Tag Archives: freedom

The “L” Word


I just spent 10 days on the West Coast, Southern California.  The weather was awesome, the trip was great, and I’m hung over from jet lag!  But it was all worth it.

Today I slept in, went for a ride with a good friend, and we chatted and laughed, and chatted and laughed.  Somewhere in between we were also very honest.  Not the easiest thing to do, but always a good thing.

It’s back to work for me now.    Plans and things I’ve worked for, bills to be paid, responsibilities to manage, it can be a slap of reality.  Also, oneness, being alone.  I haven’t felt Loneliness in a long time, and I had hoped I never would again.  But I do.I do, and I’ll live.  And as I step back into my world, into my studio, and plans, I know I will once again be grounded, and all will be solid again.    “Fatigue makes cowards out of all of us!”.     I am tired.

No matter where you go in life, your mind, your conscience follows you.  You can ignore it if you want, you can cast it aside, obliterate it with food, or whatever other coping mechanism you use that keeps you standing, or trying to stand.    In the end, however, reality is there, and that’s okay.   It really is.  It means accepting it, even if you don’t like it.    I know personally that acceptance means peace, and I choose peace over anything else in my life.  Mostly because I’ve lived a long time without it.

In the end I will be true to myself, and I will find my grind, and all that happened will be placed in proper perspective, in a special place that memories go, memories that touch your heart, your soul.

Wishing you love, peace, and a break from reality!  And wishing you a reality that you love, and work hard for.  Love to you and yours…  Wishing me?  Sleep, and peace with oneness.


In my youth



I’m painting (on canvas) for the first time in months, listening to a playlist on Spotify that depicts my life and times in words, songs.   “Rocky Mountain High” just played, which was, I believe, our 8th grade graduation song.   John Denver got me through MUCH in my youth.   The, what seemed insurmountable problems of youth, which seemed so very difficult, something like a blemish on my face, or my favorite Levi’s not clean for a date, etc.   I think about it sometimes, as I drive by the local high school and see these YOUNG KIDS and I question, “Was I really ever that young?”    And then, putting into proportion the immense deep feelings I had for a kid that I had hoped would last into adulthood.  I’m laughing now.  IF ONLY relationships were that easy!  ha!    But it’s nice to think about being so young, so innocent.  And certainly the woes of that time were real, and feelings are so deep because you’ve yet to experience life, to experience loss, to experience the pain of broken hearts or dreams.    I’m not meaning to sound cynical, not at all.   I guess I’m just saying, the innocence and naivety are covered with blankets of protection of our youth.

I’ve often written about music.  How important it is to my well being, to my mental health.  I simply don’t know how I could ever live without it.    In thinking about life’s necessities, and if I were given only one luxury, would I choose music over art?    I think I probably would!  And yet art is so important to me, ingrained in every aspect of my being.   I’m so fortunate that I have known passion for such.   I’m grateful for that.  I’m grateful for where my paint brush has taken me in life, and all the good it has brought me to.

Now, a song by Toni Child’s “I’ve got to go now”.   A song about a woman in love with an alcoholic, who tosses her and his children aside for the almighty bottle.   This song actually relates to the three major relationships I’ve had in my life.  All alcoholics.  The first, who physically beat me, the second who emotionally did, and the last, the one who gave me so much, and likewise, took so much of me when we parted.     “Must be addicted to all this pain, because I keep coming back for the shame.  Dear God give me the strength to leave, I’ve got to keep going, keep going this time”.   Powerful song, and an epitaph of my past relationships.    Listening to this song does not always make me sad.  Shat it does is get me in touch with the courage I have mustered in my life.  The starting over, the strength and fortitude that comes when you say goodbye to the one you love, because you know, if you stay, you will die before he.

Now, “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks.  I LOVE this song.  It’s been, what I call, my “recovery” song.  Questioning, seeing, surviving.  “Oh, mirror in the sky.  What is love?  Can the child within my heart rise above?  Can I sail through the changing ocean tide?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?”   I go to this song when I am questioning,  seeking strength, seeking guidance.  Doubt becomes certainty, becomes strength, endurance, and then even on top of that becomes the silver lining of it all.  “But time makes you bolder, and children get older, and I’m getting older too…”   Life, learning, lessons.   I’ve become the person I wanted to be, when it comes to morals, standards, strength.  And how did I do that?   Only after the landslide took me down.

Life these days is pretty straight forward.   I am working hard on myself, and my home.  I am focused, aligned, very content with my life.  Change is coming, I’m not afraid of it, nor am I afraid of how it will change me.    I’ve got a track record now.   All the difficulties have thickened my skin, but not my heart.  My heart is strong, my thoughts are clear, and damn, I just had pistachio ice cream!

Music?  A necessity for me.  I have an italian friend who says she couldn’t live without olive oil.  Me?  I couldn’t live without music.   What’s your necessity?

And now I’ll close as “Rhythm of my Heart” Rod Stewart, is playing.”The rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum, , with the words I love you rolling off my tongue, Never will I roam, for I know my place is home, where the ocean meets the sky I’ll be sailing!”  Have a great weekend!  Chase your desires, your dreams, or hell, just get yourself an ice cream, and sit and listen to your favorite tunes.    Love to you…


My Walmart Story -All I wanted was service!


This blog is “back by popular demand!”

Jim & I had stopped into Walmart in Keene, NH for our normal supplies.   Being only weeks since losing my kid sister to cancer, I was deep into grief, no where near “myself”…   I headed for the fabric department to pick up some batting for a project I was starting and Jim took the cart as he kindly offered to gather all the household/animal/food stuff we had on our list.  Upon arriving in the department I noticed a woman my age and her daughter waiting for service.  “Have you asked for help?” I asked in a kind tone.  “Yes, 10 minutes ago” the woman replied rather grumpily.   I walked up to the Customer Service Desk, requested help.. they paged someone as I was walking back to the department.

About 5 minutes later we were still waiting for help.  I thought to myself, hmmm I wonder if I could figure out how to page!  (Now mind you, if you have ever walked the difficult road of grief you know you are not in your right mind!).  I walked behind the counter and found a sign beside the phone “To Page press #1”, which I did.  “Customer Service in Fabrics Please, Thank you!”.   As I walked back to the front of the counter I saw the grumpy woman shake her head in disgust and her young daughters jaw hit her chest as she smiled at me. 

10 minutes later, still no help.  I went behind the counter again, picked up the red phone and started to page… as I was doing this Jim came around the corner with a full cart.  One thing I loved and miss about Jim was when he saw me he always smiled brightly, I felt like the most important person in the world.  Now as a beautiful redhead he would turn red from head to toe at times too….  As he came around the corner pushing the cart he smiles that big old welcoming smile, then his face turns to confusion as he sees the red phone up against my ear, and me BEHIND the counter, then his face flips over to pure horror as he connects the voice he is hearing over the intercom to his fiancee that he is looking at… “There have been customers waiting in fabrics for over 15 minutes now, could we get some help here please???” 

Now red from head to toe, and actually picking up speed, he whizzes by me with the cart and utters “You need a wheel barrel for the set of balls you are carrying girl!” and kept on going up front where he quickly paid for product and left the store, not wanting anyone to know he was with me… (I’m laughing as I’m writing this).  I in the meantime went back to the front of the counter waiting for service.  This girl, probably 17 or 18 shows up, I pointed to the woman beside me “She was here first”.  She was chopping her fabric to shreds, literally.  I was thinking about saying something but thought, nah, this woman needs to learn to speak up for herself, but if she does this to mine, that’s another story.  Then she looks at me with the look that can only be described as “Carrie” and said “Did you do that?”  I looked innocently at her and said “Did I do WHAT?”  “Did you Page?”  I said “Why yes, I did!”.  “You AREN’T supposed to do that!” she said in a rather harsh and scolding tone.   Without hesitation I said “Who are you going to call, the Paging Police?”.

With that the sweetest Southern Belle came down and apologized for my having to wait for service, measured out 3 extra yards of batting for me, and I was on my merry way.  When I got out into the car Jim was fit to be tied.  He said “Donna, I can’t believe you did that!”  We had been together for 7.5 years, this made me laugh… to the point where I was laughing so hard I was in a belly roll, now at risk of wetting my pants.  This was the first time in weeks that I had laughed, and the first time IN MY LIFE that I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of my actions.   It was so healing.  I was laughing so hard I was crying, in a scary insane manner lol.  The more I thought about what I did, the disgusted look on the face of the clerk, and how I DID NOT CARE…. I would laugh harder.  It was so FREEING!   Have you ever experienced this?  That freedom?

We had to stop at my brothers house on the way home because I needed to use his bathroom…as I ran into the bathroom I could hear Jim telling my brother “You will not believe what your sister did!”… My brother was disgusted with me too.  He said “If you were my wife I would have hit you!”… That made me laugh all the more….  (My brother is a very passive person).

So for days I laughed over this incident and for months Jim refused to go into Walmart with me, but the thing was… All I wanted was service!