For the most part I’ve been doing very well. Have been under the weather for a couple weeks, and this wreaks havoc for me. Still, I’ve managed to keep a positive attitude and focus on all the good in my life, and there is much to be grateful for.
Today I’ve been thinking about someone I loved very much. We were very close to a decade when things progressed with his drinking, I chose to say goodbye and I learned 4 months after he passed that he had passed the day after he turned 46. To be perfectly honest, I think of him everyday, typically I can smile when I think about something he did, but today? Today my heart is wrapped around questions that will never be answered. I know better than to ask the infamous “WHY?”. It only leads to more pain, endless tears and a heart that hurts so much, callousing seems to be the only relief. That is no way to live. At times I think it’s necessary to block off our heart until we heal, but to be longstanding, I don’t think it’s healthy. In some instances, in most, asking “why” serves to push myself into a pit of pain, to which coming back from is harder each time I go there. I have done this. I am not living this way, I do not feel this way everyday, but today? Today it’s a challenge to not go back to the second to last letter in the alphabet!
Life has a way of throwing us curve balls, doesn’t it? I remember going through divorce, feeling hopeless, helpless, and comically (now) that my life was over…My feelings and thoughts were FAR from the truth. My life began again. My life got better, I got healthier, I was able to expand my horizons and open my heart again. “We’ll make new memories”, he said to me as I worked through the crap. And we did. We made some wonderful memories. Little did I know that they would have to sustain me the for the rest of my life without him. Plans, yah, I’m here to tell you that plans have a way of falling down in midflight. If you believe that everything has a reason, a purpose, then it does make the whole grief process easier, once you can get past the initial suffocation. “Just don’t think about it”, I’ve been told repeatedly over the years. I nod, sometimes I silently walk away pissed off, sometimes I turn my head and cry. Sometimes it’s okay to think about painful parts of our past. For me, it serves as a progress report of where I came from. In sharing with a friend today I said “I know my life has gotten progressively better, I know this, I should feel nothing but gratitude”…True, I should.
The thing is, I never thought it would be forever. I thought our lives together had come to a halt, but would eventually turn the corner and back around again. Yet this is foolish thinking. How many psychiatrists tell you “If it doesn’t work the first time it surely won’t the second”. But what if? What if? On and on and on. My life changed the day we parted ways and it changed further the day I learned of his death, a mere 4 years after we split. To his parents I guess I was far gone. For me, I sadly realized I had never left. Still, life goes on.
Was watching an episode of 24 the other night and Jack (my hero) was asked by a very distraught agent “How do I live with this?” having acquired information that sent her into sadness and guilt. “You just do” he said. I nodded. Yeah “you just do”.
Today my mother was told she was “legally blind”. She can see things, but not well. She shouldn’t be driving. Fortunately they believe it’s all cataract related and she will do fine after surgery(ies). Her first being next Thursday. My comment to her “Well no wonder you haven’t been telling me how beautiful I am!” Where would I be without a sense of humor?
For those who have and think there is nothing to mourn. An alcoholic, an addict drinks himself to death, what’s to feel sorry for? Having gotten in touch with the severity of my own addiction, learn more everyday how deeply rooted it is, all I can say is “You’ve apparently never lost someone you love to such an awful disease”. Yet who am I to say that? Perhaps they have? Perhaps that is why they feel this way? Still, it will always serve as a solid oak tree covering part of my heart. Protection. If that’s what you can call it.
Letting go, accepting doesn’t mean you never revisit the past. A very intelligent man said something to this effect the other day, and it has stayed with me…”Every step you take, your past changes too because you see things differently than you did the day before. Every step you take your future changes, because again, you see things differently than you did the day before. Life is about a series of steps, not leaps, bounds, steps…” I find that profound. I can look back now without the intensity it once had, seeing things differently, and sadly having more compassion now for what I could not tolerate then. That doesn’t mean anything would have changed with us, that the chapter of us wouldn’t have closed, but to see things differently means growth, perspective.
I’m off to get ready for a fun day tomorrow in Boston. Am very excited about this. Spending time with girlfriends, meeting new friends and getting reenergized to dive into my new business. Very excited about this. The decision to do this changed everything for me. My situation hadn’t changed, but my perspective did and has. Hope, it’s called hope and it’s a wonderful thing! Life isn’t always fair, it isn’t always easy. It is, however, worth living. It’s about reaching out to others when you need encouragement, help. It’s about helping others when they need it. I’m starting a new chapter in my life, a fun one, one that I know is good for me and one that I know I will succeed at. I need this. I need this challenge, I need this newness. I am grateful for this opportunity, and more grateful that I’m open minded and willing to go on this ride! ♥♥♥