Today has been a challenging day. I needed to have a medical test, which I have postponed once and really didn’t think it was a big deal until it was time for me to prepare for the test and go.
An unexpected spiral of anxiety and fear overcame me. It was only then that I realized I was afraid. I am very rarely fear filled. Many moons ago I taught myself how to put, right in front of me, whatever it is I am afraid of, and then address it, as best I could.
I believe there are more than one kind of cancer “survivors”. Not just the person battling the disease, but those who are left to find peace with their passing, should that unfortunately happen. And it happens too many times.
Today for me was a combination of thinking about my moms passing a year ago last month, and my kid sisters passing many years ago in early April. When you go thru cancer with not just one, but every one of your (siblings) and parents, it may seem like it would get easier. But it doesn’t. For me, I remember every “meeting with surgeons’ on loved ones. I played the eye dodging game with them as they came to tell me or us the results. These are times you will sadly never forget, particularly if the prevailing news is bad news. In that few seconds of seeing her surgeon come out to look for me, I flashed through this with my mother multiple times, as she had started her “undesired” intimate rounds with cancer 17 years before she passed.
I listened to her doctor, and she asked if I had questions. So doing what i do best, laying it out there honestly, boldly, pulling that fear right in front of me I asked questions that made her literally flinch. “You’ve been through this before?” Yes, you could say that. “These are not typical questions asked to me after surgery but that doesn’t mean they are bad ones either!’ TELL ME, NOW. What does my loved ones (and mine) future look like? Is it the arduous, time consuming and soul shaking walk of more surgeries? chemo? radiation? What is the treatment, and please God let there be treatment! AND THIS WAS ALL IN MY HEAD from years PAST!
BACK TO THE FUTURE: I knew I was unraveling, i was feeling light headed, sweaty, and filled with fear, forgetting to breathe, this does not happen often. it has happened probably 6 times in my whole life to this degree. All I could think of was that I needed prayers, and the fastest way for me to get them is on social media. I have many, many. lovely, “friends and family” who are very generous with their prayers, I KNOW prayers make a difference. So I spilled my guts on my fb page, sharing that which I had kept quiet for three months. The highway becomes convoluted with memories of past tests, results,. and not to mention the 10th anniversary of my own breast cancer diagnosis is coming up quickly. I was blindsided today.
What’s different? Why am I feeling so afraid? Why is this simple test sending me closet to wearing tin foil hats? After posting I pulled it together, and drove to the hospital for the test. My legs were shaky and like rubber, I felt a bit like Gumby. What the hell is this fear? Once in radiology I sat and found my foot tapping quickly, picking up speed when they called my name. Let’s get this done!
The test was really no big deal. It took about 40 minutes, and the technician who did it was a very passionate woman who loved her job. So during the test I was preoccupied with conversation with her. The worst was behind me. “I’m breathing, I’m breathing”. Following a friend drove to NH with me to pick up something and our conversations are always interesting, honest. When I finally got home I laid on the couch and prayed, meditated. I pay a price for worry, and my body was “not my friend”, but is quickly becoming whole again after doing what I need to do for myself.
Now the waiting game? The results? One good thing about exhausting myself today is that I have NO ENERGY whatsoever tonight to even think about results. They’ll be what they are, and I know I’ll hear from my Drs office within 48 hours. I have got this covered.
I’m not usually dramatic. If anything I downplay my feelings, I have my coping mechanisms. But what I was able to really grasp tonight was, that I no longer have my mother to help me through whatever it is I am going through. I’ve never been sick without my mother. I have been feeling the stress of managing a home, yard, on my own. The list of to dos is long and distinguished. My mom did A LOT for me, she was always puttering in my yard, she loved doing so. This year all these tasks are solely mine. So Yes, at 57 today, I reverted to fear, unable to decipher what it was I was afraid about. Tonight I accomplished such.
Not my best day, but no way near my worst! A bit embarrassed about online drama, but those who love me will forgive…
Have a great nights sleep!