Tag Archives: dreams

Stepping towards a dream


I just recently took a big step in moving towards a dream of mine.  It’s been a LONG TIME coming.   I remind myself that I am investing in myself, not the list of others I’ve invested, some foolishly.

Having to learn new things is great, but I  no longer learn at the pace I did when I was younger, and the need to repeat the paragraph a couple of times before I fully comprehend it.

Aging man.   Should be easier!    Ya make it through the times where you do not have any idea what you are doing, in youth, looking for others approval, and even in maturity at times.   Ya get your life together, thinking you’re doing well, and then your faced with facts of aging.  Not pleasant.   And I know I am in my late 50s, considered to be the new 40s,,, I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE MY 40s EVER AGAIN.   It was by far, the hardest, worst times in my life.  Illness, death of sibling, breast cancer, another close death, reconstruction, with complications all the way.    Yup, I’ll take my 50s, and though I’m not as sharp as I once was, I’ll figure it out.   I’m mostly referring to my parents, my dad now.   The new challenges that aging creates, if you are so fortunate to grow old!   It just ain’t right!

So as I take this step there is excitement, ambivalence, hope, fear.  “What if I fail?”  But darling, “What if you fly?”




New beginnings


The journey of grief astounds me.    How is it that you can bring your mother to dozens upon dozens of surgeries, appointments, chemotherapy over the course of 17 years, drs. appointments, xrays, emergency rooms, labs, and more and have been told on two (or three counting the last one) occasions to put her affairs in order, have done all that you humanly can do to make her plight through not 1, not 2, but FIVE cancers, and become her voice on her last day alive, be present when she takes her last breath, and STILL fall “privy” to the five stages of grief, including DENIAL?

I have mentioned on many occasions, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work, a pioneer in the hospice movement, believing in and pushing for rights of a patients “right to know’ they were dying, and studying and talking with dying patients, coming up with the five stages of grieving, and being a woman doctor in a predominantly mans world.  No, that deserves an exclamation point!   So not only is that sentence way too lengthy, it also needs !!!!!!

This female doctor was labeled by fellow male doctors as “Dr. Death”.    Like research and development of cancers, all terminally or chronic illness, death is going to come to us all, at some point.  I remember a dream in which i woke up knowing i had been blessed with a visit beyond.    I was granted three questions.  The first one I asked was “Why are our pets lives so short?”   The answer was, in an average persons life they will have 4-9 pets, or their families had pets.   Their deaths teach us how to accept this hard fact of life, and prepare us for loved ones, and ultimately our own deaths.

I am not here to argue with anyone, I will just say that I KNOW there is more than this realm.  I have had amazing experiences that have developed my beliefs from questioning, to wondering, to KNOWING.  I am a fortunate woman.  And I seldom share these experiences because in a rare interview with 60 Minutes a couple decades ago and can be viewed on YouTube, Bob Dylan speaks of “knowing” your own greatness, your own destiny, and how vital it is to keep it to yourself because others can and will squelch not only your desires, dreams but also that inner voice, drive, purpose stripping you of all.   I’m nodding as I am typing this.    I KNOW my experiences are real, and I’m not going to allow anyone to take them from me.

I am also an empath.   What does that mean?    Well, quite frankly, I read and feel people’s energies, their emotions, at the age of 8 I had my “first” premonition that came to fruition just 12 hours later.    I don’t see dead people!  (The Sixth Sense movie) .   Recently when my mother was passing I knew it was happening long before the doctors did.  They wanted “biopsies, and more”, whether that was for expensive testing income, or if they really didn’t see it happening, I knew it was coming.     I told my siblings this before any doctor even told my mother.  I also texted my sister at the exact time they pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, arriving from an airport.  I smiled when she walked into the room moments later.  “Did you like that i knew you were here?”  I asked.    I suppose they thought I was looking out a window, I was on the opposite side of the hospital with my mother, there was a window but the curtains were closed.  In doing this, I allowed my family to “see” what I “know” on a very small basis.

There will be those who call this blog, and any other that i write or have written on death to be “morbid”, but death is as real as birth (and unfortunately,  taxes!).   Personally, I know there are worse things than death.    Obviously I have never experienced my own (which has been miraculous given the severe depressions I have survived), but I have been on the journey of grief several times.

I was just thinking about my girlfriend Janice.  Her dad was in the hospital, and her family was all there with him, he had cancer, and they were wonderfully, as a family, rallying by his side, telling him it was time to go, telling and showing him how much they loved him.  I had stopped by to bring some hot cocoas and coffee, as they had been there a long time.   Just before he passed I stepped out of his hospital room and stood outside by the door.  I knew it was coming and I felt like it was too intimate and personal for me to be in the room when it happened.,  2 minutes later my girlfriend walks out and says “he’s gone”.  I don’t believe I ever asked her if she had noticed, and I was glad I knew to step out.   For this family, who have always been welcoming to me, this was THEIR experience with their father, husband, grandfather, not mine.

My mother had a sixth sense, too.   She never explored it, because she loved Jesus Christ, and I believe was fearful of blasphemy.   My mother was a highly intelligent woman who led a life that was many times, most times, painful.    But her belief in Christ was strong, and we had many wonderful discussions on such. (again).   Regretfully I suppose, I didn’t share with her all of my many experiences, because I didn’t embrace this part of me until my early 30’s.  Let’s just say when people get close to me, and I allow them to be part of my inner workings, I have been asked on numerous occasions “Are you a witch?”     In which I always reply “A bitchy one, too!”     🙂

I have “known” since the age of 8 that I am supposed to write, write books? blogs?  letters?   I suppose.  And I have kept a blog for probably 7-10 years now, which has been primarily about me and my life experiences.   It has been a helpful healing tool through some mighty painful events and things.  I am about to (re)start my first book.    I have written on and off throughout my life, but I’ve stayed away from ever “finishing” whether it be choice, or being an “optimist” and never (before) backing up my work, and having computers die!  “Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups!”   One might think that it wasn’t meant to be, the timing wasn’t right, I tend to agree.  But i would be lying if I didn’t tell you I am somewhat afraid of it, I am afraid of the success, and I am afraid that it will be my final and last purpose here on this plain, so in a twisted, sorted way, I feel like when I am finished writing it, my existence here will end.  The longer I wait, the longer I will live…   LOL.    Intuition?  Premonition?  Or Fear?  Fantasy?   But I want you to notice how I put “my first book”, hoping that this will be the start of many.

I have been very fortunate in my life.   I have been guided, spiritually since a very young age, and have had amazing things happen to and for me.   I will give you a minuscule example.  Driving home one day from a painting class I had begrudgingly was taking with a friend, I “prayed” prayers of thanks for being dragged into this class by a brazen woman who “needed a ride” and in return she would pay for my class.   “I think I would like to start teaching!” I added.       The next morning I received a phone call from a school board member in my small, quaint town of 2000, asking me if I would be willing to teach painting, as part of adult continued education she was working on!     I laugh, because when these things happen, I KNOW I am right where I’m supposed to be.  I am aligned with source, god, whatever you want to call it.  Within three weeks I was teaching a painting class at our local elementary school, and that began a career that spanned 20 years, and which was some of THE best times of my and my mothers lives.  She was largely responsible for my success, she was my greatest supporter, in  MANY MANY ways.   My success was indeed hers, as well.

So now that I’ve allowed you “in” a bit, stay tuned for what may be a huge success or a major disappointment! ha!    I am writing this looking for friends who write, to join groups and blogs where other authors share their talent, hopes and dreams.   Because I believe those that the friendships that come from this are “MEANT TO BE!”

Calling all pens, pencils and keyboards!!!!  Love and peace to all who read this!






“I remember standing on the corner at midnight, trying to get my courage up.  There was this long lovely dancer in this club downtown, I loved to watch her do her stuff.  Through the long lonely nights she filled my sleep, her body softly swaying to that smokey beat, down on Main Street…”

In 1980 I was at a Bob Seger concert at Boston Garden.  When it was announced that they were recording this concert for a new LP (yes, I’m that old), I was standing on the chair, screaming, jumping up and down!    It was a great concert.

In 1980 I was almost 20 years old.   At the concert with a guy that died a young death in a snowmobile accident.   He was 27 years old, with a wife and two kids.  We were long gone as a couple, but we both loved music.   We went to many concerts in the short time we were together.   He had big blue eyes, curly blonde hair, and was a big guy, someone who I felt protected with when we went to a “Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Colt” concert in Boston.      My god, there were more people tripping than straight.  But I digress.

I often relate music to times in my life.  More so than not.   The memories can be very vivid, and can raise me up or drop me to my knees.  It wasn’t until later in life that I learned what real hardship and heartache was.  And don’t get me wrong, as a young person, love is a hard thing, especially lost love, but now, I think back and smile, grateful for the memories.    Some things weren’t meant to be.   And as true with most things, as I lived out portions of my life, I would understand why things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, or had hoped they would.   I see young people and I think “My God, was I really ever that young?  That innocent?”   Hell YES!

It’s been many years since I stood on that chair screaming and singing my lungs out.   And when people say “he or she has changed”, I smile and listen, but my thoughts are “Have they?”  Have I?     Yes, life has a way of smartening you up, experiences have a way of defining moments that change the course of your life.   But are we the same?

Best as my experience tells me, when you knew someone in your youth, if they were good, kind people, then chances are they still are.   And if they were an asshole?  They may still be!      Life dishes out suntans AND wet towels!   Sometimes the wet towels are so heavy it takes everything you’ve got to keep moving.   But experience has taught me it helps to toss the wet towels, grab from it all that you have learned, both good and bad, then drop it in its path, and continue on.

Maturity is a beautiful thing.   In life we learn all kinds of things about people, ourselves.   I learned at the age above in my life this relationship was not meant to be.  While there was pain, it passed.   And I’m very grateful that I wasn’t his widow at 27.

The kind of people that draw my attention are the people who have walked through hell and kept walking.    Because NO ONE’s life is perfect, and some of us have learned the value in being honest about it.   That doesn’t mean you stay sitting in the sand, with the wet towel around your neck.  It means you learn to be kinder to yourself, to accept change, and you learn the type of people who are deserving of your time, your heart.

Real people, with real issues.    I like people who have survived major shit.  Why?  Because they know who they are, they know what they don’t want, and what they do, and they value the smaller things in life, like the values of a person, not their mistakes.  And when we can finally accept that about ourselves, those of us who are blessed to live long enough to figure that out, there is comfort and peace in knowing, everything is as it should be, even if we don’t like it.

Very grateful for my life, and where I am today.  Is it perfect?  Not even close, but it’s mine, and I plan to make the most of it!

Creative zoning


It’s the wee hours of morning.  Many of my friends are just rising.  This is my favorite time of day.  I guess because it’s very quiet, I’m seldom if ever interrupted by the phone, and my creativity screams from 10pm-4am.   So many have expressed their concerns, that I’m isolating, which may be true, but truly, this is a peaceful time for me.

The cat is asleep, I hear her little snore in between the lulls of music.  My studio is in the usual disarray that happens with winds of creativity.  I’ve got two stacks of messy bun hats that are holding up the rooster and turtle paintings, and my large painting table is covered, every inch.  It’s awesome.  When I go into the kitchen to fill my glass with drink, I look at the pile of dishes and smile.   It will end.  Eventually this streak will come to close, or slow anyway, and the dishes will eventually get done!

So many of my friends are struggling, or have been with health issues.   I offer prayers for them whenever I think of them, or see their posts.  I slept and rested today, watching some old television programs on Netflix.  But at 10pm, my mind was thinking of color, texture, and ways to paint certain pieces, effects.

Earlier today when I fell asleep on the couch, I had a dream that recurs.  It’s a painful dream, and I always wake up feeling breathless, and sad.  So I did what I have learned to do, and that is, not run from it, but honor it, and not dissect every bit of it, but lightly think about why now?  Sometimes the answer comes, sometimes it doesn’t.  I’m grateful this dream is not nearly as frequent as it used to be.  And I’ve come to accept I’ll probably have it for life, unless somehow I find resolution.  But there is no resolution.  The best way I knew how to shake it off was with a brush in hand.

I must admit when I rose today I wasn’t thrilled to see it snowing.  As I walk in my yard it’s hard to believe that I will ever see ground again, but I will.   And in Spring when new life grows, and I see the beginning of plants and perennials that survived the winter, I forget all about the tons of white shit that right now fill my yard and block off about 1/3 of my normal driveway.

So, this is where my thoughts are.   On painting, on new beginnings, and sadly, some endings.   It is what it is.

I’m seriously considering taking some classes, art related, maybe even a writing class to get me seriously actively pursuing a lifelong dream.

Plans to stay up all day today, and try to curve myself back into the schedule of the majority of the world.   We shall see how that goes.

Peace to you,


Is there alcohol in heaven?


Today has been a hard day.  No particular anniversary, minimal physical pain with the exception of that place that resides in my chest and harbors my heart.

My sleep schedule has been largely disrupted, but that’s okay, I am getting A LOT of work done.   What happens, however, is a crash and burn.    But it’s the best sleep next to anesthesia!  I am one who loves being knocked out.  LOVE it!   When my time comes to die, I hope to be wide awake, waiting for that light.

As I slept hard, and what feels comatose, my dreams consisted of people and places in my past.  People who have passed.   Normally I wake up, can shake off the initial pain (remembering… realizing…  reality) and be grateful that I saw their face, eyes, smile, heard their voice once more.  But not today.  Today I am lingering in a world that no longer exists.  My head knows this, my heart doesn’t want to hear it.

A friend, consoling me said “It doesn’t matter how long it’s been”.    I thanked her for that.   No, it doesn’t.    Last night’s dream still has me walking on shaky ground, many hours later.  I know I can’t go back, if I could, I would’ve by now.  Someone I need to walk through this day, embrace what is, be grateful for what WAS and is, and let it go.   But that’s much easier said than done, at least today it is.

I wonder, is there alcohol in heaven?    Hiss at me for suggesting such.  But when you’ve loved and lost someone who is or was an addict, there is some peace in knowing, their fight, their plight with their demons has passed.

We drove past a church where a service was being held for a young man who died of an overdose.    My heart hurt for his family and friends.   “His mother said there is some peace in knowing, it’s behind him”.  I nodded, thinking about what I said above.   Yeah, I said to myself, and I pray that it will carry her through the hard days ahead.

To grieve, to mourn is not anti God.  It is not a horrible thing to do, and while it is hard, for me, apparently today, it is necessary.   For those who have on occasion suggested differently or in a bit of kinder, less harshful words than “Move on”, I bid you, how the hell does one do that?

Last night I visited the past.   A past that ended tragically, but one that was also filled with immense love, memories, and some of the best times of my life.   Today I’m trying to get back to acceptance, beyond the pain of loss that revisits on occasion.   I know I will find my way, but right now?   Right now my heart hurts.  I am longing for acceptance, and soon.  I know why I’m feeling this way, I know that I have to face one of my own demons…. fear.  Fear of being hurt again.     But will I?

Missy Higgins “Scar”

How did I get this age?


While gazing out the window today through the brilliant green branches that hover near, I thought about time. How time eludes me, how slow it goes when times are tough, and how quickly when they are good. Yet still, even after the storm passes it seemed to pass at a very fast pace, just not as quickly as when all is well, flows smoothly.
Have you ever turned on the television and seen how your favorite actors or actresses have aged? Or on facebook see posts of gadgets that you used as a child and they are now “Remember when”? Looking at your family, your friends and wonder how the heck did they get old when I am still young, spry and have elasticity in my skin? But seriously, I looked down on an 8x magnifying mirror the other day and almost had a heart attack. Who is that? Who is that woman in my rear view window?
I think of myself as in my 30’s, only with more aches and pains. Last night I looked at single men in my age group on Match dot com and couldn’t believe how old they looked. How is it possible that I am 52? How? And yet no matter how old I get, my sister will always be 5 years older than me! Saving grace.
I have on several occasions been asked “If you had it to do over again, what would you change?” Well, for one, that BIG hair in the 80’s! I wouldn’t have gotten married so young. I would have waited until my 30’s, or even 40’s. I would have gone to college to be a graphic designer or fashion designer. It comes natural to me, but without proper training, well. I needn’t say more. I have sketches of sweaters and vests I plan to make this Fall/Winter. I have a book that chapters have been written and rewritten, and still… unfinished. I have paintings that are 75% finished, not many, but a few. I have blogs in draft form that I never published, edited, followed through. Sometimes I think that by not finishing all of these things, most certainly the book I’ve been writing for years and years, that I won’t die before I do it. A twisted sort of thinking that God will not take me before I finish these things. HA! Who am I fooling?
Now, as I sit here writing this, looking around at how my living room is decorated, with solids, plaids and florals, I wonder…Does my home reflect my age? Or more? Does my home look like an 80 year old woman lives here? Does it reflect my artistic abilities? The settled life that I lead? And on the flip side of this, what does my future hold? Will I finish the projects above or find myself living my dream(s)? Or a better question, will I jump off the cliff into faith and chase them?
Obviously today I am reflective. I am grateful for how things are today. As imperfect as they are, my life is good. Of course there is always room for self-improvement and even some material things, but my life doesn’t nor has it revolved around such. I say I don’t measure success in material form, but if I didn’t, would I want more? Is it wrong to want more?
So now I shall go put the freshly washed sheets on my bed. I will put on my 2.5 reading glasses, settle into a good book, which surprisingly to me is the Bible. I have tried over the years to do just so, but could not understand or interpret it and now it suddenly makes sense. I will plaster my legs with arthritis creme, and hopefully fall asleep for a lengthy, restful period of time. Before I close my eyes for the final time, I shall thank and praise God for my life, for my family and friends, all that I have, and my health. I will ask for guidance for what I am supposed to do tomorrow, and for strength and fortitude to face something I must face tomorrow… and when and if I wake up in the morning, I will give praise for another day, another opportunity to work on my unfinished projects, plans, another opportunity to expand my horizons, to spend time with those I love, for another opportunity to see childhood toys in antique shops. I will not look down on an 8x magnifying mirror tomorrow, I will however honor the skin that shows aging and give thanks for the anti aging creme that I love and sell. I will honor my aches and pains, put a smile on my face, walk through the challenges with my head held high with the grace of an aging woman, not the emotions of a child…and I shall make the most of this day. Have a great day!

Daring to dream…


I realized something today that was probably obvious to everyone else. I can’t make, nor do I ever want that control or power over another, I can’t make them see the vision I see, or want the journey.

I want good for all of us, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m not afraid to grab onto hope. I know my dreams are achievable, not without hard work and devotion, and while I want my favorite people on this journey with me, no doubt I will meet new people, new friends who see what I see, who will walk this with me. Perhaps others will join in later, perhaps not. We are all at different places in our lives, we are where we are supposed to be. Everyone’s paths, purposes, desires are different, just as they are supposed to be.

Hope is a funny thing. If you’ve been dropped to your knees in pain, disappointment, if you’ve experienced loss on a magnitude basis, if you’ve known sadness and had to fight your way back, hope can be scary. Hope can be debilitating. Why? Because fear takes over, fear of grabbing onto it, riding it, and then losing that, too. Oh how many of us live “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. But today? Today I see it differently. I see all the tragedy that has happened in my life, the loss, the pain as a driving force pushing me towards my dreams. The more I’m told it can’t be done, the stronger I feel it is. Stubborn? Yeah, but I’m also an intelligent woman who has walked through much in my life, and yet, I’m still standing. I’m not only standing, I’m chasing my dreams and dreaming larger than ever.

I’ve been going about my new business so wrong. I’ve wanted my loved ones to join me because I wanted to do this together, but today I get it. This is not for everybody. I’m so glad that it is for me.

I’ve accomplished what I set out to accomplish in my arts career. I am proud of that. It meant and means all the more that I did it on my own. And my new endeavor will mean all the more because I am doing this, too, on my own. I need and want to give credit to my mother, my friends who helped me get established. Friends who encouraged me when the road got rocky and the electricity was always in disconnect. Truth is, it’s not that much different right now, but my attitude is, and my perspective is. My life is brilliant. All I need to do is be me and committed to being the best me! The rest will fall into place…people, places, things. I am aligning with my life.

I’ve fallen into the next phase of my life. I’m daring to hope, I’m making new friends, getting reacquainted with old, and excited about my future, about my now! I prayed today for something I’ve never prayed for before. Always a believer to pray only for God’s will for me and the courage, strength to carry that through. I prayed that I be blessed with life until I reach my dreams. I have some mighty tall things planned! I smile. I am also well aware that if this is God’s plan, it will come to fruition. Thing is…. it already has. I love the space I am in emotionally, spiritually, and I’m working hard every day to get my physical back to the place I feel best about myself. I want to know what it feels like to have balance between all three for the rest of my life. I am throwing out fear and replacing it with faith.

I am grateful for where I am. I am grateful for where I have been, and every tear shed as it’s helped mold me into who I am today and will undoubtedly help me in all aspects of my tomorrows, that is, if I am blessed with them. I am grateful for where I see myself going, and I am grateful once again for hope. I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Yes, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I am also dead tired, so I shall now say goodnight! Good things planned tomorrow! Sweet sheeps my friends, sweet sheeps. As you rise and shine tomorrow, I hope you are able to greet the day with a smile on your face, gratitude in your heart and hope for today. I hope you, too, find yourself chasing your dreams! xoxo

Building a foundation


November came rolling in with the speed of lightning.  Where oh where did this year go?  It’s already November!  The time where I start reviewing my year, my accomplishments, my experiences, and start thinking about what I want to do NEXT year.    Good god I can’t believe how quickly life seems to be flying by.

With decisions to make, I took a breather from it today and rested.   Do you feel guilty when you rest?  I do, I feel like I have to be accomplishing something though my intellect knows, that isn’t the case.

Feeling fairly insecure these days.    Time to pull my act together and figure out what’s shaking.

Here is todays thought…. I am building a house.  All start from bottom.    If I put in a cheesy foundation, no matter what I build on top of it is at risk of falling.  But I am excited!  I want to build that patio off my bedroom, add a loft, beautiful windows towards the top.   In my excitement I jump ahead, I start working on the things that I am excited about.   Then, something happens, and I am brought back to ground level, to the cheesy foundation I built on.   Here’s the good thing.  It isn’t a loss, it just needs to be reinforced, it needs honing, attention, strengthening.   Then I can build onto it, 10 flights high if I want, all with patios, solariums, anything I can dream.   I will remind myself of this when I feel myself stepping backwards.  If it’s one of two steps, is that a bad thing, really?  I don’t think so.  I think it’s stepping back, reassessing, strengthening my foundation.  If I fly 10-12 steps backwards, then I need to concern myself, but not with one or two.  Sometimes it takes just that to get our bearings, perhaps a new view of it all.   Sometimes when I step back I can see that clearly the basis on which I built my life was and is healthy, other times there are things that I need to work on.  Nothing is a total loss, nothing is a total failure.  Even with failure I remind myself, can you call anything a failure that you work hard on?  That you take a risk at?  That you try for?  Failure, to me, is not trying, living in the fear, the what if’s.  

Soon I will be taking another leap into the unknown, unknown even to me at the moment.   I am fighting it, my hands clenched onto my yesterdays or onto things that are comfortable, familiar, things that I love, but I know that God doesn’t shut a door without opening a window… I know that if I stop resisting whatever it is I am resisting my life will go smoother, my soul will be settled instead of searching…  I am right where I am supposed to be.   I am right where I am supposed to be.

So, I’m thinking of reinforcing the wooden, pretty foundation with steel.  That will withstand everything!  That will keep me only moving forward, upwards…. Um, no.   First off, it would block the beauty of the wood that I so love, (it’s so easy to take what we love and lose site of it), and secondly, do I want a foundation that can never be altered?  What if I want to build a new house, start a new life…will the steel keep me trapped into my past?

Back to the wooden drawing board, but with a smile on my face.   Now I can step backwards and examine my bottom floor knowing it is built on not just wood, but the strength, the disappointments, the difficulties, the smooth times.   It is not a borrowed foundation, or a facet, but the foundation of my life that I revisit from time to time, it reminds me who I am, where I came from, what I have done… and then I can look to my future with stability.  Though ever so easy, am I looking so much into tomorrow that I am not standing in today???????   “What do I want to do, where do I want to go, now?”    We’re told hindsight is always 20/20.  Yep, it is.  So stepping back a bit is not a bad thing, but an opportunity to look at the whole picture, and hopefully, each visit, recognizing growth from the time before.  Today is all I have, what am I going to do with it?  Am I working towards a dream? Am I at minimum working in the direction I wish to go?  Am I appreciating today, the present?  My past is but a lesson, it is not a gps to my future.  I need to remind myself of this.  Yes, some things come back to haunt me, but perhaps I need to learn something else from whatever it is resurfacing?  

Throwing you a hammer, apron and nails to build your foundation on, or at minimum, revisit it! 🙂



Right where I’m supposed to be


I lost today to sleep.  Not sure why I am so tired lately, I fear what it may be, perhaps why I am too chicken to go to the doctors.  My body hurts.  My bones hurt.  Could very well be arthritis, though I have dealt with that for years and it hasn’t felt like this.    I could very well be sleeping because of the pain, it is exhausting, still, I need to find my big girl panties, get my ars into the doctors.  One things for sure, I never have to look really far to find someone way worse off than I am…. I will live. 

Years ago I remember meeting an elderly woman (These days I categorize those 120 years old as elderly J) who shared that she had “The Big C”.  It took me a few minutes to figure out what she was talking about, obviously before my family started to diminish and the diagnoses kept steadily coming.  Now, I know far more than I ever wished I knew.   I have said this before, and I may very well be repeating the same blog (forgive me if I am), I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, but I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.

I have dreams that I want to fill, actually only a couple of them.  I have questioned myself why I have not been actively pursuing them?  Do I think that I am going to get more time by putting them off?   Time waits for no one.   It will certainly not wait for me.  As Kramer used to say from Jerry Seinfeld show “Giddy up!”

I seem to have lost a decade of my life.  I look back, I was so engrossed in the sorrow, then my own health, I cannot tell you much about it other than what I worked hard daily to accept, to walk through.    Others have suggested to me that I am/was dwelling, I don’t think so.   I do think I walked through hell and back and there are days when I’ve unwittingly taken an express train back there, but I don’t live there.  My present is not my past.    I know where that decade went, I don’t know how else to explain it.  I know where I was, what I was doing, but time eluded me.  All of this was all part of my life, all constituted chapters of my story, all contributed to who I am today.   

A truth seeker, I never want to be “protected” or “lied to”.   I do not want to miss a moment of my life including, yes, my death.  I want to be aware, of course I hope it is pain free, but I want to leave this world knowing I am leaving, I want to see my life flash before my eyes as it miraculously does, and I want to feel the journey.   I like being knocked out with anesthesia.  I love counting backwards and boing…done!  Do I think I will wake up from death?  Who am I kidding?  Not on this planet, but in a realm I have felt and seen glimpses of before.

20 years ago now, when Bruce Springsteen came out with a double cd hits and dvd I went into work, excited, talking about it with coworkers, they of course younger and one said to me “Yeah, my mom is excited about it too!”  And so began my awareness of aging!   Lately seeing things on facebook “Remember these?” things out of my childhood and some?  Some out of my teens and twenties, now antiques!    Yikes….

When I look back at my life it feels I have lived many lives in this one body.   I need to stop looking back and chastising myself for the things, decisions I would do differently today.   I think back and see the growth in myself and I sometimes cannot relate to that person I was then… all I have to say to that is “Thank God!”

Time waits for nobody.  I am only fooling myself if I keep putting off what I want to get done.  Perhaps there will be no tomorrow here, will I regret, too, those things that I wanted to do but didn’t pursue?  

I am now past an antique (50 years and older).  I would not want to go back unless I could go with the knowledge that I have now.  A life not well lived?  Quite the contrary.  I think I have lived well, wealthy in terms of fulfillment, I have taken chances, I have pursued a career I wanted, have succeeded at what I set out to do, I have loved, I have lost, I have cried and I have danced.   I have spent time alone with myself, I have spent time with loved ones and even some that I despised.  I have been happy, I have been sad, I have stepped forward and back.  I have found out through serious illness not only what I am made of, but who I am and today?  Today?  Today I like who I am.  There are things about me I should again, work on improving, things that I do not like about myself, but they are few and far between.   I am on the right track, I am again finding peace, acceptance with some harsh realities.  No, No I wouldn’t want to go back.  Perhaps because I am tired, perhaps because I don’t feel well,perhaps because I feel I have lived an honest life, perhaps because I know, I know who I am, perhaps that in itself is my purpose?… I am right where I am supposed to be.

I am right where I’m supposed to be.

So now I will return to the warmth of my bed, thank God that I was able to take care of myself today by resting, and I shall accept that I am a human being, not a human doing… I am right where I’m supposed to be………

Princess Donna….


What constitutes a good life?    How do you define living “The good life?”   Somewhere over the past few days I  heard a woman say that when she was in high school she knew she wanted the finer things in life, the big houses, the expensive cars, the big brass ring.  That really struck me and got me to thinking.  Never once in high school did I think about that, never once did I recognize that I had a choice.  I guess I thought that you work hard, do your best, and deal with the cards you are dealt.  I am still thinking about this days later.   Insecurities creep up now as I think of the lack of direction I had then.  I am assuming that others knew what they wanted in life as a teenager as well.  More than anything I wanted to “fit”.  I wanted to have a family of my own, a husband, children…the house, the belongings were never important to me.  Looking back, the goal of having a family wasn’t a bad thing, but if I had it to do all over again I would have established a career, ascertained that I could make it on my own (and well), and THEN I would have sought out the relationship, the family, etc.  I was raised to believe that I would be taken care of by a husband, that education was not important for girls. (Yes, I’m THAT old.. the dark ages)  In years of late my parents have since apologized for this.    At any rate, I have never been taken care of, nor did I acquire or have the family I so longed for.   Oh well, life goes on.

Always wanting to help others, I like to make others laugh, or smile.  I found myself wrapped up in “fixing” others that I realize today, I could not fix, nor could they fix me.   So while others were building lives, families, homes, careers, inheritances, I was scurrying about, acting as if I knew what I was doing, but I did not.  I was married for almost a decade.  When that relationship ended I was devastated.  My world was turned upside down.  Fear filled that my life was over at 30, I later learned, it had just begun.  It’s funny how time can change your perspective.  Something that hurt you so deeply then, becomes a gift later.  What disappeared with that marriage and has never returned was a false sense of security.   I thought I was part of something sacred, that I had found a home and place where I was safe, secure, sound.     I don’t know how else to describe it.    An innocence was stripped from me when this marriage failed.  I painfully learned that no relationships are exempt from failure, but it takes two, and also that security is and was a false sense of illusion. 

There is a line in a Bob Seger song “Wish I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then”.http://youtube.com/watch?v=PmrkY-EZy74….but life goes on, we learn, we live, we grow.  I learned and loved tremendously from the next long term relationship I was in.   Having already learned to look for security within from the end of my marriage, this ending brought different pain, thus growth and insight.  There are so many ways in which we lose people we love.  Try as we might, we can love a person, but we cannot fix them, nor can we save them from themselves.  The complexity of all that was involved with this relationship will forever haunt me.  Alcoholism- cunning, baffling.    Yet still, I learn, I grow.

So today, as I shovel my own walkways, pay my own bills, do my best to maintain a 75 year old house that’s in need of much work, run a business, be a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, momma to my furries, responsible and contributing member of society, I become frustrated that my life is where it is at times.    I visit friends with nice houses (Not elaborate, but nice well kept homes), who have husbands, partners who support them in their careers, dreams, challenges.  I am happy for them.  It’s been a long time since I’ve instilled trust in someone else with my well being, other than family/friends.  After repairing cracked cement blocks, vacuuming up water in my cellar, chiseling ice, checking the air in my tires, cleaning up the garbage that a local dog strewed, I soak in a hot tub, close my eyes, and pretend to be a princess, where I live in a house where all the windows open and close easily, where maintenance and work is low.  Where I can sit around, paint, design jewelry, write and pop bonbons, get pedicures, take long hot baths, have friends over for tea, and retire the 15 lb sorrels that are a mandatory part of my winter wardrobe.   Oh what would I be able to accomplish if I could create, design, teach without the weight of the world on my shoulders?  It is frustrating for me so much of the time.  When friends/family will say “You should do this, or why aren’t you doing this”.  Honestly, I love that they believe in my talents and abilities, but my time is limited because I work to pay bills first… and then my energy and motivation aren’t always on.  I know I am capable of great things, I just have to find my way around all the challenges in my life, or are the challenges in my life the very purpose or lesson in my life today?   Will this be the rest of my life?  Is this as good as it gets?   I’m sure this is no different than anyone else…   How few people really can say at the end of each day when they lay their head on their pillow “Yes, I accomplished another dream today!”  

Now I’m recalling a line from Kenny Loggins “Where’d all the dreams that we once had? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIvMs7nnEHE This is the time to bring them back?  What were the promises caught on the tips of our tongues?    Maybe tomorrow…..

Still, I am grateful for all the blessings in my life.     I believe it is in the movie “A wonderful life” when he has cursed the broken ball on the banister, but at the end when he races home, runs over to the stairs, the ball comes off into his hands, and he smiles and I think he kisses it….I am smart enough to know that every thing I shared that frustrates me is indeed a gift, if I just flip the lenses in my glasses around, open up my heart and mind to a Will that knows far more than my own Will could ever know.  Just as painful transitions from my past have proven to be gifts, I’ve no doubt that all of this is too.  I just hope it comes lined with a tiara!