Tag Archives: belief

Doing the right thing…

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Six months ago I adopted/rescued an 18 month old German Shepherd by the name of Sophie.   She is as sweet as can be, loves the other animals, great with my niece and her best friend (Age 10).   The first two months I had her a girlfriend gave me two bags of food, Royal Canin, which cost $50-$60.  I got her weight up, as you could see her ribs.   I managed to get her ears straightened out with drops, bag balm, and her fur was growing back nicely (She was missing 2/3  of her fur).    I kept her on the good food for another 2 months, but could not afford the expense this past month.   In this month she has taken a few steps back, skin wise.  I’m so upset about it.   She scratches and bites herself, I took care of this with Epsom salts, it helped the scratching.  Benadryl did nothing for this.  She has dry flaky skin and her fur is coming out by handfuls.

I have all rescue animals, 3 cats and 2 dogs.  Every single woman needs five animals, don’t you think?  NOT!   I have all I can do to feed myself let alone all the animals, but trust me, they live well.   I do take very good care of them and they are all spoiled, shocker eh?   I have been chatting with a friend who has a german shepherd, she works with gsd rescue.   The first few weeks I had her was challenging, house training her, getting her body weight up, the itching to cease.  I made it through some major hurdles with her, with the support of this friend and others.   Now I’ve come to the realization that she would be better off in a home where she will get the best medical care.  To say I’m sad is an understatement.

I have strong moments when I feel like I can do this, other times not at all.   Last week I had decided I was keeping her, would figure out a way, came home and she had peed and crapped in the house.    I actually scolded her but laughed… Oh sure… do this AFTER I decide to keep you!  That was not a deal breaker.   She has wormed her way into my heart, and my terriers heart.  While a major pain in the ass at times, now in the terrible 2’s, I feel like someone has placed a bag of cement on my chest.   I don’t want to give her up.   I just don’t.   I have to do the right thing and place her with a family that will and have the means to take care of her.   It’s the right thing to do.  So why does it feel so wrong?  The worst and most painful thing in this situation is her sadness.  Intelligent, intuitive, she senses this.   She looks at me with sad eyes, and rests now always near me.   I feel like I am abandoning her, and as a person who struggles with abandonment issues, this pains me.

All of my cats are geriatric, one failing rapidly.   It is hard watching her health fail, though she is as happy as ever, as mischievous as ever.  As long as her quality of life is there, I will do my best with her.  I do not believe in letting animals suffer.  Not at all.   This belief is the impetus in making the decision to place Sophie elsewhere.

Send me good energy, thoughts, say some prayers for me, please.  I’m going to need all to muster up the strength to do this.

 

The artist that WILL, the artist that IS!

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As I sat in the meeting today with a few hundred people listening to speakers who have and are sharing their success with this company, I thought about an interview that Bob Dylan did many moons ago with Morley Safer.     Always interested in his life, his thoughts, I remembered a line out of this interview that I’ve held close in thought.    He speaks of destiny.  Defines it as knowing something about yourself that others do not know.  The power to believe in yourself and the danger in sharing it, allowing others to squelch it.   He “knew” he was going to be a musician, a famous musician.

What do you see for yourself?  What did you dream about as a kid, as a young adult?  Do you still dare to dream?    Years of life kicking the crap out of me I had lost my dreams.   I’m not sure if I actually lost them, but I certainly buried them deep within the confines of my mind, locked, for safety.   It takes courage to dream.  It takes courage to love.  It takes courage to show up every day to life, to not only face the difficulties but also?   Also the good.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Brene Brown author of “The power of Vulnerability” shared her beliefs about using vulnerability to transform our lives!   Vulnerability is at its highest with dreams, the things we love.   The fear of achieving, losing, the fear of allowing ourselves to succeed…  I got it.    I get it.  I agree!  Check her out..she rocks!

Last weekend I was scraping ground, feeling depleted, exhausted to all that I have done and have been through in my life.   With my head in my hands, tears falling onto my lap, I knew it was time for a change.  What’s the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results!    I am an artist.   I will always be an artist.   I can work in a nursery, or in a restaurant, this doesn’t take away who I am.  If anything, it teaches me, gives me lessons, knowledge to take with me on my journey, life’s journey.

I have worked for many years in a career that I loved.   I used my God given talents and was largely rewarded by teaching others to paint,   By painting a picture that came from my mind, through my heart, out my hand onto canvas.  Wow!   I remember the first time I was introduced to decorative painting I saw what was in front of me, what others were doing and I KNEW, I KNEW I could do this!  Well, I did!   I accomplished what it was I KNEW I could do and wanted to do.   This is about me, my own life, my own visions.   Although I do not measure success in dollars, I know what it’s like to have few, and the pressures and energy it takes to live life jumping from one bill to another.    I don’t want to live the rest of my life this way.  As a cancer survivor I’ve been blessed with another chance at life.   In some ways I think it would be beneficial to all to have a diagnosis of a potentially fatal disease…. why?  Because it gifts you, well I should say, it gifted me with perspective.   No, 20 years from now it’s not going to matter that my electricity was shut off, that my bank account was belly up.    What I truly believe is how we give to and help others.    I learned at a young age that to give without strings is to receive.  The feeling that encompasses your mind, body and soul is of peace, warmth, love.  There is no greater gift we can give another than ourselves, of our time.

I’ve lived a purposeful life teaching others to paint.   To help another person get in touch with their creativity, to see the looks on their face when they finish their painting with pride… well, it’s very powerful, rewarding.   I could be in the worst funk possible, go into a room and start teaching, by the end of the class I was whistling and singing.  Seriously!  Teaching has been an experience that I never want to lose, though the subject matter may change.

I have dusted off the cobwebs and busted out of confinement my dreams of past, and dared to dream for the future.  HOPE.   What more could you possibly give another than HOPE?   What are my dreams?  Well, there are materialistic desires, though I will always be careful to not live a materialistic life.  Hey, it would be great to have a car that runs, I hear they have seat warmers and fans now!  Who knew?   It would be great to have a house that I can open the windows to fresh air.   It would be great to not have the constant worry of how to survive, financially.   This has affected me physically and also spiritually.   I have not been at my best nor can I be at my best when my mind is preoccupied with such troubles.

So last week I did something that I only told one person.   I’m not sure it was a good idea (LOL) but this stood for hope, determination.   I dusted off the cobwebs and busted out of confinement, my dreams.   I care not to share them, for the very reason Bob Dylan shared in this interview, but I will share my favorite and most meaningful dream.  I would like to teach painting to cancer victims, to their families as they sit with their loved ones while going thru the long and scary road of treatment.   I would like to give forward, what was given to me when the disease knocked on my door – an ear, a hand, a hug.  Encouragement when I felt like I could go no further.   A smile, laughter through tears which is absolutely my favorite emotion.    I will one day soon, have the time and means to jump on and ride out this dream.   It’s funny, I was reading a decade old magazine in which I was interviewed.    I knew THEN, prior to my own journey through cancer, that this was what I wanted to do.   My own journey only reinforced this vision.    I CAN do this, and I WILL do this.

I have never seen anyone who only does for themselves truly happy.   How could you be?   Until we can grasp the gift of giving, I don’t think we can achieve longevity in happiness, peacefulness.   Selfish acts will pour out gold perhaps, but will that make us happy?  I believe in karma.  I believe that what we put out comes back ten fold.   I’ve been too bogged down with fear, uncertainty, discouragement to pick myself up and jump to a new track!   Sure, material things are nice.  I’m looking forward to driving my new Lexus, it IS going to happen, I’ve made the decision.   It’s about a decision, failure is not an option.  I will not stop until I accomplish what I want to accomplish, very much like what I did in the decorative painting industry.   I wanted to teach others, I have and do.  I wanted to have my artwork in magazines, I have.  I wanted my artwork on the cover of a magazine, I have.   I wanted a website.  I had one!  Decided it wasn’t worth the work!

So, how do I get there?  Where do I sign up?  How do I start?   It all begins with renewed if not the beginning of hope.  I have grabbed onto an opportunity that I KNOW will not only get me there, but have a LOT of fun doing so!   I’m meeting fun, positive, kind people.  I’m sharing seats with others who are realizing their visions, their dreams.   Next is to believe, to envision, to send it out to the Universe or whom or whatever you believe feeds, channels you.   Before I leave this earth, I will know what it feels like to teach cancer patients to paint, to find their creativity through the tubes, the uncertainties, the difficult and reach for and paint their way through the challenges of cancer.

I know this trek will be full of ups and downs.  So has my life been!  So I might as well go through those ups and downs with others who want me to succeed, who will and are helping me to get beyond the ghosts of yesterday and move onto today.  Powerful.  Powerful.  Powerful.

I am psyched, pumped and ready to roll.   I can do this, and if you so desire?  You CAN, too!    I, we can expose our hidden dreams, and come up with a few new.  It’s time!   What have you got to lose?   For me?  A few pounds, wrinkles, age spots AND the constant worry of survival.    Stay tuned!   ♥♥♥

 

 

Yep, it’s time!

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With my head throbbing from the multitude of tears I have cried today I am hereby declaring the commitment to myself.  I am happy, I am healthy, I am financially secure, and I celebrate this journey to chase and catch my dreams and change my life!!!!!!   Failure is not an option!

 

Beyond Cancer

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I’m sitting in my oncologists office in the fast paced city of Boston.   A routine checkup, I have every 6 months.  The trip down was uneventful, unless you count construction and detours and a LOT of rain!  As I was driving down I wondered what my kid sister would say or think of how much I’ve grown.  Once petrified of driving in unknown places, you can only imagine the anxiety that would consume my thoughts when I had to drive in Boston.  Well, long gone are THOSE days!   My sister was my main encourager, my witness in life.   She was also a mighty fine driver when it came to driving me into places I dared not enter! Five years ago my fear of driving in Boston ended when I was making weekly visits for breast reconstruction.   Long gone I tell you, Long gone!     I will now share with you the “survivor skills” of driving in Boston.   First, play your favorite music and very loud!   This is calming and also means you cannot hear others honking at you!    Second, wear sunglasses!   This way they do not get eye contact with you so the majority of them will not risk getting into an accident and third?   Have a gps.  It may loop you around and around like musical chairs, but it can offer a sense of confidence.

On the elevator coming up to the 9th floor in the Yawkey Building at Massachusetts General Hospital I shared the elevator with a nice looking young man, I would guess in his 30’s.    He asked if I was having a good day.  I replied “Yes!  Today my oncologist is going to tell me I’m still cancer free!”  He smiled the widest grin and said “Alright!!!!!!!”  He opened his arms to hug me and I obliged.  “Do you believe in God?” he asked.   My reply, “I don’t walk a step without him!”.  What a nice encounter!

The sweetest woman just came over to offer me refreshments.   We had the nicest chat.   Pushing the refreshment cart around in a cancer treatment center as large as this, I’m sure she has seen much.  God bless her.   I know her sweet smile has always brought a smile to my face over the years.  I’m sure without even knowing it, she has helped many.   Her smile, her kindness makes a difference in the world!    Never underestimate the power of a smile, a friendly gesture!

My oncologist is running an hour behind, no big deal.   I said a prayer for those she is helping, and for the emergency this morning that backed up her appointments.   It could be ME in there!   Take all the time you want, Dr. Kuter.  You will hear no disappointing words from me!    I love my oncologist.  She is a wonderful person and likewise, doctor.   Never rushes you out, sits as long as you need her to answer questions, etc.   Besides, this hour gives me a chance to jot down my thoughts, write this blog.

As mentioned above I have experienced much growth.   I can tell you that I wouldn’t wish the journey of cancer on anyone, but I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.  I’ve learned that it’s the toughest times that bring the most growth and when you come out of it, it’s amazing how perspective changes, at least that is how it is with me.  As I sit here looking around at the people sitting in this waiting room it’s obvious, no one wants to be here.   No one.   But you make the best of what you’ve got, if you’re smart that is!  Sometimes I had to stoop very low to experience humility, thus gratitude.   These days I’m grateful every day for so many things and even in that I know there is so much more I should be grateful for!

I am writing this blog on my iphone.   I am hardly efficient with this keyboard.  I probably should proof this blog but its time to close it.   A young woman who is looking mighty scared just arrived and sat near me.  I think it’s time to give back what was given to me.  I remember the fear I had when I first walked into this hospital.  I remember, also, the kindness of others, the seasoned “survivors” who shared their story with me and brought some solace to a restless mind and soul.    If the auto correct has done it’s job I am sure there will be major errors.  Just know if it said something about a sex change, it’s not true!   My oh my how messed up auto correct can be, but it can add a lot of spice too!

I sure hope you are having a great day.  I am!    Today my oncologist is going to tell me I’m still cancer free!   Can it get any better than that?

 

 

ExCiTeMeNt!

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How do you share an opportunity of a lifetime with someone when you are so excited your presentation alone will scare them off?

I am crazy excited.   I am looking younger, feeling younger and taking charge of my own destiny!     My friends are looking at me like “Are you doing drugs?”   Um NO.   I’m very excited and want to share this with others.    For the past year I’ve dared to dream again.  I have hope and am running with it that my life could and will be so much better.  Having fun, looking youthful, earning moola.   PSYCHED!

For the past decade I have been struggling financially.  I know I’m not alone.   I would work 12 hour days, travel, flop into bed and wake up in the morning doing the same thing over and over.  My down time was spent crying, questioning my existence.  Yep, I was one gloomy girl.     Having hope is WONDERFUL!     Being excited about my life and the potential of it is WONDERFUL!   I want to share this with everybody because I believe they, too, can change their lives….all for the better.   

Don’t you deserve to at least look into it?    🙂 🙂 🙂    Now I shall stop my blabbing about this, well, for now.

My life is changing.  I am healing.   I am so grateful to be in the place I am, as it’s new, someplace I’ve never been.   It hasn’t been easy getting here, quite the contrary but the old adage “Anything worth having … dot dot dot!”    What if?   What if I could turn my life around?  What if I can be financially secure, my art can become my art, my passion without deadlines and traveling like a maniac to meet my bills? You know what?  I’m the only one who can do this and I’ve fallen into an opportunity that the potential is unlimited….   I’m doing it!!!!!!!!!!! WOHOOOOOOO…….

Tomorrow I’m off to Boston for my biannual oncology visit.    5 months cancer free and planning on continuing this road STRONG!

donnascully.nerium.com
LAUNCHING IN Canada this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Look at all the open windows!

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Even sporting a migraine hangover I am excited about a business venture I have rejoined.  Thank God it’s a kick butt product because I’m not a sales person.  This product sells itself.  If you are interested in real results from an anti aging crème, part time flexible work, set your own pace, let me know.   I’m not going to plaster this daily in my blogs or on my facebook.  Not my style.   I am excited because the potential here is limitless.   I am excited because I am once again believing that my life can and will change for the better!   I’m the only one who can change my life and guess what?  I’m going to do it!  Want to do so with me?

Today I recognized that the once all consuming and encompassing thoughts about my addiction have slowed down.  Likewise, the buttons that others pushed in me, which served as an excuse, or where I went to escape from the discomfort… Well, these buttons have slowed way down.  I am speaking my truth, standing up for myself when I feel the need, thus lessening my need to get a “fix”.   I am  slowly gaining control of what once ruled and dictated my life.  I am grateful, extremely grateful.

I’ve also been thinking about how much I’ve grown, and how much I intend of growing.   If only I could have “one more conversation” with those I’ve loved, those I’ve lost.   My growth has turned up new findings, a better understanding of things in which I could not understand prior.   Satisfaction and self pride with the work I’m doing, what I’m learning, the goals I am setting… I want to share with them.  If only.  So now I need to open up my heart to others, allow others to get close to me, allowing them to learn from me, and me, them.  It’s crazy how fast my thinking, my perspective changes.  Growth is a wonderful thing but it can also be a mighty scary thing.

Clinging to the “known” is safest for me, I think for many of us.    Keeping my hands open to new things coming my way instead of holding on with a death grip to that which is familiar.   If I never open my heart and mind to change then what would I ‘become’?  Nothing more than I am at this very minute!    Putting on my big girl panties, peeling the layers off the mind set, expectations of perfectionism, I realize I am my own worst enemy.    I am limiting myself, my chances of happiness, of success by keeping my mind closed to that which is known and comfortable.  I am deflating the opportunity to expand my horizons, to live better, to have better things in life.  What if… dare I say it, what if I COULD in fact have the things that I tell myself I don’t want or need.  It’s all “luxury”.   Hmmm, what if?  What if?  Holy crap… WHAT IF?

I’m reaching out my arms to newfound hope.  I’m am embracing dreams of past and daring to dream of present.   I am the only one that can change my life, my circumstances, if I am not willing to try, to give it my all and let go of trying to control the outcome, what will I be?  The very same person that I am today.   Not that I am a bad person, quite the contrary, but allowing myself to do, to be all that I know I can be… I ask you, is there any greater a gift we can give ourselves?  That I can gift myself with?

So many times I’ve heard “One door closes, another one opens”.    I am learning that if I will only go with the flow, allow the natural order of change to take me on my next adventure, what will I be?  Who will I be?   I am and always will be an artist.   I love this part of me.  I accept that I’m out in left field when most are in right.  I love that I see things differently than many.   I love that colors, textures exhilarate me.  I love that I am able to make something out of nothing, and bring the things I “see” to fruition, reality.   I love that I have so many different avenues in which to express my artistic self.     I love that I am once again open to learn, to grown.  That I’ve learned that perhaps I was in fact, trying TOO hard thus overlooking the obvious? the given? anew?

I know not how long I shall rise to another day.  I know not what is in store for me.  But one thing I surely know, if I’m not willing to open up my hands, open up my heart, to allow myself to be vulnerable to pain, I have in fact imprisoned myself in darkness.  I deserve better!

I’m off to seek out my own truth today.  I’m off to smell the fresh air of the open window I’ve been avoiding, or distracting myself from accepting.  Isn’t it funny how in our quest to “NOT” be something, someone, we become a clone of it?

Go seek out your truth today.  Go check the scenery out to the window that you, too, may have been ignoring.   Let’s open up our hands, our hearts to a better life…

 

Today, just for today, I am going to get out of my own way!!!!!!!!!!

A trip down Memory Lane

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Todays circumstances found me in old stomping grounds.    This is where I went to high school, hung around with friends, passed the test for my driver’s license, got my first checking account, first full-time job, on and on.   While driving around it was as if a movie was playing in my mind, a very vivid movie.

Drove by my sisters first apartment, the site of my first automobile accident, my dads old house…    As I went by these places memories were in full force, as if I had stepped back in time and stood there once again.    Driving by my dads former house I thought of my brother as a teen, working on a puegot that he finagled for, the arrival of my sister’s prized boat, wrestling with her on the ground (in my 20’s!).  I drove over the spot on the road where my sister was test driving my new Prelude when we saw my dads Toyota truck coming.  Our brother had been using it that day, running back and forth to the parts store.  So to be funny, I stood up and out the sunroof and flipped him off, only to see that it was my fathers girlfriend.  Boy did we get in trouble for that one.    Kimo, the dog I sold to my brother for $1 who stayed at my dad’s house for 1 day and then ran away.   A few days later he showed up on the doorstep of my parents old house, 20 miles away.  His paws were raw, puffy, but he wanted to be home!   Softball fields where both my sister and I were on leagues.  She was in an A team, I was in a C!   Houses that my older sister lived in, was cared for.  As I drove to the hospital to pick up my mom I drove past the cancer center where I brought my mother to her weekly chemotherapy treatments on two different occasions in her life; where I saw one of my childhood friends dads the last day he was alive.  The emergency room where my girlfriend and I brought my mother and the doctor came out in the hall to tell me he didn’t think she would make the night, who is her power of attorney?  Fortunately she made it through that.   The emergency room where I raced to be with my sister who was having severe abdominal cramps.  I drove 35 minutes like a maniac to get there.  Fortunately she made it then.  And sadly the hospital where I last saw my older sister.   I remember walking down the corridor as I left the final time, with legs that felt like rubber and a noise in my head that blocked my ability to hear anything anyone was saying.   I recalled the people walking by who were going to visit a loved one, they were happy, and smiled at me.   I don’t think my face moved, but I do remember wondering “Do they know I just said goodbye to my sister?”    As I’m writing this Elton John’s “Circle of Life” started to play in the background….I’m smiling now.  Now Starbucks, I went by the Taco Bell where Jim and I frequented.  One day we sat eating peering at a double rainbow.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I share with you few of many.

So many times in my life when I have felt the energy of loved ones whom have passed.   One night I was driving home from a 12 step meeting, I was driving fast on a back road.  Suddenly my youngest sisters face revealed itself vividly.  She said “SLOW DOWN”.  Well seeing her shocked me into slowing down in itself.  Mere seconds later a deer ran out in front of me.    Things like this happen to me all the time.   Some brush it off and think my “believing” is insane, for me, that’s okay that they don’t believe, but I know what I had experienced was very real, and it is those memories that help me through difficult days.   This life is not all there is.

Who can explain how I meet a stranger and somehow in the conversation say “Holy Mackaral” which I had not said since childhood, and the strangers maiden name was “Mackaral”?   The visions I saw that came around to pass a day or two later?

It has been said that when you die your whole life flashes before you.  I wonder if it will be like todays unexpected movie script?    Do you know its a phenomena that most people will reach for something that we here, cannot see, and will see and speak of seeing those whom have passed before them?    If you or anyone is going through the death or foresee the death of a loved one coming, get the book “The final Gift”.  A very helpful book which was written by hospice workers.  It speaks of this and so much more.  I have given this book out to many.

Faith is believing in what we can’t see.  Faith is something that a scientist struggles with, they believe only in what they see, hear.   Faith has helped me walk through so much in my life.  Faith gives me hope, keeps me walking forward into territory I want nothing to do with.

Yeah, today was a good day.  A day filled with memories and flashes from my past, some fun, some painful.    I find it ironic that I can remember these incidents from decades ago, songs from the 70s verbatim, and yet find myself going into the kitchen 5 times to get that which I could not remember!

Life is interesting.  Faith is interesting.   I am not a religious person, I am however a very spiritual person.   Above are mere examples of the many times in my life I have had experiences in which many others will never believe.   “Wishful thinking” I’ve been told.   Just now “Tears in Heaven” came on in the background.     It’s okay that they don’t believe me, it’s okay that they don’t believe in this happening, it’s okay because I know these incidents are real, and with all my heart and soul I experienced them in my waking hours.  Perhaps one day I will share about the vivid dreams, visions of things that unraveled just as the dream played out.  There are some experiences so meaningful, so purposeful, so timely that I will only share with a chosen few.  Why?  Because I never want anyone to taint these with their disbelief.   In an interview Bob Dylan did in the early 90’s he spoke of “knowing, the dream, the vision” in which you walk towards, set out to do, and not to share with others because they, with their own mental limitations, will squelch or tarnish that which you want, instilling self-doubt, fear, therefore not in “alignment” of what we “know” we are supposed to do.  I believe we all have purposes, some to just downright make others lives miserable! 🙂   Those purposes are revealed to us in dreams, in actions, in experiences.    Perhaps someone who has sadly been abused is to help others get out of their similar situation?  I know not, but I do know, for whatever it is, I am still here today.  Today’s experiences validated years of my life that I have not thought of in years.  Bittersweet, though serving a craving I have recently had.

The majority of the time I can hold onto all of my these experiences and as I said above, walk through rough terrain.  There are days when I am not “aligned” that I cannot get there.  This is typically when I’m delving into the depths of depression.  Another whole chapter of my life.

I hope wherever you are in life, whatever is in front of you right now brings a smile to your face, and if tears are cast, I hope you are able to hold strong to the faith that everything happens for a reason.  We may not understand it, we may never know why, but I believe someday we will.    Just my beliefs, my experiences, my life….

Believe it…. or not!  (Said in Ripley’s tone) 🙂