Tag Archives: anguish

Rambling grief

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My siblings have graciously and generously taken care of all the necessary final arrangements.  My mother did not want a service, she was adamant about this.    So they have generously arranged for a private family dinner in which we will celebrate her life.   My brother has offered his home for family and friends to stop by afterwards if desired.   I want to share that I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts and messages, prayers being said for me and my family.

The reality that she is gone hits me sporadically and infrequently.   It’s still not real yet.  If that makes any sense.  I’ve been practicing self care, resting the past few days, working on her obituary, which I must say hasn’t come easily.  I remember an obituary of someone who I knew, and despised, and my jaw was sitting on my chest throughout the whole obituary because it was so uncharacteristically her, and I had thought about becoming an obituary writer after reading it.   Clearly, you can say anything you want, make up things, be anything you want or want them to be in an obituary!   For me, I wanted it to be an honest assessment of my mothers life.   I wanted to touch upon the things that were most meaningful and important to her.  Doing so required sorting through many memories and feelings. and spanned the last five decades of her life that I was aware of.

I look around my house and I’m reminded of how much my mom did for me.  We tackled projects together, including painted furniture that she would strip, fix, and I would paint.    She rarely sat, she was always busy.  Sometimes that used to drive me nuts.  And the things that she did that used to irk me, like leaving cleaning agents in nooks and crannies around the house, today made me smile.  My house will NEVER AGAIIN be as clean as it was then when my mom was staying here or house sitting!   Last night when I did the dishes I remember her saying to me “the warmth on your hands is healing, Donna, let it nurture your hands”.   For the record, my dishwasher also died, and I haven’t yet nurtured my hands today!  And for over a decade now, my mom took care of all my flower gardens, and yard.   Her and my friend Joe who took care of the lawn, both of whom will no longer be doing that.   I will deal with that when the snow is gone.  Perhaps I’ll get back into gardening?

My mother and I couldn’t be more opposite in some ways, and in others we were side by side, I echoed her.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but I know that both of these things were obvious in our relationship.  Sometimes it’s because you are very much alike that personalities clash!

I’m not liking this particular journey of grief.   Actually, I haven’t liked any other either.  But this loss, this is vast.     I can’t even comprehend it yet.  Am I saying it is greater than my other losses?    I don’t know, I just know it’s seemingly different, in the short time since she passed.  As I go through pictures to share with my siblings, I’m also sorting through memories.   My mother would surprise me many times I was away teaching.  I’d come home and she’d have not only cleaned the house but also did extras, things that I was meaning to do just hadn’t yet found the time.   I remember the first time I traveled after my ex boyfriend and I split.  I have mentioned on numerous occasions he was an alcoholic, a binge drinker.  Well, when I started to travel teach, I was weary when I’d pull out of the driveway on a Thursday or Friday to travel to my gig.   I didn’t trust him, and was afraid that he’d get drunk and would lose one of my animals (accidentally) or burn my house down.  So when I came home the first time after we split and my mom had stayed at my house (with my 4-5 animals), I was delighted to come home to a super clean house, new scatter rugs, and other small things that really were appreciated.  Although, she was far more excited over a toilet bowl brush than i was!    Seriously!  I remember thinking how nice it was to have someone “on my side” or working with me with housework and goals.

I am afraid of grief.   I am afraid because it can be such a deep dark hole, an emptiness, a seemingly endless journey of sadness, at least it was for me when my youngest sister died, and when I learned Jim had died.  I’ve been reading articles online how to help yourself, things you can do to help move your grief along if you are feeling stuck.  I haven’t felt stuck because I haven’t yet accepted it.  But I know from experience that there will be a time that I do, and it will probably be when I get angry.  If you’ve never read any of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross work, her writing was amazing, her work with the dying was ground breaking.  Both my mother and I enjoyed her books, and my mother doing hospice work shared many things with me.   It’s time to pull back out the book written by hospice workers that I cannot seem to recall  its title, but I will.  I will probably have to buy it again, which I have done probably five times, because I always seem to pass it along to someone else who was in need of comfort, understanding, who was walking the difficult path of grief.  I want to say “Final gifts”.

I’ve kept fairly alone this week, which works for me.  Once an extrovert, I have long since moved over to the introverts side, and I heal, process alone.    At one point in my life I was afraid to be alone, as if it said something horrible about me that I wasn’t “in love”.    Those days are long gone, and while I long for loving touch, I am comfortable with my life.  I think each person has to define whether coming home to an empty house evokes loneliness or freedom!    And that can vary day by day, certainly when walking through grief.    I’ve gone from having 5 pets, two dogs and 3 cats, down to one geriatric cat who at the age of 18 years old has the whole house to herself.  She was always low man on the totem pole.   All the other animals would pick on her, but now she’s showing them!     I thought I was losing her a couple months ago, i mean, she is obviously showing signs of age, she sleeps a lot, but she had stopped eating, and had become alarmingly thin.   I’m pleased to say she is doing much better, and I love looking over at the second chair in my living room and seeing here there.  I’ve resisted offers and desires to get more animals because it’s just so expensive to have them, and I have been fortunate to have friends who helped me get their flea and tick stuff, shots, and also in putting them down when their quality of life became unacceptable to me.

I don’t know why I’m struggling so with second guessing the pain meds I kept asking for with my mom.    As close as I can come to the fear of it, is that it silenced her.  And my mother was hardly the quiet soul.     She and I had a pact when it came to my animals.   She really was good to them, and my dogs lived at her house half the time because of how much I traveled.  But I digress.   The pact was, if I was letting one of my animals live in a manner that was less than quality of life, she would tell me.  Because I never wanted them to suffer, ever.   So in recalling this, why would I question doing the same with my mom?  It isn’t as if we euthanized her, but my mother has always responded drastically to the smallest dose of most meds.  Was there more she wanted to say?  The fact that I, we had the last word with her offers little comfort from a strong woman who always seemed to have the last word.

Back to being alone, one with myself, tomorrow I am going out to get my hair done. I’m looking skunk (ish) with roots.   I tried doing this the other day, but I couldn’t sit in my own skin while I was waiting for my girlfriend to finish with her previous client.   I bowed out, leaving her a note, because I just wasn’t doing well physically or emotionally.     I hope tomorrow goes better.

Hope you had a nice day, hope you smiled today and shared with loved ones how much they mean to you.  It’s important, and in the overall scheme of life, it goes by so fast.

Love and good thoughts being sent to you .  Thanks for reading!

 

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EVIL and Kkkkkkkkkkkkkarma

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Today’s Lesson:   If I seek revenge on an evil act, I become part of it

Today’s Gratitude:   I am grateful that I am aware of today’s lesson

I am seething at the moment.  Have you ever been around evil?  I think we all have, whether we have recognized it or not.   How did you react mentally, physically, spiritually to it?  Does it consume you?  Is it changing you into someone you are not or don’t want to be?

I pray for those who have harmed me or my loved ones.   I learned this long ago in a 12 step program.    Evil to me comes in the form of several things, one being deceit, another being greed, ill will to others.    There has been a person that thankfully, is no longer in my life, but still reeking havoc on my family.  Evil..  Greedy.   I believe in karma, and this person has some major bad karma coming to her.  My fear is that when it knocks on this persons door, and it will, will it be through a mutual family member?

Two years ago, when I was hospitalized for depression, I couldn’t talk about some very cruel and evil things that were happening to me.   I was accused of inappropriate touch in a situation that was a very moving memory for me.  How do you deal with something like that?  I was so hurt, very hurt, how this person (same person) took something very beautiful and made it ugly and bad.  I will share the incident in a minute.    I have never been so wrongfully treated in my life.  I couldn’t share about it because I was accused of writing blogs that defamed them.  Everything was taken, twisted, and this blank filled eyed person brought evil into everything that was good.  I was the target.   I am going to talk about it now because it has been a couple years and I know other people have gone through this.  I will not share on this again here.

It was not easy for me to have my breasts removed.  It was not easy to learn that the cancers I had were at high risk of recurrence and I was at high risk of another.   With my higher power in my heart, and friends and family at my side, I made the difficult decision to have double mastectomies and reconstruction.   I declined chemotherapy for reasons I will one day share.  For 2 years I went through surgery after surgery because my compromised immune system created complication after complication.    Part of reconstruction for the type I chose began at the same time as mastectomies.  Expanders were placed under the muscle.  Saline was inserted each week, or every other week to stretch the muscle and tissue, preparing for the implant.  It was a journey I would wish on no one.  But here is the thing.  I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.  I learned who I was, what I was made of, and I now share my experiences, in essence, teach others the risks, things I learned which may or may not help them.  I probably, no, I know I share a lot of personal things in my blog, sometimes I will go back and delete because I feel too exposed.  The only reason I share what I do is because I know I am not alone in whatever it is I am struggling with, I am not unique with my challenges, my hardships.  If my experiences, my words can help even one other person…. isn’t that great?

Well, this innocent child had watched me go through this for months, noticing the change in my body from start and reconstruction and never asked about it.  I am sure this child’s parent told them not to.    One night this child came to spend the night with me.   We played, beaded, painted, read, took the dogs on a hike in the woods.  It was a wonderful weekend for both of us.    When we were getting ready for bed I took off my sweatshirt, revealing a cotton camisole, something that I had to wear for months….Anyway, this child seemed angry and upset, crawling down to the foot of the bed to look.  “That isn’t your pajama’s” she said.   I replied “This is what I am going to wear for pajamas”.   Now, she was  angry that I wasn’t changing into something different I asked “What is the matter?”    After a couple of minutes the reply “I want to see”.   Knowing the extent of the scars, I said “We’ll check with your parents first”.  “They told me to ask you”.  “No, they didn’t”.   Persisted until I said a prayer, picked up my shirt and showed my breasts.   “Does it hurt?”   “No, it doesn’t”….   “Can I feel one?”  “Yes… a tender touch to this rock hard breast “It’s hard, are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”  “No it doesn’t hurt”….. and that was that.   Curiosity of a child.   We snuggled into bed with a bag of Doritos and I prayed that I did the right thing.   Just as this child was falling to sleep “Donna?”….. “Yes”…..   “It’s no big deal!”    As she fell asleep, a plentitude of tears fell down my cheeks.  Through the eyes of a child, the innocence, the beauty, the validation that I was not deformed or should be concerned about how I looked.   It was a beautiful moment and one that I will hold dear.     In the morning I told the parents and they were fine with it.   Months later when it became convenient to manipulate to get what was wanted, it suddenly became improper touch.      Devastating.

I cannot describe to you the pain that this caused me.  I cannot describe to you the anguish and how devastating this was for me.    I went to see my girlfriend at her work and told her what was happening.  She and I have been friends for 30 years.  “You are still allowed to see them (child) ?   Yes.  “Donna, think about that.  If someone did something to my child you can damn well bet the last thing that would happen is their being near my family again.  And furthermore, the first thing I would do would be to call the police!  Did they call the police?”  “No”.  My girlfriend is very intelligent, she is also a woman of class, but more importantly, high scruples, morals, standards.   I trust her implicitly.  We have seen each other through some of the roughest times in our lives.  Crying, I could see the anger in her.  When she gets angry her jaw clenches, and her jaw was clenching.  She was angry.  She was angry because she knows me, and she knows that I would never do anything like what I was then was being accused of, and that this evil persons lies were so painful for me.  She loves me, and I her.    My visit with her helped me through the next couple of days, and finally combined with other things that were going on, I became suicidal.   I felt like I had little support through this, my friends were very supportive.   EVIL.    My nephew had come to live with me.  He also had been targeted in ugly ways.  At 20 years old he was one of my biggest supporters.  I will forever be grateful that he was living with me then.   I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital.   It was all too much for me to sort through, to accept.    Beauty, innocence purposely distorted for their gain which was revenge at my family.

I have seen evil.  I have been victim to evil.   When the hair on my neck stands up, when my stomach starts to flip flop around someone, I walk away, I stay away.  Why?  Because I want no part of it.  It was during this time that I called my cousin who is a very spiritual, religious man, he spiritually guides me.   Actually, he called me at 2 am because we were both up (as usual) and I was having a particularly hard day.   He talked to me about strife, we spoke of evil.   The energy of this person is evil.  A blankness in the eyes, not a tear shed for anything in over 10 years plus, no conscience, cruel, greedy and more. I have nothing to do with this person but it angers me to see the continued pain caused by greed, lies, accusations.   I will not allow myself to hate.   It takes too much out of me physically, mentally.   I pray for this person.  I pray for those of the wake that is left from their actions.  I pray for their health, physically and mentally.    It is not for me to judge another, but it is my business when so wrongly accused of such vial things, or in general to assess a person, place of thing is good for me.   I am not the judge of her.   I am a victim of her vengeance.  People with vengeance in their energy I steer clear of as well.  They are dangerous.    I will never “win” anything at the level they are because I am not like that, I do not understand nor live there, nor will I ever be.

I will work through this anger.   I will support the latest victim, but I will never go near them again.   I think the devil himself would wear leather gloves before touching this evil entity.

If you don’t like what I said, do not tell me so.  Please keep your comments to yourself then.  If you understand, then by all means, please share, it helps me, it helps us all, there is strength in numbers.    I know that evil exists.  I know that there is a dark side that my body reacts to, warning me of the danger.   I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful I was able to walk away and leave them to their creator.  Because you know what happens?  In my pain, in my ego, I was becoming someone I am not.  It’s ironic how that works.

If this person is cyber stalking still….. I will once again say to you what I said gently and with compassion back then “Get help”.   Also remarks of my mental illness, cruel demeaning comments, knife slicing comments that cut through my heart.   My thoughts on this are…. what is worse?  Being treated for a mental illness or being ignorant to one and not seeking help?

Evil exists.  Karma exists.  Love exists.   Goodness exists.  I am protected, however through my God.   I am guided to be the best person I can be, to help others, to love others, and to accept both myself and others, shortcomings and all.  To learn, to grow, to teach.   I share this because I did nothing wrong.  I share this because “secrets” are not healthy, we are as sick as our secrets.  I share this and will share this more explicitly in the book I am writing.    I am not as fearful of evil as I once was as I know I will be protected.  I am, however, cautious and hyper vigilant on when and what evil will appear in my life next.   I have to work on that because that very hyper vigilance keeps me from appreciating this very moment.    Every day it gets easier for me.  Every day I grow and are becoming the best person I can be…

Please, no sympathy, I am okay.  I always welcome prayers, and if you will say a prayer for this person, that would be great.

Thanks for listening….

Today’s artwork is one season of several window scenes I have painted.   This is “Cardinal Window”  

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An instructional pattern packet is available for this painting.