It’s just over three weeks since my mom died. A good friend asked me if it’s harder than I thought it would be, the answer is NO. I always knew it would be hard. But what has surprised me is the areas in which it is affecting me.
For one, self confidence. I consider myself to be a fairly brave, very strong independent woman. And I just realized a couple weeks ago that I’m old enough to be classified as “Senior Citizen” on Wednesdays at JoAnn’s Fabrics. I’ve traveled up and down the East Coast, all over this country and others by myself. I would think very little about driving an hour or two here or there to score a good find from Craigslist, or the like. I don’t feel comfortable doing this right now. I don’t feel confident enough to do this. I’m really shocked at this.
I don’t feel safe in this world, since the death of my mom. I always knew, wherever I was, went, I could call her and she would come to my rescue. For a couple of decades we have been each others main support, both single women living on little, we helped each other. My mom was a huge help to me in areas that I many times lack or slack in. I cannot attribute this to anything else, believe me, I’ve tried.
In every room in my house, there are memories of my mom. She always rolled up her shirt sleeves and jumped in when it came to cleaning, repairing, maintaining, and a couple years ago, renovating and ultimately redecorating again. It is s hard for me to fathom that she will never again step foot into my yard, my house, nor spend hour upon hour working in my yard, her flower gardens, because they really were hers. I haven’t worked in my flower gardens for a couple of decades, she did it all. Now she loved doing it, and she was very good at it. Will I take care of them? Can I take care of them? Will I know how after all these years? There’s a little bit of fear here. I am feeling fear. Because many things that she did to help me, I had to stop doing so she graciously took over.
I find my tears come in waves, and triggered by many simple things. I pulled out a folder of my decorative painting designs and my heart sunk. My mother was a huge part of my success here, she made e prepping surfaces or house or dog and cat sitting. Back in those days I had five animals for her to care for!
Another thing that is happening that I didn’t expect. I feel like I need to know everything, because she is gone. I identify with these feelings when I found out many moons ago I was pregnant. OMG I need to get my act together so I can be a good parent! Only now, I need to get my act together because my mom isn’t here to help or assist
Sleep is being affected. I wake up every hour, only early morning hours offers good sleep. As a result, I am plum pooped. I was so tired the other night after finishing things up downstairs that I slept on the couch. I didn’t have the energy to go up to my bed. I have been on this journey called grief many times, and I know it’s a hard hard walk. I either forgot or the loss of my mother is proving to be one hell of a challenge.
I miss my mom. I miss her voice, her outspoken manner, and more. I know in time it will get easier adjusting to this new life, life without my mother. While grateful I had my mom for the first 56 years of my life, it doesn’t matter at what age you lose your mom, for me, anyway, it’s a colossal loss.