My sister left for home last night. On my arrival home from bringing her to the airport, I found tears running down my cheeks, I had felt it coming, there was nothing I could do or tell myself that would deter this, so I just let it happen. My mother is gone. She will never again step foot in my home, we will never work on another project together, we will never fight again, she has passed into the unknown. I had to DO something, I had to get my hands busy because my mom wouldn’t like for me to get lost into grief again, so I pulled out a frame I had found at a thrift shoppe and filled it with pictures of family members we’ve lost, my mom and my two sisters. I was happy with the way it turned out, even though it took a couple hours longer than it should’ve, but what else was I going to do? I cried my eyes to sleep last night while watching Frasier.
The world seems foreign to me now. Just like it did when we lost our kid sister. It isn’t nearly as kind or caring, and I have one less source of unconditional love, one less person I could depend on if I needed her. Everything in my world has changed, again.
Today I drove to Walmart for a few things today, and found myself walking aimlessly around the store. Going from one end, to the other, back to the first. I had my list on my phone what I needed to get, and I looked at it at least 4 times while there, and still came home with one thing I forgot to get. What is this? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling like this is “Scatterday?”, I felt familiarity, and as hard as I tried to distract myself, engage myself in things like $1 a yard Waverly fabric, or yarn clearance, I just couldn’t get into it. My creativity was on strike, and I found myself doing stupid things, unable to focus, unable to make a sound decision on sachets for my bureau. What the hell? Looking at things I had no idea why, and dodging people I knew, it finally hit me. GRIEF. This is grief! Of course it feels familiar. No wonder my stomach was upset, and when i heard the screaming child in the next aisle over, I felt as if every nerve ending in my body was exposed to this, breathe, breathe, breathe. I was talking to myself, and found myself saying, thinking “GO, GO NOW!” Like Hannibal Lechter said to Jody Foster’s character in “Silence of the Lambs”. Harshly, forcefully. I went right to the self check out.
It’s been 13 days since my mom died. Today is the first day I’ve been on my own without the security of siblings since we said goodbye to her. Today was no longer about the end of my moms life, today is about the beginning of my life without my mother.
I filled the basket with sugar related items, this is how I feed my hurting heart, my aching soul. It will only last a day or two and then I’ll get mad at myself for doing so, and hopefully, with the help of a tight wasted, uncomfortable pair of jeans, will walk away from sugar and seek water, food, nourishment. I know there is absolutely nothing I can eat that will take away this pain, or sorrow. But I will still do it. Because for a few minutes I feel normal, I feel peaceful, I feel nothing.Spent some time on the phone today with my cousin and sister, also texted with my brother. We’re all “checking in” on each other. I’m grateful for that. And while the list is short today, I did do one kind things for another, which always makes me feel better. I delivered some lemon frosted shortbread cookies to a friend who is in rehab for a broken hip. She said “I’m sure you’re in a hurry.” I replied “No, I’m really not, I’m just not right, and I just want to get home to my cat, my beads, my brushes, my comfy clothes, safe in the confines of my humble little abode.
So now, post sugar fix, my energy level has been depleted, and I will either take a nap, or engage myself in a project like I did last night. Whichever I do, whichever I choose, I will be kind to myself, and allow myself to feel this pain, to face this loss, this significant loss.