Tag Archives: commitment

Resistence

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I remember a couple of years ago I saw a famous self improvement guru talking on resistance.   His basic message was, the more you resist something, the more important it is that you fight the resistance and DO whatever it is that has created this unsettling, displaced feeling.  Well, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, making some choices, which I am recognizing, for me, it’s harder to have choices than to just trudge along the beaten road you “think” you’re destined to.

I also struggle with commitment, certainly when it comes to relationships, hence why I’ve been single for over a decade.   If I stay away from intimate relationships, I’m safe!  But we all know the truth in that, don’t we?  Love is one of the most beautiful things we are blessed with.  Committing to someone you love, and they you, is pretty special BUT NOT EASY stuff!

So I have been slowly, actively studying my likes, my dislikes, my desires, needs, and am sitting on an opportunity to make major changes in my life.   I believe this.   So as exciting as it can be, it is also frightening to me.   And believe me, when you struggle with anxiety and all that wonderful stuff, it’s VERY REAL to the person going through it.  It can become VERY REAL to those who are close to them, because, well, I call them “demons”.   The demons are real to me.

I have been focusing on that guru’s message, because one thing that I am considering changing is something that in past I HAVE LOVED.   Trying to come out of a severe clinical depression (I wish that were the case for all.  I wish we could just come out of it, and leave it behind, shed it like a snake does skin, but it doesn’t work that way, does it?)  In the hardest times of this I lost a couple friends, and while it hurt, I realize, they haven’t a clue what I live with day in, day out.   The sometimes constant need to correct the thoughts that automatically spew from my brain, it can be exhausting.  But I’m doing it.  And I’m doing as well as I think I can.  Not without some unhealthy coping skills.

Anyway, I want to go back to this resistance I’m feeling about this one thing I’ve had in my life, 1/3 of my life, and have enjoyed, loved.  It would be very easy for me to say “I don’t want to do this anymore”, and chalk the negative feelings I’m having onto that, but I know myself, and I know deep down, it’s not that simple.  I am resisting it because it’s important, albeit, very important to me.

So I’ve been doing the usual things that I know to do, mostly prayer, meditation, seeking help with an answer.  Tonight an unexpected message actually helped me see how much I am truly pushing this away.   If I am being true to myself, and 4-5 years ago I committed to being true to myself, first, then I need to either dissect my reasoning, or even harder, jump in, get my feet wet, and defeat these restricting feelings, fears.

So I decided to write about it, to put it “out there” for myself to look at.  I do this with my artwork too.  I will take a picture and study it on my computer or telephone screen.  This way I am detached from it, and can see where my painting needs honing, correcting.   Whatever works, right?

So, how about you?  Is there something you are resisting?  Something that is important to you but your inner demons have got a grip on your decision making?

 

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For the times, they are a changin…..-Dylan

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Last week my 12 (she keeps reminding me… soon to be 13) spent the week with me.   She starts school next week.  It is the longest time we’ve ever spent together, and THE BEST TIME I’ve ever had with her.   I feel so grateful for the week.     She is a very special girl.  Very smart, very talented (she loves to paint) and the music videos she creates has me in awe.  Creativity doesn’t lack in this soul!

I dropped her off at her dad’s Friday, and as I drove home Friday night, windows down, older music on the stereo, my thoughts were so filled with love, with desire to spend more time with her.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t have much time to myself.   That isn’t the way it is now, much to my own making.   I have spent, and do spend A LOT of time on my own.  I keep busy, I own a house which I’m renovating on my own (now that the major work has been done by contractors), and I have a business that I need to dive back into.

As the wind blew my hair around, and kissed my skin, I thought about the news of the week.  The flooding in Louisiana, the fires in California, and all the political bullshit that makes its way to my computer screen.   My mind drifted to the Zika virus, as I waited while a pregnant woman walked across the road to a restaurant.  ENOUGH, I said.  ENOUGH!    I can’t take anymore news right now, I don’t want to see anymore election crap, I don’t want to worry about tomorrow, I just want to feel this beautiful place I’ve been over the past week.  A purpose beyond survival.

I feel change coming within me.  I have felt it for a while now.   I no longer want to spend all my time to myself.  I want to look into someone’s eyes and celebrate them, us.  I want to share my life with someone who appreciates and respects mine.

Thoughts drifted to relationships of past.   Each one had their own beauty, a couple when they ended!  🙂   I’ve been single for over a decade.  I’ve dated, but the guys I’ve dated were not even close to who I would spend my life with.  I think today, overweight, covered in painting clothes, I’m the best person I’ve ever been.  A very dear friend of mine, whom I trust with my soul said to me from Australia “Do you know how long I’ve been hearing you say, you aren’t ready?”   She wasn’t criticizing, she was sharing her feelings and it reminded me of the time another friend said to me twelve years ago “There will always be excuses to stay in a bad relationship”.    Both statements have moved me.

I’m not going to race out and join ANY online dating site.  I’m not ready.  But I’m BECOMING ready.     One thing I’ve always loved about twelve step programs is, you’re never asked to do anything without becoming willing, first.

I painted this weekend, and I finally finished a painting that I feared, I could not.   My hands are riddled with pain, but this weekend I had a break from that.  The brush didn’t exactly flow as I wanted it to, but what was different was the way I treated myself when this happened.   Easy does it.  Pick it up, try again.   I don’t know if any other artists struggle with fear of losing the ability to create.   This weekend my inhibitions took a hike, and my weekend was filled with love, memories of a great week spent with my niece, and a painting that assures me, I can still paint.  It feels nice to breathe, to not recirculate within myself negativity.

I’m taking a break from the news, while I don’t want to be ignorant of what is going on in the world, I need to breathe, to feel this happiness, this peace.   I will continue prayers for the world, and for so many friends and family members who need them.  But right now?  I’m going to stay where I am.    It’s a really nice place to be.

My busy time will soon be upon me.   This year I’m starting extra early for me.   I want to enjoy my life, not race through it going mach 80 with my hair on fire!  I am going to start an art blog, and probably, hopefully, start working on the book I have known I was supposed to write for three decades now.   Not sure what that means for this blog.   But that’s okay.  I don’t need to know!

Peace to you, and to world.

The can of commitment

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Today’s lesson:  Find a better place for the bag of dog food!

Today’s gratitude:   A wonderful, peaceful, restful night of sleep.

Ahhh, a fairly uneventful evening/morning which granted me the gift of rem sleep.   The longing for a warm loving body touching mine has now been filled with this german shepherd!   She is cuddly and is rather generous when it comes to space, unlike Brody who would growl if I tried to move him.   40937_1615461026058_1446443_nWhat a grumpy old dog he was but oh how I loved him.  He carried this stick back from a 20 minute hike.  He was so proud of himself and it.  I still have that stick, it rests against the back of my house.  I am planning on doing something with it, I just haven’t decided what.   A stake for flowers?  The answer will come eventually.  Each time I look at that stick I think of him and smile.  Our hike that day was short, but the memory will long stay with me.

I have been thinking about Sophie, will I will keep her?   This is a 14-15 year commitment and I’m not really good at commitments, though I know, without doubt, if I take this on I will stand by my choice.   I will have her (god willing) when I’m in my 60’s but by then she, too, will be slowing down.   I heard the other day that the 40’s are the new 30’s, 50’s are the new 40’s…..I think that is true.  I hardly feel like I’m in my 50’s and I don’t mind with the exception of my parents aging.  The thought of losing them is unbearable.

I have decided to enroll her in an obedience class.  Even if I place her elsewhere, this will be a positive thing.   This will also force me out of my womb,(abode) back socializing with people.   Someone called me a hermit the other day.   I don’t think I am that bad though I must admit, I find solace in single small digits.  I so like my solitude.  The extrovert scale has clearly slid over to introvert.  Whether this be a natural change with maturity, or my isolation from depression, I don’t know and it doesn’t matter.  What is, is.  The number 2 works perfectly for me…and no, I’m not talking about kid’s #2!

I’ve been thinking about hiking again, how nice it would be if I keep Soph.  I always felt safe with Brody.  After he died I stopped because I am afraid to go in the woods alone, the consequence of a childhood experience.  I find great peace and enjoyment in the woods, and with this crazy shepherd I would again, feel protected.   Hiking with Lilly was more work than pleasure.   First of all, she walks behind me, I’m used to a dog running in front then looking back saying “What’s taking you so long?”

I know I am housing a dog who has incredible potential.  She has already added much spice to my life.  She surely is a great dog.  Time will tell.  Time will tell if I will commit to being the leader of her pack for the long run.

I struggle so much with commitment.  Through counseling I found out that what I thought was fear of intimacy has also proven to be fear of commitment.  The conundrum here is that I want to find a partner to spend my life with, time with…that doesn’t mean I will marry again.  I highly doubt I will, it’s not what I want.  I do want companionship, love however both my therapist and I believe in separate houses for two in a relationship.   I like that idea.  You can do things together, stay with each other when desired, but each one of us would have our own space.    Isn’t that a cool idea?  Being in a committed relationship and having your own space.

Back to committing to Sophie, it will largely depend on whether Miss Lilly Wonka will accept her.  As of today she still has not.  Her high pitched barking drives me bonkers.

Off to get the mail, walk the dogs and then come in to enjoy a cup of hot tea.    Surely hope you are having or had a great day! ♥

ps…. just back from taking the dogs for a 20 minute walk in the woods.   It was awesome!  My lungs filled with cold air, movement helped ease yesterdays fall, Sophie right in the front, 75 ft ahead, stopping frequently to do her visual blance ahead, and Lilly right behind me, right at my ankles, but she did wander on her own a bit…. which is excellent if she keeps close by!   I feel awesome!

Today’s artwork is a Hydrangea table.   Instructional pattern packet is available.

hydrangeatable