Saturday night. I’m painting, with music in the background. Finally got to town to get a few groceries, as we’re going to get another 12-18″ snow tomorrow. The scraping of the windshield is old.
Have been reflecting today on many things. For one, how the gift of age brings you knowledge. Important knowledge. Unfortunately our bodies wear out as we become brilliant! But seriously, I’ve been through enough in my life to know, it may be dark now, but it won’t last forever. One day I will feel better, and before you know it, that which caused me angst or grief becomes background flack. Nothing you really miss over time, but you always remember the lessons. Pain is a great motivator for change. Pain is much of the reason why people change themselves, their lives.
I’ve also been thinking how grateful I am that I have good, sound, (well, somedays!) intelligent parents. I’m grateful for the upbringing I had, and while I’ve skated in dangerous territory, I have the strength of my parents morals and standards, to hold strong too, as they are now, mine.
But youth, and I’m talking in your teens or twenty’s, depending on what you’ve been through, you don’t necessarily know at that age that things will fade, things will improve. That doesn’t mean you stay laying in “wait” of it. Because I think we were granted “free will”, and that gift can destroy us, if we let it. But the strength of experience, that can sustain you for much. It’s so unfortunate that at the toughest parts of your life you learn who is and isn’t your friend, who is loyal, who is worthy of being sent out to sea, but this, too, strengthens us. We come wise. The trick is not to become bitter.
I also see how things were prepared for me, to “get strong”. What I mean by that, a divorce that I didn’t want but that a couple decades later I AM SO GRATEFUL it happened. My life has been so much better than it was then. But I was afraid, and I was young. And while I didn’t know if I would get through it, I did, and I met someone else, and I worked on myself, and worked through the crap of it all. I became a better person for it. A person who at that time learned, I CAN accept, I CAN get beyond, I CAN grow, and learn, and start anew. Then, when cancer starting ravaging my family, and the loss of my kid sister, that was so much larger than any divorce for me. But I saw how going through the divorce years before had strengthened me. So when my sister took ill, I could be there for her, and I was. And then months later, her passing, the strength and wisdom I gained from that helped me, once again, start over, and say goodbye to someone I needed to say goodbye too. And it took every bit of me to do that.
This is not to downplay loss. Not at all. In the end I had to accept the loss of this person, not just to booze but to death. So, I can look back and see the times that brought the most growth for me. And I’m a pretty strong chick! Gotta tell ya! But even in this, there are days I could easily fold into the arms of a trusted, and surrender myself in tears.
I’m thinking all of this because of a place where someone I care about is. Man, he’s getting thrown a lot of lessons, and pain. But I believe he will make it. Once he starts building HIS life again. I will be praying for him, and asking my faithful prayer friends to do the same. He is a survivor of sorts already, freed from people that the average person would not even know exist, and trust me, I hope you never do. But there are some pretty sick, ignorant people whose very ignorance is a bit scary to someone who follows rules and works for a living, and for everything they have.
So, that’s it for tonight. I need to get back and finish the fifth rooster I’ve painted this week. It’s been enjoyable, and I’ve regained some confidence with the brush. Just have to do it, and say no to the negative.
Happy night! Hope yours is, too.