Category Archives: Art…the colorful palette of my life

This too, shall pass


I fell on the ice a few days ago.  I don’t think I broke any bones, I can brag about my bone density but I know better.     I’ve never really thought about falls.   I mean, I’m a klutz, and fall more than I want to admit.    The black and blues are all colorful, in various stages of color.   The one on my leg is this ugly yellow.     Then darker ones above that.  My leg looks like a spoiling banana!    I was lucky and am grateful that two hoods cushioned my head, so other than a sore neck, my noggan is fine.  Think I’m going to have an xray on my left wrist though.  It’s swollen and isn’t getting any better.    I wrapped it up in my elecrtic blanket the last few nights, which helped the aches and pains.    I went down quickly and right under my car door and car.     A friend had told me about his friend who fell hard the same day and it caused a detached retina in his eye! UGH.  We have a lot of ice this winter.   Grateful I wasn’t seriously hurt.

So today my dad, his girlfriend and I finished installing the sump pump.  And did some repairs on holes in the foundation.  I have a lot of work to do to clean up the cellar, and also my wool rugs and floors upstairs.  As careful as we were, there is no way around tracking mud.  So the floors and rugs will need to be cleaned too…but not today!  Today I’m going to spend some quality alone time, work on a few needlecraft projects I have going, and perhaps an art project.    What will be, will be!  And my ankle will be elevated and the opposite side wrist will be positioned comfortably, so that I can find some peace today, physically and emotionally.

I’ve had a lot going on the past few weeks, and taking time for myself is the key to get back to tranquility.   It’s been one thing after another.  Looking forward to it’s leaving my space and visiting someone else!    The day after the fall I broke a tooth in half.  So tomorrow I’m heading over the mountain to go to the dentist and will probably have the tooth extracted.  I’m really not looking forward to it.  Let’s see what the dentist thinks.   You know how things happen all at once?  Or seem to?  It isn’t so much the seriousness of the event(s) as it is totality of all, and frustration.  It will pass.  Seriously thinking of sage-ing my home tomorrow.  I’ve been saying suggested prayers to try and rid all the crap that’s been happening.    I do well on a one by one challenge, but when given multiples within short time period, not so much.

Yesterday I shared on  my dad.  Today when he was here I took pictures of his hands, he didn’t know I was doing this.   And today I was able to thank him, them, and tell them him that I loved him and appreciated all he has and does do for me.    We had a few minutes alone in my living room, resting, and he told me he knew he was on his way out.  I asked why he felt that way, or had a dr told him?  He said his memory is getting very bad, and he’s losing strength and abilities on a daily basis.   I just listened.  He spoke of his youngest daughter, my kid sister who we lost to cancer 15 years ago now.   And also of his oldest daughter, my oldest sister who we lost to cancer six years ago.    He told me how upsetting it still is when he thinks of particularly, Darlene’s life cut so short, she was young, not as young as some, but not as old as you’d want someone to be when they learn their life is almost over .   My dad and my sister were the best of buds.   They did things together, fished, camped, they had a very special and unique bond.   It was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in life, losing my sisters, and watching my parents lose their daughters.    I was watching “Blue Bloods” the other day and there was a scene when a woman asked Erin Reagan whether it gets easier, after losing someone close to you.   She said softly, honestly “No”.  I nodded to her reply as if she was sitting in the same room with me.    Time may teach you how to coexist with the loss, but it doesn’t take the pain away, nor do I think you ever really get over it.  You just have no choice but to trudge on, forward.    If there was one thing I could change in my or my dads life, it would be that Darlene lived a long life and that we never had to know what it was like going on without her here.  But if wishes were horses, we would all ride, yes?

So as I sit in my chair resting my lame body, watching the boob tube and working on projects, I am surrounded with pictures of those I love, and two whom I’ve lost.   Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them, or miss them.   I am always grateful for the time I had them in my life.  I’m truly a better person for having known and loved them, and been gifted with their love.  What I find amazing, really, is how the love for them continues to grow.  It’s really an amazing thing.

Hope you are finding enjoyment in peace in whatever you are doing today, and if not, hang on, “this too shall pass”, and if you’re where there is cold weather and ice…. be careful!!!!




Sump Pumps and intimacy


The majority of today I spent with my 84 year old father and his girlfriend.  They helped me install a new sump pump in my cellar.  It has been damp, and then flooded, and it’s a nightmare down there right now, but I digress.

What I wanted to share is about my feelings for my dad.     He is now having memory problems, and he went after this project to HELP ME.   He wasn’t taking no for an answer.   So today I rearranged my schedule and as mentioned above, the majority of today was spent in mud, and trying to block out challenging parts that I will not get into here.    I think my dad would do most anything to help me or my siblings.    My dad is a good man, a kind man.  He worked hard to provide for his family, and today he worked hard to help his daughter with a mess she was in.

I was trying to stay in my humor mode, and trying to stay above the button pushing behavior that was happening as we were working.   Many times I came upstairs, sat on a towel with my filthy muddy smelly jeans, just to get away from it, to try to maintain my cool.  To put into perspective just exactly what they were doing, and that was they were trying to help me.

There was a few times when he and I were alone downstairs.   Now, my dad can do anything, I mean that.  He’s very resourceful and talented, but age is slowing him down and wreaking havoc on him.  It saddens me to see this.    At times when I look at him I have to look away so he doesn’t see the tears that run down my cheeks when I see him struggle, when I think about a time that I may not have him.    My father is a man to be missed.  And my fathers love for me, and cheering squad has helped me through many painful times.   A man of very little words, but an observer, doesn’t miss much, just doesn’t acknowledge what he’s seen or thinks.

One moment later this afternoon, I put my hand on his to steady his hand that was trying to put a screwdriver into a screw that I couldn’t see either.   I looked at my father this afternoon differently.  I looked at his hands, working man hands.    When I saw him struggle, I saw his father in him, with expression and looks, but his mother, who was one of the kindest women I’ve ever met, and who treated me with tremendous love and support, came through.    My father is more like his mother than his father was.  And though he had to have help getting down the stairs, and i held my breath every time he came up them, he was determined to do this for me.   And he succeeded.

I’m more of a writer than a face to face person.  Some have accused me of hiding behind the pen or keyboard.   I don’t believe that to be true.  I just can quickly and clearly say in words via paper or keyboard what is in my heart.   I’m not afraid to love, I’m just afraid I will never find a man who will love me like my dad does.  Who will want for me all that my dad does?

At 56 I know how fortunate I am to still have both of my parents.   And tonight as I was listening to music, making a new playlist for myself, I listened to the John Mayor song “Say what you need to say”.   I hope tomorrow I will be able to tell my dad, face to face, just how much he means to me and how grateful I am for his help.     But if I can’t do that, or don’t get to, I will certainly pen it out in a letter and send it to him.  He’s received many of these from me, and I hope we have time for many more.

Very grateful to have the new pump installed.  Have a lot of work to do in my cellar, but I will get to it, and I will do what needs to be done.   And tonight I’m very grateful to have spent this day with my dad.    I am, afterall, his favorite!  ha!


Self Respect


I have been in a very uncomfortable space.   I thought it would rectify itself, after all, avoidance works sometimes!  (sarcasm)   But nothing was changing, correcting itself.

I’m going to be cryptic here purposefully.    Because the end result, the important message comes in the the understanding of self, acceptance of self.

Far from perfect, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.   I also, naively at times, look at the good in others.    Here’s where it gets sticky.    But I am REALLY GOOD about looking at the bad in myself!    I once walked this earth apologetic for my existence.  You can imagine how plowed down I found myself, by others.  People close to me took advantage of me, because they could count on my beating the shit out of myself for something, anything I did that may have caused the problem, or at minimal, participated in the problem.  While their bad behaviors went unscathed, unaddressed.

As mentioned above, I have been at odds, and out of sorts.   The first few weeks I ignored and and the next couple weeks I started to look at my part, and today everything came full circle for me.

I can handle a lot of crap, I have, in fact.   I have accepted unacceptable behavior by many, including and most importantly, MYSELF.  But today I realized that I was at odds with MYSELF, not because of something I did or said, but that I was allowing another persons behavior to define how I felt about myself.  I was feeling sad, bad, guilty, and once I realized this, everything came together for me.

It’s called self respect.  No one has the right to make me feel less than (including myself), and I realized today that I was accepting behavior (from another, but more importantly MYSELF),  that I swore I would never do or tolerate again.  I know, I know, be careful saying the “never” part.   But today I realized, it is that I’ve allowed this situation, certain treatment, that was similar to previous experiences, to dictate how I felt about myself in a negative way.  Am I perfect? Nope!  Never will be.  Anyone can think of me what they want to.  I have absolutely no control over this and today I’m finding peace in that reality.  But when I allow anything, something, or someone to alter how I feel about myself, well, it’s a no win, lose lose situation.   It is vital that I look at my own behavior.  It is acceptable for me to tell someone else if their behavior is bothering me, but it is NOT my responsibility to “make anyone see” or “punish” another.       It’s all about keeping my own side of the road clean.  When I err, apologize, do what I can to correct, and then move on.

So now I will sleep.   I will forgive,  as I always do, and tonight I will forgive myself, and now that I’m aware of it, conscious to it,  I will cease involving myself in this behavior.    It’s that simple.

Moving on!  And tomorrow I will practice self discipline!

If you could do it over again…. what would you change?


If you were given one point in your life that you could return to, and could change the direction you were going, what would it be?   Do you see this as a regret?  As growth?  Or the ole “hindsight is 20/20”.      I’ve been asked on numerous occasions, if you had to go back and do it all over again would you want to?    My stock and honest answer is always “If I could go back with the knowledge that I have now!”

So let’s look at that.   At what age would you be again?  What decision would you make differently?  And more importantly, what changes, and what outcome would you be looking for?

When I was a teen “artex” was big.   And I did this wall hanging for my grandparents “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”.      Recollecting difficult times when a loved ones future was counted in “days”, what would you want to do for the “rest of your life?”

I have never been a materialistic person, except when it comes to my art supplies.  I have spent a lifetime trying to make a difference in someone else’s life.  And I’ve learned that this is one area that I cannot or will not “skimp”.   Why?  Because it grounds me, my creativity defines a large portion of me, but most importantly, it brings me peace, something that I strive for on a daily basis.    If granted one wish, what would it be?  Some would say “win the lottery”, others would say “one more day”, and my answer would say “peace”.   I would like whatever days I have remaining to be at peace with myself regardless of others and their actions.

I look around my studio and I see the multitude of mediums that bring me joy.   And there are days, like the last couple of days, where I cannot accomplish that which I want to, and I cannot find the peace I long and strive for.  Sleep becomes my best friend, and even then, when that which isn’t settled starts to rear its ugly head in dreams, then I know, it’s time to look at something, and probably something that I don’t want to.  Gulps.

“If this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear”…    When you stop telling yourself, or allowing others to tell you what you should or shouldn’t feel, what you should or shouldn’t do, what you want or don’t want in your life;  When you quiet all outside feedback, and self defense, or the like, then you are sitting with your truth.    This can be a fairly lonely place to be, but getting back to peace, I’ve learned in my life that if I cannot find peace, then chances are very good that there is something in my life that I’m not accepting, that I’m not looking at, or allowing myself to look at, feel, then find acceptance in.     In short, acceptance for me equals peace, no matter the topic, the rights, the wrongs.

When was the last time you shut out the world, and all of it’s influences, including people, belongings, actions, and just sat quietly with yourself.  Have you ever done this?   What “truth” did you come to?  Was it good?  Was it bad?  Indifferent?  Colorful?  Black?  White?  Have you ever really been alone?  Have you allowed yourself the freedom or being alone?  Or do you see that as scary?  Unthinkable?  Frightening?  Lonely?

I’ve known loneliness in my life, and I’ve known and experienced great love.   I’ve also spent the majority of the last 12 or so years alone, and once getting over the initial shock, and realizing after many black and blues and heartache, that I don’t need someone beside me to “validate” me, or my worth, and likewise, someone whose selfish goals are to somehow gain from your reaps, (but worse?) tragedies.

I find much more peace now in solitude.   I am good company for myself, and my interests and desires to learn and create keep me chugging away along the road that is sometimes paved and other times, barely visible, but I set my sights on what I want, and when I do that, when I focus on that (again, without “static” from others), it becomes attainable and the finish line may be the focus, but it isn’t the prize.  The prize is the growth and experiences that happen while getting there.

These days solitude means peace for me.     My home is my haven, and I only invite those in who understand this, who want what is best for me, who come to visit me with all my bling or scars with desire to know where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, without judgement or hidden agendas.   And if I am only inviting these types of creatures, or people into my home, then why would I also allow my own behavior to squelch my day?   Self sabotage needs to go, yesterday.


Keep walking forward


As typical of having been on vacation, I came home to a to do list longer than my arm.   Included in this was standing up for myself in a couple forums.  One with someone close to me, who is aging, and not a force to be reckoned with, another being the car rental place who tried charging me $179 more than what was contracted for.      I’m a passive person by nature.  I hate confrontation, but I’ve learned that in order to be in business for myself, and in order to take care of myself, I have to learn to do so.

Prayed the whole time I was handling both situations.    The first one was hardest, telling someone what they are saying is false, untrue,  no matter how strongly they rebelled against it.  And keeping my cool when I was being accused of something that I didn’t do, or would never do!   I think we were both shocked at how I handled the situation.  While I will lose some money in the deal, it is nothing compared to what could have been lost, had I not stood up for myself.  I will recover from this.     And I took NO satisfaction in having to tell someone I care about that what they believe to be true, was in fact, untrue.  But I did it.

Alongside that is the realization and reality that they are losing ground.   It’s easy to take others for granted, I mean, we do that to live.   We assume when we leave our yards, that all drivers we come in contact with are sober, able, and alert.    We have to drive defensively, and consciously, but we can’t leave our yard on a daily basis and think about the possible dangers of accidents, and sadly, more recently terrorists.

I was cleaning my studio and heard gun shots.   Now, I’ve lived around guns my entire life.   In past I wouldn’t think even twice about it, but not anymore.  I stop what I am doing and listen.   Say a prayer, and then try to move beyond what could be disastrous fear.    We have to have faith that we will go do our errands, go enjoy our vacation, if we are fortunate enough to have that opportunity, and know we will be home afterwards, tired, cranky, but alive and well.

I have heard some very painful, painful stories this past few days.  People that I know and care about are hurting, some with physical pain which in itself is a life changer, and some experiencing tremendous loss.  It’s always unfortunate when someone passes around the holidays.  The holidays are tough enough for most of us anyway.    And November has bee notoriously a very difficult month for me.  No matter what I focus on, and plan to counter the anniversaries of some very painful life changing events, it still comes up to smack me across my face, and try its best to rip my heart out through my throat.        I know this too shall pass.   It does.   But not without feeling it first.  I know I have no choice but to keep walking.   I think it was Churchill who said, and I quote “When in hell KEEP WALKING!”     Exactly.  Because we give in to the challenges, we stay right there in hell.     But sometimes it’s hard to forge ahead, and in the direction of where we need to go.    Sometimes the best part of a day is knowing you survived it.  It’s just a fact.

I have numerous things going on in my life, mostly all good, but not without stress.   The November crap hit me yesterday, and while it’s only Tuesday, I feel like it should be NEXT Friday!

The holidays are soon approaching.  Time to practice more patience with others, time to go the extra mile to help a neighbor, family member or friend.  Time to make time for someone who needs a hug, or a smile.    Time to let people you know how much you appreciate them, and even though we naturally take things for granted, many of us will experience difficulties that will remind us of how we do just that.

Here’s hoping your day is good, your life is going in the direction you want it to, and that you have a warm, comfortable bed to retire in tonight.     The older I get the more I come in touch with the fact that life really is about the little things, not the grandiose plans or dreams.  It’s about putting one foot in front of the other regardless of the terrain, and doing our very best on days when we know we aren’t feeling our best.    It’s just a fact of life.    My father used to tell us “to pull ourselves up by our boot straps!”      “You’re the only one who can do it for yourself”.     Today I can say, gratefully, that I did what needed to be done today, and while it wasn’t all pleasant, I did great.   Hope you did, too!


The “L” Word


I just spent 10 days on the West Coast, Southern California.  The weather was awesome, the trip was great, and I’m hung over from jet lag!  But it was all worth it.

Today I slept in, went for a ride with a good friend, and we chatted and laughed, and chatted and laughed.  Somewhere in between we were also very honest.  Not the easiest thing to do, but always a good thing.

It’s back to work for me now.    Plans and things I’ve worked for, bills to be paid, responsibilities to manage, it can be a slap of reality.  Also, oneness, being alone.  I haven’t felt Loneliness in a long time, and I had hoped I never would again.  But I do.I do, and I’ll live.  And as I step back into my world, into my studio, and plans, I know I will once again be grounded, and all will be solid again.    “Fatigue makes cowards out of all of us!”.     I am tired.

No matter where you go in life, your mind, your conscience follows you.  You can ignore it if you want, you can cast it aside, obliterate it with food, or whatever other coping mechanism you use that keeps you standing, or trying to stand.    In the end, however, reality is there, and that’s okay.   It really is.  It means accepting it, even if you don’t like it.    I know personally that acceptance means peace, and I choose peace over anything else in my life.  Mostly because I’ve lived a long time without it.

In the end I will be true to myself, and I will find my grind, and all that happened will be placed in proper perspective, in a special place that memories go, memories that touch your heart, your soul.

Wishing you love, peace, and a break from reality!  And wishing you a reality that you love, and work hard for.  Love to you and yours…  Wishing me?  Sleep, and peace with oneness.

Gratitude’s the attitude baby!


Someone I care about is in the hospital, and has been through pure hell the past year.   I broke down in tears today thinking about her, and what’s she’s going through.  A reminder of when I went to Mass General thinking (after a surgery the week before) that they’ve give me a shot in the butt and some major antibiotics to take when I get home, only to have been admitted with serious infection.     I remember crying, calling my mom from the admission desk “They are admitting me to Bigelow 9”.  “Gigolo what?   Can laugh at it all now.

When you have serious illness, it sometimes provides you with acceptance of things from past that earlier that day, week, month, year, you could not.    And I think the same type of bargaining goes on when you lose someone.  “If you let me survive this….”

It was right around this time of the year, and I was in there for a lot longer than I wanted to be.  I remember thinking “I must be really sick because they don’t keep people in the hospital anymore!”.     When I finally turned the corner, my veins were blown out, and feeling like a pin cushion would’ve been a luxury at that point, they weren’t going to release me because I couldn’t drive home.  Well, I finally lied, found my way out of there.   I drove half way home to Leominster and then pulled into a Friendly’s.  I was so weak.  The only thing I had eaten was popsicles that week, when they would stay down.   So I ordered a fribble, and sat outside, feeling the cool fall breeze run through my disaster zone hair, and feeling so very grateful that I was finally out of the woods and heading home.   I sat for about 40 minutes until I finished the shake, which gave me the strength to get back in my car and drive the rest of the way home.

We can spend a lifetime planning, arranging, collecting, preparing, and one blip can and will take the comfort, the wind out of our sails.   We find ourselves at the mercy of life.   I hope this person who is so sick tonight catches a break, and I hope that she, too, will be heading home soon.   Her husband, her family needs her.     Until she does I will be praying, regularly, frequently, for her health.    In the end, we know God is in control, those of us who believe in God, and while there is some comfort there, the waiting, the meantime, the present can be so overwhelming.  If you’d like to offer a prayer for her, I know it would be greatly appreciated, or send her good vibes.

So I’m tired, heading to bed shortly, will be on my knees tonight praying for her and her husband.   They are so tired, so worn.    She just hasn’t been able to catch a break and my heart hurts for them.

Me?  I’m feeling pretty grateful at the moment.   The painful memories have faded some for me, and gratitude has built a wall around that awful time for me.    I know, I was very fortunate.  And it’s probably time that I do the things I “bargained” to do, if he’d get me through it.   And I’m recalling the trip home where I no longer had concern for the petty things that once plagued my peace.     Acceptance.     Perspective.     Life has a way of knocking you beside the head when you least expect it!

Wishing peace, love, and joy to each of you reading this.  I hope today you have found acceptance to the things that blocked your peace, and if you’re in the middle of muck, I pray that you’ll be given what you need to get you through, and beyond it.   Peace.  xox

Peeking in


The moon lit up a path for my dog (Lilly) and I to walk tonight, our last walk before we retire from a challenging day, at best.

I stopped to peek in and look into my front windows.  What do I see?  What if I did not know me, what would I see?   Would I see the person I want to see?   Would I see a home that I would want to live in?  To welcome family and friends in?

Am I looking into the home of an honest person?  A kind person?  A caring person?   Or would I see an old, angered, manipulative soul?

Would I see the past scars of hardships?  Did the hardships shape or mold me in any way?  For the good?  Or the bad?   Would I see a person whose experiences brought her wisdom, does she share that with others?   Or would I see a woman whose outward and inward look feels beaten from life?    Or would I see the boldness and hardness or an embittered woman?    Would I see a happy, peaceful, gentle home filled with love, welcoming friends and family, or would I see a perfectly placed home, with name brands and picturesque shots from a magazine on Style?

Though the outside of this house is in need of scraping and love, is the inside, the core, the womb warm?  Does it hold true to the things and people I love?   Does it hold true to me?   To the people I have loved and lost?   Or am I living in a shrine to the departed?

Do I see artwork that is beautiful, and brings a smile to my face?  Or do I hear the poisoned tongue of self criticism, judgement, sadness?

Are there pets?  Are they happy?  Are they sad?   Are they fed?

Does it look like a home with a grateful soul?
Or want lists posted everywhere? Does it feel like the person who lives here has ‘enough’ or too much?

As I walked away, I smiled.     This home is far from perfect, and most of the belongings that fill it have been previously loved.   I see a warm glow that comes through the curtains, and a cat that’s probably purring while she lays sleeping on a chair cushion.  I see artwork that was painted with bright, beautiful, happy palettes, pictures of loved ones loved in their prime, smiling, happy, and just enough dog and cat hair on the floor to say, yup, those animals have a nice life, and so does the woman who lives here.   She has made a lovely home for herself, pleasing to the eye, and yet comfortable, welcoming.  Swags that were given to her by someone she loves, belongings that have little monetary value and much sentimental.    Colors that offer soothing feelings, and a studio that is occupied and utilized daily.

In short, I see my “true colors” shining through.   And that?  Makes me a happy woman tonight.    Happy and very grateful for who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.

So now I’m closing the shades and shutting out the world, it’s time for my girls and I to cuddle and snuggle, and enjoy the plush comforter that will soon touching my skin, echoing my body.    I am a very fortunate woman, indeed.





I can’t keep up with the crap that’s going on in the world.  Not and live a meaningful, focused, purposeful life.   Two minutes into reading the news, or the newest trend that is circling Facebook, I want to run away and hide.

I don’t think as humans, and I am one of them, we are designed to deal with the harshness that fills this world right now.  Yes, there are still beautiful amazing things to focus on, but there is so much ugliness that me, myself and I have to extricate myself from.     Whether you can handle it, that’s not up for me to decide, but for me personally, I can only stand small increments of crap, otherwise I get swallowed up in it.

This is not to say that I do not have an opinion, most of my readers know the world of crap I got myself in for speaking my voice and opinion in the last election.  What an election to open my mouth!   My point?    I now choose my battles, and wisely.

There is so much going on in this world that strips me of peace, of center.    I’m not one to blame “God”, though I have been extremely ticked off at him in past.     I am petrified of human trafficking, drugs, war, just to name three.   Now peruse your favorite news channel and see how many other dreadful, crazy things are going on.

How do we participate, and for each of us, have a voice, and realize we aren’t always going to agree with the opinion of others, and THAT”S OKAY!     Perhaps listening or reading without judgement, we can learn something about another person, or situation that we may have not looked at, or realized.  But that takes an open mind to be willing to look beyond belligerence.  And I’m here to tell you, I too can be belligerent.    I have been.  But it’s not a place I choose to visit daily, or even weekly.    For me it usually shows up when my defenses have failed to acknowledge harm coming from places I didn’t expect.    This means what?   It’s simple.  That I need to take care of myself, my own mental and physical state, financial.    That doesn’t mean I become oblivious to what is going on around me, but it does mean I secure myself, FIRST, it’s called self preservation!  And when that is in place, and I am able to help another, I will.  I will.

So today I’m choosing to stay in my own little world, which is full of color, texture, music, love, and light.   I am choosing not to participate outside of this world today, because I have somethings I need to take care of, and I am.     But I will and have offered a prayer for all my family, friends, and the world in its entirety.   So much going on right now, natural disasters and more.     My prayer will be my participation and help to others for this day.

I don’t believe we are designed to handle the enormous hatred and judgement that has been tossed around MOMENT BY MOMENT, and I’m not talking about just one subject.  I’m talking about ALL.  I’ve had enough to last me a lifetime, and I’m learning to not become ignorant to what is happening, but become purposeful where I can, and right now, there is nothing I can do for all that surrounds us, but pray.

I’m not suggesting you change what you are doing, unless you, too, feel overwhelmed and consumed by the ugliness that situates beside of you.   I don’t know whats best for you, or anyone else, so I just want to nod at you, blow you a kiss, and wish you a good day, filled with whatever you want it to be.  Those who are struggling, and there are many friends right now who are in crises, I wish you the best, and I’m saying a prayer that you will be comforted, that you will be given the strength you need to get through this day.     I offer this blog to give those like minded thoughts a gentle hug and acknowledgement that, yeah, I too am overwhelmed, so today I’m doing what I can for myself, first.    Wishing you a joy filled day with healthy boundaries and decisions made with a healthy, happy heart.    To you!!!

What’s in your heart?


The other day I ran into (almost crashed with our carts!) an old high school friend at Walmart.  I had seen just before I went to Walmart, on her fb feed that she had just lost one of her beloved furry kids.  Anyway,

I told her how sorry I was, and she was very gracious, but something she then said kind of shocked me.    “This is why I look the way I do today!”.    Wow!   Wow I thought.  To feel the need to say that to me, at 55 years of age?  We will both soon be 56.     It just struck me odd.  And perhaps its because for years now, I’ve not focused on the way I looked, nor the manner in which I dressed.  I admit, some of that had to do with depression, but when I see people I love, I don’t look them over from top to bottom.  I look into their eyes, and I’m paying attention to their words.

It saddened me, and also baffled me at the same time that she would be concerned of such.  A member of her family just died, who gives a shit how she looks?    Or have i just become too uncaring about this stuff?

She’s a beautiful woman, with the biggest blue eyes, and a gorgeous smile.  And she was in pain, I could see it written all over her face and in her eyes.  My heart hurt for her and her family.  I know how hard it is when our furry families leave us.  It’s painful as hell.    No one wants to say goodbye to such unconditional and gentle love and companionship.

So I’ve been sitting with that memory of our meeting.    And I’m not insinuating that she did anything wrong, but why did it stand out to me?   Why did that response come to mind for her, when she was sharing of her pain?

I suppose it could’ve been that I looked like crap.   Laughing.   And I didn’t have death of a pet (Thank God) to blame!    And I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t about her, it was about me.    I guess if someone is going to judge me by the way I look, for whatever reason, I guess I deep down know, they aren’t my friend!    I never once looked at her to think anything of her.  I wasn’t judging her, I was judging myself!  And with her comment, I felt like she was looking at what I looked like, not who I was, and the words I was saying to her.

How hard we are on ourselves.    This saddens me and continues to be the biggest issue I contend with on a daily basis.  I’m learning to be kinder, softer with myself, but it’s the first place that retorts back to old behavior, and I have to be vigilant with my self talk, turning it to positive.    There are some days, that’s all I accomplish.  Recycling old negative thoughts into positive ones.  With that said, the days are fewer and far between what they used to be.

What isn’t important to me is what someone drives, the diamonds or sapphires they wear, but I do look at their eyes, and I try to see what is in their heart with the limited time I’m with another.    Because THAT is how I want others to look at me!!!   But will they?   Doesn’t matter, it’s out of my control what another person thinks of me, and I’m grateful I don’t care today.    But here is where the whole process ended up for me.

What if?  What if we all felt better about ourselves, and loved and cared for ourselves.  What if we didn’t feel the need to “look” or “play” the part?     What if we stood one with our grief and said “I’m having a crappy day, I need to be gentle on myself?”

Are you one that can do that?      I dare ya!

So if the person reading this blog and whom I met in the Dog Aisle at Walmart, my bestest from way back in our teens, You are beautiful!   Your eyes are as blue as they were in high school, and your smile as bright.    Be kind to yourself!    Give yourself permission to grieve, and don’t judge yourself (or me) on the way I look!    Love ya girl.