Tag Archives: christmas

Gratitude is the Attitude


With the hustle and bustle of Christmas Open House(s) and customs behind me, I sat quietly on my couch tonight watching Frasier, making myself a pair of mittens.

I am grateful for the success I have had the past month, priority being happy customers.   I delivered my last painting tonight, 2′ x 3′ daisies.  She was overtly blissful with her purchase, and the custom quote she wanted put on it.   I am smiling.   It’s really nice when others truly appreciate my art.

Yesterday my mom and I packed up what was left of mittens, and threw in a few other things, which will be given to underprivileged.    It’s my part of trying to make someone’s Christmas a bit better.

This has been a difficult year for me, but the holiday season has been delightful.   I seem to have risen up and beyond the ugly depression that sticks it’s talons into me, with the weight of the world.   It is nice to feel good.   It is nice to be peaceful, serene.  I am truly grateful.

As Christmas approaches (and my birthday just past), I always start reflecting on the year, and defining what it is I hope to achieve in the upcoming year.   This year has taught me much.   I don’t wish to repeat the difficult times, but what I do want to withhold, to keep, is the peace that I am feeling.

The older I get, the less I care about what someone thinks of me.   I have learned to only put forward what I feel I can, and I am choosing to spend my time wiser.    I haven’t the energy for another’s drama, that is, “luxury” drama.   Life dishes out enough hardship.  I will be there for those I love, and I will continue to pray for those in need.

I am particularly fortunate to have, still with me, both parents, and the two siblings remaining.  I am particularly fortunate to be writing this cancer free.   I know what it is like to make the best of difficult holidays, and I’m largely grateful that this one, for me, is quiet, without hardship.   I know that is not true for everyone.  So grateful to be spared thus far, of heartache.

I was told that Pope Francis declared “This is NOT a Merry Christmas”, speaking of course to the ills and state of the world.  But I’ve learned that in spite of all the deplorable things that are happening, it is up to me to find peace, happiness in my little corner of the world.   And this year, my little corner of the world comes with new sheets and pillows.   Sounds simple?   Indeed, it is.   And as I work to simplify my life, ridding myself of excess “things” I don’t need, letting go of pain of yesterday, I am finding myself in a much happier place.  It really is about the little things.

My life today is filled with little things.   I am grateful.



And so this is Christmas… and what have we done?


src=”https://donnascullyblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/house-015.jpg?w=225″ alt=”My favorite Santa I painted” width=”225″ height=”300″ class=”alignnone size-medium wp-image-6006″ />Darlene's last ChristmasTwas the night before christmas....Santa on old Ironing BoardMy sister Darlene.... with our nephewsSiblings. Doug, Karla & DarSense of humor still in tactJim & BrodyMy sister Karen...

Home from a gig... he's so happy to see his momma

Home from a gig… he’s so happy to see his momma

many many moons ago

many many moons ago

Jim...My sister Darlene

Another year older, and new year just begun… Hopefully next year I will learn how to arrange pictures.

Not sure whether I should be writing this blog, I suppose it will help me, and I don’t have to publish or delete it. 

Christmas, I feel so alone.  I am alone.   I was doing very well Christmas Eve, then again, after I did what minimally needed to be done I slept.  I just called my oldest friend, swore I wasn’t going to cry, but I failed.   I think I’m being a baby, and I need to pull myself together.

I have stayed away from pictures of happier Christmas’s because I have enough in my mind but I finally gave in, and I feel so much better since doing so.   I can close my eyes and vividly picture those that I have loved and lost.   I remember a time when there was someone to kiss me goodnight and hug me good morning…  I remember a time when my family would get together and we would open and share gifts.  That hasn’t happened in a long time.   My father says he can’t afford it, he does do for his grandchildren and great grandchildren which is wonderful.  My mother is financially challenged and hasn’t really celebrated the holidays in decades.   My brother will probably call me today and see if I want to come over, maybe not.  Christmas used to be such a fun and happy time.    Gifts are fun, don’t get me wrong, it isn’t the gifts, it’s the love, the gathering of family, the sharing of memories, the excitement of someone opening the gift you got them and they were so happy.   Of course I miss opening a present and being surprised and happy with what someone got me and of course, I would be lying if I didn’t say… receiving.     I am alone. For those who know my history with depression, this is not a cry for help, nor is this a cry for pity….this is my thoughts, my feelings at this very moment.

I pray for others, less fortunate, and truly there are many, who are in dire straights, who are in the hospital, whose child are in Iraq, those whom have lost a loved one, particularly new, but then again, I’m not sure that really matters.   I’m crying tonight over loved ones I lost a decade ago, or 4 years ago, or this being the first Christmas in 14 years that I don’t have my Brody boy.   Perhaps crying is a good thing, perhaps in some strange sort of way, mourning and missing them makes them present.  The tears will eventually help me to sleep, and perhaps wash the face that I should take a hot wash cloth to.

Holidays alone are hard.   I didn’t expect this.  This certainly isn’t the first holiday I have been alone.   A message from my sister on her death bed, she was afraid I would end up alone, end up like my mother echo through my head, I take a deep breath and let the pain flow out through out in exhale.  My mother, she is a good person.  She is an intelligent person, she is a funny person.   When my parents divorced, which was not just between them but a third person as well which always makes things more painful, my mother hasn’t really celebrated the holidays since.  It has been 3 decades.   Christmas’s with my dad went by the wayside years ago.   The best of holidays were with my sister, my Jim.   We were “staples” in each others lives.   Not having them hurts to my core, to my core.

I know I will survive this, Lord this is nothing when I think of others who are alone for the same reason, or worse.  This is just a hard day, and it will pass, I will get beyond this and ultimately will become stronger.  What I hope I do not become is cold, or uncaring.  You know those people you meet who are just miserable?  They grunt when you talk to them, their eyes offer no spark or shine, they look off into the deep yonder and you think “What the hell happened to this person?”    Is that how my sister thought I would end up?  Is that how I am?  Good God I hope not.  I truly hope not.  

I am alone by choice.  I am alone not just because I have lost those closest to me, but because I will not open my heart to try again.  Self preservation, is that a bad thing?   If the right person were to come around I would hope I would open my heart.   I was also alone Christmas Eve because I didn’t go to either invitation I had for dinner.  I really wanted to, but with the funk I was in and the messed up sleep pattern that has presented itself in my life, I woke up just minutes before I was to meet them.    I remind myself, I am alone by choice.

If I post this blog I will feel naked, exposed.   Will I do so?   Then again I have shared so much, so many details of my life, my challenges, struggles because I want others to know who I am and what I stand or stood for in my life, and on top of that list is to help others.  If my words can help one other person going through similar, then what is happening to me is not in vain.    Perhaps someone reading this will know they are not alone in their sadness, their loneliness.    I can’t imagine any of these words encouraging or cheery, but you never know.

I wish you all a very MERRY Christmas.   May you breath in and hold deep in your heart the Christmas spirit.  May you enjoy good health, surrounded with loved ones, and for those of you alone, may you find some peace, some happiness in the memories of Christmas past.  May you know you are loved, thought of, and cared for, even if right now you don’t feel that.   This holiday will soon pass.   If your pain is immense, perhaps escaping to sleep will help ease the pain.  Wherever you are, whatever you are doing or who you are with or not, Merry Christmas.  A very merry Christmas.


Christmas’s with my nephews every year when they were little, precious precious times for me.   I rarely see them now.  Of course they are grown and have their own lives, and thankfully are healthy and doing well.

Childhood in rural New England….


Childhood in rural New England....

With the preparation for my Christmas Open House behind me, and my butt dragging today, this is about the only thing I accomplished. I saw this old sled at an antique shop… had already painted the plywood skate. I envisioned this a couple of weeks ago but haven’t had the time nor energy to do it. Today, I threw it all together and I’m happy with the outcome. Rural New England living, depicting my childhood, and what we used to do over Christmas vacation. I am too young to remember bed pans…. so don’t even go there!

Today I shuffled around…beading, crocheting…working up some children’s mittens in wool to felt, only did half of one today, my concentration level was off Lord only knows where. It was a nice relaxing day, though. Tomorrow I jump right back into busyness prepping for a teaching gig this weekend…should be fun.

I have been motivated and inspired by Dr. Wayne Dyer since my early 20’s. Have always found him amazing. Now, with little time or ability (concentration) to read, I have befriended him, Louise Hays on facebook. Their daily affirmations are sensational. These people are so advanced in the spiritual and positive vibes, words, teachings in life, I admire them deeply.
If you haven’t already done so, you may want to friend them…. the knowledge that is shared, cost free to us, is truly a gift.

I guess I won’t be watching “Criminal Minds” past 5pm. Last night I expected to crash when my head hit the pillow. Instead I kept waking myself up, thinking their was someone in my house, in my room. The scarves and robe draped over the door depicted a very tall, broad man with a cape… The reflection of the lamp kept me looking over my shoulder at a burglar with a mask on…. Oh how my imagination runs wild, particularly when I’m plum tuckered out. Finally around 6am I fell fast asleep and got a few hours sleep.

I guess I’ll go crochet for a while. I’m hoping to hit the hay early and get some quality sleep.

Hope you had a great day! ♥