What is intended to be a lamb is looking like a white gorilla…What was supposed to be a subtle border of greens turned into a jungle of pines, distracting from the focal point. What is supposed to be an old car looks like I was drunk when I painted it.
Okay, so, I’m not painting well right now. What to do? The other night I came close to throwing the surface I was painting on across the room! I was getting so frustrated, singing like a sailor, not wanting to give it up, though finally made the right decision…walk away, just walk away!
Creativity is such a gift, yes. It’s nice to have talent to fall back on. From a young age I knew I wanted to “be an artist, a writer”… well, I’m both. Can’t pay all my bills every month, but hey, I’m using my God given talents right? I chuckle to myself when I’m told “You’re so lucky, you work for yourself, you are so creative”. Yah, well, it doesn’t come without a price, believe me!
To be happy, content, I need to be creating. Really doesn’t matter what medium, but I have to be using that part of my brain or I become severely depressed. I have been thinking lately of Ernest Hemingway. How he took his own life after his inability to write, to produce. I’m sure alcohol played a part in it, too, but nonetheless sad.
“Oh I envy you, you can take off anytime you want”. Yes, I can, and I get to choose which 12 hours of the day I wish to work! Deadlines are humorous to me now. Really? You want me to get this painting done and out to you by tomorrow? Well, lets see if source is working with me today because if it ain’t? It ain’t happening!
Oh the days and nights where the paint flows from the brush and lays perfectly on my surface. Or when stories unfold, words are on the tips of my fingers just waiting to be placed on a keyboard, yah, those are wonderful times. Typically evidence of a creative sreak leaves my home an utter mess. Dishes piled up, the rugs and floors needing to be vacuumed, fast or frozen food dinners…Validated by the dark bags under my eyes that any airline would charge me extra baggage for. Oh, the creative streak, yes, it’s wonderful when it happens, I cannot stay up long enough, I cannot paint fast enough, or write/type quick enough.
Once upon a time I would find myself in this not so nice circle. “I can do this, or this or this or this” and sadly would end up doing nothing because my head was spinning so much I couldn’t focus on one thing. Yep, that’s one of the drawbacks I have found of being a creative soul. My hands couldn’t keep up with my thoughts. Though I must say, since prescribed ADHD meds, its been going better! (Very big grin).
Did you hear about the guy who had never seen a flying saucer until he goosed a waitress? Well, Santa Claus’ may be flying in my studio tonight. What is in my head is not being successfully produced with my hand. How frustrating! So I try to find humor in it. For example, most of my earlier “noses” on Santa’s, people looked like male genitalia. I remember having painted a Santa on an old ironing board. When students walked in and saw it they all asked who the model was! Oh yah, those were the days! Makes me want to track down all of those earlier pieces and burn them!
But I digress. My favorite thing to do is to make something out of nothing. Yep! Give me a blank canvas, a bolt of material, a tray full of beads, hodgepodge pieces of old furniture and I will put together a masterpiece. It is in this mode that I am happiest. I have learned, however, that “making something out of nothing” doesn’t work well in relationships. Done with that one!
Last night I forced myself to go to bed early. My creative time is 10pm-3am. Dr. after Dr. (both physical and mental) want me to try to get on a regular schedule. I have tried to do so over the years but I always end up back to this shift. I love creating in the early morning, the quiet. There are no phones ringing, cars driving by, no distractions unless I know I have something sweets in the house. I finally said “screw it” a few weeks ago and started back on what I believe to be my internal clock…. Going to bed at 3, 4, 5am, another hour listening to the same reruns so that I am able to unwind, rid my mind of all racing thoughts because its when I’m most tired that I feel most creative. Go figure!
Then there is purchasing things. I would like to go buy something and NOT have to alter it. Curtains, I have given up buying them unless they are so ridiculously priced I can use them as fabric. Clothes, not so much, but I have sketchbooks full of clothing designs I haven’t found time to conquer yet. I’ve dabbled, designed in crochet, a couple dozen sweater designs, etc., but its not the same as fabric. I can get lost in a fabric store. I will forget where I am, or not hear others talking to me, that is how deeply I can focus. But don’t ask me to focus on a budget, balancing my checkbook or anything left brained. Not a pretty sight. One time I missed my connection to TX because I was trying to figure out my ipod. Again, left brained things do not come easily to me, in fact I am electronically challenged.
So yah…I’m fortunate, I have talent to fall back on. I am pleased with this for the most part. But like everything, it has its con side. Creative people need to create. If that isn’t possible, if that isn’t working the psyche takes a major beating and things just ain’t pretty!
Now I’m off to try to make a lamb out of a white gorilla! 🙂