A fire, a reading, and breathing…

Driving up in the hills of Vermont today to a friends house to get a psychic reading I found myself smiling and chillin with Dylan.  I LOVE the mountains, I LOVE driving on back dirt roads where you see large old farm houses and open land, as  for me my spirit within soars.

I haven’t had a reading in years, probably 4.  It’s something that I just do not do anymore.  Anytime I have had a reading the psychic has said to me “There isn’t much I can tell you that you do not already know yourself”… they pick up on my strong intuitive side or the sixth sense that I do not advertise nor hone.

Today I was the third person to get a reading and I was extremely nervous.  I have never been nervous at a reading.  I was anxious, extremely anxious to the point where I had thought, perhaps I should not do this.  Yet the minute I sat down and told her I was nervous, and recalled the last reading she did for me, I calmed down and thought, okay, this is going to be okay.   Perhaps I was afraid that she would tell me my cancer was going to come back?   Perhaps I was going to hear that someone else I love is going to die?  Nah…. this woman doesn’t do that, not really.  She reads from the cards that you shuffle and pull out of the deck, and interestingly enough, they always seem to be so on target.  I do not go there to find out about what tomorrow will bring, I go there to see if she’ll share the winning megabucks numbers! ha!  I go there because this woman has unbelievable healing energy, and I really liked that about her last time.  She shared with me some insight that really helped me with some decision making I had to make.  We aren’t talking Do this or Do that… it is her energy, it is that I feel like I have met her somewhere before, and I feel safe with her, as if she is a guide.  Now, if she told me to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge I would not do so… I am talking on a spiritual level.

She told me my cards were very interesting and she smiled at them.  The Empress, and another that were very feminine and prosperous.   She again and also shared with me how intuitive I am, and that I am spiritually wealthy, extremely wealthy.   I also had the luckiest card in the deck…. Does that mean I am going to get lucky??? hmmmm.   She pointed to three cards placed together and spoke of poverty and I laughed…. oh yah, that’s me… but isn’t that true for most artists?  But the key here being… “you have given into it Donna, you are not practicing or seeking abundance, only in spirituality”.    Well that explains why I am spiritually wealthy, eh? lol  Also within these three  cards were loneliness and isolation.  Not allowing other people into my heart, or my life, particularly men.  The tears started to fall.   I have known true and passionate love.  I miss that.   I have been very lonely, but I am not willing to settle for mediocre.  I dabbled in that for a few months last year and I also paid a severe price for it.   Sadly I thought that it was my “last chance” at love.  Now I shiver when I think of that.   Everything we do, all the choices we make come with consequences both good and bad… but I believe they all come with lessons if we choose to look at them.   I know loneliness and I also know what it feels like to be lonely in a relationship… my choice over the two would be the first. 

I was pleased with my reading which ended with some Reiki at the end.  We discussed areas of potential growth, ways in which I could start to draw abundance on more levels.  We discussed the importance of breathing lol!  When I am upset I forget to breathe, I hold my breath… this is NOT a good thing.   She told me the importance of loving my chest, my new breasts, of accepting myself as I am, as I had told her of my cancer.  I believe that was why she did Reiki on me, and I was grateful.   I walked away feeling validated with the work I am doing on myself, the direction in which I am headed and the areas in which I believed I needed work in.  Of most importance to me was to ask about those whom I have loved and have passed on, and I was not disappointed in what I heard there either.

It was a nice afternoon deep out in the woods of Vermont, reminiscent of a picnic I had a few weeks ago that really made me smile.  It’s nice to smile, it’s nice to open up and allow people in, it’s nice not to isolate so much from others and to have lunch with a group of women that I really adore.   After all, I did draw the Empress card! lol  I need to allow more laughter into my life, more silliness, comedy, and just stay in today…. it is when I am happiest!

Bed bugs…

Mars…Venus rhymes with……… (rolling eyes).  Lets talk about sex, shall we?

Why is it so different between men and women?  Or is it?  Why of course it is!  Men have that GPS system hanging between their legs.  You know…that thing that automatically guides them to “warmer places”…. while most women are not lead by their crotches but by their emotions.   This does NOT mean we are not sexual beings however!   I realize that everyone is different.  Some men/women are more sexual than others, some libidos are stronger than others, and hell, some are better in bed than others! lol  I do not think that sex makes a relationship… but I DO believe it is an important and wonderful part of a healthy relationship.    Can we survive without sex?  Hell yes…   But the question is why would we want to???

I think men can do “it” with just about anyone.  I suppose I could too if I had four or five glasses of wine under my belt lol.   That would perhaps quiet my mothers guilt ridden voices of yesteryear “Why would they buy the cow if they could get the milk for free?” … Did YOUR mother say that to you?  My mother adamantly denies ever saying that.   What I heard was, if you have sex with the guy,  he will never be serious about you….  At 48, and having been single for a while, I MISS sex… I am not promiscuous.  For me to hop into the sack with someone it requires more than just a physical attraction.  I have to feel connected.  First of all, I am not attracted to unintelligent men.  I AM however attracted to charming men, which is not necessarily a good thing.  Charming can be intoxicating, seducing, desirable, but is that genuine, authentic throughout?   What about if you are dating several men at the same time….  gasp…. It’s hard enough for me to talk to different men and date different men at the same time… but sleep with them??????   Holy shit…..  Harlot!   Hussy!  Tramp! lol  Now, if a guy does it…. he’s just being a guy.  If a woman does it, ghastly!  I just know I would call out the wrong name in the middle of a hot steamy scene…. Perhaps that is why guys call women pet names?????  They are safe from doing that? lol.  

I guess what it boils down to is… what are you looking for?  Are you looking for a meaningful relationship?  Or are you looking to have a night of sex? romance? a good time?   What is the other person looking for?  Are you on the same planet?  Well HELL NO you aren’t, if you are heterosexual!  roflmao  Mars…. Venus… remember????   Are you at least on the same wave length?

I am not a conventional person in terms of the manner in which I live.  I am and have been single a long time, I appreciate my space, I have no children, I am self employed, travel much… but the truth is, I would love to find someone to have a meaningful relationship with.  Do I want dull? boring?  NO!  Please do not think that I am calling marriage or everyday life boring.  Love in itself is exciting and after losing people I have loved and lost I have learned that it is really easy to take others for granted.   Quite honestly, I’ve never been with a man who has said our life together was boring, anything but… but I do long to be with one man, someone who adores me, and reverse.  Someone whom I can reach out my hand and know, his is there… someone I can have wild passionate sex with and know I am safe from stds, aids, and all the other shit that can be transmitted from person to person……  Someone who is willing to share his life, his hobbies, and be open and willing to do the same with mine, to share his family….children and grandchildren with me… someone who is willing to “go the distance”… as heard in the movie “Field of Dreams” and have it returned back ten fold.  I am not looking for a conventional relationship… I am not conventional.  I am looking for an extraordinary relationship….  Yet at the same time I FEAR this.  I fear that I will be taken for granted, that all that is exciting when you first meet someone, the simple pleasures of holding hands, long passionate kisses, the great sex, the gifts, the little things that are done that make you feel so appreciated…. will disappear into the woodwork or into the stresses of everyday life.  I want to add to the sparkle in someones eye, the bounce in their step, and be the teepee in their pants when they think of me or see me….  Is that a bad thing? lol    No, it isn’t… and this is really what I have always wanted… but what has changed is, I have upped the ante for myself.    I’m not talking about an ordinary man.  I’m not talking about someone who just talks the talk… I’m talking about someone who grabs my heart, my ass AND knocks me off kilter.  I want the WHOLE package…. but will I allow it in my life?  Will I open my heart again to this? 

There are many characteristics that turn me on to a man.  I love a watch on a guys arm, but it can’t be a wimpy watch…. I love a man to take charge, but not in a chauvenistic manner, I love a man who has self confidence and who looks you in the eyes and listens to you… and I love a man who is devoted to his family.   What I am not attracted to?  Tattoos (Especially if they are not spelled correctly), scruffiness, beer bellies, chauvenists, men who look only at womens cleavage, self centered ego maniacs, a guy who cannot carry on an intelligent conversation,  I could go on and on but I will stop…. OH and one more…. enough chains around his neck to pull a school bus out of a 10′ snow bank.

It’s so ridiculous to me.  The Mars and Venus crap… and yet… it is within the scope of these planets that I am to find my mate.  UGH!   I just know that between the sheets I’ll find frigan bed bugs!

A handsome guy, a picnic… and a smile

Dating in your late 40’s can be interesting, not to mention 2010.  I have had some experiences that would curl your hair and may in fact make you look at your husband/partner as King! ha.

Last weekend, however I had a wonderful experience.  I had a date with this very handsome man who romantically took me on a picnic.  He not only planned the whole thing but scoped out the perfect place for such.  He brought blankets, delicious healthy food, wine, and a personality that was not only delightful but also… enchanting.

We both shared on our lives, we laughed, we kissed (he passed with flying colors there)… and he genuinely seemed interested in who I am, my thoughts, my feelings, and more.  When he asked pointed questions he looked into my eyes, he did not look away, he did not prod nor push but in a very kind, gentle manner sit quietly, patiently watching me, touching me, curious about me, as I him.   This is intimacy.  This is standing naked fully clothed allowing someone to see you for who you are, allowing someone to get to know you, flaws and all.   I have struggled with this type of intimacy most of my life.  On this day I did not struggle with this.   It felt like I had always known him.  I felt safe with him.  I felt curious about him.  I wanted more.  I was able to be myself, to open up my heart, to let go of my yesterdays and tomorrows and just be one in the moment with him, and it was incredible.  I felt a connection to him, to the opposite sex that I had not felt in years.

Our picnic lasted for about five hours.  Sitting in a field overlooking some picturesque mountains and farms in Shelburne Falls, MA.  The weather worked in harmony with the orchestra…. (was there music?… smiles).  It was an absolutely wonderful and unexpected surprise.  How nice to know there are single men out there who appreciate women and know how to treat them.  How encouraging and heartwarming it is to know that romance is still a possibility in my life… how absolutely chilling it was to be touched again, to have my hair caressed, my face touched, to be kissed passionately again.

Following this, while holding hands and sucking on chocolate tootsie roll pops, we took a beautiful walk in the woods to a wildlife sanctuary where all  you could hear were the sounds of the birds, the pitter patter of our feet, and an occasional squirrel or chipmunk rummaging in fallen leaves.

If this sounds too good to be true, it was!   This guy HAS to be a crossdresser or something! smiles.  At any rate, I wanted to share that chivalry IS alive and well… the lingering smile on my face is proof!

match dot com anyone?

Wed March 17th,

I’ve been cramming to get 7 or 8 new designs out for JBWood’s Festival this weekend, popping airborne which has surprisingly warned off whatever this bug is that what’s “in”… until today.   Aches and pains, exhaustion have hit.. but still… the festival will happen, and I have bills to pay! 🙂 So I’m going to take everything slowly today, work for an hour or two and then rest… okay, so I probably won’t sleep, I’ll watch the taped episodes of “House” that I haven’t gotten to yet!

This morning while outside throwing the frisbee for my boy there was something different outside than has been the past few weeks.  I sat down on the steps, closed my eyes to see if I could determine what it was…. BIRDS singing! smiles.  It only took about 10 seconds with my eyes closed to figure that one out!  Hey, don’t I feel good about myself today! ha.  The distinctive sound of a male cardinal flowed into my ears like the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard.  I instantly opened my eyes to see where he was.  I spotted him, so bright, beautiful, and proudly perched on a branch most probably singing lovesongs in bird language for his mate!  Nature is so beautiful at times…

For days now I’ve been seeing Canada Geese flying North.  They sure are noisy!   But I actually love to hear them.  You know how they fly in a “v” and one line is longer than the other?? Do you know why that is?????   Because there are more geese in that line! 🙂 ha.   I always wave to them and welcome them back….  My dog looks at me, as if I’ve lost my mind, and gets annoyed that I’ve diverted my attention to something OTHER than him!

I do have a couple funny observations from spending a half an hour on Match.com last night.  First, I am not actively looking for a relationship.  Who has the energy?  And being in the middle of breast reconstruction with another 6-7 months to go… it’s just nothing that I’m interested in.  So why go there?  Why look?  I find it very entertaining, and I like to see if I know anyone in my area.

So… from someone who has had to end a relationship with the love of my life due to alcoholism, I pay particular attention to how they answer “drink?”.  98% of guys answer “social drinker”.  I have become a cynic here….  I am a social drinker.  I drink probably 6-8 drinks a year!  Match.com could you please expound this category further?  How many drinks a day? a week? a month?  Have you ever had dui’s?  Has anyone suggested you have a drinking problem?  Do you remember what you did last night? lol.  But to my delight because it instilled a major belly roll with me… Two guys answered “regularly”.  THANK YOU !  Thank you for being honest!  I did find this very humorous.    Many have pictures with a beer of drink in their hand…. now yes… it could be one of 6 or 7 drinks for the year….. very true…. lol….rolling my eyes.

And then there are the pictures where you KNOW they have cut their ex out of the picture and uploaded the portion with their pic.  This makes me laugh too.  How do I know this?  You ask?  Am I being cynical again?  Well, in some of these you can actually SEE the arms or hand of a woman on them! TOOO funny.  You mean you couldn’t have a new picture taken?  You really liked this picture that much?

Oh Oh, and then there is the “about my date”…. Some specify eye color, body shape, income ranges, religions, etc. etc.  Why not find a scientist to create the perfect woman for you?  I’m chuckling remembering the movie “weird science” where two teenage guys had bras on their heads and created a beautiful woman….  I say go for it! lol.    Then there is the  guy whose belly sticks out a foot past their belts and there only requirement for “their date” is that they be physically fit and slender.  Shaking my head.  How about a category for cup size?  Foobs?  (for those of you who do not know yet, fake boobs are called foobs!)   And… shoe size????? glove size?  How long are your ears?

Okay… now understandably it is hard to describe yourself… For some of us, anyway!  lol.  For instance, you get to choose, Slender, Atheletic/Fit, Average, A few extra pounds, curvy, big and beautiful……  Hmmm….. Where would I classify myself?  Can’t you be average and beautiful?  Or slender and beautiful?  (Not that that is me, lol just saying).  I didn’t notice a category for ugly!  If someone checked that off, that would be a pretty good indication of their self esteem, eh? (spoken like my Canadian friends… eh?).

It really is interesting and something humorous to study.  Sometimes you would bet a lot of money by guessing what their ex’s didn’t fulfil in them, based on what they say they are looking for…  “someone who is not jealous, as I’m a really friendly fun guy”… Hmmmm… how friendly? grins

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, and judging.  I suppose I am judging others, and that isn’t my intention.  I really do find great humor in it all.  I will argue that I’m not judging but “assessing” … That’s pretty good, eh? lol

Going back to my jetsons machine now.  Gonna put on a good face for myself for the day…and be grateful for where I am in my life…..  and stick to painting!