to see.   It has taken years for me to get to a point where I am comfortable being alone.  Loneliness visits frequently but I know what I need to do to keep busy and scurry it away.     When it was just my two girlfriends and me, which together our initials are LSD….I shared that I’m not sure I could compromise now.   A relationship is work, compromises.   I have been single now for 10 years.  I’m fairly set in my ways.  Truth be told I wasn’t that good at compromising in the first place!

Now I shall go get ready to drive over to my brothers.  The German Shepherd will hang out the window and the little one will snuggle up in the corner, her head resting on the arm rest.   It’s comical really.  She loves going for rides, but sits huddled in a corner in the back seat.  They will have a great day and Alas, upon arriving home they will be tired, will sleep which will give me time to do what I want without their demanding attention.

Happy Easter to you and yours…… ♥