The past year has brought a problem with mice. I mean, I’ve killed dozens, my cat caught a few, as did my dog. Neighbors are complaining also. The thing is, they’re quite cute little critters. If you look at them, they have such fine little detailing. I’m not afraid of them, and I really hate to kill them but if you don’t, they can wreak havoc with much. What a mess they make, totally destructive. And the squirrel that keeps coming into my basement, bringing nuts from the tree outside??? My biggest fear is wiring. I set traps, and still the bastard lives. I caught mice with my squirrel traps! Ugh. Okay, so this will probably freak some out, but I saw a mouse running across my kitchen and then it stopped. It just stopped. Strangest thing. I walked over to it, picked it up and it died in my hands. Yes, I cried. I did. I think it’s the same mouse that had been visiting me and my cat late at night in my living room for several weeks. I don’t know what it died of, and I didn’t provide a funeral. He went out with the trash.
I’ve always been an insanely sensitive person. (You wouldn’t have known it by the last sentence in last paragraph!) . Most of my life (that I recall) I was branded “overly sensitive”. The most recent years have brought interesting, validating reading on “overly emphatic, or EmPaths….” I’ve actually found tremendous help in reading on it, skills that they suggest to try to dub out some of the things that ‘hooks’ ya, is helpful. And I have practiced for a couple years, deleting messages and things that I may have or probably would have obsessed with years prior. Being an artist goes hand in hand with sensitivity, but sometimes I just wish I was a cold hearted bitch who really didn’t care about others.
In the past couple of months I’ve recognized a couple people closest to me who were taking full advantage of me. Gotta tell you, it hurts. I kind of give a blanket trust with love, and to learn that I was being used, particularly by blood relatives, has cut me to my core. I’m working through it, have no idea when or if I will ever get beyond it, but I do know right now I am distancing those who have caused injury to me. For me, it’s easier to just stay away from them. I’m far from stupid, and I read and feel peoples energies, which isn’t always fun. I realize now, what I was feeling a couple months ago was right on target. I make myself sick thinking about it. Further complicated by a shifting of loyalty, etc, I’ve been an emotional Reactor. But today? Today I finally see that I am powerless over others, and trying to “prove” my righteousness only gets me into a world of discord with myself. I will no longer defend myself here. I don’t need to. I just need to take care of myself, and that includes making decisions and spending time with others who love and accept me, and know who I am. Basically people, friends, who don’t look to me to gain, monetary or other.
Today for the first time in a couple months I’m feeling like myself again. Clear on the direction I want to go, stopped listening to outside influences who were telling me I was something that I’m not. And I’ve just about had it with people taking advantage of me. So the list of people I spend time with is dwindling. And that is okay. I’m finally over whatever bug thing I had, and the only remaining pain from the fall on ice is my wrist. Progress!
But I want to talk about that little mouse again that died. Have been feeling pretty raw, vulnerable. Accepting ugly truth doesn’t come easy for me, or without MORE fucking emotions! ha! But I digress. So feeling this discord and discomfort, combined with the cold temps of winter, when this little mouse would come out at night, I welcomed it. Why? Even my cat welcomed it. One night the mouse was about a foot from Chloe, my aging and failing 18 year old cat. If I can find the video I’ll attach it. The cat watched the mouse, but wasn’t interested in hunting it. It was funny but also sobering for me to realize that she just didn’t have the energy to play, so coexisting with the mouse was fine by her. This little mouse offered coexistence, unity, in what has seemed like a very cold and calculating world to me. So when it died, I cried, because I would miss it’s visits, and observing it run around like it had won the lottery.
So now, I’m refusing to REact to things, others, or their behavior. And by doing this, my OWN behavior is back in check. I’m back in tune with who I am, what I want in my life, and I’m okay with where my life is. I’m good with myself. I know my truth. I’m a good person, an honest person, and I’m deserving of good. But most of us know that doesn’t always happen! Thinking of the song “only the good die young!” . Life just ain’t fair, but I still believe that good is around the corner for me! After all, today I have peace. No small feat!
So I’m off to finish up a couple household chores, and then I’m crawling into bed early to watch a movie I’ve wanted to. Things aren’t perfect, far from it. In fact, not much has changed in my life over the past couple months, but my insight has! It’s like putting new lenses in your glasses and seeing the world for all that’s beautiful, not ignoring or denying the ugly, but choosing to keep myself and my life separate from it, as best I can.
Hope you’re having a nice day! Will I be the only one not watching the super bowl? Couldn’t care less! Wishing you peace, love…. Wishing all peace and love. Tonight I’m embracing gratitude in my attitude !