Tag Archives: emotional pain

Walking through grief

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The past couple days have been rough, with migraines and frustrating bitchiness.   This morning I was allowing myself to get really bent out of shape over nothing, when I sat down and jumped on facebook.      I hope the migraine(s) are behind me, I think it’s related to barometric pressure, my head feels like it isn’t attached to my body.  Strange, and adding to the Bitch of the Year award!

As I surveyed my facebook feed, I read a post from a friend who is really a very lovely woman, a woman of faith, ridiculously talented, and kind to the core.     She posted about two children who touched her deeply today, and made her smile while she was gassing up her car.    It lightened up my mood, until close to the end where she spoke about telling the kids mother how much their kindness and friendliness meant to her, and today or all days, as her sister died early this morning of cancer.   Tears flowed down my face then.

I immediately sent her a message, offering condolences, and thanking her for her share.   My mind swept back to the very days my sisters succumbed to cancer.    I was broken, and I was angry at God for allowing this to happen.  And so began a war between he and me, for months on end.   I defied my morning praises, and no longer prayed at all.   How could he allow this to happen?

In time, I learned and accepted that death is a part of our life, and that fairness doesn’t really play a role here.  But my friend, who had just said goodbye to her sister, was talking about how good God is, and how much this experience helped her, and made her smile.   I cried as I reread her beautiful, lovely, words.    How amazing that she was at peace, or I should say, more peace than I had when my sisters took their last breaths.

I sat in silence, trying to compose myself, get my emotions into check, and while I would like to say the bitchiness melted away, it did not, but I was so moved by her share, and her eloquence, awestruck with her compassion and faith.     When she replied to my message she spoke words I understand too well, about not knowing how she will do this without her sister, her first best friend.    Her words lent clarity to me of how I felt, too.

I remember thinking how cruel it was that the birds still chirped, that life still went on, even though my sisters lives were over.   I remember people telling me “time will heal”.  I also remember being firmly (and probably belligerently) adamant that NO ONE would tell me how to grief, how to walk through this atrocity which had been handed down to my family.   Grief is a journey, a necessary journey that is so individualized.   There is no right or wrong way to grieve, though I hope I handled it with even a small portion of the grace that my friend did this morning.

At this time another friend texts me that she knew and was related to the pedestrian who was hit in Brattleboro yesterday and who died later from her injuries.    Many eyewitnesses have shared that she walked right out in front of the car, the driver was not at fault.  But that driver?  Is devastated.    I saw pics of him with his head in his hands, crying.  Of course he was.  What person wouldn’t be?    And then she shared that this person had also just lost two siblings to cancer.    I was relaying all this to my mom, and we shared how grief is an alternate existence, if you will.   You’re not in your right mind, your preoccupied, sad, emotional, and that may be a part of why she aimlessly walked into traffic.  How incredibly sad.

So, tonight, as I write this, I’m thinking about all that transpired this morning and how it changed and altered my piss poor thinking.   I am still working through some crap, but for the most part, I’ll be crawling into bed very grateful that my day may be frustrating, and my head may ache, but I had a fairly uneventful day given two other peoples lives that changed drastically in a moments time.

I wish you a restful nights sleep, and an uneventful (almost boring) day tomorrow.  Life can change on a dime, and it does.  We find ourselves walking through life without those we love most in the world, and I have since learned that the birds still chirping as we walk through grief is really a gift, because life does go on for some.    How easily, how naturally we take things for granted, at least I do.   And I think I’m a pretty grateful person, but obviously imperfect and still learning about life.   Aren’t we all?

 

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Sophie (Loren)

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It’s not always easy doing “the right thing”.   The past week I have been thinking about a german shepherd that I rescued, and eight months later placed into gsd rescue program.   The past couple of days I’ve been thinking of her non stop.  When I went on facebook tonight, I realized why.  It was one year ago today that I placed her.

I didn’t want another dog, but she needed help, so I took her in.   She was just 14 months old, missing half of her fur, her ears were angry red, she cried if you touched them.   She scratched herself ALL THE TIME.   Sophie had major allergies and did so well on GOOD dog food ($50 a bag).  But I didn’t have the means to give her this.

The morning she left we laid on the couch together.  She rested her head in my chest and just looked up at me with those big brown eyes.   I couldn’t hold back the tears.  Goodbyes are so hard.    In my life I have learned, even goodbyes that bring relief are not easy, and for me, not painless.  I’ve had a few.

I’m trying to hold onto gratitude.   How well she looked, last time I saw pictures of her, and how happy she looked.  She was one smart dog.   She was just so big and strong, and at the time I was having physical problems, well still do, but I remember how bruised I got a couple of times with her.  She didn’t even know her size, her strength.   The fastest dog I’ve ever seen, and my aussie was a tennis ball and Frisbee chaser.  Sophie had it all over him, hands down.

So I’ve shed a few tears tonight, thinking about her, I do miss her.  I never thought I would give up an animal, ever, always had them.   Last year at this time I had two dogs and three cats.  Every woman needs this much responsibility!   Now I have one dog and two cats, and my cats are geriatric.  In fact, my Maine Coon who spends summers outside, hasn’t shown her face in the past couple days.  I am concerned.  But I remember being concerned one time when I hadn’t seen her for a week (We are talking probably 12-14 years ago now), and she came crawling back.  I think she got locked into a building across the road, and finally found her escape.   I am thinking back on the tears I shed that day when she came home, tears of joy.

My little terrier was groomed the other day.  I typically do it.   Can’t say as I like the looks of her head the way it is, I prefer the ragdoll look, but she sure does smell good, and her fur is so soft.   Unlike my aussie who pranced around and thought he was the cats meow after he was groomed, she ran under the ottoman and stayed there for the day.

I know I did right by Sophie.  I know because it was one very hard decision to make and follow through with.  I’ve found that doing “the right thing” is typically the hardest choice, and the most difficult to do!

Time to go to bed, and hopefully sleep will come.   I hope! I hope! I hope!   And I hope you have a great day!

EVIL and Kkkkkkkkkkkkkarma

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Today’s Lesson:   If I seek revenge on an evil act, I become part of it

Today’s Gratitude:   I am grateful that I am aware of today’s lesson

I am seething at the moment.  Have you ever been around evil?  I think we all have, whether we have recognized it or not.   How did you react mentally, physically, spiritually to it?  Does it consume you?  Is it changing you into someone you are not or don’t want to be?

I pray for those who have harmed me or my loved ones.   I learned this long ago in a 12 step program.    Evil to me comes in the form of several things, one being deceit, another being greed, ill will to others.    There has been a person that thankfully, is no longer in my life, but still reeking havoc on my family.  Evil..  Greedy.   I believe in karma, and this person has some major bad karma coming to her.  My fear is that when it knocks on this persons door, and it will, will it be through a mutual family member?

Two years ago, when I was hospitalized for depression, I couldn’t talk about some very cruel and evil things that were happening to me.   I was accused of inappropriate touch in a situation that was a very moving memory for me.  How do you deal with something like that?  I was so hurt, very hurt, how this person (same person) took something very beautiful and made it ugly and bad.  I will share the incident in a minute.    I have never been so wrongfully treated in my life.  I couldn’t share about it because I was accused of writing blogs that defamed them.  Everything was taken, twisted, and this blank filled eyed person brought evil into everything that was good.  I was the target.   I am going to talk about it now because it has been a couple years and I know other people have gone through this.  I will not share on this again here.

It was not easy for me to have my breasts removed.  It was not easy to learn that the cancers I had were at high risk of recurrence and I was at high risk of another.   With my higher power in my heart, and friends and family at my side, I made the difficult decision to have double mastectomies and reconstruction.   I declined chemotherapy for reasons I will one day share.  For 2 years I went through surgery after surgery because my compromised immune system created complication after complication.    Part of reconstruction for the type I chose began at the same time as mastectomies.  Expanders were placed under the muscle.  Saline was inserted each week, or every other week to stretch the muscle and tissue, preparing for the implant.  It was a journey I would wish on no one.  But here is the thing.  I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.  I learned who I was, what I was made of, and I now share my experiences, in essence, teach others the risks, things I learned which may or may not help them.  I probably, no, I know I share a lot of personal things in my blog, sometimes I will go back and delete because I feel too exposed.  The only reason I share what I do is because I know I am not alone in whatever it is I am struggling with, I am not unique with my challenges, my hardships.  If my experiences, my words can help even one other person…. isn’t that great?

Well, this innocent child had watched me go through this for months, noticing the change in my body from start and reconstruction and never asked about it.  I am sure this child’s parent told them not to.    One night this child came to spend the night with me.   We played, beaded, painted, read, took the dogs on a hike in the woods.  It was a wonderful weekend for both of us.    When we were getting ready for bed I took off my sweatshirt, revealing a cotton camisole, something that I had to wear for months….Anyway, this child seemed angry and upset, crawling down to the foot of the bed to look.  “That isn’t your pajama’s” she said.   I replied “This is what I am going to wear for pajamas”.   Now, she was  angry that I wasn’t changing into something different I asked “What is the matter?”    After a couple of minutes the reply “I want to see”.   Knowing the extent of the scars, I said “We’ll check with your parents first”.  “They told me to ask you”.  “No, they didn’t”.   Persisted until I said a prayer, picked up my shirt and showed my breasts.   “Does it hurt?”   “No, it doesn’t”….   “Can I feel one?”  “Yes… a tender touch to this rock hard breast “It’s hard, are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”  “No it doesn’t hurt”….. and that was that.   Curiosity of a child.   We snuggled into bed with a bag of Doritos and I prayed that I did the right thing.   Just as this child was falling to sleep “Donna?”….. “Yes”…..   “It’s no big deal!”    As she fell asleep, a plentitude of tears fell down my cheeks.  Through the eyes of a child, the innocence, the beauty, the validation that I was not deformed or should be concerned about how I looked.   It was a beautiful moment and one that I will hold dear.     In the morning I told the parents and they were fine with it.   Months later when it became convenient to manipulate to get what was wanted, it suddenly became improper touch.      Devastating.

I cannot describe to you the pain that this caused me.  I cannot describe to you the anguish and how devastating this was for me.    I went to see my girlfriend at her work and told her what was happening.  She and I have been friends for 30 years.  “You are still allowed to see them (child) ?   Yes.  “Donna, think about that.  If someone did something to my child you can damn well bet the last thing that would happen is their being near my family again.  And furthermore, the first thing I would do would be to call the police!  Did they call the police?”  “No”.  My girlfriend is very intelligent, she is also a woman of class, but more importantly, high scruples, morals, standards.   I trust her implicitly.  We have seen each other through some of the roughest times in our lives.  Crying, I could see the anger in her.  When she gets angry her jaw clenches, and her jaw was clenching.  She was angry.  She was angry because she knows me, and she knows that I would never do anything like what I was then was being accused of, and that this evil persons lies were so painful for me.  She loves me, and I her.    My visit with her helped me through the next couple of days, and finally combined with other things that were going on, I became suicidal.   I felt like I had little support through this, my friends were very supportive.   EVIL.    My nephew had come to live with me.  He also had been targeted in ugly ways.  At 20 years old he was one of my biggest supporters.  I will forever be grateful that he was living with me then.   I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital.   It was all too much for me to sort through, to accept.    Beauty, innocence purposely distorted for their gain which was revenge at my family.

I have seen evil.  I have been victim to evil.   When the hair on my neck stands up, when my stomach starts to flip flop around someone, I walk away, I stay away.  Why?  Because I want no part of it.  It was during this time that I called my cousin who is a very spiritual, religious man, he spiritually guides me.   Actually, he called me at 2 am because we were both up (as usual) and I was having a particularly hard day.   He talked to me about strife, we spoke of evil.   The energy of this person is evil.  A blankness in the eyes, not a tear shed for anything in over 10 years plus, no conscience, cruel, greedy and more. I have nothing to do with this person but it angers me to see the continued pain caused by greed, lies, accusations.   I will not allow myself to hate.   It takes too much out of me physically, mentally.   I pray for this person.  I pray for those of the wake that is left from their actions.  I pray for their health, physically and mentally.    It is not for me to judge another, but it is my business when so wrongly accused of such vial things, or in general to assess a person, place of thing is good for me.   I am not the judge of her.   I am a victim of her vengeance.  People with vengeance in their energy I steer clear of as well.  They are dangerous.    I will never “win” anything at the level they are because I am not like that, I do not understand nor live there, nor will I ever be.

I will work through this anger.   I will support the latest victim, but I will never go near them again.   I think the devil himself would wear leather gloves before touching this evil entity.

If you don’t like what I said, do not tell me so.  Please keep your comments to yourself then.  If you understand, then by all means, please share, it helps me, it helps us all, there is strength in numbers.    I know that evil exists.  I know that there is a dark side that my body reacts to, warning me of the danger.   I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful I was able to walk away and leave them to their creator.  Because you know what happens?  In my pain, in my ego, I was becoming someone I am not.  It’s ironic how that works.

If this person is cyber stalking still….. I will once again say to you what I said gently and with compassion back then “Get help”.   Also remarks of my mental illness, cruel demeaning comments, knife slicing comments that cut through my heart.   My thoughts on this are…. what is worse?  Being treated for a mental illness or being ignorant to one and not seeking help?

Evil exists.  Karma exists.  Love exists.   Goodness exists.  I am protected, however through my God.   I am guided to be the best person I can be, to help others, to love others, and to accept both myself and others, shortcomings and all.  To learn, to grow, to teach.   I share this because I did nothing wrong.  I share this because “secrets” are not healthy, we are as sick as our secrets.  I share this and will share this more explicitly in the book I am writing.    I am not as fearful of evil as I once was as I know I will be protected.  I am, however, cautious and hyper vigilant on when and what evil will appear in my life next.   I have to work on that because that very hyper vigilance keeps me from appreciating this very moment.    Every day it gets easier for me.  Every day I grow and are becoming the best person I can be…

Please, no sympathy, I am okay.  I always welcome prayers, and if you will say a prayer for this person, that would be great.

Thanks for listening….

Today’s artwork is one season of several window scenes I have painted.   This is “Cardinal Window”  

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An instructional pattern packet is available for this painting. 

No more bandages, just scars

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Today I drove to Boston to get the bandages off my foobs and sides where the drains were.   My doctor is really pleased with how I am healing.  I am pleased.  After my plastic surgeon was done with pictures and left the room I sat there looking down at myself.  I walked over to the wall where the mirror was.  My doctor had pulled down a background screen for photos which had covered the mirror.  I raised that back up, and stared into the mirror.  It was a bit of an emotional moment or two for me.  Here I stood there looking at these fairly large scars.  In a strange sort of way I was glad they were there today.   They served to validate the pain that has filled my chest area.  The pain I was feeling was not coming from the area(s) that were just unbandaged, newly scarred and healing.  The pain I was feeling was coming from my heart.   

Scars are visual evidence of someones experience, typically painful.   Sometimes by their actions we can see how others have built walls around their heart, or perhaps even define areas in which they have been hurt.   Their “sore spots” so to speak.  But typically we do not know the pain or scars of anothers heart.  We do not know if their heart is scarred or if scar tissue has formed from lifes hardships.   My heart hurts today.  I have experienced a tremendous loss and today I am tired, battered and want to hide.  I’m working my way through so much right now, I am physically and emotionally drained.   When I arrived home I had lunch with my mom and a friend, and then I took an hour nap.

The incision areas are very clean, looks amazingly good considering all that these breasts/foobs have been thru in the past year.  My next surgery will be nipple reconstruction and revisions.   I’ll have two NEW scars under my arms from where he’ll be taking out excess fat… YES fat!   rolling my eyes.  Today?  I really couldn’t give a shit less!

Today my bandages came off and the visual evidence of my surgical pain exists.  What isn’t visual is the tremendous grief and heartache I’m feeling.  It is strange to have experienced this today.  Above my heart is a large incision area still healing.  It does not hurt.  The pain I am feeling is coming from my heart.

If only our heart would heal as fast as the rest of our body….  But I know I will heal, I know that acceptance will come.  Hope changes.