I have been struggling with migraines the past month. Yesterdays was #5. Insurance paid for something that doesn’t work and makes my stomach feel like I’m ready to heave. Ice is my best friend. This is just another lovely thing I contend with, and I’m reminded that those who have never had one have no idea what its like. How fortunate they are. And you tell not one, but two people you have a migraine, and it means nothing. I would tell them to feel better, say a prayer, and leave them be. But then again, I know the pain of migraines.
I feel like I’ve been flailing my arms and talking loud to be heard, only to not be heard. I have not the energy to talk louder, those who care listen. Those who don’t, don’t.
Old family roles haunt me, and I am alone with my frustration. What happens when that one person gives up?it isn’t about one person changing, it’s about all. And worse for me, I don’t even think they understand or can comprehend the manner in which they treat me that is not acceptable. It is not okay. They’re doing what they’ve always done. I’m left with throwing my hands up in the air and saying LISTEN TO ME! To reverting back to painful pasts in which I felt violated, abused. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
I was told in a nonchalant manner the other night while visiting my dad that he has been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. My heart is broken. He is already struggling with memory, and it saddens me for what is to come. My dad is sick. My rock is shattering and the weight on my chest makes it hard to breathe. “I didn’t tell you?” What possible reason could you come up with for not telling his children that he was diagnosed with this awful disease? And someone said to me “At least it’s not cancer!”. WTF . Really?
My yard is a mess and I have yet to start cleaning it up and raking. I have disease in my hands that will prohibit me from painting, drawing, designing for weeks if not months, if I do repetitive crap like this. Not to mention the pain of prying my hands open after doing this. There is downed branches, my house from the outside looks unloved. Further complicated by living daily with four illnesses that define what I can do that day. This too goes on deaf ears. “You don’t look like you aren’t feeling good!”. Oh yes, judgement. That helps…NOT! Do you know what its like to have people not believe you have limitations? And because you don’t bitch or moan about them everyday, they’re easily “forgotten” if even believed? I can only do my best. I am feeling invisible. I don’t like feeling invisible.
Feeling defeated right now. Feeling like I want to jump off a cliff and never look back. When those who are “supposed to love you” take you for granted, use you. I am feeling unappreciated, used, and tired. The kind of tired that is only cured with Peace. Peace takes work. If I knew those I loved were feeling the way I am feeling, I would be very sad. But you can’t make deaf ears hear or blind eyes see.
Old resentments harboring anger. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Trying to set limits on what is and what is not acceptable. If only one person changes, only one person changes. What makes the others think they’re entitled to remain the same? What is that one person to do? It’s uncomfortable to look at things that you’re doing that are harming another. It’s easier to just do what you’ve always done, which today also makes me feel even more invisible. I don’t like feeling invisible.
Perhaps tomorrow will look better, brighter. Perhaps tonight I will get more than 2 hours and 38 minutes of sleep with 8 times awakened. Perhaps tomorrow I will find the energy to start working more on my own life, and letting the background disappear. Will they ever understand they are losing me? Do they care?
Having a hard time trying not to future trip. To the painful future my dad has in his view. I cannot even think about what it will be like when he doesn’t recognize me, or know what he means to me, or has hallucinations or lives in fear of the demons invading his brain. My dad is the best man I know. He has been there for me always. Always. I will never know a love again like my dads. And somehow I know, I will be holding his hand through this, just as he has done with me throughout my life. Throughout the many times I felt alone while with my tribe.
Practicing gratitude ain’t working today. But I’ll keep trying. Perhaps tomorrow will be better???