This past week I spent a few days in Maine, York to be exact. Being around water is super wonderful for me, it helps ease the binds that chain me. The ocean? Makes me realize how small my problems are. That is not to say that my problems aren’t important to me, they are, and I’m facing life with zest and experience, knowing a higher power has always had my back, and I highly doubt he’ll abandon me now. But just as anytime something bad happens to you and you never really have to look real far for someone who has it not only worse than you, but much worse, and they handle it gracefully, the ocean reminds me that the reaches of self importance in extreme can be like a tital wave, gushing in here, there, everywhere until you are no longer focused on that which needs work.
I was thinking about what it’s like when you lose your identity. For me, I was a art teacher. I travel taught, and published in magazines, self published, even authoring a book many moons ago now. So when that seized to exist, who am I? What am I accomplishing? Am I worthy of life? So now, just these questions you probably are saying “Lighten the hell up, Donna!”. This is where my brain goes. I felt purpose when I taught. I remember when I cut way back on travel teaching, a battle five years ago with depression and anxiety so high I don’t care to even think about it. I couldn’t function. I had all I could do to take care of myself, physically, mentally. So teaching was cast aside and so were many “friends” who didn’t accept “the new me”. Maybe it’s in my head, but maybe not. When you are no longer supplying people with what they want, or need, does your existence go away? Because if it does? I’m here to tell you, these people are not your friends. Friend’s stick with you through the challenges of life, and there are MANY challenges in life. And those who don’t? Doesn’t mean they weren’t your friend, or that they don’t care. Perhaps they don’t. But It’s okay. It really is. Because new, good, fun, meaningful things are new people are awaiting your arrival!
I’m about to embark on a “come back” if you will. But not really a come back, but a new chapter in the life and times of Donna Scully. Not really sure what will work for me, but I know I loved to teach, and if I went into a class in a bad mood, when I left it, I was singing and smiling. (Insert Rocky Balboa theme song here). KIDDING! Have a lot of things going on, excited and happy about that. Stay tuned!
I’ve been thinking about how painful and disappointing it can be when you are treated differently because for what ever reason, you are no longer offering what you once did. Who is not to say that you aren’t better then you ever were? Seriously?
I have a friend who was unfriended by many “friends” because of his political view. A “star” to them at one time, now, forgotten. It has to hurt. It did when long time friends did that to me, but I’ve long since made peace with all that. I really have. I believe when doors close, windows open, and new adventures will reveal themselves.
I’m a creative soul, a good soul. I am kind, honest, caring, and I love fiercely. But age and experience has taught me that not everyone is worthy of time (and likewise, I’m sure). So I’m rather excited about “new beginnings” that will define itself mid term. I look for signs, pray for guidance, and am never disappointed with what comes to replace the old. The problem I have is hanging onto what once was. I white knuckle it until I’ve made the step of acceptance, and USUALLY when I can’t decide what is next for me, it is because it hasn’t yet been revealed.
I remember a day when I was on my way to a Michael’s, probably 30 miles from my home. On my way there I was asking my higher power “Should I start designing in needlecraft again?” Not five minutes later, upon entering Michael’s and heading back to the yarn department a woman I hadn’t known said my name. “Donna Scully?” Oh boy, how do they know me? Anyway. She introduced herself as a couple of my students mom. Had recognized me from magazine pics, I guess. (Miracle there). Anyway, she said “Guess what I’m doing here?” I look down at her basket which was full of this one beautiful colored yarn. “Making a sweater?” I asked? With that, she pulled out one of my Leisure Art booklets that has long since been retired, it was an instructional pamphlet with 5 of my sweater designs in it. “Nice!” I said! “Thanks for sharing!”
As I walked back to the department after our conversation I looked up, smiled and said “Thank you!” The experience justified spending more money than I was planning on! (I’m good at justifying when it comes to my creative efforts).
I had an epiphany a few weeks ago… alas, direction, I know what I’m doing, and the direction I’m supposed to head in. But all eyes are not on the prize, but on what presents itself because things rarely ever turn out the way I think they are going to. I have endless stories of this type of event happening with me. Like one time thinking maybe I’d sell my house and move away. To where? Was in CT with a close friend, we were on a Craigslist adventure. During our conversation I said I didn’t yet “feel it”. I didn’t know where I should be, I just know I felt disheveled. Just as I say that a sign (town sign) showed up on our right. “Vernon” (which is also the Town in which I live in another state!” We both laughed. I guess I’m supposed to stay put!
Do you get these signs? Are you listening and open to them? I bet signs are all around you, are you open to seeing or hearing about them?